Thursday, July 26, 2007
seahawks seahawks seahawks!! i hope you just saw what i saw drop onto the waver wire. you have been staying quiet lately, and i know you are under the cap, because you have been waiting for something like this. You have been keeping around some cash in case someone like Simeon Rice was made available. do it. do it! right now we only have 4 ends on the team, and only two of them have experience. if there is anywhere that could use some depth on the defensive side of the ball, it is at de. do it. sign him. bryce fisher has been fading since we got him, and is a consumate team player. there is no one else in the league i would rather have darryl tapp and baraka atkins trying to emulate than rice. when he isn't hurt, he is dominant. if he is healthy, he adds 10 sacks easy to our tepid pass rush. come on, i know you saw it. i know you can make $7 mil in cap room if you need to for this season. get rid of russell davis who sucks, and shouldn't make the tackle rotation anyways. you are going to break camp with 10 guys on the line again anyways, so just do it already.
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
oh, watch me shy away from everything. i am at a funny little phase where i have no answers. i am complacently skipping along the surface of things, barely dipping into the world. my focus is diverted elsewhere. my mind is constantly somewhere else, and not even the people around me can hold my attention. i am wandering aimlessly through the quiet meadow i set down in, somewhat at peace. there is still a nagging feeling, a whisper tugging at me no matter what direction i face, calling back to me, trying to draw me towards it and back towards everything else. but i have found a few moments of peace, and i savor them. i brush these distant consequences away, and meander on with my head turned towards the sky. it is my old habits trying to squash my new ideals, but never quite successful. my new routines are still clinging, unable to be completely shaken. their foothold is tenuous, but the incumbency is not absolute. so, that is something, at least. before my muscles and ideas completely atrophy, we maintain those gains we can still boast at this point, and notice the way they seamlessly fit a painstakingly slow but steady march towards progress into the fabric of my standard, unthinking state of being. and once that happens, we let evolution play out. those things that are meant to survive, will. those things that play a vital role and give my mind the edge over its previous version will survive along with those things that i already can't live without. it is the way of me. everything needs to be forgotten and relearned, until it is so ingrained into my soul that it is completely a part of me, without detriment. and so i flit to something else, until i am reminded once again.
but anyways, i was random led to this website by fark, a couple of clicks removed. it was some 3 hour long nova special about the string theory, and it attempts to combine quantum physics and general relativity. i think it was called the elegant universe, or something like that. it would have made for a great week of tv watching in science class if i was still in high school. it reminded me of learning about the grand unification theory in chem, our first introduction to bosons, and how idealistic such an idea sounded. we watched a similar sort of movie, but it didn't have the answers yet, just an inkling that someday there would be a way to explain the electromagnetic/strong/weak phenomena of the very small and the gravity of the very large with equations and theories that didn't descend into madness and anomaly when you try to scale them up or down. i don't care if the string theory is the real deal, it is just fun. i honestly don't really know too much about it, i am still at the phase of randomly scouring the internet for information. the thing that is so enticing to me is the ideas that it sends my mind off on.
i was thinking about this, spacing out while watching. my mind doesn't learn from other people. i think this is why i rebelled so much against being taught in college. my mind doesn't learn by being told. my mind learns by being shown a basic idea, then extrapolating the rest. the great teachers i had, they were so great because they were like-minded people. they broke down information in very much the same way i did, and they presented it in a simple and logical way that allowed me to put the pieces together myself. i was at my best when i wasn't writing notes or even paying attention, because my mind was creating my own personal lecture, creating the lesson along with the teacher until i hit a wall and had to snap back to focus and wait for the answer to be presented, hopefully before it all slipped away. that is the whole answer. my mind will not accept something until it has arrived to that conclusion on its own. it does not see it as valid. i have to work things out on my own, or i will disregard it as secondary. you can't simply tell me something. you have to show me why, or better yet, lead me towards the why. if you tell me an answer, my mind will find a way for the answer to be true, whether the process was right or not. and if i can't find a way to calculate it, i will consider that answer wrong, along with everything related too it.
