Monday, January 24, 2005
Hair, GONE. it is such a painful experience
one kind of nice thing, the hair stylist was really sad when she cut it. she said it was beautiful hair, and kept asking me if i was sure i wanted it cut before she started. i have kind of a wierd relationship with my hair. i am pretty vain when it comes to my hair. which is strange, because i never do anything to it. i don't comb it, or brush it, or anything, i just run my fingers through it and see what happens. day to day it would be different, sometimes sublty, sometimes much more drastically.
i really liked having long hair, because it had its own character. i think that everyone grew their hair out, it would be easier for people to form a sense of personal identity. instead of trying to look like someone else, you can use your hair as another accessory. i always thought maybe it was just me, because most people looked at me like i was crazy for having long hair, but i liked the way it looked, and i liked the fact that it was completely mine. no one had hair like mine because everyone's hair is different.
anyways, it was nice to get a little reaffrimation of my vanities from the hairstylist. it was nice hair, after all.
on the flipside, it is nice to see it go. now i can shave without worrying about looking like some wierd, tall, anime hermaphrodite. too tall to be a woman, too pretty to be a man! is it wearing a wig? oh well, it will grow back. it just feels like i've lost an arm or something and i haven't noticed yet. something feels wrong, but i can't quite figure out what it is.
really, i'm just trying to avoid the fact that my one month sabbatical is over, and i have to go get a job by the end of the week. it is enough to tie my stomach into knots. why is it so scary? this job is going to be the sweetest setup in the world. i am practically guaranteed to be hired, there are low expectations, it is beyond flexible, and i still get to drive all day, without having to work in a dumb restaurant. i'm not afraid of the job, i'm afraid of the process of change. i'm perfectly happy curled up in a ball in the corner of my room doing nothing.
that is what i've learned today
i'm not afraid of change, i'm afraid of getting the ball rolling. inertia is funny like that.
R.I.P Hair. 5/03 - 1/05
one kind of nice thing, the hair stylist was really sad when she cut it. she said it was beautiful hair, and kept asking me if i was sure i wanted it cut before she started. i have kind of a wierd relationship with my hair. i am pretty vain when it comes to my hair. which is strange, because i never do anything to it. i don't comb it, or brush it, or anything, i just run my fingers through it and see what happens. day to day it would be different, sometimes sublty, sometimes much more drastically.
i really liked having long hair, because it had its own character. i think that everyone grew their hair out, it would be easier for people to form a sense of personal identity. instead of trying to look like someone else, you can use your hair as another accessory. i always thought maybe it was just me, because most people looked at me like i was crazy for having long hair, but i liked the way it looked, and i liked the fact that it was completely mine. no one had hair like mine because everyone's hair is different.
anyways, it was nice to get a little reaffrimation of my vanities from the hairstylist. it was nice hair, after all.
on the flipside, it is nice to see it go. now i can shave without worrying about looking like some wierd, tall, anime hermaphrodite. too tall to be a woman, too pretty to be a man! is it wearing a wig? oh well, it will grow back. it just feels like i've lost an arm or something and i haven't noticed yet. something feels wrong, but i can't quite figure out what it is.
really, i'm just trying to avoid the fact that my one month sabbatical is over, and i have to go get a job by the end of the week. it is enough to tie my stomach into knots. why is it so scary? this job is going to be the sweetest setup in the world. i am practically guaranteed to be hired, there are low expectations, it is beyond flexible, and i still get to drive all day, without having to work in a dumb restaurant. i'm not afraid of the job, i'm afraid of the process of change. i'm perfectly happy curled up in a ball in the corner of my room doing nothing.
that is what i've learned today
i'm not afraid of change, i'm afraid of getting the ball rolling. inertia is funny like that.
