bwllalalllaagggh. there must be something that needs to be purged today. something that can be written, and forgotten about moments later, only to be unearthed years later and pondered in a fit of boredom. what will entertain me years in the future? well future, me tell me a little bit about yourself.

you are 28. you are still 6'4. you hair is greyer. you are an international mob boss, and arms dealing kingpin! you can topple buildings with a snap of your fingers! you have leveled las vegas, and erected a brand new town based on darkness and black and white contrast, where the only lights are uv and infrared, those wavelengths just beyond the spectrum of visible light. tourists only see the accentuation of things, but don't quite know what they are seeing, or why things are coming into focus. in a strange twist, the town has become an even larger orgy of sex, drugs, and everything debauch. maybe this was your intend all along. the new slogan has become "what happens in vegas can't even be seen." the eyes of the locals have slowly adjusted, and the new evolved vegasites have built a giant blackmailing sceme, run by your underlings.

but that is just one town. you have built a new city above seattle. you have named it hiseattle, and after buying the united nations, have declared that everything 10 miles above the surface of the earth is exempt from earthbound laws, national or international. the world rejoices as small packages of marijuana fall from the sky. with no one to prosecute, the nations of earth have declared the drug legal. thus, guerilla lawmaking is born. others try to mimic your political model, but because these others are politicians and their hanger-ons, their skyborn towns plummet to the ground after the majority of their budget is earmarked for kickbacks and payoffs. the citizens are obviously outraged, and politicians are forced to denounce themselves. the world is on the verge of implosion, until on election day you descend from your perch, and declare yourself an eligible candidate. after the international skygate scandal, all politicians are now convicted felons, and thereby inelligible. you score a landslide write in victory, beating bart simpson and school sucks by several percentage points. with unlimited power in your grasp, you fly back up to your seat in hiseattle to watch.

without anything to control them, people go about their lives how they see fit. they dream dreams, and follow them. they race fancy cars down the interstate, and help eachother out of the ensuing burning wreckage. without cliches to follow, people stop locking up their daughters to the benefit of everyone. some people even learn to fly.

but some people can't take their new freedom. the crave their old life, where their freedom was given to them by force. so from time to time, you come back to earth, and make vague statements like "all true patriots volunteer their time to rebuild our great world," and "those who truely love liberty will work tirelessly for a better earth." those in need of hardline guidance happily go about their days hauling wheelbarrows full of debris off the old roads, and picking up litter. political parties form into cheap labor crews, who do the grunt work for the rest of the world. freed from the realistic shackles of a logistical world by those who formerly chained them to the inane, the new independent citizenship enters a new renaissance, a period of unparalleled progress in every field. soon, real cities to rival hiseattle are born, and civilization stretches toward the heavens. the old patriots scoff behind their hands and wallow in their good fortune, quoting the great grand-president harding. "Those who love freedom and earth will strive to be one with her." while civilization begins to spread into the vastness of space, the remain citizens of earth consolidate their powers and form The Patriots for Freer Liberty. they form primitave communities made from mud and agricultural waste, and when they aren't working in their building crews, they spend their time debating who is the closest relative of the original earth. with their food provided to them by their employers, and with their own television stations run by the PFL, they have no need for rest of the earth. slowly, earth is reincoorporated into the new galactic federation. The PFL is officially recognized, and its members are free at any time to leave their labor gangs and join the rest of society without any punishments or stigmas attached to their past. these people are seen as traitors by the PFL, and are used as object lessons by the other members, examples of what happens when your patriotism wanes.

and so, through a freak set of circumstances that somehow nullifies the vast powerbase of idiocy-based of extremism, you save the human race. even the animals rejoice. sharks promise not to kill innocent beachgoers. tiny dogs vow to never bark endlessly for no reason, and cats finally stop acting like they are entirely superior, and look at humans as equals. birds rejoice, as they finally now have someone with a brain larger than a shelled peanut to fly around with.

and your goal? the famed international smoke ring, a space bong that takes three billion people to light and draw. once it is lit, it ignites a solid weed core at plasma-level temperatures. it burns forever without any waste, and the specially treated materials lining the inside of the ring ensure the smoke inside never goes stale. renaissance indeed.*

*i am required to note that it has been a week since i have partaken in any way, shape or form. that even includes alcohol. i am as sober as a newborn's ass, and not some crackbaby newborn. a morman newborn. dwell on that, and never, NEVER, underestimate the power of the international smoke ring.

frivved up by Ben at 10:05 PM

i feel exhausted, but i will force myself to write. i can barely concentrate, but there has to be something in reserve. there has to be something underneath that i can force to the surface. i need to persevere, to find the inner well of energy and to excercise it. it needs to grow as well.

