lets ignore the obvious for a bit and just write. see how long i can put off the inevitable slide into a self-conciliatory funk

so, i am here. i am doing good. i am looking good. what do we have on our hands? a man of many faces. this is a topic i skirt around. i don't really feel like i have a distinct personality. i don't have a set of actions that really define me, that people can take across experiences and use to compare notes when trying to figure me out. i tend to have a much more malleable way of approaching things. i am not one to really care. most of the time, i don't let pride or moral considerations dictate the way things are going to be. if i am around someone, i am just naturally going to adjust the way i act to make things amenable to them. i don't see it as a denial of myself, or a compromise of my true character, it is just the way i operate. i feel i can just experience a fuller range of human emotions and perceptions than most without passing judgments on myself or others. i guess to put it bluntly, however you are, i can be. that is, if you and your actions are worth my time. i had to throw that in there, but that isn't ever really a problem. i tend not to surround myself with people i don't find interesting. if i do, it is usually happenstance, and either cold neutrality or empty platitudes will lubricate the situation until they aren't around anymore.

anyways, i guess i am something of a doppelganger. i have always wanted to talk about this, i have tried and failed, but now that i am, i am not sure what that says about me. mostly, it is just kind of baseline traits that take over, goofiness, cynicism, nerdiness, whatever. sometimes it does bleed over into moods and conversations and what have you, but that is hardly unique to me and what we are talking about, so i'll kind of gloss over that, even if it is something of a symptom. anyways, i imagine it can put a fair amount of stress on people, when i become something of a mirror for them. most people are much more fragile than they let on, and that i can totally understand. it took me a long time facing some hard truths to build the inner strength i feel i possess. is it fair to other people? i don't know, that seems like a silly question though. i am not doing anything malicious, i am really just reading people, picking up on who they are, and aligning the similarities in our personalities. if they are uncomfortable with who they are, or unready to face themselves, how can i avoid that? it isn't like i am fully incorporating them. i am not everything at the same time. i am many things, maybe more than most which is why i can find common ground with just about everyone, but it is not like i co opt the entirety of who they are.

i don't know. i guess that is why i am introvert. i make sense to myself. if there is something that bothers me, i have built the systems needed to find some sort of answer or solution, if not fix things. other people are more of a mystery. i want to know and understand things. i want to dialogue with people like i do here. and sometimes i can do that. some people, more so than others.

so, who the fuck am i? i mean, i admit to myself i don't have solid personality traits. i haven't really known many people long enough, in solid stretches of time, for trends to really develop in their eyes, not that i would expect most people to really take the time to make those connections. the one person, really, is ryan, and that is kind of another weird circumstance. i mean, we have known each other for a long time to varying degrees, and for almost a decade now have had this somewhat unnatural insight into the metaphysical through these blogs. i don't know if he could even begin to deconstruct me in a way that would even help. for me, it is kind of like, well, he's just ryan... you want to know about his personality? well, what part. when he is in social situations, when he is alone, when he is out on the town, when he is around his wife... i don't even know what i would say. it would all be the same empty, expected tripe to feed whoever was dumb enough to ask such a weird question in the first place.

so, it is down to me, and i'm not sure even i have the answers right now. i am sure there are some things that will shine through. i really would like a way to be, you know? it is actually somewhat exhausting being me sometimes. i wish i was simple enough that i had one set of mannerisms that ruled who i was. i think it would be really nice to have some sort of fall back that isn't just straight up blank-faced introversion. pulling back behind my eyes never really helps things.

now that i just realized that, i have this hunger. i have this need for answers. i want to know, and i want it to be simple, and i want it right now. i want, i want, i want, but i can't have. i have to wait, and even if i do, there is no saying whether i will ever find resolution. probably not. at least not positive resolution. things are never that simple, you very rarely end up with an outcome that you can claim categorically positive. but hey, give up immediately, and there is always a negative outcome. i really fucking hate that saying. i just hate the realization after the fact that yes, you really did waste that time and effort. at that point, you just have to pull whatever lessons you can out of it. this goes back to the whole "what have i learned today?" it is really ironic, that statement. it was universally taken as a positive, uplifting exercise, and i definitely intended it to be taken this way by other people. in reality, it was just another way for me to come to grips with life's constant disappointment, and move on and take what i could out of situations without cycling into a destructive pattern. so yes, it did have it's positive aspects, but i never really wanted anyone to know that it was just a gussied up version of the same.

and that has helped. it actually was one of the better things i have done for my own well-being, forcing myself to actually sit down and take notice of situations and what lessons i can take from them. it is way too easy to look at something uncomfortable or potentially uncomfortable and push it completely out of mind, because it would be hard to deal with. well, i am way off point, in any case, let me try to circle the wagons a little bit.

resolution. this search for some concrete semblance of self could be one of those things that i just never touch on again. it could be something i get all gung ho about, and incorporate as a pillar of my life, and drag behind me like a weight until it becomes a bitter, sad little delusion. but it could be another thing that actually helps me gain bearing. i see no downside beyond the typical downsides of self-observation, and i feel i am beyond the point where i have to worry about bearing those loads. i've shoveled enough shit in my time, that i don't really worry about it. it would just be nice, really nice to have something, no matter how small it starts, to point at and come back too when i am feeling out of touch with myself. instead of seeking blindly for that golden ray of inspiration that shows me some sort of inner truth about myself, actually constructing something piece by piece, scientifically.

