Wednesday, August 30, 2006
i have figured something out tonight. why it is unfair for me to be around other people. why it is so infuriating for other people to be around me. i have been trying to track back through my drift to try and find some of the cues that pushed me out of the norm. if i say i am gone, what have i left behind. i acknowledge time's existance. technically i can watch it pass. i see it quantified, but i don't really believe it can be. i don't think it is quite so simple. i think time is quantified for mathematical and scientific purposes, and i think there lies my problem. math and science is built on theories. our best hypothesis. what we think to be true, until we find a better truth. most theories stay as theories, because there is something about them that doesn't fully fit. we can't use the atomic table as real indicator of the reality behind the elements because of all of the exceptions. the fact that hydrogen remains at the top of the list, yet is an exception to most every rule built out of the patterns in the table of the elements shows that there is more that we aren't seeing. that we are seeing just patterns, not the full reality. it is an imperfect analogy, but it is where my mind has taken me. just the same, our quantification of time is incomplete. our minds, my mind, doesn't accept it. we can force ourselves into its constraints, but it is still imperfect. seconds can blur into minutes can blur into hours. if we aren't paying attention, an hour can pass without our noticing, and it can feel the same as a second, or a half a day. the thing is, i believe that it doesn't really matter. someday our current quantification of time will be obsolete. it will be used as a tool, a mathematical shorthand. what have i left? i have left time behind. i don't believe in it. it is just a tool. i see that there is a certain amount of power behind using a concrete pattern to mark time, to turn it into something we can understand, but i don't think our measurement has any meaning. it is all arbitrary. thinking that 1 sec = 1 sec absolutely is a fallacy. it is forcing time to be something it is not. time is not rational like that.
i gave up on time a long time ago. it has been one of my oldest recurring themes, time does not really exist as we think it does. my mind doesn't actually register it unless i force it too. it is like a good lie. the more you commit to it, the more you flesh it out, the more real it becomes. the more concentration you devote to it, the more real it becomes to other people, until they don't know where the real truth ends and the lie picks up. it turns into accepted reality. but you end up devoting the entirety of your mind to keeping the lie intact, or risk having the entire reality unravel. i let time go. seconds, minutes and hours don't get my real concentration anymore. there is only the past and the future. the present isn't even a blip. there is only a grey area constituting the most recent past, and the nearest future. if you really think about it, you can travel freely through this space. if you try to concentrate on the single moment you are in right now, you are already in the past. as you try to comprehend one single moment, a moment that doesn't even exist, it is already gone, leaving you either trying to remember exactly what happened, or trying to anticipate what will happen in the next. but it isn't really there. none of it is really there. i don't even know what is there, but my best hypothesis, my working theory of the moment is one constant flow. there is never a single moment. there isn't a point to stop at and observe. you either take each moment in the context of what happened in the moment before, and what will happen in the moment after, in context of as much of the stream as you can see, or the moment loses any actual meaning. to me, it is just so disingenuous to try and break it into pieces. if you want to look for a moment, you have to look at the entire flow of time as a single moment, because there is no seperating things out.
therein lies the problem. i don't break my life into pieces when i can avoid it. my work day forces me to, but i forces those pieces back into the stream. each work day becomes it is own current in the stream. they all become a part of one single day, so to speak. everything fits into the flow. the time i spend doing anything fits into the flow. the real problem, the time i spend with people also fits back into the flow. lets face it, i have alienated most people. most people don't even care to deal with me, and i don't blame them. so lets take an example of someone i still do know. i can't say for certain the last time i saw ryan, because he has his own flow. i could describe to you almost exactly what happened during that flow, the games of soul calibur we played, the conversation we had, him in the hallway, me leaning against the doorjamb when he came over (ironically enough, a conversation about how we hadn't seen eachother in 3 months, a tidbit of information that astonished me because even then, i had no gauge of how long it had been), how he buzzed into my building and showed up at my door, how i buzzed him in, despite the fact that i didn't know he was coming over, and that he is the only person i have buzzed into the building without prior knowledge since i had moved in. but i don't know when it was. it doesn't even register to me anymore. but i am guessing it does matter to him. i bet he cares about all the time that has passed between then and now. to me, in relation to the way my mind deals with time, no 'time' has passed. my mind is just waiting for the flow to resume. that 'moment' is still floating in the grey area between the discernable past and the discernable future. it is hard to explain. it is hard for me to understand sometimes, and it is impossible for me to expect other people to deem acceptable, let alone embrace.
but it is part of what my mind has to teach me. it is part of the truth i am searching for. there is truth. there is perfect, unadulturated knowledge. every theory we strike down, every time we find a better explaination, we get closer. inside my mind, there is truth. there is knowledge to be unlocked. there are barriers between what i see, and what i am. time is one of them. time is one of the things i have left behind. time is one of the earthly ideas i have deemed ultimately unnecessary, but worthy of study. a hinderance if applied as an absolute, but still of use as a tool.