R.I.P Hair. 5/03 - 1/05
Friday, January 21, 2005
blooped into a shifty sea of shifty morality.
sometimes i question whether i can tell right from wrong. whether there even is a right and wrong. sometimes my impulses lead me into what others might call darkness. i just can't tell. all i have is what i know.
i am tired of shifting my morality to try and connect to other people. to impress people so they might respect my opinion. it costs me my respect for myself, every time i say something i don't mean. i don't know what other people think. i am tired of trying to figure out what i think by taking cues from other people. i know right from wrong. if you don't agree with me, then i guess we are at odds. at this point, i'd rather have people disagree with me than lie. i can always change my mind if i am wrong. i can't keep changing my mind before i know that i am not right.
it is easy enough to say. in a day everything will be reversed, and i'll be cramped with contrasting views of good and evil. depersonalization or derealization, or both? spin the wheel. every day is a new day, a new shadow of reality. its funny, because i'm not sure which is more frightening, the feeling that nothing else can possibly be real, or the feeling that at any moment i could fade away, having never existed in the first place. which is right, and which is wrong. sometimes i just can't tell. all i can do is wait and see
sometimes i question whether i can tell right from wrong. whether there even is a right and wrong. sometimes my impulses lead me into what others might call darkness. i just can't tell. all i have is what i know.
i am tired of shifting my morality to try and connect to other people. to impress people so they might respect my opinion. it costs me my respect for myself, every time i say something i don't mean. i don't know what other people think. i am tired of trying to figure out what i think by taking cues from other people. i know right from wrong. if you don't agree with me, then i guess we are at odds. at this point, i'd rather have people disagree with me than lie. i can always change my mind if i am wrong. i can't keep changing my mind before i know that i am not right.
it is easy enough to say. in a day everything will be reversed, and i'll be cramped with contrasting views of good and evil. depersonalization or derealization, or both? spin the wheel. every day is a new day, a new shadow of reality. its funny, because i'm not sure which is more frightening, the feeling that nothing else can possibly be real, or the feeling that at any moment i could fade away, having never existed in the first place. which is right, and which is wrong. sometimes i just can't tell. all i can do is wait and see
Wednesday, January 12, 2005
i've been running from it all week, but everywhere i turn today i see the seahawks losing.
i keep thinking it over and over, just like i was during the game. why the hell were all those defensive backs on the field so much trying to play zone defense against a vertical offense designed to stretch upfield to kill zone defenses. it took marcus trufant and ken lucas out of the picture because their recievers would just run away from their zones and slip in between manuel and richard and those other dudes who should have been on the bench. that stupid deep zone stunt screwed us all year. i don't think it ever worked, but every game in the 4th quarter we'd get down and you'd see 6 or 7 guys out there spread out over 30 or 40 yards, with 4 guys on the line trying to rush the passer. all the qbs had to do was sit there until they saw their dudes streaking towards the back pockets in the zone in the middle of the field away from our two best defenders who were covering the deep outside lanes, then unload towards the endzone and let their dude prance underneath while our backup dbs are diligently covering the short and middle inside slant zones like they've been told to do. it is like playing with 7 or 8 defenders on the field instead of 11. it just didn't stop anyone, at all.
when the rams ran 5 recievers onto the field, you kind of need those guys out there, but they were misused. i'd put trufant and lucas on holt and bruce, knowing they are the deep speed threat. then put hamlin cheating up a little for the quick slant/last ditch run stop guy, with two guys behind him, all with coverage assignments for the other 3 recievers. that leaves another lone safety deep in the middle of the field, ready to break towards the ball, or cheat over if he sees someone with the chance to get open on a deep inside slant.
would it have kill us to have 5 linemen on the field during these 5 reciever sets instead of having 7 dbs or an extra linebacker in, especially with all the injuries we had? no one gets double teamed, so you can get a legitimate pass rush. we have chad brown who could move from olb in as an end when winstrom is injured, and antonio cochran waiting as our third down guy fresh just waiting for these chances to get in the game. the 4 man rush wasn't working, at all. having that one linebacker sitting back there waiting for the running back who's not on the field wasting a spot. if they are going to put up a flimsy line up there to overplay towards the pass, lets throw some serious beef at them and collapse the pocket.
don't even get me started on how we over played the pass and still got beat on their 3 and 4 receiver sets with our crazy zones. the rams destroyed zones twice this season. oh wait, we need to stick within the system. the system will prevail. the system that ranked 26th in the freaking league or whatever we dropped too! we are so scared to death of that damn deep pass that we take our best players away from what they do best, and it beats us every time. but what do i know.