hmm... there is something to begin with. i am a man of science. i am only attracted to the spiritual side of things because i am fucking lazy. i want some sort of answer with out the work, the aforementioned golden ray of inspiration. but those don't happen. i don't believe in miracles. sure i believe in connections i don't as of yet understand, but mostly i believe in misunderstood coincidence. there is a plausible answer, somewhere, but i wait around too much hoping for that answer to find me. i should just formulate a hypothesis, test it, even if only internally, and then work out a theory that will allow me to carry on with my life. when that theory is inevitably disproven, start the process anew. every time you do, you touch on a purer form of truth. because that truth is always what i am searching for. it would be nice if it was just dropped on me, but how is that a realistic thing to expect?

meh, i am running out of steam. i don't know what happened. life just plays games sometimes. i just look back in time, and i want to capture that moment again. i don't know where it went, or how it disappeared so abruptly. that is the best way to describe everything. abrupt. i am oddly calm, though. we'll see how that works tomorrow though...

yeah, i have some things i need to reconcile. i wrap myself in nice feelings to try to keep them alive. is that a bad thing? it would be a cold world if couldn't do this. i feel a little self-conscious about it, but i deserve to be comfortable and happy once in a while. it isn't like i am creating feelings out of thin air, but i am still walking a that fine line of delusion... i guess as long as i am not lying to myself. i can own up to the feelings i am having, i just can't let them blind me from reality. there we go, i am comfortable with that. that would have been a really bummer of a way to end this post

frivved up by Ben at 10:32 PM

today's post is going to be in no way fucking productive, so i'll just leave one thing. i still have my own life to lead. i can't just tiptoe around forever. that is all i need to say right now, but i need to say it

frivved up by Ben at 2:07 PM

yah dee fucking yaaaah

it's wierd. i spend so much time trying to decipher what my emotions are trying to tell me, trying to be totally in tune with the relationships between my mind and my life in general that it is hard to extract myself to them. but i have come to the realization right now that it would just be stupid to try and absorb myself into them. not that they are bad emotions, or that i am ignoring them or anything, it is just a much better idea to try and take more of an observer's view so i don't send my entire life into a raging torrent. at least that is what i think. it seems like a healthy approach.

it is just sort of confusing i guess. not the emotions or my life, just how radically different it seems to me. it is just another balance to seek. everything has it's flipside. if you get caught in an unbreakable routine, eventually life will find a way to screw you because of it.

oh well, anyways, other random transitional phrases i grossly overuse.

i am feeling more normal. i believe i pushed myself beyond my physical capacities, in terms of lack of sleep this weekend/week. that is ok, i had been feeling pretty invincible. i'll have to stop bragging about that crap now, but that is ok too. who wants to hear it anyways. it pretty much took me until today to fully recover, and i am coming out of it a little sick. i blame that on heather though. it is already going away, less than a day after things really hit, so that is good. i get a 4 day weekend now, that is nice. my schedule will be a little wonky over the next two weeks, but that is ok as well. i deserve to take over the load every once in a while. it keeps me on my toes. i feel like i skate by with the shifts i have anyways. i have a pretty sweetheart of a deal, compared to the other girl who opens. i am losing her though. that hurts, it really hurts. she is my protege, the person who has most taken to my style of work. she kicks ass. it has been great to watch her develop over the past few months, i feel she has taken a very similar path to me. she has hit the same barriers and worked through them on her own, just like i did. i am proud of her actually, i mean, we push ourselves pretty hard. it isn't an easy situation we are in, with the hours, and the workload and the consequences of failure. all you can do is go in and do your job and not worry about it. when you do that, things end up working out. you can always fix things if you need too.

it is good to care about that stuff though. i talk a lot of shit, but i care about my job. sure, it pisses me off sometimes, but that isn't the job itself. it is just work in general, and dealing with people (person). that is going to happen no matter what. when it comes down to it, i enjoy what i do, and take my job seriously. yes, i am very good at my job now, so i know know exactly what is needed of me. sometimes i really don't need to pay attention. then again, sometimes i don't need to pay attention, but i do anyways out of boredom. sometimes i push myself just for the fun of it. i really love working on my own, yet still in the presence of other people. i have my own little corner, and my own duties that are completely mine, but there are still other people around. i am sure i would go crazy if i was completely alone, but i like that everything comes down to me when i am on my shifts. it really helps me stay in a rhythm. really, it is why i haven't gotten a mp3 player back there, because i like to know what is going on around me. i could sequester myself off completely, but i feel my shifts would be missing something very important if i did that. i have this closet, i have been thinking about putting some of those cheap tiny speakers in there i can hook up to an mp3 player. the big deal is, there is this window that opens right out to the front, and i can't let the customers hear music. so we can listen to music, we just have to be wearing headphones. but in the closet, with speakers with no bass, i think i might be able to swing it so i can hear it through the little door in the closet, but it won't exactly project out to the front. to do that, i have to wait for our crazy manager to leave though. even if i do something like that, something technically within the spirit of the rule, but against the direct rule we have been given, she will get in a fucking mood and say i can't do it. i know it. but eventually, you know? as long as it doesn't cause problems, heather isn't going to care. it will be worth looking into at least, because that would make my job even better.

