Saturday, June 23, 2007
musings on practical wizardry:
so, i am having fun here, trying to conceptualize magic. if i am contending that magic actually exists in my world, and my characters start to develop it, how is that going to work. the one idea that keeps running over and over in my brain is the feeling that thoughts are a thing of substance. that there is something there to provide a force for change, that there is an energy that can be combined with the elemental energies around you. if there is going to be magic, that makes a lot of sense, and it also makes sense that increased concentration will increase the force behind the thought, which will increase the viability of whatever magic you are trying to do. that is all a given. i think the real learning process will be recognizing the nature of the elements you are attempting to intertwine with your thoughts. there will be levels of fusion, ranging from applying a simple pressure on those other forces to manage rudimentary manipulation to a complete synthesis, where the only real limitation is the scope of one's thoughts.
the search for a better synthesis, that is what it will be.
so, i am having fun here, trying to conceptualize magic. if i am contending that magic actually exists in my world, and my characters start to develop it, how is that going to work. the one idea that keeps running over and over in my brain is the feeling that thoughts are a thing of substance. that there is something there to provide a force for change, that there is an energy that can be combined with the elemental energies around you. if there is going to be magic, that makes a lot of sense, and it also makes sense that increased concentration will increase the force behind the thought, which will increase the viability of whatever magic you are trying to do. that is all a given. i think the real learning process will be recognizing the nature of the elements you are attempting to intertwine with your thoughts. there will be levels of fusion, ranging from applying a simple pressure on those other forces to manage rudimentary manipulation to a complete synthesis, where the only real limitation is the scope of one's thoughts.
the search for a better synthesis, that is what it will be.
Friday, June 22, 2007
back back back. i want to do it again. i want something that i didn't see coming. i don't care what it is, i want to be sent off on a tangent and never return. so we are back again.
aerodynamics will be the starting topic. i used to dream about being able to move through the world, pretending i was letting the wind propel me. i wanted to be able to hold out my hands, and have unseen gusts of air direct my movements. sometimes i feel like i can do this, it is entertaining to me. i think the movement of air is something we don't quite understand, at least we don't understand all of the variables that cause the subtle shifts. i have always thought i could control it with my thoughts. i have always thought there is something of substance in my thoughts that can give the air around me a gentle nudge, shifting things just slightly enough. sitting in traffic on wednesday, i made my most successful attempt at turning this hope into a reality. i mean, i have no proof or anything, just my dream that such things are possible.
so, i was sitting in my car creeping down an onramp. the idiot in front of me was just spewing smoke out of his tail pipe. it was a huge cloud, it was going everywhere. i had my driver window down because it was hot out, but my passenger window up because there was no passenger. i could have just positioned myself directly behind him, or on his left edge and most of the smoke would have drifted away from my window, but that seemed like cheating. besides, this guy was almost straddling the line to the carpool lane. so i centered the nose of my car with his exhaust pipe. i don't know why exactly, but i know there is a reason. i guess if i had to think about it, it is because there is a line i draw down the center of my car when i am driving. it is more of a weight shifting thing, but sometimes i imagine that i can steer the car using just wind resistance on my front fenders. it is totally reasonable, and now that i am really thinking about it, i think i do, especially on the freeway. that is probably a big part of why i can steer one handed all of the time, and rarely move the steering wheel more than an inch or two at a time. it is probably a combination of the weight shift, my accelerator techniques, and using the aerodynamics of my car to link that imaginary line up to the ideal arc through a curve. but anyways, i used that line and put it right on the cloud of smoke, then concentrated on shifting that smoke to the right side of the line so it all went down the right side of my car.
and it worked. i don't know how, really, but it worked. it was just like playing with smoke when smoking weed, or shifting candles with my mind, or the other things i pretend i can do, but it worked. at first i thought it was just a breeze keeping the smoke swirling onto the side i wanted it to be on, but it worked for a full 270 degrees down the onramp, and the entire time. it wasn't just a sporadic random thing, i kept it constantly billowing onto the side of the line i wanted.
so real or not, how can i adapt this into something functional? oh, that is obvious to me. i am splitting my books into three series, and i have three main themes for how their power builds. first one is fire, second one is water, third one is wind. i have been developing simple wind-based sword techniques and rudimentary magic, and wednesday i saw how some of this would function first hand. the past few days my mind has been spinning, but instead of the line down my car splitting the air, it has been the line down the edge of the sword splitting the air, finding that perfect arc. it has been using that control over the subtle shifts in wind to direct someone else's sword where you want it too, and most of all, it has been using the wind to direct your movements naturally, so you are working in full concert with your surroundings without any resistance, letting the wind radiate away from your sword, and forcing your opponent to fight against it while you flit through the fight without even thinking, three steps ahead by letting wind guide you instinctually, letting that lack of resistance give you that extra speed, and letting the force of the wind add power to your attacks. i think i may have found the main tenet behind the first sword technique i am going to create, and all because i was playing around with keeping some douche's exhaust out of my face. feeling for that path that has the least resistance, and using that automatically to show you the ideal movements to make.
aerodynamics will be the starting topic. i used to dream about being able to move through the world, pretending i was letting the wind propel me. i wanted to be able to hold out my hands, and have unseen gusts of air direct my movements. sometimes i feel like i can do this, it is entertaining to me. i think the movement of air is something we don't quite understand, at least we don't understand all of the variables that cause the subtle shifts. i have always thought i could control it with my thoughts. i have always thought there is something of substance in my thoughts that can give the air around me a gentle nudge, shifting things just slightly enough. sitting in traffic on wednesday, i made my most successful attempt at turning this hope into a reality. i mean, i have no proof or anything, just my dream that such things are possible.
so, i was sitting in my car creeping down an onramp. the idiot in front of me was just spewing smoke out of his tail pipe. it was a huge cloud, it was going everywhere. i had my driver window down because it was hot out, but my passenger window up because there was no passenger. i could have just positioned myself directly behind him, or on his left edge and most of the smoke would have drifted away from my window, but that seemed like cheating. besides, this guy was almost straddling the line to the carpool lane. so i centered the nose of my car with his exhaust pipe. i don't know why exactly, but i know there is a reason. i guess if i had to think about it, it is because there is a line i draw down the center of my car when i am driving. it is more of a weight shifting thing, but sometimes i imagine that i can steer the car using just wind resistance on my front fenders. it is totally reasonable, and now that i am really thinking about it, i think i do, especially on the freeway. that is probably a big part of why i can steer one handed all of the time, and rarely move the steering wheel more than an inch or two at a time. it is probably a combination of the weight shift, my accelerator techniques, and using the aerodynamics of my car to link that imaginary line up to the ideal arc through a curve. but anyways, i used that line and put it right on the cloud of smoke, then concentrated on shifting that smoke to the right side of the line so it all went down the right side of my car.