and that is what i have been playing with. working off basic assumptions about 11 dimensional realities, membranes, and alternate universes, and trying to assimilate them into my own theory. at this point, the less i know is almost better. it is more entertaining. last night, laying on my bed i think i visualized 6 dimensions, although i couldn't really explain it now. my favorite part is the idea of membranes. i like to think of it in similar terms as planes of thought achieved through meditation, layers of the world you can pass through if you align yourself to the right state. theoretically, you could pass through solid matter if you aligned the atoms in your body correctly, so it seems feasible. they were talking about how the big bang may have been caused by two membranes simply touching, and that causing a huge jolt of energy that shot out and turned into our universe. i think that is a flawed idea. if membranes are really shifting, and can actually come close enough to each other to touch, i don't think it would be such an isolated incident as that. i think these membranes must be able to shift along each other, while still being able to effect each other. so i think the base idea is right, that the big bang was caused when some other membrane touched ours at a single point, and the energy from that exploded out in the model we are all familiar with, but i think that energy came from somewhere. a simple happenstance collision seems too commonplace to cause such a reaction. i think something cataclysmic happened in the realm of the other membrane. it is possible that our membrane was even attacked, or it was collateral damage in some higher dimensional battle. something huge focused that energy on the plane of our universe, or on the plane of their membrane, which caused their membrane to collide with ours and create the equal and opposite reaction we call the big bang. maybe it was something as simple as some other universe retracting and collapsing into ours, giving life to ours in its death. this whole membrane thing is great. i don't know what the full idea is even supposed to be, but i like to think of it as one string filled with so much energy that it expands to encompass all of these other strings, that end up resonating with its magnificence. i like to think about adding dimensions. the whole idea of a membrane implies a sheet, some sort of two dimensional object flexing into three dimensional space. this even goes along with einstien's models of space built in general relativity, a sort of two dimensional grid that ripples in waves. but that doesn't make sense. we can already as humans visualize more dimensions than that implies, and that doesn't even touch the dimensions we can't yet grasp. i like to see us floating on that membrane, like we are floating on water, on one slice of reality, the whole expanse of sky above us, and sea below us. i like to see that membrane as a slice of what we can sense, and pull myself to the edge of it, and try to manipulate it myself, to send waves of influence out into the world beyond me, with the eventual and obvious goal of being able to travel away from it, either by following one of the infinite membranes this one slice of space we exist on implies, or by simply freeing myself of it entirely and traveling unhindered. that would require an understanding of more dimensions than i currently have, i am afraid. so, i am content now to drift to the edge of my current container, and try to pull the edge of another container too me.
there is a certain symmetry to the string theory that attracts me. i think i am even more attracted to the fact that it can't yet be proven. it is truly the frontier. it is beyond what we can comprehend at this point, so we are just being shown glimpses of something new that is answering questions we couldn't before. it will certainly change, and in large degrees (if it is even on the right track at all) before it will even be recognized as anything factual, but there is an undeniable appeal. as a very theoretical person, it sucks me in. it resonates with, if you will. i can read, and the more i do, the more it seems right. the more portions of it are disproven, and replaced with better answers, the stronger a foothold it gains with me. it seems so simple, it makes me feel like a genius. there is so much ground that hasn't been covered, that i can swim around and feel like i am in uncharted territory, basking in pure theory without anything to draw me back. i feel like i can let my thoughts run wild, without detriment to the laws of physics or myself.
within seconds of writing that last sentence, my album ended, and my 15 gig complete futurama torrent finished. it is a sign that i need to finish this blog and go do something else, like watch futurama
but anyways, i was random led to this website by fark, a couple of clicks removed. it was some 3 hour long nova special about the string theory, and it attempts to combine quantum physics and general relativity. i think it was called the elegant universe, or something like that. it would have made for a great week of tv watching in science class if i was still in high school. it reminded me of learning about the grand unification theory in chem, our first introduction to bosons, and how idealistic such an idea sounded. we watched a similar sort of movie, but it didn't have the answers yet, just an inkling that someday there would be a way to explain the electromagnetic/strong/weak phenomena of the very small and the gravity of the very large with equations and theories that didn't descend into madness and anomaly when you try to scale them up or down. i don't care if the string theory is the real deal, it is just fun. i honestly don't really know too much about it, i am still at the phase of randomly scouring the internet for information. the thing that is so enticing to me is the ideas that it sends my mind off on.