physically, i am lacking. my body has been reduced to the bare essentials. i can go about three days without eating before i start losing focus. last time i tried to ignore that fact, it got me hit in the face with a racquetball. you know, i was spent. i was already losing my strength. i could barely concentrate on the walls around me, it was taking all of my focus to hit the ball, and i couldn't even get it the 10 feet to the wall in front of me. i was glad to be taken out of the game. it is a sorry thing to have to admit, but i was glad that i couldn't see straight and i had an excuse to quit. i can learn a few things, but first and foremost i need to take care of my body. if i am going to exert myself, i need to be running at close to full strength. my mind uses the same energy my body does, so if i don't eat, or i don't sleep, i am not going to be running at full capacity. it is the stupid things i do, the lazy things that i am going to have to work on. i can't push myself for three weeks before buying food living on popcorn and m&m's as my only source of food. this may be obvious, but my passive-efficient approach to life inevitably takes me down this road about every two months when my food runs out. it doesn't have to, i am just lazy. i try to justify it by saying i am saving money, but that is a half truth. the frugalness is a fringe benefit, not the original purpose. it isn't even that shopping takes me long, or that i get that much. it is just that i don't feel like doing it. a lot of things are like that. this is going to have to be part of the plan. i am going to have to work this into the routine. i am going to have to eat at least twice everyday. that will be plenty. that will be above and beyond my normal routine. i am also going to have to excercise. i have already started my stretching routine back up. taking it further than that won't really be necessary, but we will see. running a few times a week couldn't hurt. my stretching serves a dual purpose. it is almost meditative. i go through the same motions in the same order every day, so i can just let my mind float away. i try not to focus on anything. i try not to let outside thoughts of work creep back in. they inevitably do, but they never catch hold. after 30 seconds or so, i will be on to the next thing, and whatever i was focusing on slips away again.

these two things will be a start. they will be other additions to the routine to keep things on the right track. it sounds so healthy. when i look at it, the edges of my stamina don't really need to be pushed. if anything, i need to let that stamina replentish so i can use it, instead of running on empty constantly. just another set of weights to take off. i don't know what i am going to do with myself, running at full capacity. it should make everything easier. work, writing, everything. well, nothing is going to make work easier. half the time when things are simple, i will be able to tune it out. the other half of the time, when things are just soul draining like today, i am going to have to compartmentalize, and force it out of my head. i am going to have to show up, go about my business, and then set it aside. living alone, i only have myself to comiserate with, so hopefully it will be easier than it has been in the past. it is still tough, since i have a tendency to let work get under my skin. there has to be a way. hopefully having something to accomplish at home will help that, something else to focus on so i am not dwelling on the day that just finished, and what is going to happen tomorrow. it will be aggrevating at first. i know i am going to feel like i have no free time, and that work is too much, but i feel like that now. i can come home and sit down and do nothing for four hours straight, and still feel like i don't have enough time to myself. having something to do can only help me. i will be a welcome respite.

god damn, i have unfinished business. racquetball last time was a waste of time. i wasted ryan's time. i am getting better. when i can keep my composure, and keep my attention on the game, i can play on an equal level. but i let it slip away, and it takes a while to get everything back under control. there are simple ways to combat this. there is no need to run along the brink all day long. it doesn't really prove anything.

frivved up by Ben at 9:14 PM

that is what i am seeing, the return of my voice. i feel like i am no longer constantly hunting for the right words. i am just letting the ideas flow until something is a little off, then search for the right word. you all know that feeling, when you are sitting there trying to figure out exactly what you are trying to say, but it just won't come. that feeling annoys me, and sometimes i challenge that feeling to a fault. but it is fading away. over the past week i have slowly been able to build back up that ability to write without pause, to let my instincts find the right words until i am already past them, searching for others to further strengthen them.

i know it is apparent. i can imagine only ryan has been reading, but it doesn't take a rocket surgeon to recognize the command that has returned to my typed voice. i am stating things as fact first, instead of trying to explain and apologize before the idea has even been proposed. if something needs clarification, provide it afterwords. but if something can stand on its own, let it bask in its own crapulence. it was missing, and it is stronger now that i have gained more perspective. it always grows. always. it surprises me

frivved up by Ben at 8:25 PM

oops, somehow i managed to miss another day. anyways, we'll boot up again. my p is working, my ' is working, so i am golden. who knows what their deal is.

so, if my characters need to be strong, strike that, if 'i' need to be strong, what exactly does that mean. what traits am i looking for in myself to channel through them. the first thing that springs into mind is an individual sense of morality. not infalliable, because that makes for a boring story, but an adherence to a set of ideals they don't fully grasp, but that grow into a fufilling way of life. a logical set of ideas that they stick to, because they believe in it. it will cause problems, but they will be mostly interpersonal problems. and when they cause real problems, external problems based on faulty information or faulty rationale, it gives them a chance to deconstruct and grow. that will be something fun to go through. those will be the parts that really draw from me specifically. they will need a determination. an unwavering focus on the goal at hand. if they get captured or fooled, it will because they are going up against someone stronger than themselves, and they will need to find away to overcome that obstacle. which brings us to another main tenet, an constant need to grow. every weakness they find, they will turn into a strength. they will not be able to abide something holding them back. it is fun to think about things in terms of scale. when you turn a weakness into a strength, it impacts your overall ability in two ways. you get a dual upgrade, you don't have something holding you back, and you have something new to push you forward. they will need to be able to draw strength from themselves as an individual alone, but also have the compassion and awareness to recognize other people's attentions. they will not be able to do things alone, and spurning someone's attempts to help your cause is a sure way to make an enemy. this will make them natural leaders, which means they will need to balance humility with the pride they have in their abilities. they will need to exude enough strength to draw people too them without becoming arrogant to the point that it skews their common sense. they will also need to grow strong enough to learn restraint, so they don't simply turn into killing machines, but they will be thrown into a life of blood and war, which means to survive they will need to find the resolve to focus on the immediate and brutal defeat of the enemy when fighting is the only option.