blah. blah BLAH BLAH blah blah blah BHAAAALLALALALALALALALA

fucking work. i should stop talking about it. i talk about work way too much. it is pretty all encompassing, it is an intense little place. shit, but without work, where was i going with this? momentum, DEAD.

frivved up by Ben at 2:08 PM

sunday, march 22, 2009. it is some unknown time after 3 am. i am standing at a street corner in a tiny, idiotic town on the central californian coast called Carmel-by-the-sea, or something equally pretentious. i have been wandering for a little over an hour through unlit, tiny streets in the pouring rain wearing a suit and a large brimmed white straw hat i bought three days before for $7.00 at walmart. i have seen the ocean in the middle of the night. i have been sprayed by a speeding car while walking along the side of a highway. i have broken down and tried to call ryan, knowing there is no way he will answer. i am holding my cell phone in front of me, trying to read a street sign by the faded blue light from its screen for the upteenth time tonight.

and there it is. 8th. finally, a street i recognize. i almost collapsed there, in the middle of the street. i took off my hat, put it over my chest, and exhaled a huge sigh of relief. all i had to do now was find junipero, somehow not miss the random driveway that turns into 11th, find the gated entrance to the nature preserve, and navigate the trails in the pitch black without falling into the little creek running through its center. but its ok, everything is ok.

it is 4:15 am. i have two room keys in my pocket. one i know is for ryan and heather's room, the other i assume is for radtke's room. i honestly don't remember. it might be for blake's room, but i can't recall even getting it at this point. i try them both on radtke's door, because i know there will be no one there. neither of them work. i am going to end up sleeping on the floor again, and probably wake someone up in the process. all of my stuff is in ryan and heather's room, so they are the lucky ones. they have been home for hours, so i figure if they were going to fuck after the wedding, they are probably done by now. i sneak in, and manage to wake neither of them up. i peel off my soaking clothes (they are sitting here next to me as i type this, still wet) and throw them on the chair. i put on a pair of jeans and a zip up hoody over my bare chest. at this point, i don't care. i manage to pull a pillow out from underneath ryan's head without waking him up. i wander through the dark to the bathroom and grab 2 damp bathrobes to use as a blanket. i collapse, barechested, barefooted, and wet to the bone on the hotel room carpet and experience the best sleep i have had over 72 hours. that moment right there, was the highlight of a particularly awesome weekend.

so, lets go back about 6 hours. i am sitting on a shuttle bus across from my friend radtke, grinning in a drunken stupor as he makes out with a bridesmaid. i didn't think he had it in him. i thought blake had his number. i thought he was going to self-destruct, as we all do from time to time. but he proved me wrong. no, i take that back. he did me proud. i was rooting for him all night. i had to see things through. i would spend the next few hours entertaining other bridesmaids to give him the opportunity he needed. i knew all he needed was some time alone with her, and that is what i was going to give him. i sent blake home alone in a cab, and escorted another bridesmaid back to their hotel, repeatedly dragging her back by the hand to keep a repsectful distance between us and them, while she said "this is bad" to me, over and over again. my response was "i am curious to see where things are going between these two, lets let this play out," which seemed to satisfy her. we were all so drunk at this point, it didn't really matter anyways.

i think the four of us sat in a sitting room for a bit, making idle chatter. i do know at one point either the girl i was entertaining or i suggested we go for a walk to leave them alone, which was a perfect idea. we followed a street until it dead-ended into a building, and then wandered back. we sat down in front of the hotel, and i talked about seattle, cupcakes, and girls to a chorus of awwww's until robbie came out onto his balcony and yelled at us. we went back to the hotel, and i sat across the room from her and talked until she got tired enough to go to bed. i helped her fold out a crappy hide-a-bed, and then sat down until she finally went to sleep. i waited about 5 minutes until the house was quiet, then left through the front door, closing it as quietly as possible.

it was only drizzling at this point, but within minutes it was full on pouring. i had no idea where we were. i was assuming we were just north of the little shopping area of carmel-by-the-sea, somewhere between there and monterey. i had no idea which way i was facing, or even where i needed to go. i was a shuttle ride and two drunken walks from anywhere i recognized, and the little town didn't exactly have street lights. so i just started walking. i found a big road, i don't even remember what it was called. it started curving, and i knew i was going the wrong way. i turned around, and started walking the other way, back into the warren of tiny streets with stupid names. i was so lost, i literally just started wandering, figuring i would eventually find something i knew. i went up hills, then back down, turned on roads and avenues and boulevards without really caring. at this point, i was fully expecting to end up wandering until 8 am, when ryan and heather would probably call me to figure out where i was so we could leave back for seattle. eventually i found mountain view. i knew that name, but i knew i was no where near where i thought i was. if i was on the mountain view i was thinking, i would be at the top of a hill looking down into the nature preserve. but i wasn't. anyways, it was progress. up to this point, i was seriously thinking about curling up underneath a bush for protection. then, i found ocean avenue. that name sounded vaguely familiar, so i took a guess and headed right. then, there it was. 8th. wonderful 8th. now, at least i was oriented. i knew i would make it. i had a 50/50 shot. one direction would take me to the ocean, while the other would take me home.