and it worked. i don't know how, really, but it worked. it was just like playing with smoke when smoking weed, or shifting candles with my mind, or the other things i pretend i can do, but it worked. at first i thought it was just a breeze keeping the smoke swirling onto the side i wanted it to be on, but it worked for a full 270 degrees down the onramp, and the entire time. it wasn't just a sporadic random thing, i kept it constantly billowing onto the side of the line i wanted.
so real or not, how can i adapt this into something functional? oh, that is obvious to me. i am splitting my books into three series, and i have three main themes for how their power builds. first one is fire, second one is water, third one is wind. i have been developing simple wind-based sword techniques and rudimentary magic, and wednesday i saw how some of this would function first hand. the past few days my mind has been spinning, but instead of the line down my car splitting the air, it has been the line down the edge of the sword splitting the air, finding that perfect arc. it has been using that control over the subtle shifts in wind to direct someone else's sword where you want it too, and most of all, it has been using the wind to direct your movements naturally, so you are working in full concert with your surroundings without any resistance, letting the wind radiate away from your sword, and forcing your opponent to fight against it while you flit through the fight without even thinking, three steps ahead by letting wind guide you instinctually, letting that lack of resistance give you that extra speed, and letting the force of the wind add power to your attacks. i think i may have found the main tenet behind the first sword technique i am going to create, and all because i was playing around with keeping some douche's exhaust out of my face. feeling for that path that has the least resistance, and using that automatically to show you the ideal movements to make.
Saturday, June 16, 2007
today is a day of peace. peace and a stretching of mental boundaries. i want to push my thoughts to the edge of hallucination. in a few hours, i will not have to try on my own. i will be seeing an act that has the word in its name, it won't exactly take any effort. but i want to see something new today. i want to find something, right here and right now.
i am in space. i am looking out into the vastness, with the earth looming blue behind me. if i were to turn around, and stretch out my arms, my finger tips would touch the edges of the world, with only the cloudy atmosphere dancing outside of my grip. i am floating with my arms outstretched, but that is not the way i am facing. i am positioned this way to keep myself firmly between the forces i will be manipulating and the only world i know as of yet, at least for the time being. as the world slowly flies away on its orbit around the sun, it will travel further from harm. it means a few things. one, i have committed to conducting this experiment for one year. two, i should plan for things to peak in 6 months, when the only world i know is as far away as physically possible, and safely protected behind a giant ball of molten hydrogen. three, i don't know what i will find, or what i will happen, thus the need for such cautionary measures.
so, what do i know. what has me floating alone, in this exact point in space. why am i about to toy with forces of such an indescribable magnitude. because, i have found it. over the past few years as the world has been slipping into chaos, i have been searching for a new home. because there, on earth, there is only struggle for me. to survive will mean a war i will have to fight singlehandedly, and the destruction of a great many things i have no real quarrel with. because i have the strength to fight them all, and it is my duty, because the chaos is my creation.
but i have found it. a new world that will sustain me. a new life, a new beginning, free of the mistakes of my past. i have linked our two worlds, so i will not lose it again. i have strung a flexible line of energy between the two planets to connect these two worlds, a road sign that will not become instantly obsolete in the swirling shifts of power through the vastness of space. and right now, i am sitting with that line of power flowing directly through me. to protect the only world i know, i disconnect that string, and hook it firmly too my chest. because, i am going to make a pathway through the fabric of time and space. whatever forces i draw back to this point will now only impact me.
first, i need to know what is between me and this new world. my eyes go completely black as i expand the sphere of my awareness out further and further. the scope of what i can see and feel grows and grows, and the flows of energy through the black nothingness become waves of increasing intensity that threaten to rip through my body. but they can not touch me. i am just another point in space and time, shifting along with everything else. i resist the urge to grab these forces and bend them to my will as i push my mind even further. stars float through my mind, brilliant points of energy striking a dizzying counterpoint to the endless black. and still i go further, the focal point of my expansion always flowing down line of power extending from my chest. the enormity threatens to crush me, but i persevere. the further my mind goes, the more of the pattern i can see. so while it becomes more difficult to comprehend the entirety of my sphere of influence, the easier it is to see the shifts in power all around me. simple lashes of power become shifting flows of energy, and eventually rivers and tides. the world flows on around me, and the chaos becomes organic beauty. and while my physical size stays the same, my presence grows. i feel like a giant looming above the universe, like i could reach out my hands and smash galaxies in my grip.
and then i am there. the planet that is the focus of the back of my mind inauspiciously slips past the edge of my thought and into my mind. i see it with a clarity i had only dreamed of, and it is beautiful. i stop the movement, and settle into the scope, relieved that i no longer have to exert that energy. i contemplate just the tether extending in front of me, and begin my preparations. i start twisting the space in a wide circle in front of me, and when it is complete, i start extending it in a tube away from my body. i keep twisting, spinning the fabric of space and time away from me and towards this new world. every time i shift, every time i force things out of alignment, i have to pull that fluctuation inside of me. that is the balance. if i don't, those unnatural forces will go out of control, and would unleash a spasm of unpredictable destructive forces. this is what happens when you toy with the natural order of the universe. my mind twists with the pain of the disorder i am causing.
once my tube has reached the space around the planet, i start to turn the tube back in on itself. it spirals back along itself as a negative opposite. this part is easy. once i begin this process, the inner tube creates itself, an natural extension of the unnatural forces containing it. the effort i exert is to slow the process, because if i don't it would be an instant and cataclysmic shot of power extending from the edge of my tube, and would probably destroy everything in its path past me to the back edge of my sphere, the sun and earth along with it.
i keep it in check, and once my dual layered tube is complete, i take a moment to regroup. the tube balances itself out. the energies i have created have now reached a certain harmony. i take a moment to check my surroundings. my six months are almost over, right on schedule. everything is ready. i look around me, at the circle of rocks floating in space with me and around me. inside, i have sealed everything i hold dear. i have placed representations of everything i have deemed worthy of survival from the only world i have ever known.
i have made mistakes, and i will bear the consequences of my action. this new world is not for me, i would destroy it as well. no, this world is for them. i found this world so they can live without stigmas of what i have done hanging over their head. they will survive, and flourish, and i will accept my fate here. this is my responsibility. this is my duty. but first, i will ensure the safety and purity of that good i have wrought. because despite the mistakes, we have done great things. things just spun out of our control.