phew, that is a nice little list to begin with. there are plenty of core things to build a foundation upon, and plenty of grey areas to find a balance. you can almost feel the mental trials they put themselves through while trying to find the right path through life, when they realize there isn't a black and white answer to everything. it is a start. it is a fairly stereotypical hero-like list, but it is something. it gives them plenty of room to make mistakes, which is i think what building a character is all about. how they overcome their mistakes and grow into a true character based on their experiences. i don't want to know exactly who these people are when i start writing. i want to have a good idea, because i know what i am going to put them through, but i want to wait and see the real outcome of these events, and how they effect their immediate future, and what solutions they find to the specific problems. because i don't have all of that, how could i, at this point?

yah, ? works too. booyah.

i wanted to keep that relatively short, and i did, so i could move on to something not entirely strength related. but now, i realize that this train of thought has been completely dominating my brain lately. these books span several time periods, so the main characters all have some sort of connection to the others. there is a lot built through heritage and liniage. the first text doc i ever started when i decided it would help to get things down on paper had this little paragraph saying something to the effect of "these are the stories of my offspring." i am a major character in these books. i am the narrator, and the absolute being in this world if you will. but more importantly, i am also the original bloodline of these characters, in a sense. that is how i have been looking at it for a few years now, these are my children. i have to watch them grow as individuals, even if they are a part of me. so, my characters are all similar, but they all have very different personalities at this point, because i have had to kind of let them go, and get away from having them all act exactly how i would. so i can watch their traits build, because some of it is genetically linked to me. they are hardcoded to be a certain way because as the creations of my mind, they share my essence. they will struggle against that, and build their own ways, but in the end, they will all end up being drawn back to me, and end up similar to me, just as i am similar to my parents, and their parents, etc. it could be a traumatic experience, but fortunately i know they will ultimately succeed, because i have the power to make it true.

this is why i can't stop searching for answers right now. i need to know that they have the capability to be strong. they need to grow into that strength by basing themselves on various parts of my personality, and if i start them down the wrong path from the beginning, it will end up telling the wrong stories. luckily, i already see strength in all of them. that is the thing, i see them as possessing more strength than i do, which makes me wonder where exactly it comes from. it is partially a selfish endeavor, because if i can create these strong, passionate characters out of versions of myself, i can find the wells of power that grew them inside of me somewhere. i just need to draw the patterns back inside of me, start reverse engineering these ideas until they string themselves back into my head. in need to find the original impetus for these ideas, kind of like my characters will be doing. it is another positive impact of the way i have let this writing process evolve. by believing in the ideas before i completely understood them, by allowing these events to string themselves together, and finding ways for the characters to guide them and cause them, i can deconstruct the patterns, and find the core ideals, the universal values that propel the story. since these stories are entirely mine, and guided by me, universal translates back to personal.

i have always searched inside myself for answers. i should have realized what a tool this would be a long time ago. i may have learned more about myself from these stories i have created than anything else, without really realizing it by incoorporating the ideas and imagery i see as important into one larger train of though. in the end, it will be the epitomy of what i believe and like, my epitomy of cool, my epitomy of strong, my epitomy of love, my epitomy of pain, my epitomy of life up to this point. i don't need proof of this anymore. i know this is true. i can just see myself now, and what i have gained since i started this whole process, and realize what i have gained and how it has effected me. i knew this was important to me, but somehow now after years of attention, i am realizing just how important to me it is. it seems predestined. it seems meant to be, for me to find these things in myself now, as i find myself in the most ideal situation to make this happen i have been in since the process began.

every day i write invigorates me. every day i see my inner voice, the voice that everyone who has ever read anything i have written was ultimately attracted to. there is something undeniable in my writing style. it definitely changes in degree, but when it reaches its peaks, the words don't even matter anymore, because the ideas i am holding in my mind come into total focus, and are portrayed so simply and completely that they are impossible to ignore, and undeniably mine. i think it is one of my greatest strength, my ability to put things down on the page in a way people can understand. it is such a great feeling, when i hold that voice in my head, when the ideas are ringing so clear that my fingers can't keep up. and as much as this is true for other people who are reading, the effect is infinitely larger on my own brain. i can go back and read things, and remember exactly how i was feeling. i can pull all of the inflection, all of the subtle hidden meanings out of blank text. i know how i think. so as much as i am writing these books for other people, the ultimate goal of these books is that moment that i get to read it from front to back myself, and completely and utterly dissolve back into that world, into a story that was built solely to entertain me. that is what i crave. that is my motivation. this is where i am drawing my strength. today is a beautiful day.

frivved up by Ben at 7:19 PM

so why? why the frantic need to become stronger. why am i always striving, always searching for a way to be better? why now, why does the simple act of writing require strength? why isn't simple effort enough? because these books are my strength, and these books are a compliation of my dreams. i am basing these characters on myself, and to me, these characters have become the sum of my strengths. they start from a point prior to my own strength, and end at a point beyond. they are my journey through life toward my ultimate goal.

and past that self exploration, they are my study of divinity. i am showing the creation of a god, and the world that he builds. i am showing his heritage, his ascension, and his reign as something more. if there is something beyond, such a thing as the divine, it is possible for us to reach those heights. that is the statement i am trying to make. that is what i want to believe. that is the basis behind these stories, to follow these people's rise into the heavens.

i am not strong enough to understand what could be ahead of us. i need to keep growing in order to see. i am using the trials i am going to put my characters through as my own experiences. when i write, i go inside the story and observe. i don't sit there and create the details, i just follow and comment on what pops out of the background. everything that happens, i will have experienced. it will bring me strength and perspective that i can only brush upon at this point. it will be my rite of passage, it will accellerate my growth, and show me new things about myself that will serve as the new foundation to build on.

