Thursday, April 30, 2009
you know ryan, i have been thinking. i have been thinking about your dismay at the content of your posts, and the similarities they have with the posts of the past. i too have been digging through my old posts. at times i feel the same way. i see the same topics come up, and the time and page space i devoted to them that seemingly dwarfs what i put out now.
but it is ok. we aren't simply rehashing the past, without progress. every time we revisit one of these ideas or thought structures, we get a chance to clarify. every time, we become more concise and hit closer to the real point. sure, these post right now may have no bearing at the moment, but every time we slog through mud, we get closer to the crux of the idea at the core of the problem that drives us to contemplate the subject matter to begin with. even if it may seem similar, every time we write about these things, we have more ammunition, more axioms and theories we have accepted as truths, at least to the best of our knowledge. so, it is never a waste. every time we revisit a topic we get more of a glimpse of the answers we need to silence the the initial confusion that drove us to question and search blindly in the first place
even if it is simply railing against our current condition. isn't finding a way to come to grips with your surroundings vital to your mental health?
but it is ok. we aren't simply rehashing the past, without progress. every time we revisit one of these ideas or thought structures, we get a chance to clarify. every time, we become more concise and hit closer to the real point. sure, these post right now may have no bearing at the moment, but every time we slog through mud, we get closer to the crux of the idea at the core of the problem that drives us to contemplate the subject matter to begin with. even if it may seem similar, every time we write about these things, we have more ammunition, more axioms and theories we have accepted as truths, at least to the best of our knowledge. so, it is never a waste. every time we revisit a topic we get more of a glimpse of the answers we need to silence the the initial confusion that drove us to question and search blindly in the first place
even if it is simply railing against our current condition. isn't finding a way to come to grips with your surroundings vital to your mental health?
a broken man in a broken world..
but as a man, a single organism, i can hold the pieces together. everything else lacks the desire for cohesion.
the problem i see, with the order of things as we sit here is the underestimation of intelligence. i see people like myself, who have true natural aptitude completely unwilling to apply it because they have a simple ability to comprehend. we have tolerated a certain amount of manipulation throughout our lives, and seen it lead to ruin almost without fail. there comes a point where one can no longer condone the complete bastardization of ones efforts. ironically, it becomes a question of morality. allowing those you affiliate yourself with to inflict harm without questioning makes you guilty by association. you either remove said affiliation, or you are aiding their goals.
i see those with functional intelligence, with true aptitude instead of the ability to create the illusion of competence slowly making themselves unavailable.
it is a shame.
i curse my luck sometimes
i am apoplectic. it hurts me that i came of age in the time i did. i feel that i have witnessed a blight on civilization. i have literally retreated to the point that i have one reason, one person to derive motivation from. based on the fact that i care about this one person, i have become a pillar to ease the weight crashing towards her. and i am willing to bear it. i take pride in strength. i am yearning for something to implement me. i am practically begging the world to utilize me. i refuse to be used as a tool to achieve goals i see as counter to the advancement of civilization, which leaves me with no options. so i apply my talents in a worthless enterprise that really has no bearing on anything, simply because i can feel happy if i provide her with a way to live a little easier, because i believe in her as a person, that she is one of those people like me who would rather see things done well, and properly. someone who believes in the concept of quality.
sure, if i died today, i would feel that my life has been a waste of time. but that is not what i see in the future. in my position, that is what i draw strength from. if civilization truly continues to diverge from the path i choose to follow, then civilization itself is a waste of time. that is where i draw my comfort, my peace with the world. i know there are people much smarter than me out there. they find themselves in places of learning around the world, unfettered by the troubles of the rest of us. the are placed in a room with the tools they need to create. they are the true pillars. they are propping up the facade, and building the tools to escape it. this, this right here where i stand now is not the future of civilization. this is a stain. i am resigned to watch, with varying levels of patience. i read about it every day. i see advancements are made, foundations for the future of humanity to be built upon. a chance to achieve redemption. a chance to survive this cold period, and find a situation to actually live a life i see as productive.
i am not sure if that place will exist on this planet, or even in this century. i believe there will come a time where i can find a sense of accomplishment in the way i live my life. more than the way i live my life, because i can already find fulfillment in the dubious circumstances i am surrounded by. i will be able to draw gratification from my surroundings. to feel like there is something better than myself i am working as a part of. to feel like the effort i offer is working towards the betterment of my entire condition.
i curse the fact that my best chances to see this feeling realized, under current circumstances, rely on off-earth colonization and the removal of aging from the human genome. i am a battered soul. i have burrowed into the earth, and i am waiting for upheaval and change, or a chance to escape once and for all.
but, a lot can happen in 50 years. a lot can happen in 10 years. i continue to weigh my opportunities as they present themselves. and until then? i will stand tall. i will bear what i need to maintain survival, and support those who are a part of the solution. patience
but as a man, a single organism, i can hold the pieces together. everything else lacks the desire for cohesion.
the problem i see, with the order of things as we sit here is the underestimation of intelligence. i see people like myself, who have true natural aptitude completely unwilling to apply it because they have a simple ability to comprehend. we have tolerated a certain amount of manipulation throughout our lives, and seen it lead to ruin almost without fail. there comes a point where one can no longer condone the complete bastardization of ones efforts. ironically, it becomes a question of morality. allowing those you affiliate yourself with to inflict harm without questioning makes you guilty by association. you either remove said affiliation, or you are aiding their goals.
i see those with functional intelligence, with true aptitude instead of the ability to create the illusion of competence slowly making themselves unavailable.
it is a shame.
i curse my luck sometimes
i am apoplectic. it hurts me that i came of age in the time i did. i feel that i have witnessed a blight on civilization. i have literally retreated to the point that i have one reason, one person to derive motivation from. based on the fact that i care about this one person, i have become a pillar to ease the weight crashing towards her. and i am willing to bear it. i take pride in strength. i am yearning for something to implement me. i am practically begging the world to utilize me. i refuse to be used as a tool to achieve goals i see as counter to the advancement of civilization, which leaves me with no options. so i apply my talents in a worthless enterprise that really has no bearing on anything, simply because i can feel happy if i provide her with a way to live a little easier, because i believe in her as a person, that she is one of those people like me who would rather see things done well, and properly. someone who believes in the concept of quality.