i am working towards a day without complaints to myself. without blame, only realization of causes and outcomes. towards a rational analysis of what my mind sees as the most plausible causes, and the most likely outcomes. most importantly, an acceptance of these likelyhoods, and the flexibility adjust to any new discoveries. someone i trust once told me this: "Don't be afraid of failure. It's in trying that you succeed. If you don't try, then you fail." for a long time i understood this to be true, without applying it to the context of myself. like everything, it is a partial truth, part of a larger idea. i took it as a sign of unending failure in myself, but it is not. an attempt can't be confined into a single event, a single moment. effort is a fluid force in the flow of time. you can't just drop an attempt like a rock into the flow. it has to work in harmony. the beginning of the attempt and the end result are a part of the same flow. if you start from a point that is incongruous with the end result, it is common sense that your effort won't end in the desired result. it takes time. it takes consistant effort, not just one initial push. not just consistant effort, but consistant effort in the correct context leading to the desired result. it is a flow, just like everything else. a lack of immediate results are not a sign of failure. it just means the full flow of events hasn't been realized yet. it isn't as simple as try:achieve.
and my train of thought is gone. it is always like this. you go through a whole line of thinking, knowing that what you have said is right. eventually, you try to write more, and you can't tell whether the current thought is false, or if everything else that came before it is jibberish as well. you just hit a wall, as unexplainable as the constant flow that came before it. that is always my stopping point. many times in the past, it resulted in me deleting entire posts out of bitter confusion. the fear of gibbersh was just to much. but this one stands. this one had meaning to me. this one came out without pause until the very end, where i hit that wall. to me, apparently this is important. now that this paragraph is here, i can't even see any of what i have written before; i don't even know what is there. i will deal with what i said sometime else, because right now, i am out of its flow.
i gave up on time a long time ago. it has been one of my oldest recurring themes, time does not really exist as we think it does. my mind doesn't actually register it unless i force it too. it is like a good lie. the more you commit to it, the more you flesh it out, the more real it becomes. the more concentration you devote to it, the more real it becomes to other people, until they don't know where the real truth ends and the lie picks up. it turns into accepted reality. but you end up devoting the entirety of your mind to keeping the lie intact, or risk having the entire reality unravel. i let time go. seconds, minutes and hours don't get my real concentration anymore. there is only the past and the future. the present isn't even a blip. there is only a grey area constituting the most recent past, and the nearest future. if you really think about it, you can travel freely through this space. if you try to concentrate on the single moment you are in right now, you are already in the past. as you try to comprehend one single moment, a moment that doesn't even exist, it is already gone, leaving you either trying to remember exactly what happened, or trying to anticipate what will happen in the next. but it isn't really there. none of it is really there. i don't even know what is there, but my best hypothesis, my working theory of the moment is one constant flow. there is never a single moment. there isn't a point to stop at and observe. you either take each moment in the context of what happened in the moment before, and what will happen in the moment after, in context of as much of the stream as you can see, or the moment loses any actual meaning. to me, it is just so disingenuous to try and break it into pieces. if you want to look for a moment, you have to look at the entire flow of time as a single moment, because there is no seperating things out.
therein lies the problem. i don't break my life into pieces when i can avoid it. my work day forces me to, but i forces those pieces back into the stream. each work day becomes it is own current in the stream. they all become a part of one single day, so to speak. everything fits into the flow. the time i spend doing anything fits into the flow. the real problem, the time i spend with people also fits back into the flow. lets face it, i have alienated most people. most people don't even care to deal with me, and i don't blame them. so lets take an example of someone i still do know. i can't say for certain the last time i saw ryan, because he has his own flow. i could describe to you almost exactly what happened during that flow, the games of soul calibur we played, the conversation we had, him in the hallway, me leaning against the doorjamb when he came over (ironically enough, a conversation about how we hadn't seen eachother in 3 months, a tidbit of information that astonished me because even then, i had no gauge of how long it had been), how he buzzed into my building and showed up at my door, how i buzzed him in, despite the fact that i didn't know he was coming over, and that he is the only person i have buzzed into the building without prior knowledge since i had moved in. but i don't know when it was. it doesn't even register to me anymore. but i am guessing it does matter to him. i bet he cares about all the time that has passed between then and now. to me, in relation to the way my mind deals with time, no 'time' has passed. my mind is just waiting for the flow to resume. that 'moment' is still floating in the grey area between the discernable past and the discernable future. it is hard to explain. it is hard for me to understand sometimes, and it is impossible for me to expect other people to deem acceptable, let alone embrace.