so in the offseason, who do we keep? we should resign chike and lucas on defense, hasselbeck and walter jones on offense. after that, i don't really care. it would be nice to see towbeck and porkchop womack come back too. alexander can go get his rushing title for a last place team in miami, then slowly decline into oblivion. mili is a good guy to have around, especially since our receivers are balls. that would give us 3 good tight ends. the offense really needs koren robinson to step up as a deep thread, and jerramy stevens to step up as a the inside short threat. they should be our future, not bobby engram. none of them can catch balls anyways, i'd rather have our young guys dropping them.
koren robinson is the key to next season unless we get another #1 reciever, which is unlikely. darrel jackson is not a number one. he makes an awesome #2, but he doesn't have #1 potential in him. if koren robinson doesn't really step it up this offseason and get into shape, our passing game is still shaky, and our offense will always revolve around the passing game as long as holmgren is here. as much as i love alexander, he is wasted on this team, and won't be worth as much as we would have to pay him. i just wish he fit into the offense a little better. imagine how scary it would be if he would block every once in a while, then roll out into the flat and get the ball in open field off a screen. of course, hasselback would have to see him, throw the ball to him instead of behind him or over him, then he would have to catch the ball. all of these things seem to be beyond our capabilities
anyways, now that i have that all out, injuries killed us on defense this season. having winstrom and chad brown on the field at the same time is a nice prospect for next season :D and hey, despite all of our suckage, we still won the nfc west championship! that was awesome. i have faith in our teams' ability to not suck as much, and if we can do that we have a good shot at another division championship next season. and if we do that, we make it to the playoffs again, and have another shot at fame and glory and uncountable riches. i still love the seahawks, and at least this year was entertaining. so, as we say in seattle sports land, next season will be different!
i keep thinking it over and over, just like i was during the game. why the hell were all those defensive backs on the field so much trying to play zone defense against a vertical offense designed to stretch upfield to kill zone defenses. it took marcus trufant and ken lucas out of the picture because their recievers would just run away from their zones and slip in between manuel and richard and those other dudes who should have been on the bench. that stupid deep zone stunt screwed us all year. i don't think it ever worked, but every game in the 4th quarter we'd get down and you'd see 6 or 7 guys out there spread out over 30 or 40 yards, with 4 guys on the line trying to rush the passer. all the qbs had to do was sit there until they saw their dudes streaking towards the back pockets in the zone in the middle of the field away from our two best defenders who were covering the deep outside lanes, then unload towards the endzone and let their dude prance underneath while our backup dbs are diligently covering the short and middle inside slant zones like they've been told to do. it is like playing with 7 or 8 defenders on the field instead of 11. it just didn't stop anyone, at all.
when the rams ran 5 recievers onto the field, you kind of need those guys out there, but they were misused. i'd put trufant and lucas on holt and bruce, knowing they are the deep speed threat. then put hamlin cheating up a little for the quick slant/last ditch run stop guy, with two guys behind him, all with coverage assignments for the other 3 recievers. that leaves another lone safety deep in the middle of the field, ready to break towards the ball, or cheat over if he sees someone with the chance to get open on a deep inside slant.
would it have kill us to have 5 linemen on the field during these 5 reciever sets instead of having 7 dbs or an extra linebacker in, especially with all the injuries we had? no one gets double teamed, so you can get a legitimate pass rush. we have chad brown who could move from olb in as an end when winstrom is injured, and antonio cochran waiting as our third down guy fresh just waiting for these chances to get in the game. the 4 man rush wasn't working, at all. having that one linebacker sitting back there waiting for the running back who's not on the field wasting a spot. if they are going to put up a flimsy line up there to overplay towards the pass, lets throw some serious beef at them and collapse the pocket.
don't even get me started on how we over played the pass and still got beat on their 3 and 4 receiver sets with our crazy zones. the rams destroyed zones twice this season. oh wait, we need to stick within the system. the system will prevail. the system that ranked 26th in the freaking league or whatever we dropped too! we are so scared to death of that damn deep pass that we take our best players away from what they do best, and it beats us every time. but what do i know.