sure, if i died today, i would feel that my life has been a waste of time. but that is not what i see in the future. in my position, that is what i draw strength from. if civilization truly continues to diverge from the path i choose to follow, then civilization itself is a waste of time. that is where i draw my comfort, my peace with the world. i know there are people much smarter than me out there. they find themselves in places of learning around the world, unfettered by the troubles of the rest of us. the are placed in a room with the tools they need to create. they are the true pillars. they are propping up the facade, and building the tools to escape it. this, this right here where i stand now is not the future of civilization. this is a stain. i am resigned to watch, with varying levels of patience. i read about it every day. i see advancements are made, foundations for the future of humanity to be built upon. a chance to achieve redemption. a chance to survive this cold period, and find a situation to actually live a life i see as productive.
i am not sure if that place will exist on this planet, or even in this century. i believe there will come a time where i can find a sense of accomplishment in the way i live my life. more than the way i live my life, because i can already find fulfillment in the dubious circumstances i am surrounded by. i will be able to draw gratification from my surroundings. to feel like there is something better than myself i am working as a part of. to feel like the effort i offer is working towards the betterment of my entire condition.
i curse the fact that my best chances to see this feeling realized, under current circumstances, rely on off-earth colonization and the removal of aging from the human genome. i am a battered soul. i have burrowed into the earth, and i am waiting for upheaval and change, or a chance to escape once and for all.
but, a lot can happen in 50 years. a lot can happen in 10 years. i continue to weigh my opportunities as they present themselves. and until then? i will stand tall. i will bear what i need to maintain survival, and support those who are a part of the solution. patience
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
my brief flirtation with the infinite has now reminded me that i have steak thawed and waiting to be cooked and consumed. thank you, foresight!
no no, other shoe, slow your drop. i don't want to feel the slow dull creep of regression. i want to dance. i want to bask in the glow of pretension as thoughts spin back into themselves and form a cloud of self focus. i want to witness my mind achieve awareness, a new artificial intelligence bound within my own. so, let us dive out of this drive for knowledge and back into an old familiar pool of flowing metaphor. no ideas, no analysis, just words inspiring words. a syllabic melody to compliment the rhythm in my mind...
as i walked down the sidewalk between parking lot and front door at work yesterday morning, a beam of light broke through the darkness in front of me. a reflection off countless mirrored surfaces of satellites and other space debris, culminating in this brief and unlikely contact between this light and me. taken aback, i paused and waited for the beam to illuminate its plan for me. it twinkled, as if amused, and then flickered out of existence. i was suddenly left blinded and alone, save the residual light shadow in my eyes. i was locked into place. my body would not move, and my mind was fixated on the dot before me. the only proof of its short existence was burned into my retinas, but even that was beginning to fade. so even as this now imaginary light slipped back into the darkness, the pavement below me rolled back as my mind filled the void. time reversed itself and the world around me reverted to the past. soon i was staring at a hole beneath a giant evergreen tree. the lights of the present slowly returned, and the sidewalk and other modern accouterments returned with it. but memory of that vision remained. so, hori hori in hand, i sought to reveal the past once again. my hand slammed down, and a crack split the slab. i continued unabated. coworkers and bystanders stopped to ask what was happening, but i merely shrugged and continued my work. i made it through the concrete down to earth, but this was not the same earth, so i pressed downwards. past wires and sewer pipes, i dug deeper. through the sediment and build up of urban contamination, i continued. i went past the buried remains of old and forgotten human ingenuity long since covered. i dug until i reached earth, real earth. the dirt made of leaves and needles, decayed and compressed into a fertile womb to cultivate new life. and still i dug, though carefully now. i took off my shirt, and i placed this old earth inside for safe keeping. as i dug further still, my hori hit something solid buried beneath. i wiped the dark loam away, and found a sheet of petrified wood forming a lid. i lifted this up, and found my hole, filled with a cloying, inky blackness that modern light could not penetrate. so, i reached my hand inside, and found only a thin line of exposed metal running through the empty space, continuing into the earth on either side. as my hand closed around it, i was hit with a rush of energy that filled my body, and then continued into the sky, curving towards some cosmic confluence beyond my comprehension. a link was formed, some connection completed, and then silence, just a hum of energy infecting me to a quantum level. flush with anticipation, i waited for this contact to ameliorate and enlighten. but in return, i felt nothing beyond the acknowledgment implied by the connection's persistence. then, a quick throb, and the light retreated. i released my grip, and replaced the wooden lid, then the dirt i had set aside. i left my shirt as a protective barrier and covered it with a few large pieces of urban debris, then climbed out of my hole. once again illuminated by the day's light, i examined myself. my arms were completely clean, and a faint glow emanated from my skin. the world separated itself in my eyes. those things that reciprocated my feelings of interrelation began to glow with me. those that sought to avoid my heightened presence began to fade into shadowed insignificance. i looked around at my new world, and smiled at what i had found.