it is time. i gather my treasures at the end of the swirling tube, inserting them into the maelstrom, clenching my thoughts to ensure this new intrusion, no matter how small, does not send the whole creation out of control. and then, when everything is in place, i start unraveling it all, and send everything good, everything i hold dear hurtling through space towards a new life without me. i start siphoning the wild spinning power into myself, so the force will not destroy this new world when they arrive at the end of my pathway through the heavens. when they reach the end of the road, safely inserted into the new planets gravitational pull, i take all of that wild energy into me to keep my charges safe. i feel the unnatural forces dissolving as my tube rushes back towards me. when it reaches me, i am struck with a bolt of raw power that blasts me backwards.
i am nearly knocked unconscious. the flame of my life is almost extinguished, and i feel an uncomfortable cold come over me as i fly through the black. for an instant i am seared by an unbelievable fire, and then it is gone, my vision replaced by a unimaginable light. i realize i have passed through the sun. it has slowed my progress, and i start to regain some functionality over my body. i feel the earth looming behind me, and i steel myself for the inevitable impact, preparing to disperse the energy of my fall when i hit, so i don't splinter the planet into shards of dust. and then i hit, and before the crushing blow takes me away, i let everything out. all my pain, all of my sorrow, all of my shame, all of my rage, all of the forces that i have stored inside of me in a pyroclaustic cloud of energy that spreads across the surface of the first world i knew. i watch the wounds i have inflicted burn away, cleansed by the forces of the universe channeled into a fire of my mind's creation. and then it is over, and i drift away.
copyright ben harding 6/16/07 all rights reserved. haha bitches, didn't see that one coming!
i am in space. i am looking out into the vastness, with the earth looming blue behind me. if i were to turn around, and stretch out my arms, my finger tips would touch the edges of the world, with only the cloudy atmosphere dancing outside of my grip. i am floating with my arms outstretched, but that is not the way i am facing. i am positioned this way to keep myself firmly between the forces i will be manipulating and the only world i know as of yet, at least for the time being. as the world slowly flies away on its orbit around the sun, it will travel further from harm. it means a few things. one, i have committed to conducting this experiment for one year. two, i should plan for things to peak in 6 months, when the only world i know is as far away as physically possible, and safely protected behind a giant ball of molten hydrogen. three, i don't know what i will find, or what i will happen, thus the need for such cautionary measures.
so, what do i know. what has me floating alone, in this exact point in space. why am i about to toy with forces of such an indescribable magnitude. because, i have found it. over the past few years as the world has been slipping into chaos, i have been searching for a new home. because there, on earth, there is only struggle for me. to survive will mean a war i will have to fight singlehandedly, and the destruction of a great many things i have no real quarrel with. because i have the strength to fight them all, and it is my duty, because the chaos is my creation.
but i have found it. a new world that will sustain me. a new life, a new beginning, free of the mistakes of my past. i have linked our two worlds, so i will not lose it again. i have strung a flexible line of energy between the two planets to connect these two worlds, a road sign that will not become instantly obsolete in the swirling shifts of power through the vastness of space. and right now, i am sitting with that line of power flowing directly through me. to protect the only world i know, i disconnect that string, and hook it firmly too my chest. because, i am going to make a pathway through the fabric of time and space. whatever forces i draw back to this point will now only impact me.
first, i need to know what is between me and this new world. my eyes go completely black as i expand the sphere of my awareness out further and further. the scope of what i can see and feel grows and grows, and the flows of energy through the black nothingness become waves of increasing intensity that threaten to rip through my body. but they can not touch me. i am just another point in space and time, shifting along with everything else. i resist the urge to grab these forces and bend them to my will as i push my mind even further. stars float through my mind, brilliant points of energy striking a dizzying counterpoint to the endless black. and still i go further, the focal point of my expansion always flowing down line of power extending from my chest. the enormity threatens to crush me, but i persevere. the further my mind goes, the more of the pattern i can see. so while it becomes more difficult to comprehend the entirety of my sphere of influence, the easier it is to see the shifts in power all around me. simple lashes of power become shifting flows of energy, and eventually rivers and tides. the world flows on around me, and the chaos becomes organic beauty. and while my physical size stays the same, my presence grows. i feel like a giant looming above the universe, like i could reach out my hands and smash galaxies in my grip.
and then i am there. the planet that is the focus of the back of my mind inauspiciously slips past the edge of my thought and into my mind. i see it with a clarity i had only dreamed of, and it is beautiful. i stop the movement, and settle into the scope, relieved that i no longer have to exert that energy. i contemplate just the tether extending in front of me, and begin my preparations. i start twisting the space in a wide circle in front of me, and when it is complete, i start extending it in a tube away from my body. i keep twisting, spinning the fabric of space and time away from me and towards this new world. every time i shift, every time i force things out of alignment, i have to pull that fluctuation inside of me. that is the balance. if i don't, those unnatural forces will go out of control, and would unleash a spasm of unpredictable destructive forces. this is what happens when you toy with the natural order of the universe. my mind twists with the pain of the disorder i am causing.
once my tube has reached the space around the planet, i start to turn the tube back in on itself. it spirals back along itself as a negative opposite. this part is easy. once i begin this process, the inner tube creates itself, an natural extension of the unnatural forces containing it. the effort i exert is to slow the process, because if i don't it would be an instant and cataclysmic shot of power extending from the edge of my tube, and would probably destroy everything in its path past me to the back edge of my sphere, the sun and earth along with it.
i keep it in check, and once my dual layered tube is complete, i take a moment to regroup. the tube balances itself out. the energies i have created have now reached a certain harmony. i take a moment to check my surroundings. my six months are almost over, right on schedule. everything is ready. i look around me, at the circle of rocks floating in space with me and around me. inside, i have sealed everything i hold dear. i have placed representations of everything i have deemed worthy of survival from the only world i have ever known.
i have made mistakes, and i will bear the consequences of my action. this new world is not for me, i would destroy it as well. no, this world is for them. i found this world so they can live without stigmas of what i have done hanging over their head. they will survive, and flourish, and i will accept my fate here. this is my responsibility. this is my duty. but first, i will ensure the safety and purity of that good i have wrought. because despite the mistakes, we have done great things. things just spun out of our control.
it is time. i gather my treasures at the end of the swirling tube, inserting them into the maelstrom, clenching my thoughts to ensure this new intrusion, no matter how small, does not send the whole creation out of control. and then, when everything is in place, i start unraveling it all, and send everything good, everything i hold dear hurtling through space towards a new life without me. i start siphoning the wild spinning power into myself, so the force will not destroy this new world when they arrive at the end of my pathway through the heavens. when they reach the end of the road, safely inserted into the new planets gravitational pull, i take all of that wild energy into me to keep my charges safe. i feel the unnatural forces dissolving as my tube rushes back towards me. when it reaches me, i am struck with a bolt of raw power that blasts me backwards.