and yet, at this point it is still all talk. i have all of this strength i am already trying to draw on that is still potential. i am hovering in the air, waiting for gravity to pull me down, and turn that energy into something real. i am finding the strength to start this pattern of growth. i need to solidify my foundation now, so things won't collapse. and most importantly i need to trust myself. what is holding me back, what holds us all back is the fear of failure. fear that something we want to believe in isn't true. so we hold ourselves back. we avoid looking for the proof that could strengthen us because we are scared of what will happen if we end up being proven wrong.

that is what i am changing. that is what i am doing. i am removing that fear. i am building my courage, and launching myself down the path i have seen, and positioned myself before. it is something that hasn't been absolutely necessary, forcing myself into action, so i have never gone through with it. not just in a book sense, but in a total sense. i have never been in a position where it was necessary to force myself into action. i have always had enough outs that i have been able to let myself slide. but this time, i won't. i am taking off the weights and testing my current capabilities. i want to see what the sum of my strength is now. i want to push those boundaries inside of myself, and watch myself grow even more, and more rapidly than i have in the past. because i know i can, and i have the reasons, and even the means. i just need action. and for action, i need to tap into the courage i have never really reached for in earnest. i need to demand it work for me, instead of waiting for it to manifest itself on its own. it is a part of me, and therefore mine to use and control. it is responding to my call. these posts are its awakening

frivved up by Ben at 10:50 PM

first an update. my computer situation was worse than i thought. when my motherboard died, it took my main hard drive with it. i lost pretty much everything. so, i am still limping along on this old 98 laptop. all the keys dont work, like the apostrophe, the zero, the p button. ive chose to keep the p button as the one i have permanently copied, because i use it a lot, apparrently (look, there were two in that one!. oh, and i cant close out parenthese anymore. i was hoping to be back in business by now, but i am not. hopefully next week. i guess i cant do question marks either. crap. this is really a pain in the ass.

back to strength and planning.

if you havent noticed what i am trying to do yet, ill let you in. this little experiment has two goals. first, and foremost, it is to get back into the swing of writing regularly, without the need for constant pauses to collect my words. it needs to be quick and natural like it used to be. i needed the break from my own thoughts, and that period without internet was exactly that. but my writing did atrophy, but it is something that always comes back quickly.

the second and main goal is to find the strength to actually bring my book into the world. it wasnt what i started off looking for, but it became obvious as things progressed. i was looking for strength on a more conceptual level, but everything has pointed me squarely toward my book. the whole bit about fiction, the bits about the one idea, the bits about planning. they were broad ideas that came organically, but i realize what they mean, and the what the end result is working toward. it is time to stop dancing around it, and actually start moving ahead. i need a plan, a firm guideline that is going to start my book. i am thinking we will start with 6 months, and see where that will take me. the goal is to get through the first section, which is 12 chapters. i guessing it will turn into about 2OO pages in my word document.

here is what i need before i start. i need my computer up and running. this is more than just a keyboard thing, i need my music catalog back. i have a new hard drive and some new ram on the way, which should take care of the hardware issue. i also need an operating system, since my copy of ryans windows 2OOO has been freed from its years of forced bondage in my stack of system disks. ill also need to get office back, but that is easily downloadable once i have my os up and running. i can either borrow ryans again, or find someone at work to lend me a copy. hell, i bet my parents even have a copy of xp laying around. hopefully by next weekend, that part will be all squared away.

this gives me a week to get my little ducklings in a row. the first part of this planning is easy. i have all the numbers already, i just need to break it down. lets say i write 6 days a week, taking fridays off. that works out to about 25 days a month, but knowing myself i wont be completely productive each day. so between 2O and 25 days a month, to get to 2OO pages, i need around 1.5 pages every time i sit down and write. sounds ok so far. each week, ill have 4 week days and 2 weekend days to work, to produce around 9 pages. lets say 2 hours each weekday, and 4 hours each weekend day devoted to writing. this is time i have. i spend more time than that every day just sitting around doing nothing. just to make things easy, lets say i spend 15 hours a week to write 1O pages. 6 months is about 25 weeks, which works out to about 25O pages. this gives me room for error, room for editing, and room for expansion when things ultimately go better than i think.

so, we will use this as basis to start from. the logistics of the plan. i am intentionally trying to lowball how willing i will be to work. i am privately hoping i hit a groove, and end up writing more than i think i will, because i also know there will be a flipside, times where things just arent coming together, and there isnt much progress. which is why it is important to have the goals planned out, so on the whole i can keep things on track.

so, 2 hours, 1.5 pages a day. 15 hours, 1O pages a week. 6O hours, 4O pages a month.

a chapter down every two weeks is the goal.

in the meantime, i will stay working, and keep saving. ideally, i will come out of the next 6 months with around $5OOO in my bank account and 12 chapters of my book. my ultimate goal is to quit my job and write full time. i figure i will be able to devote at least 3 times as much time to writing if i dont have the stress of my job now. so, absolute best case scenario, i quit my job in 6 months, spend 6 months writing and come out of the next year pennyless with my book completed under my own power and financing. worst case scenario, i work at my job for 2 years and come out with substantial savings, and my book finished still under my own power and financing. this will give me significant bargaining power once i do try to find a publisher.

