Saturday, June 24, 2006
"it makes no difference if i exist or not, yet i care so deeply i go on existing."
-paraphrased from ryan
i don't think i could have said it better myself. this is the crux of my journey, the disconnect between internal and external. once i leave my mind, suddenly nothing makes sense and everything is backwards. at one point, i thought it was wrong to let my personal view of the world and the way i wanted the world to be to drift too far from the reality i saw around me. i thought it would be destructive. i thought if i immersed myself into humanity, all of humanity, i could find peace between myself and everyone else around me. i was naive thinking that anyone else wanted to live harmoniously with me. i was even more naive thinking the rest of the world could provide me peace before i had found it inside myself.
i did find the illusion of peace, a sort of peace with everyone around me at the expense of myself. and i found that no one wanted, or appreciated this peace. my happy go lucky nature became a weakness in the eyes of others, which i came to resent. i came to resent myself for sacrificing those thoughts i could have for myself for the sake of others, and the well-being of everyone.
inside, i was lying to myself. i told myself 'this is the way the world is, so this is the way i should be'. first, i learned to lie to myself. then i learned to lie to others. both, in my opinion were vital to my plan for peace of mind. diffusing confrontations before they happened by telling people what they wanted to hear in the first place. diffusing confrontations in my head by adhering to a popular opinion that would never cause waves, and was so vague and void of substance, that it could never be construed as inflammitory.
i don't know at what point i gave up on the rest of the world. i do know there was one point at my old house in wedgwood that i decided i wasn't going to lie to myself anymore. lying to everyone else might serve an external purpose, but lying internally only hurt myself, and only effected myself. since then, i have been slowly stripping away years of lies, going back to my adolescence where the whole twisted thought pattern of deception began. what i have found, is that the more i find out about myself, the more i dislike the way i was, and the more i dislike everyone else by association. i leave my head, and everything seems wrong.
so, as i progress further into my mind, and further to the truth about myself. my mind is chaotic. there is absolute brilliance. there is absolute stupidity. coming to grips with both has let me explore each one further. i wish i could say i could eradicate the stupidity, which is something i had originally set out to do. but i can't. what i can do is keep it internal. i can limit what the rest of the world experiences through me. i can have everything i want in my head, and show everyone else glimpses, and control what those glimpses are.
inside of me, there is something everyone else wants. there is something magnetic about me that draws people to me. my self-esteem issues used to open this up to anyone who wanted it, leaving me and my mind open to the whims of other people. this is what was destructive. that same thing that is magnetic about me is the same thing that should have been closed off to other people. it is the thing that makes me different, and greater than those people that would use it to live vicariously through me because they can't find it in themselves.
i have always used this thing as an easy way out. when in doubt, just surrender myself to my mind. remove all worries and proceed forward. either i will be judged worthy by myself, and my mind will decide to solve my problems for me, or i will fail. given time and effort, i can circumvent the need to do this, but i don't see the necessity for time and effort anymore. that time and effort could be used to build up this ability that has been the greatest positive influence on my life. i don't need to prove to myself i can do things without this ability anymore, like everyone else does. because in the end, this ability is mine and mine alone. trying to tell other people about it, and teach them to emulate it is dishonest. it will just lead them to failure, and me to frustration.
the difference between then and now, is that i used to live outside of myself. this greatness was not used for me, it was surrendered to other people. in turn, it because twisted by my own lies, and the lies i shared with other people. it was externalized, and because of the deception, it led me straight into the failures i deserved.
this thing is now my world. it is exclusively for my use again. inside myself, i see the greatest potential for the future. i see myself, and i see the things i could learn about myself that no one could ever know. i see a greater brilliance that i still can't understand, but i know it is there because i can see glimpses of it. just as i show flashes of what i know about it to other people, it shows flashes of itself to me. i see it as the pentultimate me of the future. everything i can and will eventually be is there in my mind. all the memories i haven't quite gotten too yet are there to guide me, and help me along my way. and because it is me and it is still there, the fact that i haven't achieved its full brilliance doesn't matter. the things i do now can't be thought of as a failure to meet my potential, because i can still see my future self realized inside me.
inside me. not as a function of the world around me, but inside me. i could disappear from the world i know, and it would still be there. everything around me could crumble to pieces in war or plague, and i would still be there, moving forward. to use ryan's thinking, i am now externally passive, so i can be internally active. i don't see hope for everyone else. i don't see hope for the world i live in. i can't bother myself with those things anymore. i used to think i could bring hope to the world, but i no longer think of it as my duty. i move on. i care deeply about myself, and the person i am going to become. i live the way i do, true to myself (and by proxy my future self) so i can give this thing the chance to come to fruition.