i am nearly knocked unconscious. the flame of my life is almost extinguished, and i feel an uncomfortable cold come over me as i fly through the black. for an instant i am seared by an unbelievable fire, and then it is gone, my vision replaced by a unimaginable light. i realize i have passed through the sun. it has slowed my progress, and i start to regain some functionality over my body. i feel the earth looming behind me, and i steel myself for the inevitable impact, preparing to disperse the energy of my fall when i hit, so i don't splinter the planet into shards of dust. and then i hit, and before the crushing blow takes me away, i let everything out. all my pain, all of my sorrow, all of my shame, all of my rage, all of the forces that i have stored inside of me in a pyroclaustic cloud of energy that spreads across the surface of the first world i knew. i watch the wounds i have inflicted burn away, cleansed by the forces of the universe channeled into a fire of my mind's creation. and then it is over, and i drift away.
copyright ben harding 6/16/07 all rights reserved. haha bitches, didn't see that one coming!
so far, so good. this last week has been rough for me. i have two major vices, and i have been trying to get them both in check. i always thought i would someday have to get rid of one of them, but be able to keep the other, so i have swung back and forth between trying put one under wraps, then lapsing, focusing on the other, then lapsing. but never both at once. it was an inconceivable notion. to me, it was tantamount to removing all joy from my life. but that isn't true. that was the kind of self-serving nonsense that perpetuated my habits.
so far, so good though. after a week, i have stuck to my ideas. i am not exactly trying to remove either of them from my life, just stop them from controlling my daily routine, leaving energy for nothing else. and so far, it has worked this week. no lapses, no cheating. it has hurt, but i am seeing a difference in my attitude. the easy one was the one i thought was most detrimental, but that hasn't been the case. the hard one is the one that has made the most difference, and the one that has been most difficult to keep tabs on. it has been physically and mentally painful. in fact, this blog is over, because i have to go clean or something to occupy my mind. the good thing is, i have the rest of my weekend planned so my goals should be easy to keep. on to week two...
so far, so good though. after a week, i have stuck to my ideas. i am not exactly trying to remove either of them from my life, just stop them from controlling my daily routine, leaving energy for nothing else. and so far, it has worked this week. no lapses, no cheating. it has hurt, but i am seeing a difference in my attitude. the easy one was the one i thought was most detrimental, but that hasn't been the case. the hard one is the one that has made the most difference, and the one that has been most difficult to keep tabs on. it has been physically and mentally painful. in fact, this blog is over, because i have to go clean or something to occupy my mind. the good thing is, i have the rest of my weekend planned so my goals should be easy to keep. on to week two...
because because because because because! because of all the wonderful things i does. i need to feel like i can shift things back to that. the things that are my strengths. i need those weaknesses that are currently for whatever reason are keeping me from doing that to become strengths. this individual culture of infallibility and entitlement suddenly isn't cutting it, so i am regrouping, and attacking again from a different angle so i once again have the element of surprise in my favor. it goes back to that strength i have found in my characters, that is mine. there are things that do not belong in me, or them. i see these things, and try to call them necessary or acceptable flaws, but they can only be that in moderation. if they are controlling attributes, they are pure detriment. that shame, denial, and constant need for justification can be stopped. i am throwing myself into a period of blog-based upheaval, because i still feel like i have something i need to prove to myself. i feel like a lost kid, because that is where i am digging, because that is where the trail i am following is leading me. i read my writing and see petulance, because part of it is letting those pent up emotions vent out. luckily, i know what i am doing now, instead of flailing through my own thoughts. i could very easily turn this into full-fledged regression instead a simple examination, but i have an actual goal in sight, a purpose. i started in the middle, looking towards the end. but i can't see past that end right now, which is not the full path i have seen before, and it is leaving me stuck and frustrated. i am confused, and when i look back for guidance, i see more gaps. so, i'm finding where the wires are crossed. i need to make that path solid and viable again so i am not just sprinting headlong into a wall.
sometimes i just want to slap myself. i wish i could just snap my mind out of it, and get it to do exactly what i want. but it doesn't always react how i expect it too. it is like some sort of wild animal. brute force just gets me mauled. trying to herd it sends it further in the wrong direction but we want the same things, ultimately. i just need to quiet its sudden need for attention, and see what its purpose is. it is leading me somewhere. maybe i need to submit, and let it tame me. maybe i just need to trust it, and let it show me what it wants to show me, instead of trying to take charge. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............
sometimes i just want to slap myself. i wish i could just snap my mind out of it, and get it to do exactly what i want. but it doesn't always react how i expect it too. it is like some sort of wild animal. brute force just gets me mauled. trying to herd it sends it further in the wrong direction but we want the same things, ultimately. i just need to quiet its sudden need for attention, and see what its purpose is. it is leading me somewhere. maybe i need to submit, and let it tame me. maybe i just need to trust it, and let it show me what it wants to show me, instead of trying to take charge. hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.............
Friday, June 15, 2007
so, i am trying to sift through my arbitrary labels of mediocrity and average. those terms by their very nature would mean i am dangling myself into the realm of humanity for the sake of comparison. average by who's standards? well, average by my standards. i tend to disregard other people's standards anyway, so mediocre by my standards. that is why i give it such a negative connotation. first and foremost, i have been raised too. you are reading about a guy who was grounded when his keyboarding grade dipped to a C after first quarter of 7th grade, and was punished when he was hit with a B+ on his permanent record after 9th grade geometry,because it ruined all chances at a 4.0 before he even stepped foot on the high school campus. and what is worse, as idiotic and backwards as that may sound, and as much as i hated it then, i agree with it now.
there is no mediocrity in me. i used to throw tests to get bad grades in elementary school before grades meant anything so i could fit in, because i wanted to be mediocre. my academic laziness started as a way to piss off my parents, and i am half convinced now that i failed out of college just to prove to them i wasn't some sort of brilliant wunderkind who could cure cancer and fly to the moon at the same time, so they would get off my back and stop riding me into the ground.
and now, i am ashamed of all of that. i feel like i have gotten my wish, and i finally blend completely into the background, and live a life completely devoid of expectations and the accomplishments that accompany them. and worse, i don't know how to reverse it. i don't know how to go back to being the motivated genius, instead of the slaphappy genius. the fact that i can't take action and follow through is some sort of mental block i need to somehow destroy, because it is entirely my creation. it was childish and immature, one more thing from my childhood i need to come to terms with. i may have overcompensated by extolling apathy as a virtue for all of these years. laziness is a viable way of life, and preaching it was the only way to prove it to myself. it has taught me so many things, and allowed me to build a mindset based on my own terms. but should it be sought after as the means, instead of just the pleasant side effect of achievement?