what scares me about finding a publisher is being cut out of the profits. i am afraid they are going to offer me a lump sum of say $2OOOO to write it, and then keep all the proceeds for themselves. that sounds fairly attractive, especially with this being my first book. the chances are slim that it is going to be a hit. but i plan on making a very very large sum of money out of these books. so if i can set a precident early of being in with a percentage from the very start, i think it is important to do so. because $2OOOO a book isnt nearly the money i am thinking of. if i can go to them with a manuscript and say i have this already. this isnt a speculative venture, this is already close to fully realized, i have the power to find someone else. hell, i have the power to publish it myself if it comes to that. i mean, i already know who my ideal publisher is. if this book turns into what i think it is going to, i know who i am going to try to go to. i am not sure how i am even going to get a meeting with them, but the manuscript should speak for itself. i welcome the idea of having an editor, but not someone trying to control my content, which is another reason i would like a chance to finish it all on my own, and put my vision down before i let anyone see it. i hope to make it very clear that i know what i want, and that i believe in what i am doing. i need them to be able to trust me to write my books how i see them, without guidance or outside stimulation.

anyways, i am floating a little too far into the future. it is important to keep this stuff in the back of my mind though, to keep the end game clear to me. what i need to focus on now is the next 6 months. they are the beginning i have been looking for. i have the logistics down, and i have a week to work out the logistics of the story. how to break it up into tasty writeable morsels so i can keep myself on track. i have this next week while i am waiting for my computer to get everything together, and focus on building my strength. i have the goal, i have the beginnings of my plan, i just need to complete it and then find the willpower to propel myself through. it is eminently feasible though. it isnt exactly rocket science. the way things are broken down here, there is nothing that really stretches my abilities, or pushes things too far. i mean, what is 2 hours. that is nothing for people like us. it provides an easily accomplishable goal for each day, then each week, then each month. it doesnt go too far into the future, and will end with a sizeable outcome. 2OO pages is no small feat, that is a nice piece of realestate to be working with.

frivved up by Ben at 9:36 PM

i'm getting an earlier start today. my netflix came in, and i need to get cracking. but anyways, today may be the real start. tuesday was the current state of things, and me overcoming my apathy towards growth. yesterday explored my misgivings, and overcoming my angst towards growth. which brings us back to the core of the whole deal, what am i really searching for? how is this going to help me, and what do i need to achieve.

i need motivation. i need the impetus to move forward, the nudge out the door to propel me into action. that is the start. the beginning of everything. that is the main thing i lack, the ambition to be strong. i see what i want to happen, and even see how things could happen, i just can't start. i just can't commit to my goals, and the knowledge that the effort will need to be mine. i am still waiting for things to be handed to me, and happen by themselves. i think my plans need to be crystalized. you know, it makes sense now that i am thinking about it. one of my great strengths is my ability to plan things out. to visualize a way for things to happen that will achieve the goal at hand. i can see problems before they arise, and have ways to overcome them. i guess i am still rebelling against that side of me. i want to believe in my flexibility, when that flexibility is really derived from my ability to already know what is going to happen. i am a flexible person, but it isn't something i truely excel at. it just seems that way because i have pre-adapted to situations, and sometimes that blurs my opinion of what really happened. i have prepared for such and such things, so i know exactly when things veer off course and it is time for new action. if i rely on that ability to find new action without having the path in my mind, i am just going in circles, zig-zagging around and wasting energy, which is something my mind simply cannot tolerate. so when it is wasteful, and there isn't forward movement, it shuts everything down and goes into a holding pattern that uses no energy until there is something to work toward.

so that is what i need to work toward. a plan for the beginning of things. i have the path to travel once things are rolling, but i need to extend it back, and ultimately forward to the end. because i can see now that i will come to the same problems eventually, spiralling around unable to actually finish anything, which will end up being the biggest waste of all.

but first things first. there needs to be a plan at the beginning. a set of steps to start the ball rolling. a series of events that are so easy and straight forward that my mind can follow them without feeling like its energy is being wasted. it is really one of the main things i am missing, the ability to start my own processes. throw me in the middle of something, and i will break it down into the most efficient set of principles, and keep propelling things forward, gaining momentum, until i realize i am working toward something i don't believe in because it isn't mine and stop, at which point things come crashing to a halt. but if it is my own, and the momentum keeps building and i am moving towards an endgame i have envisioned... this is something i dream of. but first i need to create something that is mine. i can't rely on a predetermined path to wander down. i can't be thrown into the middle, because i will never be fully committed to something i don't have a stake in.

it is a big part of my vision of fractal business growth. offshoot programs led by people with their own vision, to promote them to grow on their own strenght in concert with my own. it is about helping people start the ball rolling to achieve their goals. if i am going to do this, i need to find it how to do it myself. the onus is on me. i am realizing that now. all my theorizing is just that, theory until i can prove that it can work, and do the legwork myself to figure out how to make it feasible. only then will i be able to give a solid example of how things can work, and helping them refine that example into something that reflects their own personal vision.

and that is what i need to do. i need to start with one plan, one idea. i can't start with an attempt to have all of my plans happen at the same time. i can't expect to jump into the middle with everything already in motion. i need to plan one thing. i need to start with one idea and turn it into a functioning project. and i need to bring it to conclusion before i can have the model i hope to build everything around. i know the first time will be the hardest. it will take the most planning, the most preadaptability. i need to start by planning from the very beginning, and keep planning forward until it has a momentum of its own, and it aligns itself with the path that i already have envisioned. i have been trying to skip a step. i missed the extra x in x^2. i have been trying to approach the momentum i need from a velocity stand point. you need an initial velocity before there can be a change. there needs to be movement to begin with, or you are just multiplying by zero.