as i walked down the sidewalk between parking lot and front door at work yesterday morning, a beam of light broke through the darkness in front of me. a reflection off countless mirrored surfaces of satellites and other space debris, culminating in this brief and unlikely contact between this light and me. taken aback, i paused and waited for the beam to illuminate its plan for me. it twinkled, as if amused, and then flickered out of existence. i was suddenly left blinded and alone, save the residual light shadow in my eyes. i was locked into place. my body would not move, and my mind was fixated on the dot before me. the only proof of its short existence was burned into my retinas, but even that was beginning to fade. so even as this now imaginary light slipped back into the darkness, the pavement below me rolled back as my mind filled the void. time reversed itself and the world around me reverted to the past. soon i was staring at a hole beneath a giant evergreen tree. the lights of the present slowly returned, and the sidewalk and other modern accouterments returned with it. but memory of that vision remained. so, hori hori in hand, i sought to reveal the past once again. my hand slammed down, and a crack split the slab. i continued unabated. coworkers and bystanders stopped to ask what was happening, but i merely shrugged and continued my work. i made it through the concrete down to earth, but this was not the same earth, so i pressed downwards. past wires and sewer pipes, i dug deeper. through the sediment and build up of urban contamination, i continued. i went past the buried remains of old and forgotten human ingenuity long since covered. i dug until i reached earth, real earth. the dirt made of leaves and needles, decayed and compressed into a fertile womb to cultivate new life. and still i dug, though carefully now. i took off my shirt, and i placed this old earth inside for safe keeping. as i dug further still, my hori hit something solid buried beneath. i wiped the dark loam away, and found a sheet of petrified wood forming a lid. i lifted this up, and found my hole, filled with a cloying, inky blackness that modern light could not penetrate. so, i reached my hand inside, and found only a thin line of exposed metal running through the empty space, continuing into the earth on either side. as my hand closed around it, i was hit with a rush of energy that filled my body, and then continued into the sky, curving towards some cosmic confluence beyond my comprehension. a link was formed, some connection completed, and then silence, just a hum of energy infecting me to a quantum level. flush with anticipation, i waited for this contact to ameliorate and enlighten. but in return, i felt nothing beyond the acknowledgment implied by the connection's persistence. then, a quick throb, and the light retreated. i released my grip, and replaced the wooden lid, then the dirt i had set aside. i left my shirt as a protective barrier and covered it with a few large pieces of urban debris, then climbed out of my hole. once again illuminated by the day's light, i examined myself. my arms were completely clean, and a faint glow emanated from my skin. the world separated itself in my eyes. those things that reciprocated my feelings of interrelation began to glow with me. those that sought to avoid my heightened presence began to fade into shadowed insignificance. i looked around at my new world, and smiled at what i had found.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
this is for the girls that used to diss me...
other people must be so confused. sometimes i feel like i am receiving a lecture from professor me in a giant auditorium, surrounded by other mes. and there you are, probably wondering if you are in the right class, because there is a bizarre atmosphere permeating the entire scene in such a wholesale manner that it makes you question your own sanity. there is always information missing anyways, associations that i can make being me.
however, they have decided to beam me through the fabric of the universe using electrical currents and beams of light, so i will gorge myself on power. someday, they will broadcast the internet into space for anyone to connect too. our first contact with aliens will probably be on internet message boards. those first aliens will become the greatest trolls in history. i bet you they will pirate media online too. i will probably show up on another planet someday in the flesh as a known quantity...
other people must be so confused. sometimes i feel like i am receiving a lecture from professor me in a giant auditorium, surrounded by other mes. and there you are, probably wondering if you are in the right class, because there is a bizarre atmosphere permeating the entire scene in such a wholesale manner that it makes you question your own sanity. there is always information missing anyways, associations that i can make being me.
however, they have decided to beam me through the fabric of the universe using electrical currents and beams of light, so i will gorge myself on power. someday, they will broadcast the internet into space for anyone to connect too. our first contact with aliens will probably be on internet message boards. those first aliens will become the greatest trolls in history. i bet you they will pirate media online too. i will probably show up on another planet someday in the flesh as a known quantity...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
woo hoo, woo hoo! crazy half turkey noises!
weekend comes a day early for me!
i am almost fully unencumbered until sunday. any other meetings i have will be about beer first, and if they want to talk about work, i will be drinking beer on the clock. their call, really.
that leaves us with unencumbered time to think. i am on the verge of becoming the sole male presence in the kitchen. i have known about it, but i am not sure if the full magnitude of this has been given its proper attention. i am honestly not sure how it is going to work. just like i thrive on the attention of women, women thrive on the attention of men. i am seriously thinking of suggesting that everyone have at least some overlap on a shift with me at some point during the week. i mean, i have jokingly suggested it, but maybe there would be some benefit. i just worry that some day i will come into work and find a huge pool of blood because one of these girls has actually torn someone apart. it is going to be like herding cats back there.
but what is it going to do to me? there is a good chance i will end up overcompensating and get myself into trouble. i will be in an evolutionary advantageous situation, and i imagine that will start triggering all sorts of instinctual social behaviors. it would be awkward if everytime the dairy guy showed up, i unconsciously took of my shirt and strutted around while turning my chest bright red by rushing blood too it to try and establish dominance. luckily i'm not a lizard or a bird or something, so i should be relatively safe, but the point still stands. that is only once a week though, and he brings me valuable foodstuffs to distribute to my flock. crisis averted... the dairy guy can stay at least. probably, it means a little more work, but that's ok. i'll earn more belly rubs than usual if i end up doing more. look look! i took out the trash! scratch me on that spot under my chin as a reward, i've been ever so good!
luckily i get along with everyone. this is all a intellectual discussion anyways because i am pretty much sequestered with my own tasks to attend to. i was thinking about this today, about how little contact i actually have with my coworkers. the people i work the closest with, i literally almost never see. if things are running completely smoothly, i do never see them. the baristas i have fleeting contact, and i spend a good majority of my day with my back turned to everyone else due to the positioning of my tiny little area. and when i'm busy, there is no room for chitchat. i have too much to do. i don't actually have the social pull to do more than nudge the mood here and there. kill a few minutes of work for them so they can get out of there with less mental strain.
it cracks me up, but if i were one of them i would be annoyed at the situation. i am annoyed at myself, because i gave myself unencumbered time to thing, and i ended up talking about work anyways.
weekend comes a day early for me!
i am almost fully unencumbered until sunday. any other meetings i have will be about beer first, and if they want to talk about work, i will be drinking beer on the clock. their call, really.