laziness is still the goal. a life completely free of any demands is what i search for, because leaves me free to pursue anything my mind desires. but have i earned it? if i don't have the accomplishments to back it up, and on a related note, don't have the means to make those pursuits a reality, doesn't that leave me entrenched in a cyclic pipe dream of unfulfillable fantasy? isn't that just one more form of self deception?
i swear, i have the most twisted view of sloth on the planet. the thought of earning inactivity through hard work makes me laugh an evil laugh, and tap my fingertips together like mr. burns. my mind has decided it has demons to exorcise. apparently it is time once again to demolish the entrenched habits of my adolescence and rebuild. one thing i can tell you, is that shame is not a healthy emotion, and it is addictive. i have a lot of shame, things i really don't feel like going into here. suffice to say, the past week i have been visiting some things on my own time, and i am sure that is why other things are swirling into focus. i don't want to feel uncomfortable. i don't want to feel like i have to hide from everyone. that is something need to focus on, because hiding from the world is really another way of hiding from myself, devoting more of my energy to deception.
there is no mediocrity in me. i used to throw tests to get bad grades in elementary school before grades meant anything so i could fit in, because i wanted to be mediocre. my academic laziness started as a way to piss off my parents, and i am half convinced now that i failed out of college just to prove to them i wasn't some sort of brilliant wunderkind who could cure cancer and fly to the moon at the same time, so they would get off my back and stop riding me into the ground.
and now, i am ashamed of all of that. i feel like i have gotten my wish, and i finally blend completely into the background, and live a life completely devoid of expectations and the accomplishments that accompany them. and worse, i don't know how to reverse it. i don't know how to go back to being the motivated genius, instead of the slaphappy genius. the fact that i can't take action and follow through is some sort of mental block i need to somehow destroy, because it is entirely my creation. it was childish and immature, one more thing from my childhood i need to come to terms with. i may have overcompensated by extolling apathy as a virtue for all of these years. laziness is a viable way of life, and preaching it was the only way to prove it to myself. it has taught me so many things, and allowed me to build a mindset based on my own terms. but should it be sought after as the means, instead of just the pleasant side effect of achievement?
laziness is still the goal. a life completely free of any demands is what i search for, because leaves me free to pursue anything my mind desires. but have i earned it? if i don't have the accomplishments to back it up, and on a related note, don't have the means to make those pursuits a reality, doesn't that leave me entrenched in a cyclic pipe dream of unfulfillable fantasy? isn't that just one more form of self deception?
i swear, i have the most twisted view of sloth on the planet. the thought of earning inactivity through hard work makes me laugh an evil laugh, and tap my fingertips together like mr. burns. my mind has decided it has demons to exorcise. apparently it is time once again to demolish the entrenched habits of my adolescence and rebuild. one thing i can tell you, is that shame is not a healthy emotion, and it is addictive. i have a lot of shame, things i really don't feel like going into here. suffice to say, the past week i have been visiting some things on my own time, and i am sure that is why other things are swirling into focus. i don't want to feel uncomfortable. i don't want to feel like i have to hide from everyone. that is something need to focus on, because hiding from the world is really another way of hiding from myself, devoting more of my energy to deception.
i am no longer content. i can't accept average. i am demanding more of myself. i don't know how it is going to happen. i don't even know how things will be different. maybe i just need a new challenge, something to work on. i just know i am not fully content with my approach to myself. i can do better, and i am going to try and find out how to push myself a little further. i frustrate myself, which tells me there is something i don't agree with inside. so i travel in a different direction, to a different area on the map in my brain to level up and see what else there is to learn, what new monsters i can vanquish and what shiny new objects and skills i can obtain. something is making me uncomfortable, and i need to find out why
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
i feel like i am going in circles here. maybe if i keep attacking the same points from the same direction, maybe something will finally stick due to repetition. the more times i reach the same conclusions from different avenues, the more impact they have i guess. so, i'll keep plugging away, and see what common topic comes up tomorrow. maybe i'll even break new ground, briefly, before it all doubles back.
it all points to progress, i am just antsy. i always want immediate results. if i keep hitting certain things, that is good, because it is in focus, which brings us back to strength, willpower, action, blah blah blah blah
today wasn't the most productive day.
it all points to progress, i am just antsy. i always want immediate results. if i keep hitting certain things, that is good, because it is in focus, which brings us back to strength, willpower, action, blah blah blah blah
today wasn't the most productive day.
hey you. yeah, me, i'm talking to you. i will find a way to speak to you today, and make us understand. i am here, to try and come to terms with you. that is why i am always here, to try and find some common ground between our wild swings. what will help us. that is what i am seeking. what will help us be the person we want to be. so i am speaking to you. i am speaking to both of you. i am speaking to all three of us. me right now, me the person reading this, and me the ultimate goal.
we have done some great work. every time we are here, we dig a little deeper, and hone our craft. we find a little bit more, and the full scope of our internal work becomes just a little more meaningful. but we need to examine this. we need to focus on what we are doing. because we can't, and that makes me think we are coming at this from the wrong direction.
i will bring light to one of our errors. we are always looking for the thing that will fix us, as if there is some neatly packaged answer. we jump from idea to idea, and latch on as if it will save us. we divert so much attention to this new thing, and build it up so much that we can't see anything else. we want to believe that this is all there is, all it will take. just that one new realization that will make everything right and good. but that won't work, and we know it. i think this is linked to our ability to follow through. we build these individual things up so much in our mind. but we know that when they aren't the complete answer, we will have to start all over, and we think this will be a devastating waste.
there is nothing that will complete us, that will make everything fall into place. the full picture is built by these individual pieces. when we do this, chomp down on one single bone, the picture starts stretching, and we lose the rest. we hide everything else from ourselves. we block ourselves out. there is no way that one thing will bring us to terms with ourselves, the provide perfect piece of mind.
this we already know. we don't want to admit this, but we know it. we hide that truth from ourselves. but this isn't exactly covering new territory. what are the real ramifications of this individual revelation. what sort of direction can it give us, besides the obvious trite answer of "pull back further". lets find the path of thought around this idea.
if i am seeking answers, and seeking them frantically enough that i need one thing to save me, what questions am i asking? what do i need to come to terms with. is it failure? it isn't that simple. the real question doesn't have an answer, which is why i haven't found one. closer to the truth, is how can i think and feel like i am so superior to average mean of humanity and still draw failure to me. how can i possibly have nothing to show for it. it rips my mind apart, this dichotomy. i mean, i know i am not superman. i am not exactly divine, but i am not some below average being scraping himself through life. i have tried reaching a happy medium, shooting dead center and being average and mediocre, but that tore me even further. then, i knew i was a failure, and worse it was constant and ever present. so, i switched directions. i sought out first those things that were subhuman in me, which was simply destructive, and made me subhuman, then denied them entirely and sought out only those things that i saw as above the mean, but by ignoring my weaknesses they kept coming to the forefront and amplifying themselves. and, if it were simply a matter of ignoring them both, we wouldn't be here, because i try to live in a blank state lacking thought as much as possible. but i can't shake it. i can't get rid of this. these are where my swings go, from worthless to without error. and it can happen so fast, that i end up hiding from both, searching for the one thing that will make everything even and smooth and end the turmoil.
