Saturday, January 20, 2007
holy fucking hell! holy fucking hell! ryan.
ryan, holy god. i still can't beat woman on hard. i am still contently beating high scores in normal, but good god! beating expert, that is unnatural. that means you beat institutionalized, which i still can't even 5 star on normal. once again, i am in awe. if the need ever arises, i will run around behind you holding a tv while you stroll the streets, rocking your red plastic controller for the undeserving masses.
ryan, holy god. i still can't beat woman on hard. i am still contently beating high scores in normal, but good god! beating expert, that is unnatural. that means you beat institutionalized, which i still can't even 5 star on normal. once again, i am in awe. if the need ever arises, i will run around behind you holding a tv while you stroll the streets, rocking your red plastic controller for the undeserving masses.
Friday, January 19, 2007
oh my lordy what a day! what a fucking fantastic day. i don't even remember what happened during the first 6 hours of work, all i remember is my meeting at 3:30. i did it. i quit. sometimes, i don't fully realize how i feel until i am sitting there writing things out. ironically don't even think the pertinent email i wrote was sent at all. you know when you hit the send button, and nothing happens, and it doesn't show up in your sent folder, but you know if you hit the send button again it will inevitably be sent twice? well yeah, that was last nights attempt at electronic communication. what is the etiquette in this situation? do you send a doobish message saying, "did you get my first email? hyuk hyuk." no, i won't be doing that. apologies! apologies all around!
but anyways, while writing that, i had this bell peal in my head. i realized nothing would change until i quit my job at champion. it was too easy to be complacent where i was, and my schedule left me too exhausted to motivate myself towards change. i wasn't going to do anything until that temptation of slack was removed. so i just did it. i realized i have so much more in savings than the last two times i have quit my job, that i could take 5 months off if i really wanted too. today, i met with my boss, and told him i was quitting. i told him i would give him a full months notice if he wants it, but that i have to go. and now, i am so fucking happy. like, standing on the sidewalk alone with a huge grin on my face laughing out loud happy. how is this for symmetry: i am planning on my last day being my birthday, february 22nd. ironically, my first day at champion was also on my birthday, two years ago. they are raising our rent on march 1st, so i will have a full week of no work to move into a new place, if i want it. or i could just start my new job. my parents told me again tonight at dinner that i have a job if i want it, when i want it, and that they have so much work going on that everyone will be happy to see me despite my lack of experience. there is also a continuing education class that starts in march up at seattle central two days a week. to get in, i don't even have to enroll at the college. i just have to give them my address online, and it reserves my space. all my little ducklings are in a row.
i am just so relieved and happy. i feel bouyant. i am seriously thinking of going out to celebrate tonight. hybrid is spinning at the element. on the flipside, i haven't partaken in my favorite greens in a few days, so i will probably just end up celebrating high and happy in my room. it doesn't matter. either way, it is friday, and everything is going my way. tonight is all about celebrating my good fortune :)
but anyways, while writing that, i had this bell peal in my head. i realized nothing would change until i quit my job at champion. it was too easy to be complacent where i was, and my schedule left me too exhausted to motivate myself towards change. i wasn't going to do anything until that temptation of slack was removed. so i just did it. i realized i have so much more in savings than the last two times i have quit my job, that i could take 5 months off if i really wanted too. today, i met with my boss, and told him i was quitting. i told him i would give him a full months notice if he wants it, but that i have to go. and now, i am so fucking happy. like, standing on the sidewalk alone with a huge grin on my face laughing out loud happy. how is this for symmetry: i am planning on my last day being my birthday, february 22nd. ironically, my first day at champion was also on my birthday, two years ago. they are raising our rent on march 1st, so i will have a full week of no work to move into a new place, if i want it. or i could just start my new job. my parents told me again tonight at dinner that i have a job if i want it, when i want it, and that they have so much work going on that everyone will be happy to see me despite my lack of experience. there is also a continuing education class that starts in march up at seattle central two days a week. to get in, i don't even have to enroll at the college. i just have to give them my address online, and it reserves my space. all my little ducklings are in a row.
i am just so relieved and happy. i feel bouyant. i am seriously thinking of going out to celebrate tonight. hybrid is spinning at the element. on the flipside, i haven't partaken in my favorite greens in a few days, so i will probably just end up celebrating high and happy in my room. it doesn't matter. either way, it is friday, and everything is going my way. tonight is all about celebrating my good fortune :)
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
holy shit this game is going to be good. i am only 2 hours of playtime into the new final fantasy game and my jaw is already on the floor. it took an hour to get to the point where you meet the main character. since then, i've gone bounty hunting, and watched a dinosaur eat the wolf i was trying to kill. now i am sneaking into the palace. it is really the only logical thing to do, what with the dinosaurs and all...