that leaves us with unencumbered time to think. i am on the verge of becoming the sole male presence in the kitchen. i have known about it, but i am not sure if the full magnitude of this has been given its proper attention. i am honestly not sure how it is going to work. just like i thrive on the attention of women, women thrive on the attention of men. i am seriously thinking of suggesting that everyone have at least some overlap on a shift with me at some point during the week. i mean, i have jokingly suggested it, but maybe there would be some benefit. i just worry that some day i will come into work and find a huge pool of blood because one of these girls has actually torn someone apart. it is going to be like herding cats back there.
but what is it going to do to me? there is a good chance i will end up overcompensating and get myself into trouble. i will be in an evolutionary advantageous situation, and i imagine that will start triggering all sorts of instinctual social behaviors. it would be awkward if everytime the dairy guy showed up, i unconsciously took of my shirt and strutted around while turning my chest bright red by rushing blood too it to try and establish dominance. luckily i'm not a lizard or a bird or something, so i should be relatively safe, but the point still stands. that is only once a week though, and he brings me valuable foodstuffs to distribute to my flock. crisis averted... the dairy guy can stay at least. probably, it means a little more work, but that's ok. i'll earn more belly rubs than usual if i end up doing more. look look! i took out the trash! scratch me on that spot under my chin as a reward, i've been ever so good!
luckily i get along with everyone. this is all a intellectual discussion anyways because i am pretty much sequestered with my own tasks to attend to. i was thinking about this today, about how little contact i actually have with my coworkers. the people i work the closest with, i literally almost never see. if things are running completely smoothly, i do never see them. the baristas i have fleeting contact, and i spend a good majority of my day with my back turned to everyone else due to the positioning of my tiny little area. and when i'm busy, there is no room for chitchat. i have too much to do. i don't actually have the social pull to do more than nudge the mood here and there. kill a few minutes of work for them so they can get out of there with less mental strain.
it cracks me up, but if i were one of them i would be annoyed at the situation. i am annoyed at myself, because i gave myself unencumbered time to thing, and i ended up talking about work anyways.
Friday, April 17, 2009
oh shit, i forgot. last night was great, because at least i knew exactly why everything was ominous. i was working with stringer bell on something, it was sweet. that guy is awesome. that is what happens when you fall asleep watching the wire, i guess
i am here because i had a good idea once, that needs to be simplified and then expanded upon. i am here because once i realize this idea ends with more long term ramifications, i will be able to derive short term mental objectives in the never ending spy games i play against my head. i am here because i am stoned, and being stoned allows me to take thought processes from one problem to another set of concepts entirely, and use the reasoning to work towards solutions unrelated to the original. alright three reasons, i can go on.
finding a way to be. what is the real idea? am i looking for the way i default too? am i looking for the way i wish i was? i say neither, or more a combination of the two. if i am just looking for the way i act naturally, how is there any progress in that idea? if i am looking for the way i wish i was, i am just looking to build another illusion to hide behind. i think this needs to tone down a little, it can't be about building a complete picture and then dropping it like a warhead. consider us in an information gathering stage.
first up, finding which of my default actions i think are positive additions. this can't be about stripping negative habits away. default actions are default actions, i can't just force myself to not do something. eventually, i will slip, and what choice do i have then, besides punishing myself for slipping? no, it can be so much easier. there is no need to get worked up about anything. i need to notice when i do something right. that thing i just did? that was hilarious and awesome. that was dumb, but it worked. that was solid and well reasoned. just like building muscle memory in climbing, i need to build synapse memory for the everyday. that is how i will find the raw material to build something worth my attention.
i want those synapse memories. these last two months or so, having so many things in climbing fall into place organically due to hard work has opened my eyes a little. i remember how i felt when i started, wishing i could do certain moves, knowing my body physically couldn't at this point. there was just so much to work on, i had to be one thing at a time. everything had to be built from scratch, and slowly i could do certain moves, that turned into more moves, and on and on until we are where we are now, which was my goal from the start, to finish all of the wall. now i have done them all, both ways. so now we get to start from here. i see this as the beginning. i was joking around with my coworkers, it only took a year and two months, but i can finally call myself in shape. now it is time to learn how to climb, to learn my climbing.
it may go slowly, but if i can build up those reactions, to notice what works, and focus on hopefully being able to replicate that until it happens by instinct, well that seems like that fits right along the goals of the original idea. that seems like a good solid foundation to build on.
the great thing? climbing wasn't the correlation i was originally working from. climbing was just the vocabulary i used to build the idea. i have another post i wanted to do on vocabulary, but that can wait. that is an idea that needs more structure. anyways, climbing was just a side benefit, a third application for this swirl of ideas. and, it has been very prevalent in my thoughts. i am surprised it doesn't come up in every conversation i have, considering how much of my life and thoughts i dedicate to climbing. i am obsessed, in a good way. it is a fucking rad hobby.
finding a way to be. what is the real idea? am i looking for the way i default too? am i looking for the way i wish i was? i say neither, or more a combination of the two. if i am just looking for the way i act naturally, how is there any progress in that idea? if i am looking for the way i wish i was, i am just looking to build another illusion to hide behind. i think this needs to tone down a little, it can't be about building a complete picture and then dropping it like a warhead. consider us in an information gathering stage.
first up, finding which of my default actions i think are positive additions. this can't be about stripping negative habits away. default actions are default actions, i can't just force myself to not do something. eventually, i will slip, and what choice do i have then, besides punishing myself for slipping? no, it can be so much easier. there is no need to get worked up about anything. i need to notice when i do something right. that thing i just did? that was hilarious and awesome. that was dumb, but it worked. that was solid and well reasoned. just like building muscle memory in climbing, i need to build synapse memory for the everyday. that is how i will find the raw material to build something worth my attention.
