Monday, September 25, 2006
the art of lazy.
true to form, this will be a short post. things would get in the way of my daydreaming. daydreaming - other things = good lazyness.
the end
true to form, this will be a short post. things would get in the way of my daydreaming. daydreaming - other things = good lazyness.
the end
Saturday, September 09, 2006
alright, enough of this cheeky bullshit. it doesn't serve anything.
what is the point i am trying to make. what am i working towards. what is the philosophy of WAnk? what do i want, and why don't i have it?
outside, i kind of am treading water. i avoid a full commitment towards forward motion, because i don't think i am strong enough to keep the momentum. i spend my life in my mind working to make myself better, someone strong enough to carry my heavy expectations. i am filled with great ideas. i am obsessed with ideas, my own and others. i am obsessed with the future, because that is what ideas represent. but if you don't own your ideas, if you take a slaphappy approach to them, you will be cut out of their future by people who take them seriously. i am through with that. i am not being cut out of my own ideas. i want the control. i want to be the one to make them come to life. i don't want to see someone else bring them to fruition, because i don't want to see them poorly done.
i spend my time doing two things. first, dissecting the things that have happened recently, and forcing myself to create connections to things that have happened in the past. i try to create patterns out of everything that has happened, so i can see patterns in what is going to happen. at least now i try to remember everything exactly as it happened. yes, the deception is still there, but it isn't so much voluntary anymore. my deception now is a sort of instinctual reaction to situations that make me uneasy, a way of diffusing things i forsee to be a problem. my deception used to go so, SO much deeper. instead of thining about what had actually happened, i used to spend time trying to embellish my own stories in my head to turn myself into something i wasn't. i spent my time analyzing what had really happened, and figuring out which lies fit so i could turn it into what i wanted to be true. this, obviously, wasn't a good thing. this side of myself is what i have tried hardest to get rid of. it hasn't worked, completely. i still deceive other people, all the time. that is the mischevious side of me coming through. but i don't deceive myself. it took time, and it was hard, but i am better now because of it. it may not show the outward results i would like, but oh well. i guess i need that to be phase two, stop being so cheeky with everyone else.
second, i spend my time on my book. i see that as my secondary reality. i approach it very much in the same way as i approach my dissection of my own life. i analyze certain parts of the story, and then try and make connections to the other parts of the story until patterns start to emerge. and as they emerge, i can start seeing the patterns of what will happen. i have said before that this story has largely created itself, and that is true. it has been the weirdest thing. it touches on something i always wanted to be true, that there are things in my mind, ideas that are fully fleshed out already, but that i just can't see. that is what uncovering this story has been like. it feels like it already exists, and all i am doing is remembering what happens. i can look back at how it started. i saw glimpses of things that were going to happen. i tried to turn these instances into scenes, then turn the scenes into plot arcs, and eventually turn the plot arcs into a full progression of characters. of course then i realized that ALL of my characters, spanning three completely different series i was planning were linked, and the light went on, and i knew i had my story. it was no longer 3 sets of books, in my mind, it was one book. then i turned it back on itself. each series, each complete arch of characters turned into books, then into arcs, then into chapters, then back into individual scenes. it was like untying the knots in a rope. now everything makes sense, but the thing is, it all made sense in the first place. i always knew it was going to work. it started with my characters. i always knew what they were like, and what they were turning into, i just didn't know exactly why. there had to be a story behind it all, i just needed to remember it.
that is why i have misfired writing my book. why i start writing, and then delete it and go back to the idea phase. yes, it is because i love the idea phase, because i love finding the ideas in the first place. but more importantly, because i want to do it right, because this is something that is entirely my own. because as bad as it would be to see someone screw up my ideas, it would be so much worse to see myself ruin them. and i am afraid of that, because i know it can happen. i screw things up all the time, things i think are fool proof. and i do think this book is fool proof. but i believe i have turned the corner. i have paragraphs on the paper now that i haven't deleted yet. i have edited them a little bit, but they feel like they are a part of the story i am trying to tell. and that is important, because if i am writing outside of the story in my head, what the hell am i writing it down for?