but it is part of what my mind has to teach me. it is part of the truth i am searching for. there is truth. there is perfect, unadulturated knowledge. every theory we strike down, every time we find a better explaination, we get closer. inside my mind, there is truth. there is knowledge to be unlocked. there are barriers between what i see, and what i am. time is one of them. time is one of the things i have left behind. time is one of the earthly ideas i have deemed ultimately unnecessary, but worthy of study. a hinderance if applied as an absolute, but still of use as a tool.
i am working towards a day without complaints to myself. without blame, only realization of causes and outcomes. towards a rational analysis of what my mind sees as the most plausible causes, and the most likely outcomes. most importantly, an acceptance of these likelyhoods, and the flexibility adjust to any new discoveries. someone i trust once told me this: "Don't be afraid of failure. It's in trying that you succeed. If you don't try, then you fail." for a long time i understood this to be true, without applying it to the context of myself. like everything, it is a partial truth, part of a larger idea. i took it as a sign of unending failure in myself, but it is not. an attempt can't be confined into a single event, a single moment. effort is a fluid force in the flow of time. you can't just drop an attempt like a rock into the flow. it has to work in harmony. the beginning of the attempt and the end result are a part of the same flow. if you start from a point that is incongruous with the end result, it is common sense that your effort won't end in the desired result. it takes time. it takes consistant effort, not just one initial push. not just consistant effort, but consistant effort in the correct context leading to the desired result. it is a flow, just like everything else. a lack of immediate results are not a sign of failure. it just means the full flow of events hasn't been realized yet. it isn't as simple as try:achieve.
and my train of thought is gone. it is always like this. you go through a whole line of thinking, knowing that what you have said is right. eventually, you try to write more, and you can't tell whether the current thought is false, or if everything else that came before it is jibberish as well. you just hit a wall, as unexplainable as the constant flow that came before it. that is always my stopping point. many times in the past, it resulted in me deleting entire posts out of bitter confusion. the fear of gibbersh was just to much. but this one stands. this one had meaning to me. this one came out without pause until the very end, where i hit that wall. to me, apparently this is important. now that this paragraph is here, i can't even see any of what i have written before; i don't even know what is there. i will deal with what i said sometime else, because right now, i am out of its flow.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
all this recent griping is just a release. sometimes a sublte shift in force is all you need to bounce in another direction. push the corrupting factors out so they don't fester. allow the train of thought regain forward momentum.
i guess i feel like what i fight the most is other people's attempts to control me. i look back at my life, and see one constant string of people trying to control the way i think and the way i live my life. it may come to no surprise after knowing me and reading what i have to say, but the most important thing to me is to live my life under my own control. i am willing to sacrifice things that may seem important in order to fight all attempts by other people to dictate what i think and what i do. in the end, i don't really care about anything else. i just want to be left alone, so i can go about my own business in my own distinct way.
what i see when i go outside, or watch the television or read the paper is one system of control after another. as soon as they try to encroach on my own life, i cut them out. and slowly over the course of a few years, i have cut everything out of my life. i don't trust anything anymore, i just see the entire world around me trying to steal my brain so they can get to my bank account. i am paranoid, and making every attempt to go off the grid. the only thing left that can bring me down is my internet habits. porn and music are going to be end of me. since when do american men with a full time job have to worry about porn and music! the world has gone crazy, and i wonder why i am so paranoid.
it almost feels like i live my life in protest. like i feel there is no place for me, so i am taking my ball and going home. i feel like a petty person, but i am not a whore. i don't want to sell myself for unnecessary trinkets. i have an athenian mindset forced into a spartan existance. i don't live in a world of ideas and advancement, i live in a world of control. i am being herded and milked like a cow, and all i can do is clinch up and squeeze out as little as possible, and hope they don't lead me to the slaughter house for my insolence.
it is just so much safer at home and alone, where the outside forces can be held in check by the safety of four walls and curtains to blind prying eyes. i don't trust anyone. i don't even trust anyone with my ideas. that is why there i turned off comments, and took sluts out of the title. i don't want people stumbling in here in the first place. i don't trust people enough to read what i have to say. look at the main page and the meditation page. the comments are filled with spam for stock scams and illegal pharmacies, posted by commenting robots. there is no such thing as a safe haven from exploitation.
what i see when i go outside, or watch the television or read the paper is one system of control after another. as soon as they try to encroach on my own life, i cut them out. and slowly over the course of a few years, i have cut everything out of my life. i don't trust anything anymore, i just see the entire world around me trying to steal my brain so they can get to my bank account. i am paranoid, and making every attempt to go off the grid. the only thing left that can bring me down is my internet habits. porn and music are going to be end of me. since when do american men with a full time job have to worry about porn and music! the world has gone crazy, and i wonder why i am so paranoid.