frivved up by Ben at 7:13 PM

see, here is what i am talking about. i spent all night avoiding this post. i wanted nothing more than to break the experiment. i wanted it to fail. why? i have no respect. no respect for people, no respect for the world around me, and no respect for myself because i am a part of it. this is what i think. this is what tears me back and forth, whether i am failing because i am apart from the world, or failing because i am trying to help it. i see no chance for success. but there is respect. respect exists. respect is important to me. respect is something i hold dear. something must be real, it can't all be failure.

the thing i have realized tonight, is that i respect fiction more than reality. the things i strive for aren't real, and that fact is a source of pain. the things i hold dear, the people i look up to aren't real. i pull what strength i do have out of things that do not exist in reality. i do not find what i need in other people. i am not sure it exists in the world yet. so i am alone for now. until i can find something to respect in the world around me, i won't be able to lean on anything for strength

if i am going to achieve what i want, i will need to forge my own world. i am going to have to build things from scratch. my own outlook, my own systems, my own basis for accomplishment. it is all going to ride on me. if there is nowhere that my vision fits, i will make something new where it does. my strength shouldn't have to exist solely in my head. it should be tangible. i should be able to stand up and say, "this is what i believe, and i have the right to live by the principles that make me strong." i shouldn't have to hide.

the beginning is simple. the beginning is me. i am real. i can bridge the gap between fiction and reality. i can manifest these things i crave in myself, and then i won't have to search for proof anymore. i think that is where the stories that inspire me come from. people who see no place for what they believe, but refuse to acknowledge that they are dreaming. it is them screaming to the world what they want, so people like me won't have to be completely alone while we find our way, and so they have something to point too when everything around them makes them wonder if they are the crazy ones, not everyone else.

frivved up by Ben at 11:02 PM

alright, lets lay it out. i am still running through life with training wheels on. there have never been any real reversals of fortune. i haven't exactly struggled through adversity. things have been good for me. they are still good for me. i have no complaints.

my strength comes and goes. i have never had to rely on it, so it isn't something tangible i can find and feed on. it is there, it just isn't fully realized yet. so, talk is cheap. i can say whatever i want without any real ramifications. i don't yet have the ability to motivate myself, to drive myself toward action. i won't be able to take any real steps before i find that focus, those things that make me strong. i need something to draw upon when i need help. some months ago, ryan did a multi blog experiment where each day built on the day before. i don't know what will happen, but it is an idea. it is a start. i need to find my strength. that will be the goal, that will be the controlling topic. what does being strong mean to me.

we will start with the things i see in myself that i am proud of. i am smart. my mind works at its own pace and makes its own connections. it is different than anyone else i know, and my knowledge of how it works and what it is capable of puts me at a natural advantage over your average person. this knowledge of myself gives me an individual understanding of who i am. i am different. i don't need other people or other things to try and find meaning or definition. i can try to find these things in myself. because it is just me, and because my brain makes rational connections quickly and can build ideas into larger patterns, i have a flexibility. i can change myself and my goals when i see a better alternative. because i have the ability to notice the optimal and the efficient, i am in a constant pattern of growth. because i hold nothing absolute, and give myself the option to change, as time passes i find less and less that actually needs to change. but as i grow, and the need for change shrinks, when there is a need the beneficial impact grows.

this is just the pattern i have fallen into. it is the most efficient path. i have arrived at it after much thought, but it still a fairly passive outlook. it doesn't carry the substance i will need in the future. it is just the beginning. i will use it as the basis for tomorrow's daily mental analysis and regroup at the end of the day. until then.

frivved up by Ben at 11:07 PM

the last few weeks i have really been shifting things around. i have been trying to change my focus to mirror what i want instead of what i am used to. i am not content with what has simply gotten me through the day. i feel like for the past seven or eight months, i have been starting to wake up for the first time. like i have been dreaming, and now my mind is trying to force itself awake. the dream has been uncovered, but i am still not fully conscious. there is something coming toward the surface inside of me. somehow, i feel that soon i will open my eyes, and finally be aware of something. i am not sure what it is yet.

i do know that the person i see in the mirror and the person i see in my mind are finally aligning. i am becoming my own equal. neither has the upper hand.

frivved up by Ben at 10:37 PM

warmth. it is so simple. when i was a kid, i was warm with everyone. i was afraid of no one, friends with everyone. then at some point, like everyone, i was hurt by someone. it doesn't matter who, or when, or why, but at some point i had to retreat. it sent me away. and from then on, i treated everyone the same way. i was selfless, cold, and composed. i kept everyone at arms length. i made them open up to me first, and then still i just humored them. in short, i treated everyone like i was breaking up with them. no wonder. it makes so much sense.

i am able to seperate myself now. i can be open and honest without leaving myself exposed. even if someone does try to hurt me, could it really leave a scar? am i still that insecure

my computer is dead, so i have no music. i was singing ben folds five in my head, and got to that song. suddenly, i felt like such an idiot. i realized why things always feel awkward between me and other people, especially new people. it is a horrible thing to do. i don't why i have let things go this way. sure, that attitude has its place. it is an incredible way to deal with uncomfortable situations. but using it as a default makes every situation uncomfortable by default. the way i see it now, let things descend to that point.