but it always comes back to that one thing. that i can't be just average. if it were that simple, we would be golden, because i can summon mediocrity effortlessly. to me, it is life without any challenge, stripped of all color and taste. it is impossible for me to accept that. for us to accept that. which is proof that there is more. it is proof that i am not subhuman, and that despite my weaknesses, i am on the right track by firmly planting myself above center. and if i am above center, everything about me should be above average. everything. i need to find those weaknesses, and when i do, i need to yank them back up to my level.
if i am truly a gifted human, someone with a simple talent for life that puts me above the majority, then i need to own that and nurture it instead of using it as an excuse to live in a mediocre manner. skating on that talent brings me back towards the mean, which is probably the source of the feelings of inadequacy. i need to to better. i need to live above my talents, so i am pushing myself. if there is proof, it isn't some crackpot narcissistic idea i have built as a coping mechanism to deal with perceived inadequacy. it is real, and it means i need to adjust my thinking. maybe i do need to start perceiving myself as divine. well, at least start holding my thoughts and actions to some higher standard, so those ugly little things start being shaken out. and when the dirt makes itself clear, i need to stop making excuses for myself. my higher self doesn't have room for arbitrary faults, simple flaws bred out of apathy and laziness. because that is the bar i have set for myself: apathetic and lazy. the fact that i am still above the mean doesn't prove anything, besides the fact that because i have no impact on the world around me despite my talent means i am not coming close to fulfilling my potential.
it is housecleaning, plain and simple. it is keeping my mind in order. no sympathy for the detrimental, no matter how easy it feels. and no sympathy for our strengths, because until we reach the divine, it is not enough and there is still room to grow. oh sweet laziness, it is going to be so hard to let you go. this will not be simple
i am struck by a sudden pang of fear. some things that are swirling in my mind, i have no idea how to begin deconstructing. i don't know if more writing can even help now. i am being hit by the full force of tonight's outcome, and i am at a loss. this is good, it is somewhere to start, but help won't come right now.
we have done some great work. every time we are here, we dig a little deeper, and hone our craft. we find a little bit more, and the full scope of our internal work becomes just a little more meaningful. but we need to examine this. we need to focus on what we are doing. because we can't, and that makes me think we are coming at this from the wrong direction.
i will bring light to one of our errors. we are always looking for the thing that will fix us, as if there is some neatly packaged answer. we jump from idea to idea, and latch on as if it will save us. we divert so much attention to this new thing, and build it up so much that we can't see anything else. we want to believe that this is all there is, all it will take. just that one new realization that will make everything right and good. but that won't work, and we know it. i think this is linked to our ability to follow through. we build these individual things up so much in our mind. but we know that when they aren't the complete answer, we will have to start all over, and we think this will be a devastating waste.
there is nothing that will complete us, that will make everything fall into place. the full picture is built by these individual pieces. when we do this, chomp down on one single bone, the picture starts stretching, and we lose the rest. we hide everything else from ourselves. we block ourselves out. there is no way that one thing will bring us to terms with ourselves, the provide perfect piece of mind.
this we already know. we don't want to admit this, but we know it. we hide that truth from ourselves. but this isn't exactly covering new territory. what are the real ramifications of this individual revelation. what sort of direction can it give us, besides the obvious trite answer of "pull back further". lets find the path of thought around this idea.
if i am seeking answers, and seeking them frantically enough that i need one thing to save me, what questions am i asking? what do i need to come to terms with. is it failure? it isn't that simple. the real question doesn't have an answer, which is why i haven't found one. closer to the truth, is how can i think and feel like i am so superior to average mean of humanity and still draw failure to me. how can i possibly have nothing to show for it. it rips my mind apart, this dichotomy. i mean, i know i am not superman. i am not exactly divine, but i am not some below average being scraping himself through life. i have tried reaching a happy medium, shooting dead center and being average and mediocre, but that tore me even further. then, i knew i was a failure, and worse it was constant and ever present. so, i switched directions. i sought out first those things that were subhuman in me, which was simply destructive, and made me subhuman, then denied them entirely and sought out only those things that i saw as above the mean, but by ignoring my weaknesses they kept coming to the forefront and amplifying themselves. and, if it were simply a matter of ignoring them both, we wouldn't be here, because i try to live in a blank state lacking thought as much as possible. but i can't shake it. i can't get rid of this. these are where my swings go, from worthless to without error. and it can happen so fast, that i end up hiding from both, searching for the one thing that will make everything even and smooth and end the turmoil.
but it always comes back to that one thing. that i can't be just average. if it were that simple, we would be golden, because i can summon mediocrity effortlessly. to me, it is life without any challenge, stripped of all color and taste. it is impossible for me to accept that. for us to accept that. which is proof that there is more. it is proof that i am not subhuman, and that despite my weaknesses, i am on the right track by firmly planting myself above center. and if i am above center, everything about me should be above average. everything. i need to find those weaknesses, and when i do, i need to yank them back up to my level.
if i am truly a gifted human, someone with a simple talent for life that puts me above the majority, then i need to own that and nurture it instead of using it as an excuse to live in a mediocre manner. skating on that talent brings me back towards the mean, which is probably the source of the feelings of inadequacy. i need to to better. i need to live above my talents, so i am pushing myself. if there is proof, it isn't some crackpot narcissistic idea i have built as a coping mechanism to deal with perceived inadequacy. it is real, and it means i need to adjust my thinking. maybe i do need to start perceiving myself as divine. well, at least start holding my thoughts and actions to some higher standard, so those ugly little things start being shaken out. and when the dirt makes itself clear, i need to stop making excuses for myself. my higher self doesn't have room for arbitrary faults, simple flaws bred out of apathy and laziness. because that is the bar i have set for myself: apathetic and lazy. the fact that i am still above the mean doesn't prove anything, besides the fact that because i have no impact on the world around me despite my talent means i am not coming close to fulfilling my potential.