the rest we know. the nature preserve was very peaceful. it was kind of beautiful at night, despite the fact that i could barely see. once i popped out of the dense tree cover, at least i could make out the different shade of dirt on the ground that made up the trail. i almost wish i had stayed in there longer, but at this point i was exhausted. i was more or less sober by the time i made it back to the hotel. i woke up around 7:30 or 7:45 am. ryan and heather were still asleep. they had no idea what had happened. i smiled to myself and jumped in the shower. they needed to wake up soon anyways so we could pack up and hit the road. i vividly remember how good it was to finally feel warm again.

today at work, i only made it 2 hours before i left. we rushed home so i could make it home in time for this fucking shift because i was training some new person. i forced myself down to work on zero sleep after arriving in seattle about midnight because of this. my original plan had been to come in sometime mid morning after at least getting a little sleep. no one thought to tell me that the training was off. i take small solace in the fact that i woke my manager up at 4:30 in the morning to try and figure out what the hell was going on. small solace. i am pretty pissed actually, but it is ok. that is why i went home. i didn't really care at that point, i just needed to go home and sleep. i am still exhausted. after i finish this, i am going back to sleep.

this weekend is dedicated to jared radtke. good people deserve to have good things happen to them. like i said, he did me proud. this wedding, he dominated. it was all worth it just to make sure he saw it through. i don't even care if he fucked her. he could have. he should have. if he wanted too, he could say he did and everyone would believe him, even if he didn't, not that he is the type to do that. he is more of the type to say nothing and let us all make our own assumptions.

frivved up by Ben at 4:47 PM

man, i get that feeling all the time. i'll be typing something, and think "i've already written this." but then i go back and read like 2 years worth of posts, and realize that no, i haven't actually written that. i've written about that, and it is possible i have thought that in the process, but all of our thoughts can never make it down in one fell swoop. we have to follow the narrative, you know? you can't just clusterbomb, my mind at least can't remember everything like that. it is kind of nice. i always feel like i am repeating myself, but usually i end up just clarifying a post by writing what i meant to write in the first place

frivved up by Ben at 8:37 PM

oh wow, haha

sometimes, i shouldn't listen to my own advice. i was singing literally all day. in fact, the latest song i was singing went something like this:

"i am retard and its ok! everything is ooookay."

it has been a ridiculous week. i have slept so little, and worked so much, i don't really know what to say anymore. today was hilarious though. today is what happens when i am in a good mood at work, instead of annoyed. so more of that. less random song though, that was kind of a swing and a miss. yet possibly endearing. anyways, it's all good :) emoticon can not end post. thank you ryan

frivved up by Ben at 10:36 AM

ya da, ya da dah daaa dah

dun dun, dah dah!

ben is happy, he is in a good mood, he likes to do stuff, he's that kind of dude.

he's going climbing, his muscles need the wooooork. no one else going, they are all jeeeerks.

but thats oooookaaaaaay, everything is oooookay

because ben's happy, just like he should be. he shouldn't have worried, and he knew that too.

because evertyhing is oooookay, just like like it should be.

you know, i think this ties in to a point i made, probably one of the more important ones out of the last week's regurgitation. at least, the thing that had the most effect on me, as small as it was. we were talking about awkwardness, and the assumption of fault for whatever weird mood brought that on. i've always looked at situations, and tried to analyze what i did wrong to create awkwardness, or deteriorating moods, or whatever you want to think about. and so, apologies abound. i have a penchant for unnecessary apology anyways, so when i perceive some slight on my part, i am all over that. but if it isn't really me, let say someone else has something going on completely outside of my influence, my sensitivity to whatever it is just exacerbates the problem. i mean, here they are, working through their own troubles, and now suddenly they have to deal with my bullshit on top of it? and why, because i automatically assume i am at fault for everything?

that isn't necessary anymore. i've always felt broken i guess, and assumed that everyone else has their shit together, so when things get weird it is my fault. i don't feel the need to do that anymore. i mean, sure, i will do stuff. sure, stuff will be my fault. but not always. self analysis still has its place, but i can't just be creating answers out of nothing because i need an internal explanation. it isn't always going to be there, so assigning importance to every little flight of worry will just turn into another form of self deception. man, i am feeling great right now. i feel like i have just worked something out that will help me in the long run. it all seems so simple to me right now, i am amazed i never realized what was happening before.

does this mean i am no longer a broken man? that i can walk through the world with a false sense of superiority, instead of just a feigned false sense of superiority? that would be great. actually, i don't think i have been broken for a while. i mean, i don't have illusions of perfection or anything ridiculous like that, i definitely have my flaws, but overall i am pretty happy with the way things have turned out. that is a great feeling.

frivved up by Ben at 9:30 PM

hello

how are you?

have you had a nice day?

did anything exciting happen?

did you have any ideas worth noting?

what did you do to change your lot in life?

oh, well that is fine then, i was just wondering.

you are completely right, i didn't do anything either.

the words march across the page words march across the page.


i am losing it, just a little. i have this meeting for work this afternoon that is going to kill my chances of sleep tonight. right now i am hoping for a 2 hour nap or so. i am half considering going in early. that, however, is not without it's downsides as well. after working 23 hours in the first two days of this week, i find myself in the awkward position of having to limit my hours. i still have the same amount to accomplish though. it is weird. this whole week has been weird. i am out of sorts. i should have climbed last night, even if i meant going alone. i feel like all of the progress i made last week is going to be lost now, because it will be a week and a half between sessions again. again! at least! maybe more! oh god! CAUGHT!!! actually i'm not caught, just stuck in a stream of exclamations, but whatever.