i was thinking about this, spacing out while watching. my mind doesn't learn from other people. i think this is why i rebelled so much against being taught in college. my mind doesn't learn by being told. my mind learns by being shown a basic idea, then extrapolating the rest. the great teachers i had, they were so great because they were like-minded people. they broke down information in very much the same way i did, and they presented it in a simple and logical way that allowed me to put the pieces together myself. i was at my best when i wasn't writing notes or even paying attention, because my mind was creating my own personal lecture, creating the lesson along with the teacher until i hit a wall and had to snap back to focus and wait for the answer to be presented, hopefully before it all slipped away. that is the whole answer. my mind will not accept something until it has arrived to that conclusion on its own. it does not see it as valid. i have to work things out on my own, or i will disregard it as secondary. you can't simply tell me something. you have to show me why, or better yet, lead me towards the why. if you tell me an answer, my mind will find a way for the answer to be true, whether the process was right or not. and if i can't find a way to calculate it, i will consider that answer wrong, along with everything related too it.
and that is what i have been playing with. working off basic assumptions about 11 dimensional realities, membranes, and alternate universes, and trying to assimilate them into my own theory. at this point, the less i know is almost better. it is more entertaining. last night, laying on my bed i think i visualized 6 dimensions, although i couldn't really explain it now. my favorite part is the idea of membranes. i like to think of it in similar terms as planes of thought achieved through meditation, layers of the world you can pass through if you align yourself to the right state. theoretically, you could pass through solid matter if you aligned the atoms in your body correctly, so it seems feasible. they were talking about how the big bang may have been caused by two membranes simply touching, and that causing a huge jolt of energy that shot out and turned into our universe. i think that is a flawed idea. if membranes are really shifting, and can actually come close enough to each other to touch, i don't think it would be such an isolated incident as that. i think these membranes must be able to shift along each other, while still being able to effect each other. so i think the base idea is right, that the big bang was caused when some other membrane touched ours at a single point, and the energy from that exploded out in the model we are all familiar with, but i think that energy came from somewhere. a simple happenstance collision seems too commonplace to cause such a reaction. i think something cataclysmic happened in the realm of the other membrane. it is possible that our membrane was even attacked, or it was collateral damage in some higher dimensional battle. something huge focused that energy on the plane of our universe, or on the plane of their membrane, which caused their membrane to collide with ours and create the equal and opposite reaction we call the big bang. maybe it was something as simple as some other universe retracting and collapsing into ours, giving life to ours in its death. this whole membrane thing is great. i don't know what the full idea is even supposed to be, but i like to think of it as one string filled with so much energy that it expands to encompass all of these other strings, that end up resonating with its magnificence. i like to think about adding dimensions. the whole idea of a membrane implies a sheet, some sort of two dimensional object flexing into three dimensional space. this even goes along with einstien's models of space built in general relativity, a sort of two dimensional grid that ripples in waves. but that doesn't make sense. we can already as humans visualize more dimensions than that implies, and that doesn't even touch the dimensions we can't yet grasp. i like to see us floating on that membrane, like we are floating on water, on one slice of reality, the whole expanse of sky above us, and sea below us. i like to see that membrane as a slice of what we can sense, and pull myself to the edge of it, and try to manipulate it myself, to send waves of influence out into the world beyond me, with the eventual and obvious goal of being able to travel away from it, either by following one of the infinite membranes this one slice of space we exist on implies, or by simply freeing myself of it entirely and traveling unhindered. that would require an understanding of more dimensions than i currently have, i am afraid. so, i am content now to drift to the edge of my current container, and try to pull the edge of another container too me.