so in the offseason, who do we keep? we should resign chike and lucas on defense, hasselbeck and walter jones on offense. after that, i don't really care. it would be nice to see towbeck and porkchop womack come back too. alexander can go get his rushing title for a last place team in miami, then slowly decline into oblivion. mili is a good guy to have around, especially since our receivers are balls. that would give us 3 good tight ends. the offense really needs koren robinson to step up as a deep thread, and jerramy stevens to step up as a the inside short threat. they should be our future, not bobby engram. none of them can catch balls anyways, i'd rather have our young guys dropping them.
koren robinson is the key to next season unless we get another #1 reciever, which is unlikely. darrel jackson is not a number one. he makes an awesome #2, but he doesn't have #1 potential in him. if koren robinson doesn't really step it up this offseason and get into shape, our passing game is still shaky, and our offense will always revolve around the passing game as long as holmgren is here. as much as i love alexander, he is wasted on this team, and won't be worth as much as we would have to pay him. i just wish he fit into the offense a little better. imagine how scary it would be if he would block every once in a while, then roll out into the flat and get the ball in open field off a screen. of course, hasselback would have to see him, throw the ball to him instead of behind him or over him, then he would have to catch the ball. all of these things seem to be beyond our capabilities
anyways, now that i have that all out, injuries killed us on defense this season. having winstrom and chad brown on the field at the same time is a nice prospect for next season :D and hey, despite all of our suckage, we still won the nfc west championship! that was awesome. i have faith in our teams' ability to not suck as much, and if we can do that we have a good shot at another division championship next season. and if we do that, we make it to the playoffs again, and have another shot at fame and glory and uncountable riches. i still love the seahawks, and at least this year was entertaining. so, as we say in seattle sports land, next season will be different!
Friday, January 07, 2005
what am i trying to find today?
the path towards controlling myself.
right now, i am out of control. i have been frantically trying to strip away my illusions to find "the real me" or something pretentious like that. what i hadn't counted on was that these illusions were built to keep myself in check. they were put in place to keep my mind under control. so, without them i am a space case. i'm slowly degenerating into chaos. my world right now is mostly gibberish.
i don't have the strength of character to keep myself together without forcing myself into a premade form. right now i need those default emotions, answers and opinions to keep a stranglehold on my mind. getting rid of them has left me lost alone floating in a current i can't swim against. i think i said it before, my mind is more powerful than my will. which makes sense, seeing as i've always used my mind to bail myself out. if i wasn't smart, i'd be living in my parents basement doing nothing but sleep all day. that is where i deserve to be, based on the amount of willpower i've shown up to this point. that is the painful truth. i've never really tried to improve my station. i've thought about it, i've dreamed about it, i've lied and said that i have, but when it comes down too it, i'm unwilling to put forth the effort to help myself. i know this. i have known this for a long time. being smart is enough to scrape me by, kicking and screaming, whining on this blog about my terrible luck.
but i know this. i can't have someone else bail me out. i have to figure this out, or i'll just keep repeating my same old destructive patterns. i have alienated myself from everyone i know in attempt to force myself along. i've made strides towards success. i am headed in the right direction. but i still can't commit fully to myself. i don't know what commitment means.
there is strength inside me. it is there, i have seen it. i know i can call on it. i just need consistancy. i lack the focus and concentration to control myself. i am constantly fighting against myself. i don't know why i'm always struggling like this, why i always turn things into a battle. i need to come to terms with myself. i need peace. i need to figure out exactly parts of me are at odds with eachother.
i need concentration. there are things that have been able to keep my attention, but they have been pretty spotty. school work used too, but inconsistantly. video games used too with surprising consistancy. drawing used too, but only in certain situations due to my limited artistic talents. writing does. writing should. writing is one thing i can sit down and do for a decent period of time. but it is slipping away from me. i have these writing projects started, and progressing nicely. i even know where i want them to go. but i am too scared to devote the effort to letting them progress. they are just sitting there stagnating while i waste all my time sitting here at the computer doing nothing. literally, nothing. i read the same news pages over and over. the same article three times in three different places.
