Undiluted Stupid

Ya know, I was suddenly struck to come here for no reason at all. Mostly because I haven’t posted anything in months. mostly because I’m bored.

Ideas are still around, and just in these few sentences, I’m realizing how soothing it is to basically type free-form thoughts straight from my head as opposed to an article i try and craft and have to re-read and edit a couple times. and extreme run-on sentences, i love those. it’s freeing to just use my writing voice, and feeling that it doesn’t need to go anywhere, say anything.

that’s been missing for months. just the idea that no idea can stack up to the importance i try and place on it. breathing a little, laughing, and throwing out a few cliches. as a writer of blogs, it’s what i do best.

it boils down to just doing things occasionally, flexing the muscles you think have atrophied, only to realize you’re an idiot and you do things because of obligations self-imposed or otherwise.

just because it’s inconsequential doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary. sometimes, you just come to grips with things because it seems like more work to pick it apart into its pieces than to just go with it. sometimes, the components are everything. sometimes, they don’t matter.

everytime, it really just depends on how i’m feeling that day.

Hi there, poor neglected bloggie. being left out in the cold over here for that side project hussy I have going on right now that takes up all my writing time. Don’t worry though, i only treat you so because i know you’ll always be there for me. because i have to write as myself, and i need a place to throw out everything that i’m trying to process. projects aren’t the best place to diary, although it does make it more interesting.

so here we are. me feeling like i need to write something out, partly due to free time, partly due to the need to write. it comes down to a thought that i had a few days ago, while driving to work.

i have all over my life little reminders that say “I am rad”. the background of my computer, my phone, and then just various other things that remind me that i am indeed, rad. but it flipped in my head suddenly, and it just became “be rad”.

a multitude of interpretations came flying into my head. why all of the sudden this idea? has it really been the message i’ve been trying to get across to myself this entire time? by focusing on me, does it inadvertently project on to others, or do i need to do the legwork involved with outward projection? why not just be rad, instead of telling myself i am?

i feel like it’s been the object the entire time, but i never told myself that’s what it was. so apparently the big importance is in the framing. why does it make me feel uneasy, and a little more existential crisisy? this idea has just sat there at my core, interpreted as being self-grandiose, but with justification due to my actions of being rad. That idea is still in there certainly, but it is not so much the knowing of the idea, but of putting it into action. the difference lies in the action.

which is probably the “why” of the uneasiness. the war in your character between caring and not caring, of action and inaction. life is amazing because of action, because of what you put into it. good or bad, this action is what makes your life worth living. it leaves an impact on you and others directly influenced, and leaves an impression, forcing you and others to process the meaning. it creates what you are as a person.

inaction is a necessary otherside to this duality, but is not as glamorous. where action is bold, inaction is timid. where action is adventure, inaction is safety. and on and on. the yin and yang of a big part of being a conscious being, and a part of a society that dictates the norms. My propensity for action or inaction directly stems from what i think of as free will. my ability to decide to care or not is about all i have to make me, me. the thing is, that infers control of some kind, which conflicts with another idea packed in there that i have no control. not really. not that i believe there’s such a thing as fate, that we’re all just hapless bystanders.

the idea is more that control or not, it doesn’t matter. if you feel like you don’t want control, go ahead and relinquish it. if you feel like you have control, go ahead and do it. i’m just sitting at the cross roads, sitting down, unable to make a decision. is the inability to make a decision like this being active or inactive though?

but like i said, it doesn’t matter. i may talk big talk about processing ideas, but at the center of each one of them is “you know, it doesn’t really matter”,  the totally existential catch-all where you just say you’re gonna end up dead anyways, and it doesn’t matter. which as far as i know, is completely true. but i don’t completely accept it, otherwise i would just do whatever i wanted, because i’m sure not gonna care when i’m dead. that unfeeling void is there though, deep in the heart of darkness. it just is. and i do everything i can to take it in stride, to be the person i think i can be, despite the futility of it all. considering the idea that it doesn’t matter anyways, it surely doesn’t matter if I want to distract myself in the meantime.

what strikes me, is that in this void, there is no truth. as far as i can tell, truth is a concept developed by humans, for humans. there has to be an ability to tell what is true from what is false in day to day life, and there needs to be some guidelines to adhere to. but there is no truth in the void, it just is.

