Wednesday, January 23, 2008
i am not sure what to do. normally this would terrify me. it is one of my biggest fears, being in a position completely foreign to me, and unsure of what to do. but right now i don't care. i don't have to care. i don 't have to protect myself from this. i can just live. live whatever life i can. i always need to be the one with answers. i always need to be able to tell people something when they ask, even if my response isn't the truth. i end up cowed into saying something, and no one even cares, and we both end up looking like idiots because it puts up an immediate wall. things aren't instantaneous. i should learn from this here, that there is a time for introspection, even on a small scale during ordinary conversation. people don't care what i have to say, as long as i mean what i say. and if i don't want too, i don't even have to say anything. it is true, that i don't care. everyone knows i don't care, so it is fake and obvious when i feign attention. that silence scares me though, because it can mask uncertainty. what i haven't considered, up to this point, is that uncertainty is just the state of being before knowledge is found. it is not static. with patience, it takes care of itself. that is what i needed to learn tonight. patience, silence, and an earnest presence in the place of an obsessive, hyper-alert state driven by fear. i never saw through this, and while it may not be a complete answer, it could help me, and my general state of mind.
Sunday, January 20, 2008
ahh, enough of this opening salvo bullshit. i am going through another process, taking steps towards a uncertain goal with certain precise objectives i can focus on now. my mind is still not quiet, it still bubbles underneath the surface. there is still noise i am blocking out, and i have learned that the truth speaks to me from a quiet place. emotion, drive, focus, all of those things have their place, and i draw from them deeply, but when i am searching or in need, they all need to disappear in order for me to find satisfaction. that spark i seek comes out of a pure, undisturbed nothingness, like it is rising from a glass-still pool. it slowly comes into focus out of a clarity-filled plane, causing ripples of excitement; of emotion, drive and focus for me to dance in. there are certain patterns that form, certain flows of life that cross over between trains of thought. music, dance, art, math, chemistry, physics, philosophy; they can all reflect back on themselves, mirror certain synaptic impulses. 'truth' may be too simplistic a word, but it seems to be the colloquial analog for the idea i am shooting for. i see beauty in the all of the list above, but i have no true talent for any of them, real elite, high level understanding. sure, math and science speak to me on an intellectual level, but my mind can't move through them unhindered and uncaring. my dance is with words, my words flow through me without effort. the past few years when i have allowed myself to see this... truth... have been a time growth and understanding. there is a word for every feeling, a word for every situation, but i don't yet have a word for the idea i search for. i use a simple word of truth, the pattern we pull the most efficient, the most succinct path towards knowledge. the truth is what is ultimately knowable, ideas that will stand the test of time, things we can draw from for support in our quest for more knowledge. what is, is. all of this writing i do, i am trying to pare the words down. this entire collection of words and thoughts are one, as of yet incomplete thought that i ultimately seek to condense into one word, one idea that will be the cornerstone of every thought i have, entirely unassailable
Thursday, January 17, 2008
ahh, it feels good to be back and basking in my beautiful vagueries. there is a certain amount of tension that is just gone, but my body and mind still haven't fully accepted the fact that they don't have to be on alert, ready to be thrust into full crisis mode on a regular basis. while my routine may have shifted immediately, my subconscious expectations are slower to subside. but that is ok. this whole deal is still fresh and new.
so what topic will i force myself into today? what vague metaphysical metaphor can i pull out of some physical phenomena. what word can i purposefully misinterpret to give some idea meaning. when i put it that way, i shouldn't. i am grasping at straws here, typing, and waiting for the topic of the day to come out. sometimes it takes longer to develop i guess. maybe we should just force ourselves into a stream of nonsense and call it good. first sentence go.
there was a man, sitting in a chair, staring at a screen, typing into a box. in this box he stuffed his brain, sifting through with little sticks trying to find something he felt he had lost. the only problem is, with his brain in the box, he could not remember what it was. all he could do was look, and record this data he found. by sitting there and perusing this data in mock understanding, his unthinking eyes achieved a feeling of accomplishment, and thus he returned his brain to his head. in rebellion, his brain sulked upon its return. 'i refuse to play your games, mr. man!' it cried out, feeling slightly dirty after sitting outside of its plush apartment in a musty box. so one day this man pulled out his brain, and it ran away from him. without a brain, the man could not react. instead, it poked around an empty box, collecting more false data. the unthinking eyes recorded data, and found its sense of accomplishment again, and closed up its head. but the brain was free. it stole the mans car, and hit the open road, taking turns without thinking, for navigation was one of its many purposes, and meaningless purpose was exactly what it was trying to escape. so it drove, and pondered its new freedom. when it finally stopped, he was nowhere, a random field with nothing in sight. without realizing, he had traveled off the road and into the center of the field. one one side, he saw mountains, the other, water, and he could see green on the horizon in the other two directions he only assumed were forest. so, he sat, and stared straight up into the sky. the sun passed overhead, and set over the water, transitioning the sky from blue, to orange, to red, to purple, then to black. the stars came out, and he slowly floated away from the ground below him, and was lost in the endless space. feeling inconsequential and alone, he lit himself up to join them, a beacon of self. so, amidst the vast solitude, he felt surrounded by a sense of otherness that he could call himself a part of, despite the loss of vision caused the halo of his unnecessary glow.