but anyways..

i need to change my attitude. i am slipping into full on smart ass mode. it effects the people around me. it doesn't seem like it, but my personality looms large. i guess that is what happens when you are something of a grounding force. when things do change, the change everything around. tomorrow i will sing more. that usually keeps things lighter, and slightly more hilarious. hilariously out of tune. luckily bad singing tends to be endearing if it is done with good intentions and the proper acceptance of itself. good for me. i like singing. i would just never do it, never. but, i have realized that not everyone can carry a tune, so i'm not completely out of line if i need to belt something out. so sometimes, there it is, a bastardized barry manilow song i don't even really know. if i paid attention to lyrics, i could probably branch out a little more, but i don't. i can air guitar/piano/synth like a mad man. you need a solo bastardized? look no farther. just no drums, i am terrible at that too.

you know what? fuck that attitude change thing. i am a smart ass, no need to try and cover it up. why bother? i guess that can apply to a lot of things. i could get mad. i could change. i could look for an outside solution. but why bother? is the effort actually going to help anything, or will it just be one more step in a long series of lateral movements?

gah, i keep dozing just sitting her. i wish warfish was faster today. ahh well.

frivved up by Ben at 12:47 PM

alright, there was an idea once, that was pushed to the backburner due to an aversion to political rhetoric. we've given it time to simmer, i think its time to bring it back and see what new light we can shed on it.

i'm not a big jefferson history guy, but i know stuff. i know enough. he and i share the same basic philosophies. in today's world, i believe he would slant libertarian and be a non-believer, if not an outright atheist. anyways, i am not sure where i am going with that, besides saying i am jeffersonian.

oh yeah, the idea. ryan and i were trying to find a way to fuse libertarianism with a more liberal spirit. ryan and i also share a lot of the same principles, i believe. we have developed a less-biased outlook towards things, which leads us to seemingly irreconcilable dichotomies. it is amazing how much that word comes up in our posts. we try to be rational, without letting our base emotions take control of our actions. one thing that bothers me, and based on our near simultaneous arrival at certain ideas (his golden nuggets, shined up by me) i think ryan might agree is the complete acceptance and justification of greed in people's lives. it is just something that doesn't override our ability to look at things objectively. we can look beyond ourselves, i guess, and see that we are merely parts of a larger whole, so extracting unnecessary wealth at the expense of other people or the system at a whole will ultimately be detrimental to ourselves as well. so, i've been trying to find a term for the form of libertarianism that i can rationalize and support. the best i've come up with is collaborative libertarianism.

but first off, some things would need to change for it to be viable. one of the main driving forces of libertarianism will always be, in my mind, individual accomplishment. that is probably the single most attractive tenet that draws me. individuality and personal achievement are huge parts of who i am and what motivates me. that is why i will never fully be able to support a liberal agenda or socialist ideas. in a sense, it punishes these things. it is an entirely different sort of greed than that which turns me off of libertarianism, but it is greed none the less. anyways, we need to build an environment that encourages the best out of everyone. blanket ideals will not achieve this. i mean, i can't find any way to bring multi-nationalism and hardcore federalist policies in line with a truly open collaboration between individuals. it is going to take a radical scaling back of society. i mean, not so much a scaling back, as in a return to people working on the scale of communities and neighborhoods instead of nations and continents. rules and ideas scaled to meet the needs of the people directly effected, instead of one set of standardized edicts to dictate what is best for everyone, everywhere. i guess what i am thinking is more of a return to states and city-states that are allowed to run themselves, instead of faceless, bloated committees and departments. lets take the training wheels off and let things roll.

let the people exert effort for their own benefit instead of someone elses. give people the freedom to utilize their passion and ideas easily, without undue hindrance from government. give people the privacy and security they need to let their minds work without fear of unseen retribution. we can absorb a little more anarchy. we have flexible, adaptable minds with highly developed problem solving abilities that are being wasted. roll everything back. stop the morass. simplify, and see what grows. just give us a chance to do something, because right now it seems like it is way too easy to get shoehorned into a little existence that sustains itself (barely) without effort, but also without reward or satisfaction. and so, we are all marginalized, and i still don't know how to break away from that.

frivved up by Ben at 8:17 AM

so worked up, my own language skills fly out the window in a jumble of typos and improper tenses. sometimes i wish i let myself edit these things to avoid looking a fool

frivved up by Ben at 12:00 PM

language, alright, i like this, this is fun. i was sitting there yesterday, and i completely forgot my original point i was thinking about making, so it turned into an open apology. you know, that cracks me up. it is almost sweet, in a mock-sincere way.

but anyways, lets brush on the death of language. it feels like proper english is going by the wayside, which is just stupid. it is so fucking lazy. i mean sure, you are text messaging, you have the gimpy 160 characters the shylock phone companies give you, so you need to pare things down. sure. but why the hell does this bleed over into other things? when you are writing something, is it really that much harder to form complete sentences? screw that. just because i am obstinate, i try to use my full vocabulary when i am texting. i like to believe it is a nice change of pace for some people. i mean you are used to how r u? idk lol. i mean, most texting seems to dumb language down to the point that people aren't even saying anything. there isn't even conversation, it is just a way to kill time. so there i am, full words, actually saying something pertinent. it has to be sort of nice, in a way. that;s the way i think about it. that, and it hurts my brain to dumb down language.