there is a certain symmetry to the string theory that attracts me. i think i am even more attracted to the fact that it can't yet be proven. it is truly the frontier. it is beyond what we can comprehend at this point, so we are just being shown glimpses of something new that is answering questions we couldn't before. it will certainly change, and in large degrees (if it is even on the right track at all) before it will even be recognized as anything factual, but there is an undeniable appeal. as a very theoretical person, it sucks me in. it resonates with, if you will. i can read, and the more i do, the more it seems right. the more portions of it are disproven, and replaced with better answers, the stronger a foothold it gains with me. it seems so simple, it makes me feel like a genius. there is so much ground that hasn't been covered, that i can swim around and feel like i am in uncharted territory, basking in pure theory without anything to draw me back. i feel like i can let my thoughts run wild, without detriment to the laws of physics or myself.
within seconds of writing that last sentence, my album ended, and my 15 gig complete futurama torrent finished. it is a sign that i need to finish this blog and go do something else, like watch futurama
Saturday, July 14, 2007
today, on short attention span theater.
ben will jump from topic to topic in a fit of manic writing until something sticks, then make a token attempt to flesh things out before losing focus and abruptly singing off. woo hoo!
the price of the playstation 3 has dropped, kind of. the expensive one costs what the inexpensive one used to cost, and the inexpensive one has been discontinued. a new expensive one has been introduced. but, in truth, once the current supply of newly minted inexpensive ones are gone, they are gone, because sony won't be shipping any more to the united states. inevitably when this happens, they will drop the price of the new expensive ones, and the cycle will begin anew. timetable for ben's purchase of the playstation 3 has now been pushed back to 2017, just after the release of the playstation 5
seattle saw record temperatures last week. thousands of air-conditioned office workers cried out in feigned sympathy after staring wistfully out their windows all day.
two fark.com headlines tell us that 3000 pot plants were found on Rupert Murdoch's ranch, and that the united states drug czar has equated marijuana growing to terrorism, thus proving what we have all secretly known for years. i didn't read either article, but i am sure they were both illuminating.
the owner of the florida marlins claims that the mariner's resigning of ichiro will be the death of baseball. mariner's GM bill bavasi's response?
"My mother always taught me that if the only thing you have to say is, 'Fuck Dave Samson,' then don't say anything at all. So I'm not going to say anything at all. Is my mother the greatest or what?"
my rebellion against thought continues. the weekend/weekday loop has been cemented. now all i have is an alternating pattern of rage and complacency. a complete lack of analysis makes this easier to maintain. that and 400 gigs of digital media. i could watch tv shows and go to work exclusively for the rest of my life, if i wanted too.
i am seeing palm trees everywhere. i still think it is ridiculous to plant palm trees in seattle. if they could grow real trees in california, they would. but they can't, so they settle for ugly ass palm trees. eucalyptus trees are ok though, as far as ugly ass trees go.
there are going to be constant lane closures on i5 between the west seattle bridge and downtown seattle for 19 days straight. the dot is predicting backups from seattle to tacoma. this will end well...
i forgot to send my netflix back again. oops.
despite my lack of trust in the mariners, they are on fire. they are trying to get us another pitcher, and there are rumors of bringing adam jones up from the minors to improve the team. the have snatched my interest back. i am back to watching the box score update while they are playing, instead of checking the standings once a week like earlier this season. if they played games on free tv, i would watch them live.