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
oh sweet, wonderful, pillowy-soft blanket of snowy karmic bliss, wrap me in your cold silent hands and fly away with me to a better place; a place without buses, work, or anything named bellevue. i have never been so happy to be woken up by a phone call at 6:20 in the morning. i can't bring myself to care about the fact that i had already slept through my alarm. the snow loves me.
Monday, January 15, 2007
Sunday, January 14, 2007
ben 2007: the redumbening
i watched idiocracy last night, and now i feel compelled to speak in a combination of hillbilly, valley girl, ebonics and assorted grunts. that movie hit so close to home, it made me uncomfortable. dax sheppard was terrible because he played his part too well. i still can't tell whether i loved it or hated it, and i am not sure if i want to see it again. it is like the capacity for such thoughts does not exist inside the realm of that movie's influence. and yes, i am forcing myself to use more words than necessary, just to prove words with multiple syllables still exist. if you watch that movie, you will understand. it will sink your mind into a pit of dumbness that you can't help but wallow in. even when i was talking to myself or other inanimate objects in my apartment last night, i was grunting and using words like pimp.
i have never felt the instinctual need to breed quite as strongly as i do right now, indiscriminantly and often. smart people have a lot of catching up to do.
i watched idiocracy last night, and now i feel compelled to speak in a combination of hillbilly, valley girl, ebonics and assorted grunts. that movie hit so close to home, it made me uncomfortable. dax sheppard was terrible because he played his part too well. i still can't tell whether i loved it or hated it, and i am not sure if i want to see it again. it is like the capacity for such thoughts does not exist inside the realm of that movie's influence. and yes, i am forcing myself to use more words than necessary, just to prove words with multiple syllables still exist. if you watch that movie, you will understand. it will sink your mind into a pit of dumbness that you can't help but wallow in. even when i was talking to myself or other inanimate objects in my apartment last night, i was grunting and using words like pimp.
i have never felt the instinctual need to breed quite as strongly as i do right now, indiscriminantly and often. smart people have a lot of catching up to do.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
i remember how well shaun alexander runs in the cold. the last time he played in the snow, he had 40 carries and 201 yards. take that mr. columnist man. but yeah football tomorrow. i have been waiting for this game all season. you knew after that horrible week 4 game that eventually the seahawks would have to play the bears again in the playoffs. the seahawks were ugly in that game, and can only do better. mostly i have been waiting for this game because the bears are one of my favorite teams to watch.
i am sucker for defense. that is why i hate watching the sonics so much these days (not that hatred stops me). in baseball i love pitching (fuck you mariners). but week 4, even our defense didn't show up. they let rex grossman light us up, and i hate that guy. this week, i want to see our defense. i wish we had trufant. even more than him, i miss marcus tubbs. our line is completely undersized now without him. he was the guy that made our rotation a little more respectable. now the heaviest dude we have is russell davis, who is listed at liek 306. and he sucks. tubbs better be healthy next season. he brings size and athleticism. he is one of the keys to both our run defense and our pash rush, more so than any other single guy on the line. our defense has played great these last few games. our run d has stepped it up. lofa has whipped his guys in to shape at just the right time, and is playing some of the best football of his career. having michael boulware back at safety helps. the pass rush is no great shakes, and doesn't really have a chance against that monster chicago line. i hope we can at least get some hits on grossman. when they actually do let him pass, we have to get in there fast with our linebackers because he likes to go deep whenever he has the time.