eventually when the time is right, there will be a part of this world that i control. i will be able to show this small part of the world the things i know, and build it into a place for me to live in harmony with those external pieces that choose to be a part of it. but it is not now, and the place doesn't exist yet. all i can do is keep preparing myself, keep searching myself for the answers that will help me build this into a place i want to live in. because i have the answers, even if i won't show them to myself yet. i can reach out to those answers, and they will talk back when i need them too. those people who try to force their answers on me are now refused access to me and mine. at this point in time, it is easier for me to refuse access to everyone, because the gap between 'those people' and everyone is indistinguishable.
this post is for ryan (and matt, but matt is already there to see a lot of what i have said). they are that gap. i think he knows me. i think the person inside me and the person inside him know eachother in the future. he knows this journey is necessary, and i think there is a part of him that wishes he could be a part of it. i don't want to put thoughts in his head, but i think he wishes he could both help me with my struggles, and use them as a guide through his own. i think he thinks this way, because those are the thoughts in my head. in the end, i need to be true to myself in this as well. as nice as it would be to ignore the search for my own answers by using his, it would be counter productive. that external chunk of my internal world just does not exist yet. all i can let out now is glimpses. and it is great when he is there to see those glimpses, but i can't change my internal life, which is currently my entire life to try and make sure he is there to experience them. the person inside of me is still tenuous. it still isn't under control. the quest for honesty with oneself leads to a fair amount of upheaval, and it would be unfair to pawn this upheaval off on someone else until i have a better grasp on dealing with it myself. so he becomes a casualty, for the time being, as i wrestle with myself and what i need.
this post is also for myself. this blog used to serve a huge purpose for the external me. it was the link between the external me, the person i thought was myself, and the internal me. this became the voice of the internal me, and my only real contact with it. when i realized that the internal me was the real driving force between everything that is me, it started to lose its necessity, but the purpose is still there. it has been internalized as well, but that does not mean that this blog is useless as a conduit. it is still viable as a communication tool with myself. there just isn't anything the external me has to say anymore, so there isn't a need for an external conversation
this is why i am trying to remove myself from the world. more accurately, i am trying to remove the external world from me, because i care deeply about myself, and i can do so much more at this point alone and internalized. i am so deeply immersed, that veering from the path i am on isn't even an option.
-paraphrased from ryan
i don't think i could have said it better myself. this is the crux of my journey, the disconnect between internal and external. once i leave my mind, suddenly nothing makes sense and everything is backwards. at one point, i thought it was wrong to let my personal view of the world and the way i wanted the world to be to drift too far from the reality i saw around me. i thought it would be destructive. i thought if i immersed myself into humanity, all of humanity, i could find peace between myself and everyone else around me. i was naive thinking that anyone else wanted to live harmoniously with me. i was even more naive thinking the rest of the world could provide me peace before i had found it inside myself.
i did find the illusion of peace, a sort of peace with everyone around me at the expense of myself. and i found that no one wanted, or appreciated this peace. my happy go lucky nature became a weakness in the eyes of others, which i came to resent. i came to resent myself for sacrificing those thoughts i could have for myself for the sake of others, and the well-being of everyone.
inside, i was lying to myself. i told myself 'this is the way the world is, so this is the way i should be'. first, i learned to lie to myself. then i learned to lie to others. both, in my opinion were vital to my plan for peace of mind. diffusing confrontations before they happened by telling people what they wanted to hear in the first place. diffusing confrontations in my head by adhering to a popular opinion that would never cause waves, and was so vague and void of substance, that it could never be construed as inflammitory.
i don't know at what point i gave up on the rest of the world. i do know there was one point at my old house in wedgwood that i decided i wasn't going to lie to myself anymore. lying to everyone else might serve an external purpose, but lying internally only hurt myself, and only effected myself. since then, i have been slowly stripping away years of lies, going back to my adolescence where the whole twisted thought pattern of deception began. what i have found, is that the more i find out about myself, the more i dislike the way i was, and the more i dislike everyone else by association. i leave my head, and everything seems wrong.
so, as i progress further into my mind, and further to the truth about myself. my mind is chaotic. there is absolute brilliance. there is absolute stupidity. coming to grips with both has let me explore each one further. i wish i could say i could eradicate the stupidity, which is something i had originally set out to do. but i can't. what i can do is keep it internal. i can limit what the rest of the world experiences through me. i can have everything i want in my head, and show everyone else glimpses, and control what those glimpses are.