speaking of being able to watch sports on tv, the seahawks start training camp in about two weeks or so. i am excited, mostly because of my ability to actually watch them play. there are a few stories i want to follow this season. will ray willis crack the starting o line? i hope he beats out sean locklear at starting tackle. the dude is a beast. who will be the starting safeties? we know deion grant will start at free safety, and having someone decent back there will be nice. the greatest thing about that, is that if michael boulware wins a starting job, it will be at strong safety where he should be. i am afraid he isn't going to though. will the seahawks realize that jordan babineaux is the second best cornerback they have? he is. kelly jennings isn't, even if he is good. will patrick kerney be the second coming of good grant winstrom or bad grant winstrom? i hope he is effective at the end position. on 2 or 3 plays a game, grant was a sideline to sideline play-eater. but most of the time he was completely ineffective. will the seahawks realize that julian peterson is the best coverage linebacker in the league, and that leroy hill is a talented pass rusher? as awesome a pass rusher peterson is, he is wasted when that is his primary purpose. hill is ok in coverage, but that certainly isn't his strength. peterson could start at either safety position for us right now, he is that good downfield. how about having him be the main coverage guy when the tight end comes off, and building more and varied blitz packages to try and get both of them in the backfield at different times? because by the end of the season last year, every team in the league knew if the seahawks were blitzing, it was going to be peterson coming. hence, his complete lack of sacks in the second half of the season. will marcus tubbs stay healthy this year? if he does, our d-line is monster. if he doesn't, we are screwed. having him healthy will be the biggest upgrade to the defense this year. he is the most underrated player on the squad, mark my words. he could be a pro bowl tackle if he can stay healthy. will dj hackett be up to the task? i think so. after my fantasy football draft, he is the first player i am going to pluck out of the free agency pool. if i had the time to do the draft live, i'd use a pick on him in the last round. if someone else takes him in the draft, i am going to be very impressed. i might even start him from the beginning of the season, and laugh when he puts up solid numbers. he is going to be better than most of the shmuck receivers i end up with every year, that is almost guaranteed.
i just found a new seahawks blog to read. over and out. 10-4
ben will jump from topic to topic in a fit of manic writing until something sticks, then make a token attempt to flesh things out before losing focus and abruptly singing off. woo hoo!
the price of the playstation 3 has dropped, kind of. the expensive one costs what the inexpensive one used to cost, and the inexpensive one has been discontinued. a new expensive one has been introduced. but, in truth, once the current supply of newly minted inexpensive ones are gone, they are gone, because sony won't be shipping any more to the united states. inevitably when this happens, they will drop the price of the new expensive ones, and the cycle will begin anew. timetable for ben's purchase of the playstation 3 has now been pushed back to 2017, just after the release of the playstation 5
seattle saw record temperatures last week. thousands of air-conditioned office workers cried out in feigned sympathy after staring wistfully out their windows all day.
two fark.com headlines tell us that 3000 pot plants were found on Rupert Murdoch's ranch, and that the united states drug czar has equated marijuana growing to terrorism, thus proving what we have all secretly known for years. i didn't read either article, but i am sure they were both illuminating.
the owner of the florida marlins claims that the mariner's resigning of ichiro will be the death of baseball. mariner's GM bill bavasi's response?
"My mother always taught me that if the only thing you have to say is, 'Fuck Dave Samson,' then don't say anything at all. So I'm not going to say anything at all. Is my mother the greatest or what?"
my rebellion against thought continues. the weekend/weekday loop has been cemented. now all i have is an alternating pattern of rage and complacency. a complete lack of analysis makes this easier to maintain. that and 400 gigs of digital media. i could watch tv shows and go to work exclusively for the rest of my life, if i wanted too.
i am seeing palm trees everywhere. i still think it is ridiculous to plant palm trees in seattle. if they could grow real trees in california, they would. but they can't, so they settle for ugly ass palm trees. eucalyptus trees are ok though, as far as ugly ass trees go.
there are going to be constant lane closures on i5 between the west seattle bridge and downtown seattle for 19 days straight. the dot is predicting backups from seattle to tacoma. this will end well...
i forgot to send my netflix back again. oops.
despite my lack of trust in the mariners, they are on fire. they are trying to get us another pitcher, and there are rumors of bringing adam jones up from the minors to improve the team. the have snatched my interest back. i am back to watching the box score update while they are playing, instead of checking the standings once a week like earlier this season. if they played games on free tv, i would watch them live.