it almost feels like i live my life in protest. like i feel there is no place for me, so i am taking my ball and going home. i feel like a petty person, but i am not a whore. i don't want to sell myself for unnecessary trinkets. i have an athenian mindset forced into a spartan existance. i don't live in a world of ideas and advancement, i live in a world of control. i am being herded and milked like a cow, and all i can do is clinch up and squeeze out as little as possible, and hope they don't lead me to the slaughter house for my insolence.
it is just so much safer at home and alone, where the outside forces can be held in check by the safety of four walls and curtains to blind prying eyes. i don't trust anyone. i don't even trust anyone with my ideas. that is why there i turned off comments, and took sluts out of the title. i don't want people stumbling in here in the first place. i don't trust people enough to read what i have to say. look at the main page and the meditation page. the comments are filled with spam for stock scams and illegal pharmacies, posted by commenting robots. there is no such thing as a safe haven from exploitation.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
i am gone. that is the only explaination, i am just gone. i have left. i don't like the paths that are immediately open too me, so i have left the world. i have created my own world for me. something inside of me, something basic and unavoidable is rejecting the things i see around me. so i am gone. i am futilely waiting for the real world and my own to reunite so i can feel completely right again and continue alongside everyone else. the more time passes, and the more the seperation grows, the more the hope that this will ever happen fades. so my own world grows to accomodate my needs. the only thing i can do is create my own world where things are right, and i am able to live. we all have to find a way to live.
sometimes i still wish that i was still the fake me living in the real world, instead of the real me living in the fake world. there were times where i was amused, if not happy, but eventually my mind tore itself apart.
i deserve a chance to stay alive. the real me, not the fake me i created to deal with the real world, then subsequently destroyed. the real me refuses to deal with it because it has found somewhere that makes more sense. my time outside of my house is just humoring reality out of necessity. if i didn't have to leave, i wouldn't. period. to the rest of the world, i am gone, i have left completely. but to me and my world when i leave reality it means i have finally arrived to the place i want to be. the place i would rather live. a place where the real me can live fully, upright and unhindered instead of cowering underneath the concessions of the real world. concessions that apparently we all must make, but that eat at my mind and my soul. because i feel i have the right to live, and this is the solution i have found that makes life possible. i just wish i could take people with me. maybe someday i will find a way.
sometimes i still wish that i was still the fake me living in the real world, instead of the real me living in the fake world. there were times where i was amused, if not happy, but eventually my mind tore itself apart.
i deserve a chance to stay alive. the real me, not the fake me i created to deal with the real world, then subsequently destroyed. the real me refuses to deal with it because it has found somewhere that makes more sense. my time outside of my house is just humoring reality out of necessity. if i didn't have to leave, i wouldn't. period. to the rest of the world, i am gone, i have left completely. but to me and my world when i leave reality it means i have finally arrived to the place i want to be. the place i would rather live. a place where the real me can live fully, upright and unhindered instead of cowering underneath the concessions of the real world. concessions that apparently we all must make, but that eat at my mind and my soul. because i feel i have the right to live, and this is the solution i have found that makes life possible. i just wish i could take people with me. maybe someday i will find a way.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
whenever i go into my mind, it will eventually take over for a bit before pooping me back out my eyes into the real world. i can control it by reading different things on the internet. whenever i read political articles, i daydream about being the president. whenever i read my movie pages, i dream about making my shows, either the animated version of my books, or the new Terry Goodkind mini-series that was just licensed by Sam Raimi. he is going to be making it after spider-man. note to balls: come back, and then hunt down Sam Raimi. then sell our soul to be involved. anyways, you get the idea. sports, i'm the GM. There is just never enough stuff to read i guess, so I just fill in some of the blanks. the future is just so much more fun.
but anyways, back to the president daydream. i am the president that gave everyone a respite from politics. the spoof reality-tv show version of the president. i want to be the president who shows up in pictures holding a rooster above my head quoted saying, "hands off our cocks!" i think my staff would make game out of rediculous headlines. every staff meeting would start by tallying up our points from the day before. if i can get 'hands off our cocks' on page one, that will be a ten pointer for sure. it will be the biggest coup in headline game history.
but anyways, back to the president daydream. i am the president that gave everyone a respite from politics. the spoof reality-tv show version of the president. i want to be the president who shows up in pictures holding a rooster above my head quoted saying, "hands off our cocks!" i think my staff would make game out of rediculous headlines. every staff meeting would start by tallying up our points from the day before. if i can get 'hands off our cocks' on page one, that will be a ten pointer for sure. it will be the biggest coup in headline game history.