and on pass d, i figure we are doing as well as we could be. i really like jordan babineaux as a corner. i thought it was dumb to put him at safety, even if he is a good safety. i actually thought he should have been starting this season, with kelly herndon as the nickel back covering the slot. on the other side of the field, slim has grown up fast this season. watching kelly jennings in his first few preseason games was painful. he didn't look great at the beginning of the season, but slowly has started to acclimate to the pace of the pro game. even when he doesn't make the tackle, you see him around the ball now instead of cringing away. and these few games he has started? he has really proven himself to me. not by making great plays all the time, but by making sure he contains his reciever on over the course of the entire game, instead of just a play by play level. he may be small, but he is fast, smart, and as physical as he can be. he is a surprisingly competent tackler. our pass d is actually almost at the same level in our base d as it has been all season. it isn't until we get into the nickel and the dime that we are vulnerable. our new loan broker pete hunter had a huge game against the cowboys though. i told matt that someone he had never heard of was going to come up big in that gave against the cowboys, and he had 5 tackles, a fumble recovery, and a that defended pass on the final hail mary of the game. he has nothing to lose, that is something. he is still by far the weakest part of our defense, and i expect them to try and isolate him on the sideline as much as possible when he is in the game, but what else can you do? if we survive, it looks like we will have trufant back next week.
that is what this game is going to be all about for the seahawks. survival. if we win this game, our defense is going to win it for us, and it all starts with stopping thomas jones and cedric benson at the line of scrimmage. force them into passing plays we know are coming, because we do have playmakers in the secondary. give our offense time on the field. on offense, it is going to be about shaun alexander surviving brian urlacher and his goons. he is going to get lit up today, but hopefully it happens five yards down the field instead of behind the line of scrimmage. we need him, because we need to keep the offense on the field, and the bulk of the hits on any one else but matt hasselbeck. if alexander can survive that defense and give hasselbeck the time to move down the field, we have a chance of staying in the game until the end. everyone is talking about seahawks offense vs. bears defense. this game is really about seahawks defense vs. bears defense. which reminds me. the bears player i am most worried about is devin hester. this game is going to be a field position war, and we don't need that guy busting out with two td returns and ruining any momentum our defense can build
i am sucker for defense. that is why i hate watching the sonics so much these days (not that hatred stops me). in baseball i love pitching (fuck you mariners). but week 4, even our defense didn't show up. they let rex grossman light us up, and i hate that guy. this week, i want to see our defense. i wish we had trufant. even more than him, i miss marcus tubbs. our line is completely undersized now without him. he was the guy that made our rotation a little more respectable. now the heaviest dude we have is russell davis, who is listed at liek 306. and he sucks. tubbs better be healthy next season. he brings size and athleticism. he is one of the keys to both our run defense and our pash rush, more so than any other single guy on the line. our defense has played great these last few games. our run d has stepped it up. lofa has whipped his guys in to shape at just the right time, and is playing some of the best football of his career. having michael boulware back at safety helps. the pass rush is no great shakes, and doesn't really have a chance against that monster chicago line. i hope we can at least get some hits on grossman. when they actually do let him pass, we have to get in there fast with our linebackers because he likes to go deep whenever he has the time.
and on pass d, i figure we are doing as well as we could be. i really like jordan babineaux as a corner. i thought it was dumb to put him at safety, even if he is a good safety. i actually thought he should have been starting this season, with kelly herndon as the nickel back covering the slot. on the other side of the field, slim has grown up fast this season. watching kelly jennings in his first few preseason games was painful. he didn't look great at the beginning of the season, but slowly has started to acclimate to the pace of the pro game. even when he doesn't make the tackle, you see him around the ball now instead of cringing away. and these few games he has started? he has really proven himself to me. not by making great plays all the time, but by making sure he contains his reciever on over the course of the entire game, instead of just a play by play level. he may be small, but he is fast, smart, and as physical as he can be. he is a surprisingly competent tackler. our pass d is actually almost at the same level in our base d as it has been all season. it isn't until we get into the nickel and the dime that we are vulnerable. our new loan broker pete hunter had a huge game against the cowboys though. i told matt that someone he had never heard of was going to come up big in that gave against the cowboys, and he had 5 tackles, a fumble recovery, and a that defended pass on the final hail mary of the game. he has nothing to lose, that is something. he is still by far the weakest part of our defense, and i expect them to try and isolate him on the sideline as much as possible when he is in the game, but what else can you do? if we survive, it looks like we will have trufant back next week.