inside of me, there is something everyone else wants. there is something magnetic about me that draws people to me. my self-esteem issues used to open this up to anyone who wanted it, leaving me and my mind open to the whims of other people. this is what was destructive. that same thing that is magnetic about me is the same thing that should have been closed off to other people. it is the thing that makes me different, and greater than those people that would use it to live vicariously through me because they can't find it in themselves.
i have always used this thing as an easy way out. when in doubt, just surrender myself to my mind. remove all worries and proceed forward. either i will be judged worthy by myself, and my mind will decide to solve my problems for me, or i will fail. given time and effort, i can circumvent the need to do this, but i don't see the necessity for time and effort anymore. that time and effort could be used to build up this ability that has been the greatest positive influence on my life. i don't need to prove to myself i can do things without this ability anymore, like everyone else does. because in the end, this ability is mine and mine alone. trying to tell other people about it, and teach them to emulate it is dishonest. it will just lead them to failure, and me to frustration.
the difference between then and now, is that i used to live outside of myself. this greatness was not used for me, it was surrendered to other people. in turn, it because twisted by my own lies, and the lies i shared with other people. it was externalized, and because of the deception, it led me straight into the failures i deserved.
this thing is now my world. it is exclusively for my use again. inside myself, i see the greatest potential for the future. i see myself, and i see the things i could learn about myself that no one could ever know. i see a greater brilliance that i still can't understand, but i know it is there because i can see glimpses of it. just as i show flashes of what i know about it to other people, it shows flashes of itself to me. i see it as the pentultimate me of the future. everything i can and will eventually be is there in my mind. all the memories i haven't quite gotten too yet are there to guide me, and help me along my way. and because it is me and it is still there, the fact that i haven't achieved its full brilliance doesn't matter. the things i do now can't be thought of as a failure to meet my potential, because i can still see my future self realized inside me.
inside me. not as a function of the world around me, but inside me. i could disappear from the world i know, and it would still be there. everything around me could crumble to pieces in war or plague, and i would still be there, moving forward. to use ryan's thinking, i am now externally passive, so i can be internally active. i don't see hope for everyone else. i don't see hope for the world i live in. i can't bother myself with those things anymore. i used to think i could bring hope to the world, but i no longer think of it as my duty. i move on. i care deeply about myself, and the person i am going to become. i live the way i do, true to myself (and by proxy my future self) so i can give this thing the chance to come to fruition.
eventually when the time is right, there will be a part of this world that i control. i will be able to show this small part of the world the things i know, and build it into a place for me to live in harmony with those external pieces that choose to be a part of it. but it is not now, and the place doesn't exist yet. all i can do is keep preparing myself, keep searching myself for the answers that will help me build this into a place i want to live in. because i have the answers, even if i won't show them to myself yet. i can reach out to those answers, and they will talk back when i need them too. those people who try to force their answers on me are now refused access to me and mine. at this point in time, it is easier for me to refuse access to everyone, because the gap between 'those people' and everyone is indistinguishable.
this post is for ryan (and matt, but matt is already there to see a lot of what i have said). they are that gap. i think he knows me. i think the person inside me and the person inside him know eachother in the future. he knows this journey is necessary, and i think there is a part of him that wishes he could be a part of it. i don't want to put thoughts in his head, but i think he wishes he could both help me with my struggles, and use them as a guide through his own. i think he thinks this way, because those are the thoughts in my head. in the end, i need to be true to myself in this as well. as nice as it would be to ignore the search for my own answers by using his, it would be counter productive. that external chunk of my internal world just does not exist yet. all i can let out now is glimpses. and it is great when he is there to see those glimpses, but i can't change my internal life, which is currently my entire life to try and make sure he is there to experience them. the person inside of me is still tenuous. it still isn't under control. the quest for honesty with oneself leads to a fair amount of upheaval, and it would be unfair to pawn this upheaval off on someone else until i have a better grasp on dealing with it myself. so he becomes a casualty, for the time being, as i wrestle with myself and what i need.
this post is also for myself. this blog used to serve a huge purpose for the external me. it was the link between the external me, the person i thought was myself, and the internal me. this became the voice of the internal me, and my only real contact with it. when i realized that the internal me was the real driving force between everything that is me, it started to lose its necessity, but the purpose is still there. it has been internalized as well, but that does not mean that this blog is useless as a conduit. it is still viable as a communication tool with myself. there just isn't anything the external me has to say anymore, so there isn't a need for an external conversation
this is why i am trying to remove myself from the world. more accurately, i am trying to remove the external world from me, because i care deeply about myself, and i can do so much more at this point alone and internalized. i am so deeply immersed, that veering from the path i am on isn't even an option.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