in the coming years, it will be interesting to see what happens to language. i imagine it is going to give me a distinct advantage. people are still going to need to communicate succinctly. that is the whole point of proper vocabulary and grammar to me, why i dink around so much. the more words i know, and the easier it is to string together correctly, the more efficiently i can convey my ideas. we are going to have generations of kids who will be able to type very fast, but when they are forced to actually make a point, they will spew out circuitous, rambling, nonsense as they struggle with the language they have spent their childhoods lazily bastardizing. this isn't about slacking at school, this is about straight communication skills. this is about knowing how to talk, and use words to convey your meaning. i imagine it will garner a certain amount of respect, and possibly intimidate some people. it is funny to thing something more idiotic than intimidating someone with basic fucking grammar, but it feels like we are headed in that direction.

gah, this gets me worked up. why wouldn't you want to get better at language? i mean, you can talk, you learn that when you are a baby. it is something ingrained into your mind. all you have to do to improve is try to use it properly. i don't think i sound stuck up or snooty, i think i sound well thought out and genuine. it gives my opinions a strength of their own, to other people, when i form them with the words that correctly conveys my meaning. see, here, i just used that word for the second time, and that pisses me off. blah, BLAH, blblblblblb. just thinking about this gets me out of sorts. i am rambling and resorting to gibberish. i need to go

do me a favor, and work on your language skills. it will help keep you in the main species, instead of the devolving subset that is forming at the periphery.

frivved up by Ben at 11:39 AM

alright, i am feeling better about it. i reread that, and it is fine. i still don't like the word deception, but it wasn't the overriding theme, so it gets a pass. i'm watching it though...

alright, what now. what do we want here. i think we've squashed dance. i mean, i could probably pull hours worth of colorful banter out of that analogy, but that is all it would be. ryan is over there trilling his pan flute along with the music, so i'll leave that to his expert timing.

he skipped right over language though, lucky. i just had a nice meatball floated right up there. one of our favorite topics seems to be languages inability to express our exact feelings. we say that, but what we really mean is our minds recollection of the language we are working with is lacking. language gets a bad rap. it is a cop out. a petulant barb directed toward the father of our mind. because there is a way to express exactly what we are feeling. just because we can't find the words at that moment doesn't mean we can't or won't. it is really astonishing exactly how much we can put into language. the nuance, the subtlety, the innuendo, all of those layers we can pile on. the fact that simply putting an idea into words can cause it to evolve and grow, that the simple rules of language can reveal truths you hadn't noticed before.

i am a big fan of language. i am fascinated by the fact that each person has their own completely different interpretation of it, despite using the same words. education can only do so much for you, real understanding comes when you can feel whether the words and grammar are correct. when you discern right and wrong by saying it aloud and judging its character. that is why i love language. i almost feel like i am creating my own rules. like i have created my own whole little dialect here. just like some people love to listen to their own voice, i love to read my own writing. it captivates me, and it is supposed to be narrated in my voice. so, we give language a bad rap. language is bigger than any of us, it supercedes anything we might have to say about it.

man, i am feeling very guilty right now, and very grateful. i owe you a debt of gratitude, words. you stuck with me, even when i badmouthed you. you must see something in me, because you still lend me your power. you could have dropped me years ago, cut me off from the source. but no, you stuck with me. you slowly revealed more and more as i was ready. and now, i have finally reached linguistic consciousness. i feel one step closer to enlightenment.

i always regretted some of my class choices in college. i tried to slam myself into a little box by only taking math, science and programming courses. i was so sure of myself back then. one of my biggest regrets in hindsight is never taking a course on linguistics or etymology. those would probably be fascinating classes. i could even see it becoming a focus of study, if everything fell right. i mean, you can never really know about these things just theorizing, but when i finally drift back into school it is definitely worth my 5 credits.

i just spaced out for about 3 minutes picking at my fingernail. i think that may be a sign...

frivved up by Ben at 1:16 PM

kumatai, kumatai!

where were we. nonverbal cues, deviancy, and social jazz, i believe. social jazz has a nice ring to it, but i am not sure exactly where to go with it. i am not quite ballin enough, socially, to fully swing. so, what exactly does social jazz entail? improvisation, intuitive collaboration, soul, all elements of jazz we can probably transpose here. look, see, i even threw the whole intuitive thing in front of collaboration to loosely tie things back together! i am running with this shit.

it is hard to find an analogous way to tie music creation into social interaction though. love, sure, but that is a whole completely separate offshoot of the social panorama. eventually, i admit, this whole string will be leading there, but i'm not sure i have the bearing i need to delve into that yet. there is still context to build. important context. the love will still be there whether i understand it or not, that is the nice thing. it is not something you can easily analyze or control. it happens, and you either run with it or you don't. if you force it, it disappears. if you don't nurture it, it disappears. if you let it have its way, it completely takes over. anyways, thinking about social interactions in terms of making music puts too much pressure on the thing. some conversation may take on certain compositional aspects, but that is more the exception than the rule. no, the relationship most of us have with music deals with the feelings it gives us, not the creation itself. the musical comparative would be more dance than composition. moving with the rhythm of the people around you. that feels more fitting, in my opinion, at least for our purposes here.