shit, now i feel stupid. what the hell am i writing here for? because this focuses me. this centers me. i can't have all of my stupidity mucking up my book, overshadowing my real ideas. and, because as much as i love my book, it can't be everything. i can't live entirely in my own reality. because to me, no matter what fantastical ideas i come up with, a big part of what makes it so great to me is that it is centered in reality. it overlaps. that is a big part of what i am trying to do, and why it has taken so long. all of the ideas have to make sense. they have to seem REAL. they have to be fully explained, at least to me, so they can fit into the story. if something doesn't make sense, then i need to flesh it out more. that is the wierd thing. usually, if something wasn't making sense, i would throw it out. but i haven't done that when thinking about the books. things have shifted and changed, but i haven't completely axed anything for not working. i have figured out why it wasn't working, created better explainations until it did work. because if it was a part of the story, if it was something the story had shown me, obviously it was meant to be there, and there was a way it could work. that was how the story started, a way for me to put all of my ideas into one place, be it spaceships, race cars, dragons, samurai swords, magic, whatever. i didn't want to go one place, i wanted to be able to go everywhere.
eventually i will. it is just slow. i am happy with the results already, because it is started, and staying started. i think this was a big step, i step i have been tiptoeing around for a while. i always knew exactly how i wanted to do things, it just wasn't ready to happen. i don't even know what changed, but now there it is. it just mirrors the entire process, which mirrors my outlook on life. everything has its own pace. all you can do is plan and wait, or spend most of your time frustrated because things aren't happening, or things are happening wrong.
i have been ultimately been working towards one thing, deriving a second reality out of everything i have experienced, actually and creatively. because that is what a good book is. you have to believe everything is actually happening, you have to sell it completely, or else it will be another paperweight. at the same time i am seeking understanding in my characters, i am seeking understanding in myself, because my characters are all different parts of myself. at the same time i am trying to make sense of the world around me, i am trying to make sense of the struggles my characters are going through, and the world they are fighting to create. i am leaving my world, because their world is the world i care about more, and until it is realized, i will be just a floating spectre wondering where he went wrong, questioning reality, and bitching about control.
there it is. not only is this story the focus of my life and the answer to my so called problems, it is the best answer. it actually has the potential to change everything. it is my potential, and i am inching closer to it being realized. things are getting to the point where random postulation doesn't cut it. it needs to be done, and it needs to be done right, or it will all be a waste of time. that is not an acceptable option. i will continue to slog foward on the outside to ensure that my ideas are still viable, and moving towards fruition. any complaints are just petty concerns, a vent for my impatience. so just don't listen to it. it is me recentering my head, so i can get back to my analysis that ultimately fuels my creation. everyone needs a break.
it is what i think about all the time. so much, that i have to try to not talk about it. once i start talking about it, there is no random chance element i can't control. i am locked in, it is what i know, and it is hard to stop. even when i do stop, the train of thought keeps going in my head, and inevitably end up staring off into space for a few minutes.
and i have so much fun doing it, at every level. writing, or just playing with ideas, i enjoy it all. it is one of the few things that fully clicks in my head. the most frustrating part is having to leave my second reality, and that is what i struggle with. everything just seems grey.
what is the point i am trying to make. what am i working towards. what is the philosophy of WAnk? what do i want, and why don't i have it?
outside, i kind of am treading water. i avoid a full commitment towards forward motion, because i don't think i am strong enough to keep the momentum. i spend my life in my mind working to make myself better, someone strong enough to carry my heavy expectations. i am filled with great ideas. i am obsessed with ideas, my own and others. i am obsessed with the future, because that is what ideas represent. but if you don't own your ideas, if you take a slaphappy approach to them, you will be cut out of their future by people who take them seriously. i am through with that. i am not being cut out of my own ideas. i want the control. i want to be the one to make them come to life. i don't want to see someone else bring them to fruition, because i don't want to see them poorly done.