i don’t know if my compassion and empathy and the general essence of me stems from defiance of what is at this core. that big, black void that doesn’t beckon or seduce me, it’s just there in absolute neutrality. i make decisions based on a whole lot i don’t understand, but have decided to care about due to mostly societal factors. and why not. there aren’t too many other yardsticks lying around here and my dopamine reactions to situations is as good as anything else.

so that brings me back to that previous idea, that there is control. i control what i care about, hence what makes me as a person, with  refraction of my ideas bounced off of others that i choose, given back to me and anyone else who wants to pay attention. it really doesn’t matter, unless i want it to.

i think that’s it. instead of thinking i’m standing up to the void by staring into it and saying “i am rad” as if i’m something special, i can look upon it in all it’s uncaring and uncertain majesty and tell myself “be rad”. therein lies my choice, my modicum of control in the swirl of chaos.

be rad.

Is anyone else as excited as i am about the possibility of neutrinos going faster than the speed of light? I really hope that it can be reproduced and isn’t just a fluke, which it very well could be. These things happen when dealing with sub-atomic particles.

But really, what kind of universe do we live in where something so  supposedly inflexible as the speed of light can be shown to be flexible? How many possible dimensions are out there?

Questions begetting more questions, off to infinity.

Life at the speed of action. There is something missing from my normal brain activity, some deficiency of something or other. Life is barrelling along so fast that i am just caught on the wave without any real time to think, only to act/react.

My brain doesn’t want to react, it is just sitting in the corner pouting, only wishing to be left alone. not even using treats can really coax it out, because the treats don’t hold any value. Nothing relly feels like it has value right now, positive or negative. These things just are. Objects among other objects, without any qualities with which to judge, things that just are.

Things become incomprehensible now, and ruminations of borderline depression set in. but that’s just another object, with defineable physical qualities but no soul, no substance.

There just always seems so much to do that accomplishes so little. Although that’s hardly fair. “Little” is pretty subjective there. I guess just the ratio of how much input i feel i’m putting in according to my life experience parameters to how much i’m getting out.

the economics of scale in terms of the metaphysical. a cold, cold way to think. of course it’s going to lead to annoyance.

Been awhile since i been here. Mostly because life is busy. That is code for “priorities change”. If i wanted to, I’d write here. Like I am now.

This week has been a big reminder of who i am, as an individual named Ryan. All in this life that i hold dear stems from what i have claimed as an individual, ideas i have come to terms with through my own (supposedly) free-will. Without outside influence though, i would only be left with myself, left with only a mirror to bounce ideas off of. I think we all know that only works up to a point. mental images of “Castaway” come to mind.

So (big shocker here) I went to a local hip hop show tonight. This one was definitely lower key though. it was at the crocodile, and we got there way too early, as usual. it was just Heather and I, but in between chatting, you could just sit back and watch the waves of people come to shore like the tide. more and more friends of friends kept showing up, hugging and slapping hands, sharing gestures of brotherly love. before you knew it, the place  was loaded with beautiful people. because in the end, this is beltown.

the show started, and the artists we saw were great. this was a showcase of the young and earnest, supported by friends and family. this is both sides coming together in a public forum, creating and supporting.  Heather and I are so old that we only made it until 11:30, and only half of the acts had gone up. We were at the front of the stage that entire time though, and really, we can get away with bailing early. You spend enough time out, and eventually, you have to pass the torch of staying out all night and getting hammered to the younger generation. again, “priorities change”.

but we were interlopers at this thing. gawkers, almost. 2/3 of the people there were family, friends, or significant others of friends. we did our best to blend in as we were there in support of our local hip-hop. really though, both acts were good enough to warrant genuine excitement, which made it easier. It still showed everything in stark contrast. this show was a friends and family show, one i have been to before for my own friends and family. looking from the outside-in, i can see the beauty in a way i would never have the awareness to see it from the inside-out.

Tonight was just the point though, there was lots of build-up to this. The whole societal social net showed itself in clearer terms than i had ever seen. it wan’t so much a slap in the face, more like a tweak on the nose with a “gotchoo!” for emphasis. I’m pretty sure it was because i was ready to see it. i couldn’t have been ready consciously, it was always gonna have to come from the sub.

it bubbled up and showed me that all i have in this life is my friends and family. the only reason i’m even close to being the person i want to be is because i want to be that person for them and myself.