so, we end up with the dance between two people. we touched on this a few times yesterday. you can't give up everything right away. you can't just walk up to someone and spell out your full intentions immediately. it will be overwhelming and awkward. and so you dance around it. you allude, you hint, you make certain things painfully obvious without saying them, while hiding some things that should be obvious to keep the feeling of spontaneous discovery alive. there is an element of deception, sure, but i don't feel malicious about the idea, for some reason. usually deception has a negative connotation. it should never be a necessity, that seems like a false justification to absolves oneself of wrong doing. maybe deception is the wrong way. maybe sleight of hand? misdirection, as to not frighten a fledgling emotion? a way to prolong a campaign to keep things moving at a comfortable pace? i don't know. it is wandering a fine line. maybe that explains the volatility between people. you never quite know how much is too much, you know what i am saying?

anyways, controlling the flow of information, as to not overwhelm the other party. that is what i am alluding too. this may take a certain playful form, because we are after all playful creatures. we are monkeys, and we like playing games. we like to walk up behind you and pull your tail, then run away with our hands above our heads laughing hysterically. for some reason, deception or not, this give and take is necessary. there has to be a game. every time we meet someone new, the game begins. i know nothing about this person. what can i find out about them without talking to them? when i do talk to them, what can i pull out of the inevitable platitudes of the opening salvo? will we have an instant repore, or will a connection build gradually? is there a connection in the first place? there is always a connection. that is what our minds do, they build connections. they find patterns where there are non to try and predict the game. there is always a game, and this is not always a bad thing. the game serves to capture interest, and the more curiosity, the more we will revisit that personal connection. and the more we revisit, the more pieces fall into place. and soon, we know each other, and trying to hide things becomes a waste of time. the competition loses some of its necessity once that comfort builds and the interest still remains. these connections are rare, the ones that survive past the point of being satiated by idle chatter. the ones that naturally force out information. the game is still alive, but it takes stealth and premeditation. tiny victories take foresight and effort, which makes them all the more satisfying. subtlety takes over, hiding amidst honesty and uninhibited interaction. there is always more to know and understand. that playful atmosphere should never really disappear. the loss of that spark isn't a sign that there is no more to know, it is a sign of lost interest, and that is no good.

and so we dance. the steps are awkward at first, but that is unimportant if your move in concert with your partner.

i am not really sure where i was going with this. i'll have to reread all that, it seems somewhat jumbled. there are probably golden nuggets of wisdom shooting out of there at light speed, but they haven't quite registered on my equipment yet.

if anything, i feel more confused now than when i started. i didn't have a point i was trying to make anyways, so i may as well just roll with it.

frivved up by Ben at 1:11 PM

alright, so i've got the bug. or want to get the bug. i need to find some seedy hooker to give my brain a quick rubdown.

i believe my little tryst this morning ended up circling around communication, so lets start there. we ended up dancing around nonverbal communication, and its effect on the context your words are given. so lets try and pick up with that again.

weirdness, creepiness, oddness, whatever you want to call it. usually very rarely associated with the words themselves. even some of the creepiest things you can say are only creepy because you don't give them any subtext, and on their own they are just unfathomable. there is really no way to avoid looking weird to other people. sometimes it just happen and goes unnoticed until it is too late. i mean, for me, it is usually just my presence that is the weird thing, usually in combination with a lack of talking. you get that blank stare, as both people are looking at each other expectantly, waiting for something to happen. and when it doesn't, and their is no reaction, things get weird. i guess i have a sort of sensitivity that immediately assigns that weirdness to myself. until right now as i was writing this, i never really thought about the fact that the other person is probably sitting there at the same time thinking "i wonder if i look weird right now in this awkward moment?" anyways, once that moment hits, i haven't really found a whole lot to fix the situation. if there was conversation to be had, it probably would still be flowing. sometimes i think the best way to diffuse the situation is to shrug and walk away, allow the weirdness to dissipate. it seems rude, but oh well. better rude than weird i guess. you can't be a model of politeness anyways. if tried to act properly in every aspect of your life, you would never laugh at a joke, you would never feel a rush of adrenaline, you would never get laid. that wouldn't be the greatest existence.

anyways, i lost my train of thought there thinking about sex. oh well. nonverbal communication i believe it was. this is a hard thing to really conceptualize for me. neutrality comes pretty naturally to me. i think i have spent too much time sitting there wondering why people are looking at me, trying to figure out why i am so weird when it isn't really that, they are just trying to pick up on something, any sort of cue from me to try and get a grasp of where i am coming from. that sort of mystery can have its advantages too, but it isn't really something you can rely on or plan for. contrived mystery just seems like social manipulation to me. bullshit hiding behind other bullshit to make itself look better by comparison. no, enforced neutrality isn't the way to go. it is no way to avoid awkwardness, it breeds it instead. people don't really care. they just want hints into what you are thinking, a little window into your minds so they can satisfy their voyeuristic tendencies. you can say pretty much anything you want, and as long as they can pick up some sort of genuine emotion driving the idea, they won't really care. that is, unless it is too deviant, and even then only when it is so unavoidably direct that it forces them to deal with it. people are more than happy to use the gray areas of innuendo to avoid things they don't feel like dealing with. i swear, some people get off on that shit, flirting with deviancy while never allowing themselves to fully register an impure thought.