i want those synapse memories. these last two months or so, having so many things in climbing fall into place organically due to hard work has opened my eyes a little. i remember how i felt when i started, wishing i could do certain moves, knowing my body physically couldn't at this point. there was just so much to work on, i had to be one thing at a time. everything had to be built from scratch, and slowly i could do certain moves, that turned into more moves, and on and on until we are where we are now, which was my goal from the start, to finish all of the wall. now i have done them all, both ways. so now we get to start from here. i see this as the beginning. i was joking around with my coworkers, it only took a year and two months, but i can finally call myself in shape. now it is time to learn how to climb, to learn my climbing.
it may go slowly, but if i can build up those reactions, to notice what works, and focus on hopefully being able to replicate that until it happens by instinct, well that seems like that fits right along the goals of the original idea. that seems like a good solid foundation to build on.
the great thing? climbing wasn't the correlation i was originally working from. climbing was just the vocabulary i used to build the idea. i have another post i wanted to do on vocabulary, but that can wait. that is an idea that needs more structure. anyways, climbing was just a side benefit, a third application for this swirl of ideas. and, it has been very prevalent in my thoughts. i am surprised it doesn't come up in every conversation i have, considering how much of my life and thoughts i dedicate to climbing. i am obsessed, in a good way. it is a fucking rad hobby.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
i am doing this because i enjoy writing. i am doing this because it helps my mental stability. i am doing this because i have had no less than 4 blog topics fall by the wayside due to inactivity this week. one today was hilarious, but i can't remember what it was, and the other three? their time has passed, so i get to wait until they organically resurface.
i am doing this because i have had a great week, at least in part. i am having mixed feelings about the ominocity surrounding ryan at the moment. if he is feeling ominous, it is at least worth my attention, so i'll be extra careful on the up and over tonight just to be safe. i'll try to come back to this later though, like a whole paragraph from now. this is already turning into a chronologically jumbled blog. i have spent more time trying to keep track of what i am and am not going to write than anything else. in fact, i don't believe i have said anything else up to this point...
the weird thing? the ominous thing in my life? i have been having these crazy dreams. like, every time i go to sleep, even if i am just napping for an hour, i'll drop into these ultra realistic dreams. i mean EVERY TIME. i haven't had a real, full on, remember me for weeks sort of dream in a good long while, and now this happens? hmmmmm..... fuck me, i have more to talk about before i talk about that hmmmmm. this is a fucked up dialogue. but yeah, these dreams are all related. they all link up. they are all in the same universe, in the same time period, with the same people (all the people i know, that is to say). they are all tied to the same events, i know it. there is this oppressive intensity pervading them that i can't as of yet explain. like, i am on edge the entire dream, and so far they have only chronicled the mundane. nothing of note has happened. i mean, i can tell you stupid things that happened over the course of them. ryan and i were diving for diamonds in a shallow area of a calm beach with a bunch of people, presumably at some sort of bachelor party. joe and i were looking over this spiral bound notebook my mom made and heather gave us from ryan and heather's wedding, but i don't think the wedding has happened in the dream. the front page is this weird write up featuring quotes and passages from the dream representations of our blogs. these passages keep popping up, so i pay special attention to them every time i see them, but when i read them they are stupid shit, the same shit, like over and over. silly crap about starflower, and brewing beer, you know, the mundane. i am completely on edge in these dreams though, and so far i have no idea why. i wake up, and my heart is pounding, and my mind is racing, and i can't figure out WHY. usually i kind of have a feeling of what is going on when i have dreams like this. i don't always know the full story, but i know something is happening, and the important people in the dream also know. i am on the run from the law a lot. i have people chasing me a lot. i had this awesome dream where i was some sort of spy or merc or something at war with a secret organization and one operative in particular that descended into all out war. that was freaking incredible, going hallway to hallway in the weird dream stylized version of my last apartment building on greenwood, taking suited agents out, and finally walking down the middle of the street with a rocket launcher over my shoulder and an automatic rifle slung across my back. usually i know something is going on, and why i am tripping out, but this time i'm not sure at all. like, i spend my time trying to solve this mystery, but there is none. everything is just so commonplace. i wouldn't have taken note at all, but since monday, i've had 6 or 7 of these dreams, and all of them have been like this.
lets go back to that hmmmmm interruption we had there. i have always been fascinated by the idea of lucid dreaming. i have managed to do it before, to trigger it while i am in a dream. i have even had short periods of my life where i consciously thought enough about lucid dreaming over the span of a few days that once i was dreaming, i automatically remembered my techniques to trigger the lucid dream and carried them out. of course, i always promptly forget about it in a few days, and so all progress is lost. i won't say all progress, since i have definitely gotten better, but it is not like i keep it up enough to be able to control it on a whim. but it has struck me right now, that these dreams would be the perfect vessel for a lucid dream. these are the kind of dreams that feel so intensely real that they are hard to break out of. the are happening with regular frequency, without the need for a full scale deep sleep. if they keep happening, i may have the perfect opportunity to explore this a little further. there is already even a built in trigger now, with those blog excerpts that i can link to conscious thought.
i'll definitely have to look into that. well, i believe i have wrapped up all of the separate threads i spewed out at the beginning of this blog, so i'll leave you thinking about lucid dreams, and what YOU can do to have them. the two things that work the best for me? when you have that faint suspicion that you are dreaming in a dream, spin around and look behind you, or look at your hands. i think it has something to do with your dreams not being fully prepared to render these details sufficiently on demand like that, so the inherit wrongness of the way your hands look, or the disconnect between what is in front of you and what is behind you will validate your suspicions and give you proof that yes, in fact, you are dreaming. so if this realization that you are dreaming doesn't snap you out of your dream, you will now have control over your subconscious. and yes it is true, you can basically do anything you want at that point, once you have conscious control over your subconscious. you can make things appear. you can transport yourself anywhere. you can even fly. the turning around thing works the best for me, but the hand thing works pretty well too.
i am doing this because i have had a great week, at least in part. i am having mixed feelings about the ominocity surrounding ryan at the moment. if he is feeling ominous, it is at least worth my attention, so i'll be extra careful on the up and over tonight just to be safe. i'll try to come back to this later though, like a whole paragraph from now. this is already turning into a chronologically jumbled blog. i have spent more time trying to keep track of what i am and am not going to write than anything else. in fact, i don't believe i have said anything else up to this point...
