Saturday, December 15, 2007
there was a boy
who stayed at home
he didn't post
or answer the phone
he's hit with aaaaaaapathy
(la la la laa laa la la)
the evolution of a blog is a funny thing. to begin with, it was basically a long list of complaints, spiked with mundane tidbits about what happened that day, the standard blog idiocy. slowly things began to change. it started including analysis of these events, and patterns and ideas started to form. soon it became a sort of external outlet for the underlying philosophy that drove my mind. sometimes a biting commentary on myself with its simple, straightforward observations. which sparked change. now, it is a chronicle of that change, my quest for progress.
sometimes, though, there is no movement. i am caught in sort of solitary confinement of my own making. i become a living testament to nothing. it is what i do to stave off my old need to needless attack and dissemble myself. i wouldn't say it is exactly a positive thing, unless you consider it in the context of what it replaced, which was decidedly negative. it is more an absolute neutral. it is where i go when progress has seemingly stalled.
i guess it is really a mode of preparation. whenever i need to make large alterations, i come back here. i guess you could call it a form of procrastination, a way to shy away from the inevitable until the day arrives. i have made up my mind. i know what i am going to do, and what is going to happen. i can't see very far into the future after that though, it is kind of a strange position for me, but i don't really fear it, since the decision has been made. i have a slew of options before me when the future i see as a certainty ends. that is where the next major fork lies, and there are many ways to go from there. that is what my mind does in the throes of complacency, looks for other options. it sifts through them and weighs them against each other so when the time comes, i can make my decisions effortlessly.
there are a few certainties in my life now, tumors that need to be removed to continue moving forward. i could go through my complaints, but i hate that, it just gives those tumors power over me. i can live with them until i am ready to go on without them, but their invasiveness been decided, so everything else is moot. they are ignored, when possible, and humored when necessary. their presence will not be missed, and life without them will be an immediate improvement despite their advantages.
so there we are. there hasn't been anything to say. would you really want me to catalog my breathing? i don't want to hear about the inconsequential bits of my life