i spend my time doing two things. first, dissecting the things that have happened recently, and forcing myself to create connections to things that have happened in the past. i try to create patterns out of everything that has happened, so i can see patterns in what is going to happen. at least now i try to remember everything exactly as it happened. yes, the deception is still there, but it isn't so much voluntary anymore. my deception now is a sort of instinctual reaction to situations that make me uneasy, a way of diffusing things i forsee to be a problem. my deception used to go so, SO much deeper. instead of thining about what had actually happened, i used to spend time trying to embellish my own stories in my head to turn myself into something i wasn't. i spent my time analyzing what had really happened, and figuring out which lies fit so i could turn it into what i wanted to be true. this, obviously, wasn't a good thing. this side of myself is what i have tried hardest to get rid of. it hasn't worked, completely. i still deceive other people, all the time. that is the mischevious side of me coming through. but i don't deceive myself. it took time, and it was hard, but i am better now because of it. it may not show the outward results i would like, but oh well. i guess i need that to be phase two, stop being so cheeky with everyone else.
second, i spend my time on my book. i see that as my secondary reality. i approach it very much in the same way as i approach my dissection of my own life. i analyze certain parts of the story, and then try and make connections to the other parts of the story until patterns start to emerge. and as they emerge, i can start seeing the patterns of what will happen. i have said before that this story has largely created itself, and that is true. it has been the weirdest thing. it touches on something i always wanted to be true, that there are things in my mind, ideas that are fully fleshed out already, but that i just can't see. that is what uncovering this story has been like. it feels like it already exists, and all i am doing is remembering what happens. i can look back at how it started. i saw glimpses of things that were going to happen. i tried to turn these instances into scenes, then turn the scenes into plot arcs, and eventually turn the plot arcs into a full progression of characters. of course then i realized that ALL of my characters, spanning three completely different series i was planning were linked, and the light went on, and i knew i had my story. it was no longer 3 sets of books, in my mind, it was one book. then i turned it back on itself. each series, each complete arch of characters turned into books, then into arcs, then into chapters, then back into individual scenes. it was like untying the knots in a rope. now everything makes sense, but the thing is, it all made sense in the first place. i always knew it was going to work. it started with my characters. i always knew what they were like, and what they were turning into, i just didn't know exactly why. there had to be a story behind it all, i just needed to remember it.
that is why i have misfired writing my book. why i start writing, and then delete it and go back to the idea phase. yes, it is because i love the idea phase, because i love finding the ideas in the first place. but more importantly, because i want to do it right, because this is something that is entirely my own. because as bad as it would be to see someone screw up my ideas, it would be so much worse to see myself ruin them. and i am afraid of that, because i know it can happen. i screw things up all the time, things i think are fool proof. and i do think this book is fool proof. but i believe i have turned the corner. i have paragraphs on the paper now that i haven't deleted yet. i have edited them a little bit, but they feel like they are a part of the story i am trying to tell. and that is important, because if i am writing outside of the story in my head, what the hell am i writing it down for?
shit, now i feel stupid. what the hell am i writing here for? because this focuses me. this centers me. i can't have all of my stupidity mucking up my book, overshadowing my real ideas. and, because as much as i love my book, it can't be everything. i can't live entirely in my own reality. because to me, no matter what fantastical ideas i come up with, a big part of what makes it so great to me is that it is centered in reality. it overlaps. that is a big part of what i am trying to do, and why it has taken so long. all of the ideas have to make sense. they have to seem REAL. they have to be fully explained, at least to me, so they can fit into the story. if something doesn't make sense, then i need to flesh it out more. that is the wierd thing. usually, if something wasn't making sense, i would throw it out. but i haven't done that when thinking about the books. things have shifted and changed, but i haven't completely axed anything for not working. i have figured out why it wasn't working, created better explainations until it did work. because if it was a part of the story, if it was something the story had shown me, obviously it was meant to be there, and there was a way it could work. that was how the story started, a way for me to put all of my ideas into one place, be it spaceships, race cars, dragons, samurai swords, magic, whatever. i didn't want to go one place, i wanted to be able to go everywhere.