the weird thing? the ominous thing in my life? i have been having these crazy dreams. like, every time i go to sleep, even if i am just napping for an hour, i'll drop into these ultra realistic dreams. i mean EVERY TIME. i haven't had a real, full on, remember me for weeks sort of dream in a good long while, and now this happens? hmmmmm..... fuck me, i have more to talk about before i talk about that hmmmmm. this is a fucked up dialogue. but yeah, these dreams are all related. they all link up. they are all in the same universe, in the same time period, with the same people (all the people i know, that is to say). they are all tied to the same events, i know it. there is this oppressive intensity pervading them that i can't as of yet explain. like, i am on edge the entire dream, and so far they have only chronicled the mundane. nothing of note has happened. i mean, i can tell you stupid things that happened over the course of them. ryan and i were diving for diamonds in a shallow area of a calm beach with a bunch of people, presumably at some sort of bachelor party. joe and i were looking over this spiral bound notebook my mom made and heather gave us from ryan and heather's wedding, but i don't think the wedding has happened in the dream. the front page is this weird write up featuring quotes and passages from the dream representations of our blogs. these passages keep popping up, so i pay special attention to them every time i see them, but when i read them they are stupid shit, the same shit, like over and over. silly crap about starflower, and brewing beer, you know, the mundane. i am completely on edge in these dreams though, and so far i have no idea why. i wake up, and my heart is pounding, and my mind is racing, and i can't figure out WHY. usually i kind of have a feeling of what is going on when i have dreams like this. i don't always know the full story, but i know something is happening, and the important people in the dream also know. i am on the run from the law a lot. i have people chasing me a lot. i had this awesome dream where i was some sort of spy or merc or something at war with a secret organization and one operative in particular that descended into all out war. that was freaking incredible, going hallway to hallway in the weird dream stylized version of my last apartment building on greenwood, taking suited agents out, and finally walking down the middle of the street with a rocket launcher over my shoulder and an automatic rifle slung across my back. usually i know something is going on, and why i am tripping out, but this time i'm not sure at all. like, i spend my time trying to solve this mystery, but there is none. everything is just so commonplace. i wouldn't have taken note at all, but since monday, i've had 6 or 7 of these dreams, and all of them have been like this.
lets go back to that hmmmmm interruption we had there. i have always been fascinated by the idea of lucid dreaming. i have managed to do it before, to trigger it while i am in a dream. i have even had short periods of my life where i consciously thought enough about lucid dreaming over the span of a few days that once i was dreaming, i automatically remembered my techniques to trigger the lucid dream and carried them out. of course, i always promptly forget about it in a few days, and so all progress is lost. i won't say all progress, since i have definitely gotten better, but it is not like i keep it up enough to be able to control it on a whim. but it has struck me right now, that these dreams would be the perfect vessel for a lucid dream. these are the kind of dreams that feel so intensely real that they are hard to break out of. the are happening with regular frequency, without the need for a full scale deep sleep. if they keep happening, i may have the perfect opportunity to explore this a little further. there is already even a built in trigger now, with those blog excerpts that i can link to conscious thought.
i'll definitely have to look into that. well, i believe i have wrapped up all of the separate threads i spewed out at the beginning of this blog, so i'll leave you thinking about lucid dreams, and what YOU can do to have them. the two things that work the best for me? when you have that faint suspicion that you are dreaming in a dream, spin around and look behind you, or look at your hands. i think it has something to do with your dreams not being fully prepared to render these details sufficiently on demand like that, so the inherit wrongness of the way your hands look, or the disconnect between what is in front of you and what is behind you will validate your suspicions and give you proof that yes, in fact, you are dreaming. so if this realization that you are dreaming doesn't snap you out of your dream, you will now have control over your subconscious. and yes it is true, you can basically do anything you want at that point, once you have conscious control over your subconscious. you can make things appear. you can transport yourself anywhere. you can even fly. the turning around thing works the best for me, but the hand thing works pretty well too.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
gathering my thoughts. so, that happened indeed. anyways
lets dive right in. the fictionalization of my world. there is a layer, a filter laid down over the top of the world i live in. it is like there is a movie being shot around real life, and i am writing and directing it. a subconscious visual monologue. naturally, i take great comfort in works of fiction. tv shows, movies, books, my mind revels in the chance to just absorb for a while. it gets to play, without repercussion. it can dance and extrapolate, it can assign value and formulate prophetic expectations, because there is no consequence to failure, and answers are usually on the way. when there are no answers? well, then the product of my imagination is correct by default. hmmm... i believe we can follow this train of thought and say i draw more meaning and place a higher importance on a world of fiction. i think i can say that, and not even have any problems saying it, beyond admitting it out loud. i wrote that, and hoped for a hesitation, but it seems pretty solid, so i guess we go with it.
what does this say? about me, or real life. the reality i live in. reality seems to be something of a disappointment, now that we are forced to deal with it, but i think that is more a function of unrealistic expectations. i guess my illusions of a world of splendor and awe ended when i realized i would never be the next einstein in 7th grade or so, and i've been trudging along ever since. but we work with what we have, right? after that moment, we can basically boil life down to a long string of comparisons between the value of the effort exerted and the value of the product of said effort. the more disillusioned i get, the less effort i deem worthy. something odd happened at some point though. i started to miss effort. eventually, i just need something to work on, to work through, problems to solve. those things i deem worthy of effort, either with good reason or arbitrarily receive a higher quality effort as a welcome side effect of my cultural apathy. that is something i did not expect.
anyways, back to fiction. i work with what i've got, right? reality can't hold my attention, or at least doesn't require enough of my attention to provide the stimulus my brain needs to function. so i change things around a little. spruce things up, fill in the blanks, whatever inane term you want to call it. it just adds the extra sauce i need. yes, it does get annoying sometimes. it gets annoying knowing things will not satisfy me in as meaningful a way as they could. but i get bored enough as it is, and start messing with things. if i didn't have that distraction, i would become a true scion of chaos. my mind would turn on my, and start tearing things down, just for the sake of entertainment.