speaking of being able to watch sports on tv, the seahawks start training camp in about two weeks or so. i am excited, mostly because of my ability to actually watch them play. there are a few stories i want to follow this season. will ray willis crack the starting o line? i hope he beats out sean locklear at starting tackle. the dude is a beast. who will be the starting safeties? we know deion grant will start at free safety, and having someone decent back there will be nice. the greatest thing about that, is that if michael boulware wins a starting job, it will be at strong safety where he should be. i am afraid he isn't going to though. will the seahawks realize that jordan babineaux is the second best cornerback they have? he is. kelly jennings isn't, even if he is good. will patrick kerney be the second coming of good grant winstrom or bad grant winstrom? i hope he is effective at the end position. on 2 or 3 plays a game, grant was a sideline to sideline play-eater. but most of the time he was completely ineffective. will the seahawks realize that julian peterson is the best coverage linebacker in the league, and that leroy hill is a talented pass rusher? as awesome a pass rusher peterson is, he is wasted when that is his primary purpose. hill is ok in coverage, but that certainly isn't his strength. peterson could start at either safety position for us right now, he is that good downfield. how about having him be the main coverage guy when the tight end comes off, and building more and varied blitz packages to try and get both of them in the backfield at different times? because by the end of the season last year, every team in the league knew if the seahawks were blitzing, it was going to be peterson coming. hence, his complete lack of sacks in the second half of the season. will marcus tubbs stay healthy this year? if he does, our d-line is monster. if he doesn't, we are screwed. having him healthy will be the biggest upgrade to the defense this year. he is the most underrated player on the squad, mark my words. he could be a pro bowl tackle if he can stay healthy. will dj hackett be up to the task? i think so. after my fantasy football draft, he is the first player i am going to pluck out of the free agency pool. if i had the time to do the draft live, i'd use a pick on him in the last round. if someone else takes him in the draft, i am going to be very impressed. i might even start him from the beginning of the season, and laugh when he puts up solid numbers. he is going to be better than most of the shmuck receivers i end up with every year, that is almost guaranteed.
i just found a new seahawks blog to read. over and out. 10-4
Sunday, July 08, 2007
i admit, there is something very off about me right now. something just isn't right, something i can't quite pinpoint. i can't exactly tell you when it started, but i have a good guess that it was right around the time of the huge responsibility shift we had at work. this is probably why things have been coming to a head these last two weeks, it is just a magnification of a building problem.
reasons are inconsequential, the fact is i am not feeling well. i can deal with the stomach issues, the headaches, and the exhaustion too a point. the thing that really has me rattled is the constant nightmares. i am waking up in the middle of the night screaming, i am having continuation dreams that keep escalating, and the worst thing of all, dreams i can identify as dreams, but can't force myself out of.
this is also mirroring real life, a magnification of larger issues. my mind feels like it is trying to force its way out of my skin, but it is stuck. i feel like i have been swallowed by a snake, and i am forcing my way through it, but it never ends. it is a struggle for constant movement in eternal confinement. it is eating away at me, and it is causing me problems, and i am getting tired of it. it is messing with me. it is taking me away from larger things.
so i come here. i could wallow. in fact, that is what i have been doing, but i don't want that anymore. i want movement. i need to abate this negative momentum. if i can't tip the scales here and now, i want to start the process. i need some sort of balance, because i have been desperately short on that recently, and i need something for my peace of mind.
i am caught in the periphery. i saw into the future, i saw a thought process i wasn't quite prepared for recently. i had a vision of what i would be thinking, and i have been content to wait for it to happen. but i have neglected the process of the now that led to that, thereby jeopardizing things in the now. so i have been slowly dragging myself away from that inner area i was circling around. the internal scope has been forced into a smaller sphere, while the external sphere has been growing, its scope reaching first to encompass the internal, and then buried under its own needs. like i said, i haven't been myself. i haven't been able to go inside myself, inside my thoughts. i have been sitting here, dictating my way through the future happenings of the world around me, instead of guiding my way through my mind. there has been now me. i have been cycling through the inevitable bullshit over and over and over, and as it keeps piling up around me, i have been drawing it inside me, instead of sealing myself inside my internal barrier so it can simply slide away. i have been trying to take everything inside me, take all the responsibility, all the failures, every single little thing that has gone wrong, and make sense of it, instead of focusing on the next immediate problem. it has buried me, and i have been constantly behind.
instead of living inside myself, with the strength of myself wrapped around me like a shield, i have been living outside of myself, using my body as a shield between me and the real world. like i said, i am caught in the periphery of my mind. i am fighting an endless defensive action, looking down at the things that are familiar and comfortable to me, but never able to dive down and be among them.