that is what this game is going to be all about for the seahawks. survival. if we win this game, our defense is going to win it for us, and it all starts with stopping thomas jones and cedric benson at the line of scrimmage. force them into passing plays we know are coming, because we do have playmakers in the secondary. give our offense time on the field. on offense, it is going to be about shaun alexander surviving brian urlacher and his goons. he is going to get lit up today, but hopefully it happens five yards down the field instead of behind the line of scrimmage. we need him, because we need to keep the offense on the field, and the bulk of the hits on any one else but matt hasselbeck. if alexander can survive that defense and give hasselbeck the time to move down the field, we have a chance of staying in the game until the end. everyone is talking about seahawks offense vs. bears defense. this game is really about seahawks defense vs. bears defense. which reminds me. the bears player i am most worried about is devin hester. this game is going to be a field position war, and we don't need that guy busting out with two td returns and ruining any momentum our defense can build
Friday, January 12, 2007
ahhh, the inner me. i just wish i could remember what the voice deep down beneath it all and i talk about. of course, that would also make things too easy, having instant access to such an unlimited source of knowledge. well, wank-related knowledge. that is what i feel like when i talk to other people. alone, talking to myself, things can fall into place so nicely. progress can be made without any need for words. ideas can be formed and tested. pages worth of text can be virtually created in my head. but i can try to talk about the same thing with someone else, and it all disappears. i bet he sits in there and watches, laughing. i bet he trips me when i am walking down the street just to see me squirm. i think he is mad that part of us is still stuck in this body. at this point, he has probably trancended time, so to be partially stuck in such a rediculous linear frame of mind drives him nuts. so he sits in there, trying to drag me out of my skull by the lobes so we can fly off and do random nonlinear things without any fixed reference points to mess things up, until our next iteration is born at least. i think he likes the drugs though.
Thursday, January 04, 2007
well, happy new year everyone. i told matt a week or so ago, i wish i had met her two or three girlfriends from now. we both knew. we both knew one week in that eventually one of us would blow things up, despite the intensity between us. that was what killed it, trying not to let that original feeling slip away. damn, and november was such a great month. at least i had weeks worth of her all but avoiding me to prepare myself for the inevitable. i am writing things now i should have written a while ago, but didn't because i was worried it would be too intense for her again. i wrote every night, and deleted it every night. sometimes i even deleted posts after i had them up, sometimes even hours later.
so, the mantra begins, where do we go from here? suddenly my apprehensions about writing don't matter anymore. what really happened? when i met her, i felt like i was a new man. i felt like i was the man i always wanted to be, like the person i had been growing into was finally being realized. i felt great, and things were going great. i made some dumb mistakes, but not unforgiveable ones. it was mostly my slapstick bad luck shining through. the things i did weren't the actual problem. the problem was showing her i was vulnerable, and that i didn't have everything as together as it first seemed. so she started to pull away, and i got nervous. suddenly the person i always wanted to be wasn't a solution at all, in fact it was a detraction. so i regressed a bit, well, a lot. of course that made things worse, but she didn't want the guy i was turning into, so i didn't know what else to do.
we started seeing less and less of each other until we didn't see each other at all. things were crazy at work for both of us, and it was the middle of the holidays, so i wanted to believe it was just a function of the circumstances around us. i knew i was dead in the water, i just didn't want to be the one to blow things up in case i was just overreacting. i kept myself realistically optomistic, knowing that if there was any chance at all, it would hinge on me acting like nothing was wrong on the off chance that things were actually fine and i was just paranoid. i think she wanted me to break up with her, but that is just an assumption.
so, what have i learned. the past two weeks, i have been mourning the person i was and then abandoned. i felt better than i have in a long time. i want to be that guy again. i want to be that guy from now on. now that i don't have to worry about being too intense and pushing her further away, i can. that may be the silver lining. i can move forward as a new person, just like i wanted too. unfortunately, she won't be there like i hoped. if things still go as planned, i'll still have a new job, a new place to live, and a new girlfriend. it may not be her, but it will be someone. she was the first person to notice me when i decided to rejoin the waking world. i know she felt something for me at one point.
i am really curious how much of that initial connection was her feeding off my emotions. if it was me superimposing my thoughts onto her, does that mean it is it something i can replicate? if it is, does it mean i can sweep anyone off their feet? if i can, i can i reign it in before the pendulum swings back the other way? i am sure there is someone out there waiting for that immediacy. someone who will thrive on an unapologetic, unquestioned beginning, if i actually manage to replicate it. but it will all be moot if i can't control it, and control myself. she made me feel the need to apologize and question, and that is really when things ended. i know it is possible with someone else, if i can learn from the mistakes i made here so it doesn't get to such an uncomfortable point again. i was overzealous, which was perfect for a week, but soon became unnerving.