i don't know, it all seems so poorly conceptualized right now. instead of bittersweet, it feels downright dour, and that is not the way i meant it. this isn't exactly rocket science, it is the human condition. the box i am in can't hold me. under different circumstance, we all could have been emperors or philosophers or whatever the hell kind of over-hyped name managed to make a permanent mark on history. nah, most of us won't be able to find our path to success, let alone glory. but we don't surrender. we lay in wait, honing ourselves for that one moment in time that we will be needed. because over our ever extending lifespans, there will be a time for each of us to step into the spotlight and take control of the situation in front of us. will you be ready? or will you keep your head down and put your earbuds back as you increase your pace to carry you away from perceived effort and potential hardship.
we live with what we have to. there is just too much we can't change on an individual basis, and in the end we all have to learn to function as individuals. sometimes that turns into a slog through urban drudgery, smoothed over with pleasant or engaging fictions. that slog is better than abdicating who you are as an individual. it is just one of the hardships we suffer to keep control over our lives. to be able to say "i deserve the right to live as i choose, because i value my judgment over all others."
lets dive right in. the fictionalization of my world. there is a layer, a filter laid down over the top of the world i live in. it is like there is a movie being shot around real life, and i am writing and directing it. a subconscious visual monologue. naturally, i take great comfort in works of fiction. tv shows, movies, books, my mind revels in the chance to just absorb for a while. it gets to play, without repercussion. it can dance and extrapolate, it can assign value and formulate prophetic expectations, because there is no consequence to failure, and answers are usually on the way. when there are no answers? well, then the product of my imagination is correct by default. hmmm... i believe we can follow this train of thought and say i draw more meaning and place a higher importance on a world of fiction. i think i can say that, and not even have any problems saying it, beyond admitting it out loud. i wrote that, and hoped for a hesitation, but it seems pretty solid, so i guess we go with it.
what does this say? about me, or real life. the reality i live in. reality seems to be something of a disappointment, now that we are forced to deal with it, but i think that is more a function of unrealistic expectations. i guess my illusions of a world of splendor and awe ended when i realized i would never be the next einstein in 7th grade or so, and i've been trudging along ever since. but we work with what we have, right? after that moment, we can basically boil life down to a long string of comparisons between the value of the effort exerted and the value of the product of said effort. the more disillusioned i get, the less effort i deem worthy. something odd happened at some point though. i started to miss effort. eventually, i just need something to work on, to work through, problems to solve. those things i deem worthy of effort, either with good reason or arbitrarily receive a higher quality effort as a welcome side effect of my cultural apathy. that is something i did not expect.
anyways, back to fiction. i work with what i've got, right? reality can't hold my attention, or at least doesn't require enough of my attention to provide the stimulus my brain needs to function. so i change things around a little. spruce things up, fill in the blanks, whatever inane term you want to call it. it just adds the extra sauce i need. yes, it does get annoying sometimes. it gets annoying knowing things will not satisfy me in as meaningful a way as they could. but i get bored enough as it is, and start messing with things. if i didn't have that distraction, i would become a true scion of chaos. my mind would turn on my, and start tearing things down, just for the sake of entertainment.
i don't know, it all seems so poorly conceptualized right now. instead of bittersweet, it feels downright dour, and that is not the way i meant it. this isn't exactly rocket science, it is the human condition. the box i am in can't hold me. under different circumstance, we all could have been emperors or philosophers or whatever the hell kind of over-hyped name managed to make a permanent mark on history. nah, most of us won't be able to find our path to success, let alone glory. but we don't surrender. we lay in wait, honing ourselves for that one moment in time that we will be needed. because over our ever extending lifespans, there will be a time for each of us to step into the spotlight and take control of the situation in front of us. will you be ready? or will you keep your head down and put your earbuds back as you increase your pace to carry you away from perceived effort and potential hardship.
we live with what we have to. there is just too much we can't change on an individual basis, and in the end we all have to learn to function as individuals. sometimes that turns into a slog through urban drudgery, smoothed over with pleasant or engaging fictions. that slog is better than abdicating who you are as an individual. it is just one of the hardships we suffer to keep control over our lives. to be able to say "i deserve the right to live as i choose, because i value my judgment over all others."
Thursday, April 09, 2009
weekend time, suck it.
the mariners are back, and i am not sure how i feel about that. i approach this season with a sense of chagrin, knowing i am going to pay attention which will inevitably lead to heartbreak once again. they did it already. the offseason started out fine, then at the end of camp their handling of some of our prospects hit like a fork to the nuts. but what am i supposed to do, stop paying attention to baseball? yeah, i'll never kick my sports habit. having your life destroyed by a losing baseball team is all part of the human experience, so bring it on. i'll root for you, chris jakubauskas, even as your era out of the bullpen balloons to 5.40 during our midseason dive to the bottom of the standings. because you had the potential, once, to buck the trend and become cool in a way ryan franklin could never dream of.
oh yeah, i feel the blood flowing through my veins now. i know exactly how i am feeling about baseball, and it gives me tingly in the pants feelings. baseball isn't about the season at hand, it is about all seasons that could happen years from now. everyone is so hard at work building that indomitable baseball dynasty. unparalleled success is just around the corner! buy some more peanuts.
the mariners are back, and i am not sure how i feel about that. i approach this season with a sense of chagrin, knowing i am going to pay attention which will inevitably lead to heartbreak once again. they did it already. the offseason started out fine, then at the end of camp their handling of some of our prospects hit like a fork to the nuts. but what am i supposed to do, stop paying attention to baseball? yeah, i'll never kick my sports habit. having your life destroyed by a losing baseball team is all part of the human experience, so bring it on. i'll root for you, chris jakubauskas, even as your era out of the bullpen balloons to 5.40 during our midseason dive to the bottom of the standings. because you had the potential, once, to buck the trend and become cool in a way ryan franklin could never dream of.