This weekend, i have this whole itinerary where I’m biking from work to my parent’s house to a beer fest, and then back to my parents house, because i wanted to do a little training for the STP and this is a practical way to go about it. save a little gas money in the meantime, as well.

I totally forgot my phone at home today,and won’t be getting it back until sometime late tomorrow. It’s kind of liberating. People are going to try and get ahold of me and think I’m a total jerk for not getting back to them immediately. More likely, no one is actually going to try and get ahold of me, as everyone leads busy weekends in the summer.

I kinda love doing shit like this though. It’s not like i can’t come to the internet, or have access to phones in other places i go. It’s just inconvenient enough to get ahold of me now. the ball’s in my court now, i will be getting a hold of YOU when i damn well feel like it.

what a time we live in! i have expectations of instant gratification in every aspect of my life. it’s nice to pull back from that for a moment or two, and realize just how silly it is sometimes. what’s not important will soon become not-important again, and life will carry on.

So this is part of my punishment, i suppose. having an idea, a fully-fleshed idea ready to go, and then forgotten. it had something to do with starting with “Ex”. Exaltation, extension, expensive, it doesn’t matter. As important as that idea may have seemed at the time, this one takes it’s place. you forgot a seemingly important idea. despite how important that first one may have been, aren’t you here now because of it? and aren’t you now expressing said idea inferiorly?

good job idiot, this is the life you live. just the thought of leaving this thought unedited leaves you happy. it would be incomprehensible. you’re not that drunk, but typing takes focus, and you’re too mad at yourself to do so properly. the filters you have in place at least take up enough space to keep you from doing this raw.

the conception was a good thought though, and hopefully, you can find your way back to it.

this does not bode well for your ideal self though, typed in words that are socially acceptable. true definitions are not beyond you, but are beyond what you are willing to expose to those who may discover who you are.

it feels like bullshit to type in code, but at the same time, it makes you think. the thought strikes you though: really this is stupid all-around, and anyone hoping to get anything out of this beyond yourself  is getting what they paid for.

now get back to rememberin’. who else is it going to do any good for?

Jesus, get back to reality dude, everything seems so unreal. The boomerang needs to return, it just seems like it’s taking awhile to get back. you can’t even see it at this point, and that’s part of it.

come back, boomerang!

Check it.

How do i get this far in my life and not get exposed to certain things?

I got my hands on Songs in the Key of Life and listened to it while i was helping heather with some crafty-work. I couldn’t believe it, i just couldn’t. All i ever hear is reverence for Stevie, but i’ve really only heard a few of his singles like “I just called to say I love you” and “Isn’t she lovely”. I pounded this album and wanted more, it was mind blowing. The way this album listens, it almost sounds like a greatest hits compilation. I also had no idea that Coolio straight jacked everything but the lyrics to Gangsta’s paradise from Stevie. This album contains everything i love about music.

Which brings me back to the original question i posed at the beginning of this post, and the answer is obvious. It’s because discovering things like this and appreciating it on your terms is what makes your life wonderful. Finding culture, new or old, and realizing something you hadn’t before. The timing behind finding something and integrating it just has to happen naturally, but that drive to find things and stay open is the part that takes work.

You stay open because the reward can be something shining like this, something beyond anything you ever expected.

Of course being that open inevitably leads to posts like the previous one.

It’s worth it though, it’s so worth it. Otherwise you wouldn’t be here. It wouldn’t be worth the bother.

Right now, there is everything and nothing to say. the inevitable swing towards you being you again, with too much time to yourself. standing in the middle of a swirling storm that is almost an extension of yourself. Right now, you’re trying to remove the blockage, whatever it is that’s stuck in your brain, paralyzing whatever needs to come out. This feels inappropriate, coming here. But you do anyways. You always do. It’s something, someplace, a fixed moment in time. something has to be thrown out into the void.

You feel like you aren’t equipped to deal, to deal with anything and everything. But you are, and the prospect is frightening, or intimidating, or both. Or something else completely different. All of your positive feelings stemming from a wellspring of negativity. Whatever that source of power is that keeps you at bay with the void, laughing in it’s face, or flailing, trying not to fall in.

As much as you flail though, you won’t fall in. Luckily, it’s not like this all the time. there are others who support you. and for that, you are eternally grateful.

the storm swirls around you, but it will abate.

it always does.