eventually i will. it is just slow. i am happy with the results already, because it is started, and staying started. i think this was a big step, i step i have been tiptoeing around for a while. i always knew exactly how i wanted to do things, it just wasn't ready to happen. i don't even know what changed, but now there it is. it just mirrors the entire process, which mirrors my outlook on life. everything has its own pace. all you can do is plan and wait, or spend most of your time frustrated because things aren't happening, or things are happening wrong.
i have been ultimately been working towards one thing, deriving a second reality out of everything i have experienced, actually and creatively. because that is what a good book is. you have to believe everything is actually happening, you have to sell it completely, or else it will be another paperweight. at the same time i am seeking understanding in my characters, i am seeking understanding in myself, because my characters are all different parts of myself. at the same time i am trying to make sense of the world around me, i am trying to make sense of the struggles my characters are going through, and the world they are fighting to create. i am leaving my world, because their world is the world i care about more, and until it is realized, i will be just a floating spectre wondering where he went wrong, questioning reality, and bitching about control.
there it is. not only is this story the focus of my life and the answer to my so called problems, it is the best answer. it actually has the potential to change everything. it is my potential, and i am inching closer to it being realized. things are getting to the point where random postulation doesn't cut it. it needs to be done, and it needs to be done right, or it will all be a waste of time. that is not an acceptable option. i will continue to slog foward on the outside to ensure that my ideas are still viable, and moving towards fruition. any complaints are just petty concerns, a vent for my impatience. so just don't listen to it. it is me recentering my head, so i can get back to my analysis that ultimately fuels my creation. everyone needs a break.
it is what i think about all the time. so much, that i have to try to not talk about it. once i start talking about it, there is no random chance element i can't control. i am locked in, it is what i know, and it is hard to stop. even when i do stop, the train of thought keeps going in my head, and inevitably end up staring off into space for a few minutes.
and i have so much fun doing it, at every level. writing, or just playing with ideas, i enjoy it all. it is one of the few things that fully clicks in my head. the most frustrating part is having to leave my second reality, and that is what i struggle with. everything just seems grey.
oh! and just to let everyone know. i didn't quit my job or start working for my dad. i got promoted instead. funny how things work. now, it is just a countdown until i get sick of the new job and start talking about quitting it. oops! i'm doomed.
but i should have sold my car. it has some crazy ass problems right now. i am afraid to take it in because of the things it is doing. pushing the breaks all the way in turns off the entire electrical system. what the fuck is that about? i don't know how i have such wierd problems with my cars. maybe i should just quit cars entirely.
but i should have sold my car. it has some crazy ass problems right now. i am afraid to take it in because of the things it is doing. pushing the breaks all the way in turns off the entire electrical system. what the fuck is that about? i don't know how i have such wierd problems with my cars. maybe i should just quit cars entirely.
here i am to save the day!
so what in the world is the deal with the wank these days. straight and to the point seems to have flown out the window. if i have said at any time that i am to the point, i was deceiving you. but deception is what i do best. i can skew any truth to match my truth, or wrap any lie in enough rosy imagery to make you want to believe it. with my nonexistant attention span, i can say something and mean what i am saying, then forget all about it thereby turning it into something cold and deceptive in scant minutes. sometimes my shoulder angel falls asleep, but the devil inside me has more important things to do, so for the most part we are left with random senseless idiocy.