oh yeah, i feel the blood flowing through my veins now. i know exactly how i am feeling about baseball, and it gives me tingly in the pants feelings. baseball isn't about the season at hand, it is about all seasons that could happen years from now. everyone is so hard at work building that indomitable baseball dynasty. unparalleled success is just around the corner! buy some more peanuts.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
you simpering little shit! HORNY AND COMPANIONSHIP STARVED. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? what are you going to do.
so this is how it was? this is how i live and act? it would seem so... a world of internalized conversations. the life i live in my head is so much more exciting. the things i've done! it is a lot easier to look cool when you control both sides of the issue.
moving on. i desperately want to take issue with something right now. i want to latch on to something, and use it to launch myself into a diatribe on self, so i can feel productive and suitable self aware. but really, what is worth my time. i drink to much and turn into an ass? meh. i've been a belligerent bastard? meh.
nothing doing. i am just filled with angst, and looking for a way to vent. interesting that i am not allowing myself. it is fake angst. self serving angst. it doesn't deserve the attention i am giving it by calling it out as dumb.
moving on. i desperately want to take issue with something right now. i want to latch on to something, and use it to launch myself into a diatribe on self, so i can feel productive and suitable self aware. but really, what is worth my time. i drink to much and turn into an ass? meh. i've been a belligerent bastard? meh.
nothing doing. i am just filled with angst, and looking for a way to vent. interesting that i am not allowing myself. it is fake angst. self serving angst. it doesn't deserve the attention i am giving it by calling it out as dumb.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
alright, i told myself i need to try and remember this today when i was thinking about it, so lets see what i have.
i once got a lot of shit for saying i was an optimist, but a realistic optimist. this was coming from a hardcore bitch of a pessimist, so it was really a no win situation. i tried to explain it then, with some success (she shut up at least and begrudgingly conceded a point, which was rare). it has been kicking around from time to time, but today i think i hit on the most concise description.
pure optimism has always kind of bugged me. a dogged adherence to optimism is almost a delusional form of pessimism. by just expecting everything to be good, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. this is something that most pessimists will use to reinforce their arguments.
that is where i come in. i don't expect everything to be good. i expect realistic things to happen. so, going through realistic options, you can discern a few natural trajectories. realistic optimism is all about aligning yourself with the positive trajectories and actively putting effort towards them, to ensure a positive outcome when compared to the mean. therefore statistically speaking, you can say that positive things happen more often. once you can do this, you can expect the outcome to be positive, at least work with that as the more likely outcome, and be right more often than not. it is like pouring into a beaker in chemistry, with a line at the halfway point. you won't be exact anyways, so you pour to the top of the line. the glass is now half full, instead of half empty. alright, that last line was cheesy, but you get the idea.
anyways, this is my philosophy. the optimism part isn't really the guiding factor, it is the end goal. the real focus is more that of pattern recognition and personal alignment, which when paired initially with unbiased analysis can give you a natural advantage to exploit. optimism is really just a mindset anyways, but delusion is something i frown upon. there are serious mental advantages to optimism, but like i said in its pure form, you lose a baseline rationality that can be crippling. that is why i spent the majority of my adolescence as a cynic and a pessimist, i was ultimately adhering to a rational mindset. but, if you can find a rational explanation that works in harmony with the mental benefits of optimistic thinking, while still keeping the flexibility to recognize the sometimes cold truth in situations, you are on to something. in my belief, true hard line optimists are afraid. it is the whole ostrich with its head in the sand thing. there is a balance to be struck first, and then you can trend in whatever direction you want, i suppose. if you want to be an emo little punk, or want to be considered a stone-cold tool of science, i can see how pessimism would your thing, but i want things to turn out in my advantage. call me crazy...
i once got a lot of shit for saying i was an optimist, but a realistic optimist. this was coming from a hardcore bitch of a pessimist, so it was really a no win situation. i tried to explain it then, with some success (she shut up at least and begrudgingly conceded a point, which was rare). it has been kicking around from time to time, but today i think i hit on the most concise description.
pure optimism has always kind of bugged me. a dogged adherence to optimism is almost a delusional form of pessimism. by just expecting everything to be good, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. this is something that most pessimists will use to reinforce their arguments.
that is where i come in. i don't expect everything to be good. i expect realistic things to happen. so, going through realistic options, you can discern a few natural trajectories. realistic optimism is all about aligning yourself with the positive trajectories and actively putting effort towards them, to ensure a positive outcome when compared to the mean. therefore statistically speaking, you can say that positive things happen more often. once you can do this, you can expect the outcome to be positive, at least work with that as the more likely outcome, and be right more often than not. it is like pouring into a beaker in chemistry, with a line at the halfway point. you won't be exact anyways, so you pour to the top of the line. the glass is now half full, instead of half empty. alright, that last line was cheesy, but you get the idea.
anyways, this is my philosophy. the optimism part isn't really the guiding factor, it is the end goal. the real focus is more that of pattern recognition and personal alignment, which when paired initially with unbiased analysis can give you a natural advantage to exploit. optimism is really just a mindset anyways, but delusion is something i frown upon. there are serious mental advantages to optimism, but like i said in its pure form, you lose a baseline rationality that can be crippling. that is why i spent the majority of my adolescence as a cynic and a pessimist, i was ultimately adhering to a rational mindset. but, if you can find a rational explanation that works in harmony with the mental benefits of optimistic thinking, while still keeping the flexibility to recognize the sometimes cold truth in situations, you are on to something. in my belief, true hard line optimists are afraid. it is the whole ostrich with its head in the sand thing. there is a balance to be struck first, and then you can trend in whatever direction you want, i suppose. if you want to be an emo little punk, or want to be considered a stone-cold tool of science, i can see how pessimism would your thing, but i want things to turn out in my advantage. call me crazy...