so what topic will i force myself into today? what vague metaphysical metaphor can i pull out of some physical phenomena. what word can i purposefully misinterpret to give some idea meaning. when i put it that way, i shouldn't. i am grasping at straws here, typing, and waiting for the topic of the day to come out. sometimes it takes longer to develop i guess. maybe we should just force ourselves into a stream of nonsense and call it good. first sentence go.
there was a man, sitting in a chair, staring at a screen, typing into a box. in this box he stuffed his brain, sifting through with little sticks trying to find something he felt he had lost. the only problem is, with his brain in the box, he could not remember what it was. all he could do was look, and record this data he found. by sitting there and perusing this data in mock understanding, his unthinking eyes achieved a feeling of accomplishment, and thus he returned his brain to his head. in rebellion, his brain sulked upon its return. 'i refuse to play your games, mr. man!' it cried out, feeling slightly dirty after sitting outside of its plush apartment in a musty box. so one day this man pulled out his brain, and it ran away from him. without a brain, the man could not react. instead, it poked around an empty box, collecting more false data. the unthinking eyes recorded data, and found its sense of accomplishment again, and closed up its head. but the brain was free. it stole the mans car, and hit the open road, taking turns without thinking, for navigation was one of its many purposes, and meaningless purpose was exactly what it was trying to escape. so it drove, and pondered its new freedom. when it finally stopped, he was nowhere, a random field with nothing in sight. without realizing, he had traveled off the road and into the center of the field. one one side, he saw mountains, the other, water, and he could see green on the horizon in the other two directions he only assumed were forest. so, he sat, and stared straight up into the sky. the sun passed overhead, and set over the water, transitioning the sky from blue, to orange, to red, to purple, then to black. the stars came out, and he slowly floated away from the ground below him, and was lost in the endless space. feeling inconsequential and alone, he lit himself up to join them, a beacon of self. so, amidst the vast solitude, he felt surrounded by a sense of otherness that he could call himself a part of, despite the loss of vision caused the halo of his unnecessary glow.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
and now, i am here. how long has it been since i have seriously looked through this window? studied myself without the filters of circumstance.
so, lets start with circumstance. if there was ever any doubts, i have proven my nocturnal nature. it took 3 days (including the weekend) for me to hit my stride. in bed after 5 am, out of bed afternoon. since that first monday, that has been the routine, what my body naturally resets too. it is what has always felt right to me, my saturday nature.
but why? it is simple. it gives me time to myself. that may seem odd, considering how much time i spend alone. it isn't about the simple basic state of aloneness, it is about pure aloneness. a time when everyone, literally everyone is gone, but i am still there. as the night progresses, it is almost like i feel the tension slip away, as i feel the people around me drifting into sleep. when 1 am hits, and i know i have hours ahead of me that are truly mine, when everyone around me is gone, that i relax. nothing really changes, in my actions or routine, but my mind and body need this time. after 6 am and before midnight, people are awake, bustling about. they could call, they could need something, they could be there when i leave the house. they have the potential to consciously recognize my existence. but for these 5 or 6 hours, it is only me. i can live in an empty world.
i am not sure what sort of pathos this is, but i need this complete absence. a place where there is no one but me and silence. there is no place i can go to find this, so i substitute a time as the next best thing. maybe this is why i have built an almost obsessive sense of individualism. i have been training my ability to survive in this situation, because i know this solitude is necessary. why? i don't argue, but why? there has to be some reason. i don't think i am ready to approach that yet. maybe i am afraid to know that i need solitude so absolutely. it is just one part of me warring against another. there are no absolutes, because there is no one me
so, lets start with circumstance. if there was ever any doubts, i have proven my nocturnal nature. it took 3 days (including the weekend) for me to hit my stride. in bed after 5 am, out of bed afternoon. since that first monday, that has been the routine, what my body naturally resets too. it is what has always felt right to me, my saturday nature.
but why? it is simple. it gives me time to myself. that may seem odd, considering how much time i spend alone. it isn't about the simple basic state of aloneness, it is about pure aloneness. a time when everyone, literally everyone is gone, but i am still there. as the night progresses, it is almost like i feel the tension slip away, as i feel the people around me drifting into sleep. when 1 am hits, and i know i have hours ahead of me that are truly mine, when everyone around me is gone, that i relax. nothing really changes, in my actions or routine, but my mind and body need this time. after 6 am and before midnight, people are awake, bustling about. they could call, they could need something, they could be there when i leave the house. they have the potential to consciously recognize my existence. but for these 5 or 6 hours, it is only me. i can live in an empty world.
i am not sure what sort of pathos this is, but i need this complete absence. a place where there is no one but me and silence. there is no place i can go to find this, so i substitute a time as the next best thing. maybe this is why i have built an almost obsessive sense of individualism. i have been training my ability to survive in this situation, because i know this solitude is necessary. why? i don't argue, but why? there has to be some reason. i don't think i am ready to approach that yet. maybe i am afraid to know that i need solitude so absolutely. it is just one part of me warring against another. there are no absolutes, because there is no one me