i am always looking for a quick fix to my problems. for some reason i think i am above effort. repetition is the key to unlocking my mind. i need to find consistancy in my thought process. right now i am so jumbled and scattered. i need to pull things together. it is going to be a long process because i have let things get out of hand. there is no quick fix anymore. i need to draw on those things that used to hold my concentration, and figure out how my thought process progresses.
it always starts with some fluke victory. i'll do something right immediately, and think i have some inhuman gift. so i'll continue on without any guidance or plan, trying to recreate it, only i will fail, repeatedly, inconsistantly flashing glimmers of the brilliance i thought i had to begin with.
then it will all come crashing down. i'll blame everything else but myself, the circumstances are flawed, how else could a genius like me be failing. either i'll quit now, and move on to something else leaving that potential untapped, or i will get frustrated and try to force it. i will push and push and push, flailing my way into a scattered pattern of success, which ends up being more frustrating because i can never recreate it when i want too.
either i quit and move on, or i start over from scratch. this is usually the end of it, because the thought of starting over is unbearable, wasting all that 'effort'. what i need to do is approach the problem from a more subdued state of mind, looking for logical solutions. start at the beginning, complete the first step. then do it again, and again, until it is automatic. repetition. then move on.
eventually, i'll string everything together, and have some modest successes. it is too easy to call it finished, and move on. being able to do something consistantly is only the launching pad for real success. this is where the fun part starts, where you can truely experiment and refine your abilities. it is rediculous when i quit after one modest success and move on. that shouldn't be the way i am. that isn't the way i want to be. i enjoy myself so much when i can focus on doing something i know how to do better.
i should never quit. that is the crux of my problems. i shut myself down before i have the chance to succeed. i call it good so i can enjoy the fruits of my labor. then things stagnate and die, and i'm left where i started again trying to figure out what went wrong.
so how do i apply this towards concentration? i need to go back to things i know will help. i need to spend time every day focusing on something. on a variety of things that will keep my mind sharp, and help me regain the control over myself i deserve.
to do list:
pull down my old calculus text. that damn calculus class is the reason my gpa dropped and i flunked out of college. it isn't that i couldn't learn, i just refused too. i make up all these excuses, but i never put forth the effort to actually learn, and multivariable calculus isn't something i could skate by like singlevariable was. i need to start on chapter one. i need to do every problem in the book. repetition. i don't have a timeline here, its not like i have to do 60 problems by tomorrow. i can work at my own pace, and make sure i understand when i move on. taming the math beast.
write. i need to spend time writing every day on multiple writing projects. not a lot of time, just a few minutes where i get text on a page. i need to get back into the rhythm of writing, and get used to putting words down even if they don't satisfy me at the time. nothing will be perfect the first time through. hopefully this will evolve into something to keep me occupied. right now it does keep me occupied, but only on the theoretical aspects of these stories i'm creating. they only exist in my head unless i let them out.
video games. i need to spend some time every day as a release playing some game. i need to concentrate on getting better while i'm playing. i can't just go through the motions and just play, i need to actually progress my abilities. i think that is why i am so bored with video games, i never really have to try. i just play without any real goals, so win or lose, the outcome is the same. i use my current abilities to goof my way through things, beating the computer that was designed to keep idiots interested. i'm better than that, i need to hone my skills again and dominate these games.
drawing. i have this idea i still want to pull off for the wall in my room. i need a giant sheet of graph paper to do it. i need to get this giant sheet of paper, and start. drawing is honestly not the highest priority, but this is definitely the easiest goal to accomplish.
exercise/meditation. i need to start up some sort of routine to keep myself in shape mentally and physically. right now i do nothing in the way of exercise, and i feel like i'm in shape. i'm probably not, but i don't feel flawed enough to worry, which i guess is a good thing. my body is a mystery to me, but it deserves more attention if i'm going to start doing stupid things like studying calculus again on my own.
am i going to do these things? not immediately. maybe i should call this my resolution list for the next year. that gives me plenty of time to approach them without overwhelming myself. the last thing i want to do is to send myself back into hiding. although, back is really a misleading term. i'm already in hiding. i guess i should say further into hiding. but if i can start doing a few of these things immediately, its a start.