i need to get past this way of thinking. my work environment is poison, plain and simple. when i try to do this, and make the work personal, this is what happens. it starts to eat away at me. when i let it splash against me and drain away is when i find success. it broke down my outer barriers. it smashed right through them, and has been running wild in my mind, and on most days, i feel it is all i can do to protect that core of me from the madness. we are going through a really bad stretch right now, and i have taken that onus on me, when it is not my cross to bear. i wish i could simply remove myself from such a toxic situation, but i can't find a simulation where that leads to success. i need to be working. i am simply not making enough money to build an exit plan quickly. hell, i am on the edge of making money period right now. i am finding myself in that ugly limbo stage of pingponging numbers. as little as i am making, there isn't a better solution immediately available, and i don't have the cushion i need to make a change. that is just the truth. it would be easy to leave, but impossible to leave gracefully, and the last thing i need is a black mark on my decent reputation that would cement me down at minimum wage and financial ruins.
but the pingpong never lasts. i always start crawling away, no matter what happens. and when i do, and the ball starts floating up again on an unseen gust of air, then i will be able to go. i will be able to float away and into the world i have already seen. that is the frustration. i have the plan in place, and i know what it is going to take. and i am close, i am really really close. the upper end of the pingpong keeps flirting with the numbers i need, that is the frustration. that i am so close to where i need to be, but i keep being sucked down, back into the poisonous polluted clouds below me.
i am suddenly overwhelmed. i have literally been at the end of my rope, in a hopeless state that scared me. but now that my planning has hit me again, and the math has come back to me, i am so grateful, because i have made my plan purposefully simple so no matter what happens, it will never be too far away, always within my grasp. i can see it, i can see the numbers, and they are suddenly a great comfort to me. as little as i have, it is still enough for now, and close to what i need to start completely fresh.
i guess this outpouring has shown me exactly what i need. that there is hope on all fronts. that mental peace and my envisioned growth is close, just that i was overzealous when i saw it. that my escape is still near, painfully near, it just isn't sustainably eminent. but it is still there. in fact, i think the two are linked. i think they have always been linked. i think the finalization of my planning led me to see what i saw.
here is what i am going to dream about tonight: when i find myself in the same ugly dream i have been having nightly, the dream i can't escape, i am going to be caught on an unseen gust of air, and fly into the sky. i am going to float away, look above me and laugh. now that i know this, i will finally be able to sleep at night, and wake up refreshed.
reasons are inconsequential, the fact is i am not feeling well. i can deal with the stomach issues, the headaches, and the exhaustion too a point. the thing that really has me rattled is the constant nightmares. i am waking up in the middle of the night screaming, i am having continuation dreams that keep escalating, and the worst thing of all, dreams i can identify as dreams, but can't force myself out of.
this is also mirroring real life, a magnification of larger issues. my mind feels like it is trying to force its way out of my skin, but it is stuck. i feel like i have been swallowed by a snake, and i am forcing my way through it, but it never ends. it is a struggle for constant movement in eternal confinement. it is eating away at me, and it is causing me problems, and i am getting tired of it. it is messing with me. it is taking me away from larger things.
so i come here. i could wallow. in fact, that is what i have been doing, but i don't want that anymore. i want movement. i need to abate this negative momentum. if i can't tip the scales here and now, i want to start the process. i need some sort of balance, because i have been desperately short on that recently, and i need something for my peace of mind.
i am caught in the periphery. i saw into the future, i saw a thought process i wasn't quite prepared for recently. i had a vision of what i would be thinking, and i have been content to wait for it to happen. but i have neglected the process of the now that led to that, thereby jeopardizing things in the now. so i have been slowly dragging myself away from that inner area i was circling around. the internal scope has been forced into a smaller sphere, while the external sphere has been growing, its scope reaching first to encompass the internal, and then buried under its own needs. like i said, i haven't been myself. i haven't been able to go inside myself, inside my thoughts. i have been sitting here, dictating my way through the future happenings of the world around me, instead of guiding my way through my mind. there has been now me. i have been cycling through the inevitable bullshit over and over and over, and as it keeps piling up around me, i have been drawing it inside me, instead of sealing myself inside my internal barrier so it can simply slide away. i have been trying to take everything inside me, take all the responsibility, all the failures, every single little thing that has gone wrong, and make sense of it, instead of focusing on the next immediate problem. it has buried me, and i have been constantly behind.