i still think she is also making a mistake. she shares my penchant for self-destruction. i think mine triggered hers. actually, i think she saw mine start to trigger hers, and simply walked away before it could do any damage. i'm not angry, and i don't resent her, mostly because i can't really blame her. someday when she remembers november and realizes that potential takes patience (and level of effort neither of us could afford to or were willing to exert), i will probably be in my next busted relationship, learning my next set of lessons the hard way.
it is a new year. i like to look at a new year as a clean slate. i was hoping it would mean a clean slate with her, and that we could some how pick up the pieces of december, but that is not going to happen. i am still fucking confused though. i wonder how many times she changed her mind in the past month before finally telling me, or probably more accurately how many times she tried to tell me once she realized it wasn't going anywhere. i felt like i was being tugged in different directions, like i was suspended in midair without anyway to regain purchase to start moving on my own again. i think mostly i am feeling relieved that i know for sure now, because my mind has been running in circles. it sucks, sure, but it sucked more being caught between, second guessing everything, good and bad.
i wish there was more to say. not enough happened. we only lasted one swing of the pendulum.
so, the mantra begins, where do we go from here? suddenly my apprehensions about writing don't matter anymore. what really happened? when i met her, i felt like i was a new man. i felt like i was the man i always wanted to be, like the person i had been growing into was finally being realized. i felt great, and things were going great. i made some dumb mistakes, but not unforgiveable ones. it was mostly my slapstick bad luck shining through. the things i did weren't the actual problem. the problem was showing her i was vulnerable, and that i didn't have everything as together as it first seemed. so she started to pull away, and i got nervous. suddenly the person i always wanted to be wasn't a solution at all, in fact it was a detraction. so i regressed a bit, well, a lot. of course that made things worse, but she didn't want the guy i was turning into, so i didn't know what else to do.
we started seeing less and less of each other until we didn't see each other at all. things were crazy at work for both of us, and it was the middle of the holidays, so i wanted to believe it was just a function of the circumstances around us. i knew i was dead in the water, i just didn't want to be the one to blow things up in case i was just overreacting. i kept myself realistically optomistic, knowing that if there was any chance at all, it would hinge on me acting like nothing was wrong on the off chance that things were actually fine and i was just paranoid. i think she wanted me to break up with her, but that is just an assumption.
so, what have i learned. the past two weeks, i have been mourning the person i was and then abandoned. i felt better than i have in a long time. i want to be that guy again. i want to be that guy from now on. now that i don't have to worry about being too intense and pushing her further away, i can. that may be the silver lining. i can move forward as a new person, just like i wanted too. unfortunately, she won't be there like i hoped. if things still go as planned, i'll still have a new job, a new place to live, and a new girlfriend. it may not be her, but it will be someone. she was the first person to notice me when i decided to rejoin the waking world. i know she felt something for me at one point.
i am really curious how much of that initial connection was her feeding off my emotions. if it was me superimposing my thoughts onto her, does that mean it is it something i can replicate? if it is, does it mean i can sweep anyone off their feet? if i can, i can i reign it in before the pendulum swings back the other way? i am sure there is someone out there waiting for that immediacy. someone who will thrive on an unapologetic, unquestioned beginning, if i actually manage to replicate it. but it will all be moot if i can't control it, and control myself. she made me feel the need to apologize and question, and that is really when things ended. i know it is possible with someone else, if i can learn from the mistakes i made here so it doesn't get to such an uncomfortable point again. i was overzealous, which was perfect for a week, but soon became unnerving.
i still think she is also making a mistake. she shares my penchant for self-destruction. i think mine triggered hers. actually, i think she saw mine start to trigger hers, and simply walked away before it could do any damage. i'm not angry, and i don't resent her, mostly because i can't really blame her. someday when she remembers november and realizes that potential takes patience (and level of effort neither of us could afford to or were willing to exert), i will probably be in my next busted relationship, learning my next set of lessons the hard way.
it is a new year. i like to look at a new year as a clean slate. i was hoping it would mean a clean slate with her, and that we could some how pick up the pieces of december, but that is not going to happen. i am still fucking confused though. i wonder how many times she changed her mind in the past month before finally telling me, or probably more accurately how many times she tried to tell me once she realized it wasn't going anywhere. i felt like i was being tugged in different directions, like i was suspended in midair without anyway to regain purchase to start moving on my own again. i think mostly i am feeling relieved that i know for sure now, because my mind has been running in circles. it sucks, sure, but it sucked more being caught between, second guessing everything, good and bad.
i wish there was more to say. not enough happened. we only lasted one swing of the pendulum.