so lets say i change, and go back to a warmer me. if for some reason someone scoffs at my amiable nature, fuck them. they are basically saying i have no interest in being nice to you, and that should be enough to turn my attention somewhere else. sure, it will be disappointing, and i may even feel a brief stab of pain from the rejection. but do i really want to be around someone that makes civility require effort? that is a waste of my valuable brain time.

i am sure my good friends will see this and it will make perfect sense. they will be sitting here saying "it is always wierd how he is such a different person once other people are around." it won't be easy. it is hard to seperate that cold, calculated, dismissive portion of my personality from the naturally distracted part. they seem so interconnected, because it was a simple coping mechanism that i built from my natural tendancies. but it makes so much sense to me now what has been happening, and how it got to this. now it is just a matter of breaking the habit, and letting everyone a little closer.

frivved up by Ben at 8:21 PM

it is strange, sitting here. inside my head i have this list of things that i know are going to happen at some point in the future. but i am sitting here doing nothing, and that doesn't effect the inevitable outcomes. i see these things, and have these dreams, and it becomes obvious in my mind. and then, it just becomes a matter of watching the obstacles drift away until it finally happens. it is such a feeling of satisfaction watching it again, as everything unfolds as you know it will. and then it is done, and it fades into the background, because everything is normal and how it should be.

i no longer trouble myself with the whys, because i can focus on which outcomes are correct. i see the problems, i see the failures, and sometimes it still consumes me and things fall apart. but through that i see what i want, and how i want to be. but i am not merely content with finding the answer just in time to hop away from danger. i can build myself a future i want to see, and surround myself with only opportunities to see it realized. let the failures come as a surprise, and be the exceptions that point me toward further growth.

frivved up by Ben at 9:54 PM

so, let me tell you about the proverbial voice in my head. it is deeper than mine, although i can get my voice down in its range. it sounds like my voice, but it always has the authorative command that i reserve for occasions that need a little more punctuation. most frustratingly, it can sing. it can sing beautifully, hit every note i can hear, and go higher or lower than i can dream of. that is why i hate singing, because all i try to do is sync myself up with what i hear, but i can't do it. it just doesn't happen. what i hear in my head, and what comes out of my mouth are two completey different things.

when i actually talk seriously, my voice tends to drop and a little more power is added behind it. likewise, when i am not really paying attention or am just joking around, my voice gets the high lilt everyone else hears most of the time, and it grows increasingly tenetive, sometimes to the point that you can't make out the syllables from more than a few feet away, or it starts breaking up.

it has very little patience, which is why i let him chill up there when he isn't needed. he is content to relax and watch me stumble through life. he likes to play tricks on me. i can only really reach him through my subconcious, which luckily i have trained myself to instantly reach out too. but because i have to be in a dream or trancelike state, i can rarely remember anything that was said. it takes a pretty extreme concentration to be able to hold on to it, although because my memory is so associative, the things i have learned pop up when the information is needed. and if something interrupts me when i am spacing out, there is no way.

i know it is me up there. i know, because it is my inner wealth of knowledge and intelligence i am reaching out for. there is just so much i have to keep it locked away from the surface, otherwise it takes over. if i actually let that part of me run wild, i would be in a constant daze. i wouldn't move, i wouldn't be able to see beyond my eyes, i wouldn't hear anything. i would basically be asleep and dreaming.

it is a trade off. i let it relax and stay dormant, so when i need it, i can grab it and bend it to my will. it disgusts me, but probably the renaissance of that part of my mind was in high school math and science. i hated those classes, and rebelled against them whenever i could. i didn't do homework, didn't take notes, but my mind soaked up all of that information from the lectures and the books like a sponge. but come test time, i would dive into it. i would let it take over for an hour, and slam through. that is how i got straight a's in those classes. low low homework grade, but high 90's test scores because my brain is a machine. one day a week i was the most brilliant person in the room, but the rest of the time i was pretty much worthless.

i think this is why i end up spacing out so much without really noticing. it doesn't have the constitant outlet it used to. it grabs for control. it has to manifest itself in other ways. it seems to spend most of its time sifting through my memories and trying to predict the future, which is fine with me.

there are many parts to my brain. this is just one of them. it is the most rational, the most knowledgeable, and the most intelligent, which is why i think i tend to converse with him the most when i go inside myself. it is the part i respect the most. i defer to him in most things, but i am a little intimidated by it. it let it slack a little too much. but it deserves to slack. it is the leader of our rag tag little gang. it is the part i feel is more than me, more than the sum of all of the parts that make up me. i aspire to have it be in more or less permanent command, using the other parts to keep things running efficiently, and using everyone in a way that draws out the greatest potential. but like all of us, he doesn't want that. we are way too comfortable on the sidelines, observing the mad flailing of everything around us.