it is housecleaning, plain and simple. it is keeping my mind in order. no sympathy for the detrimental, no matter how easy it feels. and no sympathy for our strengths, because until we reach the divine, it is not enough and there is still room to grow. oh sweet laziness, it is going to be so hard to let you go. this will not be simple
i am struck by a sudden pang of fear. some things that are swirling in my mind, i have no idea how to begin deconstructing. i don't know if more writing can even help now. i am being hit by the full force of tonight's outcome, and i am at a loss. this is good, it is somewhere to start, but help won't come right now.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
i can see what has been happening these last two days. there has been something beneath driving those two posts, and probably the next few posts in the future. i have been trying to figure it out since last night, and now especially since this post followed along the same lines. i think i am figuring it out
i am trying to find a new writing style. a writing style that begins just for me. writing solely for myself, without any need to explain context to anyone else. a way of writing that only i will fully understand, but a way of writing that fully expresses the ideas as they are in my head, so i can explore them and let them expand without trying to force them into smaller box of outside conceptualization.
it is a way i can let my mind explore those things i haven't been able to grasp. to put them on paper. it is an explanation of a larger point of focus, one that goes back to the very purpose of this blog, an exploration of myself, my true self. what is really on my mind, so i can understand it.
how is this going to change my overall writing style? who knows. i will watch it as i continue writing. my hope write now, and my theory is that it will cut out the extraneous, and let me focus on the flow of words inside my head, to find the true story instead of the shades and inflections i can shave off and slap together into something merely passable.
i am trying to find a new writing style. a writing style that begins just for me. writing solely for myself, without any need to explain context to anyone else. a way of writing that only i will fully understand, but a way of writing that fully expresses the ideas as they are in my head, so i can explore them and let them expand without trying to force them into smaller box of outside conceptualization.
it is a way i can let my mind explore those things i haven't been able to grasp. to put them on paper. it is an explanation of a larger point of focus, one that goes back to the very purpose of this blog, an exploration of myself, my true self. what is really on my mind, so i can understand it.
how is this going to change my overall writing style? who knows. i will watch it as i continue writing. my hope write now, and my theory is that it will cut out the extraneous, and let me focus on the flow of words inside my head, to find the true story instead of the shades and inflections i can shave off and slap together into something merely passable.
my immediate future is pretty boring. it will, however, bring a form of closure. processes that have been slowly building will reach a certain finality. it will be me, alone, unfettered by the world around me. my conscious will be cleared, and i will find myself wondering. for a while i will wander around, listless and alone. my thoughts will be consumed by a great nothing. but i have been slowly embracing that nothing, drawing it toward me for as long as i have been awake, as long as the real aware me can remember. i have feared it at times, but have seen the truth it can provide. and once i finally realize it is part of my path, part of my destiny, i will be able to embrace it, and it will set me free.
then it will be me, and the life i have worked towards. just me and the things i have built inside me, without any restraints. external restraints are already bordering on superfluous at this point anyways. it is is the internal restraints that this will wash away. i will be sitting, alone, my life finally devoid of the outside influence i bemoan. i will question my choices, my life, and my individual self, because that is all that will be left. i will face myself, and begin again. i will walk forward, and take the first real meaningful step toward my true future, the future i have built, the future that is meant for me.
this chapter will close. this book will close. it will be a new beginning. that is the immediate future. this will happen very soon. i know because i have seen it. i have been preparing for it for a long time now, my meeting with myself. i have clung to the things around me because i was afraid for myself, what would happen to me when this day has finally come. i have stared into the nothingness and cried because i didn't yet have the strength to face it. but it is a part of me. it is what i need to come to terms with. inside the black is me, and only me. i have always approached it with the influence the world has on me wrapped around my shoulders like a blanket for protection, which is why i can't see inside. to the rest of the world, including the part of me derived from that world, it is just a void, a schism, a singularity. it is anti-reality, which is why i haven't been able to face it.
but the last safety nets, all of those things i cling to will soon be gone. the rest of the world will be gone, and it will just be me and the void. i will walk up to the edge, and for a moment i will disappear, and i will see the truth. no one will notice when i leave, and no one will notice when i return. they will not see that i have changed, because to them i won't have. the things i see will be imperceptible to them, so they won't know a thing.
and me? at first things will be the same for me as well. at first i won't even remember what happened inside this alternate reality. it will be too much for me to immediately comprehend. as i continue forward, i will simply notice the changes in me as they begin to happen, the changes in my thought and actions. and i will know. i will know, because i know right now it is going to happen. i can look back on this moment, and realize what happened. there will be nothing to accidentally overlook. nothing to slip my notice. because i have always known what will happen. it will be a simple realization, and i will be relieved, because it has finally come to pass, and the events leading to this point will all have been worth it.
the events in motion right now are all leading to this. i can't say exactly when, because it doesn't work like that. my perception of time is too fluid to pinpoint things exactly. if i tried, it wouldn't work, because that refusal of exactness is where my vision comes from. but i have seen what will happen. i have seen what i have to let come to pass. i can't fight things, and this will leave me completely alone inside, which is exactly what i have always needed, and always feared. it will stretch my strength. it will force me to face the things i have buried inside. but it will not break me. i cannot be broken. and because of that, i will emerge from this stronger than i have ever been.
i have seen who i have become, i have always seen. at times i have thought it would never happen, that i would never see myself realized, and it has almost torn me apart. but it is the source of hope inside of me. it is my strength. it won't be a change to strengthen myself. there won't be a fix, there won't be some grand new scheme to set me down the path. it will be a simple realization of self. a further combining of me and my ego, of me and the inner truth that drives me forward. it will simply be another new start. i will lift myself onto a new plane inside. my scope will broaden, and a whole new world of self-perception and growth will be open to me.
on the outside, my immediate future is boring. there won't be any cosmetic changes, any advancement of my lot. not yet, not to the common perception. but with me, that is never the whole story. you can never judge what is happening to me by what you see of me, and what you hear from my mouth. those are just trappings. just a figment of my imagination. trifles my mind choses to conjure for the its own amusement to entertain a mob. they are just a window. that is what everything beyond me will never be able to understand.
then it will be me, and the life i have worked towards. just me and the things i have built inside me, without any restraints. external restraints are already bordering on superfluous at this point anyways. it is is the internal restraints that this will wash away. i will be sitting, alone, my life finally devoid of the outside influence i bemoan. i will question my choices, my life, and my individual self, because that is all that will be left. i will face myself, and begin again. i will walk forward, and take the first real meaningful step toward my true future, the future i have built, the future that is meant for me.
this chapter will close. this book will close. it will be a new beginning. that is the immediate future. this will happen very soon. i know because i have seen it. i have been preparing for it for a long time now, my meeting with myself. i have clung to the things around me because i was afraid for myself, what would happen to me when this day has finally come. i have stared into the nothingness and cried because i didn't yet have the strength to face it. but it is a part of me. it is what i need to come to terms with. inside the black is me, and only me. i have always approached it with the influence the world has on me wrapped around my shoulders like a blanket for protection, which is why i can't see inside. to the rest of the world, including the part of me derived from that world, it is just a void, a schism, a singularity. it is anti-reality, which is why i haven't been able to face it.