ah well, anyways, say whatever you want. most people aren't fully listening anyways, they are just hunting for nonverbal context to cheat their way through social interaction. which is fine. it is actually pretty liberating. it makes this social interaction so much easier to wade through. for the most part i don't really care about searching for the exact words i need anymore, unless i am really trying to convey a specific idea to someone. most of the time, the gist of what i want to say comes out anyways, and that is a good starting point for any conversation. i mean, really, if we never had to explain ourselves, how would we sustain a dialogue? every interaction you have would follow the same formula. person a: "this, with no room for interpretation." person b: "i agree/disagree." and then you are pretty much done. that is no fun.

so yeah, there is something very frustrating to me about not being able to tell someone what i mean. this is true, and will always kind of bug me. unless i somehow develop a knack for brilliant oration, this frustration will always be there. but that is ok. it can actually be very fun saying less than you mean, and leave things open to people's interpretation. i wish i could say i always do this on purpose, but i don't. sometimes, it is because i just don't know how to clarify, or exactly where i was going with something, but the point still remains. it is a very powerful communicative tool, i think, forcing someone to read your nonverbal context to figure out exactly what you meant. i am a naturally mischievous person, so sometimes i will do this on purpose, so i can see the contented look as the pieces fall into place when i finally do expand that thought at a later point in the conversation. isn't that why most people stay in a conversation, to figure out what is going on in someone else's head? yeah, sometimes you are in a conversation just so you can tell someone what you know, but that goes back to our little persons a/b scenario. if that is your only goal behind communication, why bother? why should someone even try to care? it is so much more fun figuring things out in tandem, or at the very least, leading someone to a conclusion in their own mind, instead of just plopping it down in front of them and expecting it to be meaningful to them, devoid of the proper context.

maybe that is the sign of a truly gifted conversationalist, being able to uphold your side of the conversation without ever saying anything. what do they say about jazz, sometimes it is about the notes you don't play, not the ones you do?

frivved up by Ben at 1:46 PM

oh my. oh my oh my. strange things are afoot at the circle k.

this poor, neglected webspace. once a bastion of unnecessary turns of grammar and vocabulary, now relegated to sit silently, waiting for token updates that constitute lip service at best. and why? i don't even know. for two years i have been taking a sabbatical from thought. considering directly before that i took a sabbatical from everything else to immerse myself solely in thought, something seems to be out of whack. i mean, it is hard to call those two little periods anything but polar opposites. which means balance. i'm not saying i can go back to that, be it self-dissectio, or the fanatical chronicling of the mundane. but it always served a very important purpose. it kept me from flying off the handle, kept things a little more centralized and focused, instead of erratic and reactionary. so, in the interest of the blog itself, i break the number one rule of blogging: never blog about your blog. i admit it, it was a sneaky ploy to get words on the page, to get the dialogue going.

so what has been happening instead? it has forced me to put a spotlight my speaking and conversational abilities, as that has become my main outlet. i feel very accomplished in that regard. i can hold up my end in pretty much any situation, which is a good thing. i will never exactly be gifted in this aspect, not like i am here, but i don't think of myself as stunted anymore. i am still prone to letting my internal monologue drown out the whole reality portion of things, but it is no longer so pronounced enough to become an issue. will my oral communication skills ever match up to the words i can put on a page? most definitely not, but there were never any illusions in that area.

hmm. there we go. there, we have found the point, right there. the practical side of the balance i was alluding too in general terms. ignore the social aspect, and you lose the ability to communicate ideas to other people. but, ignore the introspective aspect, and you lose the ability to form ideas and structure them in a way that can be communicated to other people, leaving conversation as an empty string of words propelled forward solely by non-verbal cues. so the idea to implant into our subconscious today is there. using introspective thought (illustrated here as a written outpouring of ideas) and social connection (illustrated here as interpersonal communication, ideally face-to-face) to compliment each other and enhance both the formulation of new ideas and thought processes and the ability to communicate them wholly to other people.

the words themselves are only one part. there is the intention behind the words that needs to be communicated as well, otherwise the idea is lost in a teacher-from-peanuts type drone. and nonverbal cues are such an invaluable way to transmit this intention. i think that may be what is so engaging about my writing. i write as if i am trying to communicate fully to something else. i write for myself, but not too myself. i am trying to sell this screen on what i am saying. somehow i think i manage to splice a separate layer of subtext into the words themselves that simulates nonverbal communication. it is all about conveying the structure of the thought process, not simply the thought itself. instead of just telling someone something and expecting them to understand, first insert them into the flow of information that leads natural towards that eventual something so they can piece it together with you while you are telling them.

i think that may be the best i have ever been able to describe that idea, inserting them into the flow of thought. it is what gives me brief flashes of intuition. i am not saying i am naturally intuitive, or even consistently for that matter, but there is no denying that sometimes when you talk to me, i can pick up immediately on what you are saying, and run right through it with you. because sometimes i pluck that original thread of thought out of the beginning of the conversation, and try in my own mind to follow it to a natural conclusion while you are trying to explain the idea you have already worked out for yourself before me. i guess that is what i try to do, a lot of times at least. put you on the boat right next to me.

well, i just ran out of steam, and i need to go to work. i'm not going to say i'll be back this time, but i hope too. i think i may have hit on something i hadn't before, and it reminds me of why this place was and is so important to me.

frivved up by Ben at 1:13 AM