frivved up by Ben at 2:43 PM

ho baby. rjd2 gets the ball rolling. what an amazing show. rj fucking d2. i am still struggling with how to describe it all, so lets start with some context. ryan and i had a loose plan we executed to perfection, to the benefit of us. our only real goal was to make it into neumoes around 930 so we could see pigeon john. so we drank, took a nice wander around the block to spread our green cheer to the drizzley streets, and then hopped on the freeway. we found perfect street parking on marion right next to seattle u, and discreetly pounded a carlo/tilt cocktail before wandering the 5 blocks to the club. we get in and the opening act (who turned out to be one of rjd2's dudes) is just winding down. a spot on the rail with view of the stage opens up, and i stand there looking down on the crowd, pretending the club is mine, and all of these people are here due to my generousity. and then we prepare our strike. the 21+ area next the bar is still has room to move around, so we plan to make our move in the milling around period between acts. we wander down the bar and get a quick drink, and then position ourselves as close to the stage as we can. we know we won't be leaving until rjd2 is gone, so our spots can only get better. then the craziest thing happens. pigeon john comes out, and takes over the place. he took us by surprise. he was awesome. ryan kept saying it was wierd that he was there with rjd2, and i don't know if that is because he's not headlining, or he doesn't think their music is compatible or what. whatever it was, he was awesome, and i don't care if was weird, it was perfect to me. by the end, everyone is pumped. everyone knows it is almost time for rj. then these 4 white dudes wander out, and there in the middle of them is rj, wearing military green, a stalinesque little hat and a full beard. i didn't realize the guy was so tiny. anyways, at this point, we are right near the front, maybe 4 people deep from the stage. they had two keyboard set ups (one with this awesome korg syth dealy), a drum set, a guitar, a bass, an acoustic guitar, and rj's 3 turntable set up behind it all. i think rj started off on the guitar, but i may be wrong. everyone but the drummer played every instrument, i think. they were just going nuts. it was crazy. it seemed like they hit just about everything from dead ringer and since we last spoke. we were so into it, we knew what was coming. even on the songs i didn't know, i was right with them. it was awesome. i just bounced along the entire time, screaming and scatting and jumping and grooving and whatever else felt right. at one point rj hit his decks, and after like one song the rest of his dudes wandered off. he sat there and mixed for 4 or 5 songs, then everyone came back, and the entire time the energy was there. ryan got to talk to him and shake his hand after the show. i just nodded in mute awe, and wandered out behind him.

it was just a great night. it had been a while since i had gone out, and i don't know why. i am still just hesitant. i am still closing the gap between seeing the right course of action and taking it. the funny thing is, i have always felt very uncomfortable in bars and clubs. but now i've been out a few times recently (specifically after annie's wedding and last night) and enjoyed myself thoroughly. i am usually bothered by the crowds, and the pressure i put on myself to use my rare opportunities out to get laid. i've always hated that, which is why i avoid it. but man, i've been ignoring the crowds, and it has just been awesome. i'm not going to say i've been a hit with the ladies, but i've definitely had my chances. thus, the gap. that is the only real quibble i have about both of those nights, is that i had plenty, PLENTY of opportunity to meet women, but i just kind of ignored it. i am still working out that part of my comfort zone. it is a marked improvement though. at least i am noticing my chances, and even putting myself in a position to act on them. usually it would bother me that i didn't, but i don't really care. it is kind of nice. i'm actually enjoying the fact that i don't feel the need to force myself into the mold of something i am not, some predatory creepy dude just who is just there to find his piece. that isn't why i was there.

last night was just one night at a club, but for the first time i am actually feeling enthusiastic about going out again. i think next friday i am going to go see satoshi tomiie (or however you spell it). i stepped on a flyer after the show, and he's going to be spinning friday at club heaven with eva. i don't even think ryan is going to go. i don't think anyone is going to go with me, but i still want to. i mean shit, i've been dying to see some awesome deep trance ever since i was raving and it was all house and dnb. the thing is, the women are everywhere. there are hot women everywhere i go, doing everything i do. if i miss one opportunity, it is not even going to matter, because next time i go out, i'll be dancing with some new girl, whether i talk to her or not. somehow recently i've had a subtle shift in attitude that is just drawing them too me like a magnet. it amuses me more than anything right now. i am not even doing anything, and they are flocking to me, putting themselves right in my path. it is kind of a strange feeling. it is pretty much the opposite of how things have always been for me. in the past month or so i've been drawing more attention than i ever have at any point in my life, and i haven't been putting out any effort. i admit, it has kind of thrown me for a loop. it is easier at this point to just kind of push it to the back of my mind and let things work themselves out. i seriously doubt it will stay that way, because i am feeling more and more comfortable with myself and my surroundings. i guess i have a little of my edge back, my ego is finally stretching itself again.

honestly, the thing that amuses me the most is that i haven't really reacted. i just sit back and watch with a smug little smile on my face while everything starts to change for me. i feel like i am acting like myself. i don't feel like i am forcing anything. if anything, i feel like i am holding back, and that has me overflowing with confidence. i can see everything that would happen, but am still completely satified with what actually did.

ben the player? as hilarious as that may sound, we may actually see it yet. who knew i would ever grow up enough to be able to even think about pulling it off. i just feel good about myself. and like everything good i manage to actually pull off, if things start to click for me it is going to happen on my terms. ryan may think i am crazy after last night for not having my way with (or even introducing myself to) the girl i was dancing with most of the night. for me, last night was a success on all fronts. it was my first time at a club in years, baby steps. the key for me is that i want to go again. that has never really been the case. i have been willing to go, but have never actually had this craving for socialization of my own. i've always just tagged along. to me, it is beautiful. who knew rj was even in town!

someday, i get the feeling i'm going to look back and say "that night was the night rjd2 saved my life." everyone around will laugh with me, and rj will reach across and give me a high five and say "word," and then everyone will lose themselves in the party again.

frivved up by Ben at 10:54 PM

i am here once again to let you sample my own unique and tasty gray matter. 3 hours after getting repiped, i had downloaded 5.5 gigs. i hit 10 gigs late saturday. by the end of sunday i went over 15 gigs. so now that i have a few days worth of new entertainment, i have some watching to do.

frivved up by Ben at 8:06 PM