instead of living inside myself, with the strength of myself wrapped around me like a shield, i have been living outside of myself, using my body as a shield between me and the real world. like i said, i am caught in the periphery of my mind. i am fighting an endless defensive action, looking down at the things that are familiar and comfortable to me, but never able to dive down and be among them.
i need to get past this way of thinking. my work environment is poison, plain and simple. when i try to do this, and make the work personal, this is what happens. it starts to eat away at me. when i let it splash against me and drain away is when i find success. it broke down my outer barriers. it smashed right through them, and has been running wild in my mind, and on most days, i feel it is all i can do to protect that core of me from the madness. we are going through a really bad stretch right now, and i have taken that onus on me, when it is not my cross to bear. i wish i could simply remove myself from such a toxic situation, but i can't find a simulation where that leads to success. i need to be working. i am simply not making enough money to build an exit plan quickly. hell, i am on the edge of making money period right now. i am finding myself in that ugly limbo stage of pingponging numbers. as little as i am making, there isn't a better solution immediately available, and i don't have the cushion i need to make a change. that is just the truth. it would be easy to leave, but impossible to leave gracefully, and the last thing i need is a black mark on my decent reputation that would cement me down at minimum wage and financial ruins.
but the pingpong never lasts. i always start crawling away, no matter what happens. and when i do, and the ball starts floating up again on an unseen gust of air, then i will be able to go. i will be able to float away and into the world i have already seen. that is the frustration. i have the plan in place, and i know what it is going to take. and i am close, i am really really close. the upper end of the pingpong keeps flirting with the numbers i need, that is the frustration. that i am so close to where i need to be, but i keep being sucked down, back into the poisonous polluted clouds below me.
i am suddenly overwhelmed. i have literally been at the end of my rope, in a hopeless state that scared me. but now that my planning has hit me again, and the math has come back to me, i am so grateful, because i have made my plan purposefully simple so no matter what happens, it will never be too far away, always within my grasp. i can see it, i can see the numbers, and they are suddenly a great comfort to me. as little as i have, it is still enough for now, and close to what i need to start completely fresh.
i guess this outpouring has shown me exactly what i need. that there is hope on all fronts. that mental peace and my envisioned growth is close, just that i was overzealous when i saw it. that my escape is still near, painfully near, it just isn't sustainably eminent. but it is still there. in fact, i think the two are linked. i think they have always been linked. i think the finalization of my planning led me to see what i saw.
here is what i am going to dream about tonight: when i find myself in the same ugly dream i have been having nightly, the dream i can't escape, i am going to be caught on an unseen gust of air, and fly into the sky. i am going to float away, look above me and laugh. now that i know this, i will finally be able to sleep at night, and wake up refreshed.
Wednesday, July 04, 2007
so how does one wank celebrate?
well, it being usa day, i have my two big bottles of rogue american amber. i have already taken two naps today, and i have no intentions of leaving the house. after the end of canada day (or the fact that i can't remember any of it), this seems like the safe thing to do. the police increase their presence today, which wouldn't bode well for me. everything has combined to make a perfect day for me, a day just like i like them. now, i just have to figure out something american, yet rogueish to watch out of my suddenly extensive media library. then maybe another nap. woo america.
well, it being usa day, i have my two big bottles of rogue american amber. i have already taken two naps today, and i have no intentions of leaving the house. after the end of canada day (or the fact that i can't remember any of it), this seems like the safe thing to do. the police increase their presence today, which wouldn't bode well for me. everything has combined to make a perfect day for me, a day just like i like them. now, i just have to figure out something american, yet rogueish to watch out of my suddenly extensive media library. then maybe another nap. woo america.