it all amuses me. i don't really have all that much control of what i say in the first place. talking out loud always has a random element too it that i can't keep a firm grasp on. i don't take myself seriously, but when someone else does, instead of trying to make sense, i usually try to invent some straight-faced string of lies so outrageous, they don't know what to think. sometimes i come up with things that baffle even me, but usually that is when i am actually trying to make sense. it is all such a crapshoot in the first place, i just try to keep myself floating in between, and do everything i can to make myself seem just good enough at heart to be ignored. a lot of people think i have a benevolent spirit, but that is just the easiest way to deal with people. make yourself subtly obvious when you help people, and invisible when you are getting the upper hand. good people will think you are good as well, and bad people will think they are taking advantage of you.
so yeah, to the point or something. i don't think there is a point. don't trust me because i'm not even paying attention, maybe? i don't know. it seems to sum things up pretty well. maybe things will change when we are all cyborgs, but i doubt it. even if you had wires to plug into my head to see what i was thinking, i'd just start thinking what you wanted me to think, waiting for you to let your guard down so i could pull some stupid prank on you. certain things, i say i am trying to change to make myself look better to other people when i have no intention of doing so. i may even mean it when i say it at first. i guess my first problem is announcing stupid things to people. if something doesn't even matter to them, why tell them if i am not even going to tell them the whole truth? why? because i am a mischevious little monkey who likes to toy with things. i'd be the one in the cockpit switching random switches when the pilot isn't looking just to see if anything bad happened. ok, there is a good point to make. never travel in an airplane that i am flying.
fuck it, fuck points. i have no points. i am rambling, just to hear myself talk. i dangled a point in front of your nose just so i could watch you jump and try to catch it. this amuses me as well. good hunting, captains
so what in the world is the deal with the wank these days. straight and to the point seems to have flown out the window. if i have said at any time that i am to the point, i was deceiving you. but deception is what i do best. i can skew any truth to match my truth, or wrap any lie in enough rosy imagery to make you want to believe it. with my nonexistant attention span, i can say something and mean what i am saying, then forget all about it thereby turning it into something cold and deceptive in scant minutes. sometimes my shoulder angel falls asleep, but the devil inside me has more important things to do, so for the most part we are left with random senseless idiocy.
it all amuses me. i don't really have all that much control of what i say in the first place. talking out loud always has a random element too it that i can't keep a firm grasp on. i don't take myself seriously, but when someone else does, instead of trying to make sense, i usually try to invent some straight-faced string of lies so outrageous, they don't know what to think. sometimes i come up with things that baffle even me, but usually that is when i am actually trying to make sense. it is all such a crapshoot in the first place, i just try to keep myself floating in between, and do everything i can to make myself seem just good enough at heart to be ignored. a lot of people think i have a benevolent spirit, but that is just the easiest way to deal with people. make yourself subtly obvious when you help people, and invisible when you are getting the upper hand. good people will think you are good as well, and bad people will think they are taking advantage of you.
so yeah, to the point or something. i don't think there is a point. don't trust me because i'm not even paying attention, maybe? i don't know. it seems to sum things up pretty well. maybe things will change when we are all cyborgs, but i doubt it. even if you had wires to plug into my head to see what i was thinking, i'd just start thinking what you wanted me to think, waiting for you to let your guard down so i could pull some stupid prank on you. certain things, i say i am trying to change to make myself look better to other people when i have no intention of doing so. i may even mean it when i say it at first. i guess my first problem is announcing stupid things to people. if something doesn't even matter to them, why tell them if i am not even going to tell them the whole truth? why? because i am a mischevious little monkey who likes to toy with things. i'd be the one in the cockpit switching random switches when the pilot isn't looking just to see if anything bad happened. ok, there is a good point to make. never travel in an airplane that i am flying.
fuck it, fuck points. i have no points. i am rambling, just to hear myself talk. i dangled a point in front of your nose just so i could watch you jump and try to catch it. this amuses me as well. good hunting, captains