but the last safety nets, all of those things i cling to will soon be gone. the rest of the world will be gone, and it will just be me and the void. i will walk up to the edge, and for a moment i will disappear, and i will see the truth. no one will notice when i leave, and no one will notice when i return. they will not see that i have changed, because to them i won't have. the things i see will be imperceptible to them, so they won't know a thing.
and me? at first things will be the same for me as well. at first i won't even remember what happened inside this alternate reality. it will be too much for me to immediately comprehend. as i continue forward, i will simply notice the changes in me as they begin to happen, the changes in my thought and actions. and i will know. i will know, because i know right now it is going to happen. i can look back on this moment, and realize what happened. there will be nothing to accidentally overlook. nothing to slip my notice. because i have always known what will happen. it will be a simple realization, and i will be relieved, because it has finally come to pass, and the events leading to this point will all have been worth it.
the events in motion right now are all leading to this. i can't say exactly when, because it doesn't work like that. my perception of time is too fluid to pinpoint things exactly. if i tried, it wouldn't work, because that refusal of exactness is where my vision comes from. but i have seen what will happen. i have seen what i have to let come to pass. i can't fight things, and this will leave me completely alone inside, which is exactly what i have always needed, and always feared. it will stretch my strength. it will force me to face the things i have buried inside. but it will not break me. i cannot be broken. and because of that, i will emerge from this stronger than i have ever been.
i have seen who i have become, i have always seen. at times i have thought it would never happen, that i would never see myself realized, and it has almost torn me apart. but it is the source of hope inside of me. it is my strength. it won't be a change to strengthen myself. there won't be a fix, there won't be some grand new scheme to set me down the path. it will be a simple realization of self. a further combining of me and my ego, of me and the inner truth that drives me forward. it will simply be another new start. i will lift myself onto a new plane inside. my scope will broaden, and a whole new world of self-perception and growth will be open to me.
on the outside, my immediate future is boring. there won't be any cosmetic changes, any advancement of my lot. not yet, not to the common perception. but with me, that is never the whole story. you can never judge what is happening to me by what you see of me, and what you hear from my mouth. those are just trappings. just a figment of my imagination. trifles my mind choses to conjure for the its own amusement to entertain a mob. they are just a window. that is what everything beyond me will never be able to understand.
Friday, June 08, 2007
i haven't even thought of writing until now. i even had to root around through blogger to fix some template stuff and try to get into my site's ftp now that i have a new computer and don't have all of those names and passwords memorized. that post had to stay. it had to be there. it is my favorite post so far, period.
but now i am back. i have been living the future this past week. i have seen things that could happen. you know what? every time i see things and then work to change them, i end up with the burden of the new future i have made squarely on my shoulders. everyone who it has impacted has become my responsibility. if i keep them in the dark, and eventually they are blind-sided the full scope of events, it is on me, because i am the one who shifted things out of their focus. but, if i tell them, i am responsible for all of the damage i watch them do based on that knowledge. some people see beyond themselves, but most people can't help themselves. sometimes i can't help myself.
so, i don't take that responsibility. no matter what falls apart, i will come out unscathed because i can see it before it happens. somethings have to collapse. the more i try to shoulder, the bigger the collapse becomes. i will shoulder what i need to, but i see no need to take things on to protect other people from the inevitable, especially if i can't even warn them beforehand. then it is double duty, taking their things on myself while trying to keep them unaware.
things need to fall apart. i shouldn't facilitate that, but i can't stop it. well, i can, but only with a constant effort. eventually i have to shrug it off, or never be free of it. so, eventually it will collapse, because i am not a fool. i know my end. my angle is always something more. every piece has a place, but it is just one piece. i always have multiple bases holding me up. i have multiple time frames i am straddling. take down one leg, and i float forward or backwards to something else. knocking out and nullifying the sequence of events during one stretch doesn't erase the flow of the story surrounding it. that is why i will not collapse. there is no knocking me down. yes, i am am still vulnerable. you can destroy me for moments in my life, that is solid, undeniable fact. the access i give the rest of the world leaves me open to that much power over me. you can take down a segment of my efforts, but you can never get all of me. i am a collection, an infinite array of myself through time. i don't live just in that moment. i am there, in every moment, but that is not the only place i am. i am everywhere, or more to the fact, i am there through all of the moments. they are all mine, and they are all me, and i control them all i can see them all.
taking responsibility for that portion of other people's time takes the focus of my path through that same time period. i don't have to shoulder that, just because i can see things go wrong. the world is not mine to control. i just claim my world.
but now i am back. i have been living the future this past week. i have seen things that could happen. you know what? every time i see things and then work to change them, i end up with the burden of the new future i have made squarely on my shoulders. everyone who it has impacted has become my responsibility. if i keep them in the dark, and eventually they are blind-sided the full scope of events, it is on me, because i am the one who shifted things out of their focus. but, if i tell them, i am responsible for all of the damage i watch them do based on that knowledge. some people see beyond themselves, but most people can't help themselves. sometimes i can't help myself.
so, i don't take that responsibility. no matter what falls apart, i will come out unscathed because i can see it before it happens. somethings have to collapse. the more i try to shoulder, the bigger the collapse becomes. i will shoulder what i need to, but i see no need to take things on to protect other people from the inevitable, especially if i can't even warn them beforehand. then it is double duty, taking their things on myself while trying to keep them unaware.
things need to fall apart. i shouldn't facilitate that, but i can't stop it. well, i can, but only with a constant effort. eventually i have to shrug it off, or never be free of it. so, eventually it will collapse, because i am not a fool. i know my end. my angle is always something more. every piece has a place, but it is just one piece. i always have multiple bases holding me up. i have multiple time frames i am straddling. take down one leg, and i float forward or backwards to something else. knocking out and nullifying the sequence of events during one stretch doesn't erase the flow of the story surrounding it. that is why i will not collapse. there is no knocking me down. yes, i am am still vulnerable. you can destroy me for moments in my life, that is solid, undeniable fact. the access i give the rest of the world leaves me open to that much power over me. you can take down a segment of my efforts, but you can never get all of me. i am a collection, an infinite array of myself through time. i don't live just in that moment. i am there, in every moment, but that is not the only place i am. i am everywhere, or more to the fact, i am there through all of the moments. they are all mine, and they are all me, and i control them all i can see them all.
taking responsibility for that portion of other people's time takes the focus of my path through that same time period. i don't have to shoulder that, just because i can see things go wrong. the world is not mine to control. i just claim my world.