it is mostly important to have this down to refer back too, so i can say "HAW! see, you are an idiot, and here are ways to improve yourself." no more excuses. small steps in the right direction....
the path towards controlling myself.
right now, i am out of control. i have been frantically trying to strip away my illusions to find "the real me" or something pretentious like that. what i hadn't counted on was that these illusions were built to keep myself in check. they were put in place to keep my mind under control. so, without them i am a space case. i'm slowly degenerating into chaos. my world right now is mostly gibberish.
i don't have the strength of character to keep myself together without forcing myself into a premade form. right now i need those default emotions, answers and opinions to keep a stranglehold on my mind. getting rid of them has left me lost alone floating in a current i can't swim against. i think i said it before, my mind is more powerful than my will. which makes sense, seeing as i've always used my mind to bail myself out. if i wasn't smart, i'd be living in my parents basement doing nothing but sleep all day. that is where i deserve to be, based on the amount of willpower i've shown up to this point. that is the painful truth. i've never really tried to improve my station. i've thought about it, i've dreamed about it, i've lied and said that i have, but when it comes down too it, i'm unwilling to put forth the effort to help myself. i know this. i have known this for a long time. being smart is enough to scrape me by, kicking and screaming, whining on this blog about my terrible luck.
but i know this. i can't have someone else bail me out. i have to figure this out, or i'll just keep repeating my same old destructive patterns. i have alienated myself from everyone i know in attempt to force myself along. i've made strides towards success. i am headed in the right direction. but i still can't commit fully to myself. i don't know what commitment means.
there is strength inside me. it is there, i have seen it. i know i can call on it. i just need consistancy. i lack the focus and concentration to control myself. i am constantly fighting against myself. i don't know why i'm always struggling like this, why i always turn things into a battle. i need to come to terms with myself. i need peace. i need to figure out exactly parts of me are at odds with eachother.
i need concentration. there are things that have been able to keep my attention, but they have been pretty spotty. school work used too, but inconsistantly. video games used too with surprising consistancy. drawing used too, but only in certain situations due to my limited artistic talents. writing does. writing should. writing is one thing i can sit down and do for a decent period of time. but it is slipping away from me. i have these writing projects started, and progressing nicely. i even know where i want them to go. but i am too scared to devote the effort to letting them progress. they are just sitting there stagnating while i waste all my time sitting here at the computer doing nothing. literally, nothing. i read the same news pages over and over. the same article three times in three different places.
i am always looking for a quick fix to my problems. for some reason i think i am above effort. repetition is the key to unlocking my mind. i need to find consistancy in my thought process. right now i am so jumbled and scattered. i need to pull things together. it is going to be a long process because i have let things get out of hand. there is no quick fix anymore. i need to draw on those things that used to hold my concentration, and figure out how my thought process progresses.
it always starts with some fluke victory. i'll do something right immediately, and think i have some inhuman gift. so i'll continue on without any guidance or plan, trying to recreate it, only i will fail, repeatedly, inconsistantly flashing glimmers of the brilliance i thought i had to begin with.
then it will all come crashing down. i'll blame everything else but myself, the circumstances are flawed, how else could a genius like me be failing. either i'll quit now, and move on to something else leaving that potential untapped, or i will get frustrated and try to force it. i will push and push and push, flailing my way into a scattered pattern of success, which ends up being more frustrating because i can never recreate it when i want too.
either i quit and move on, or i start over from scratch. this is usually the end of it, because the thought of starting over is unbearable, wasting all that 'effort'. what i need to do is approach the problem from a more subdued state of mind, looking for logical solutions. start at the beginning, complete the first step. then do it again, and again, until it is automatic. repetition. then move on.
eventually, i'll string everything together, and have some modest successes. it is too easy to call it finished, and move on. being able to do something consistantly is only the launching pad for real success. this is where the fun part starts, where you can truely experiment and refine your abilities. it is rediculous when i quit after one modest success and move on. that shouldn't be the way i am. that isn't the way i want to be. i enjoy myself so much when i can focus on doing something i know how to do better.
i should never quit. that is the crux of my problems. i shut myself down before i have the chance to succeed. i call it good so i can enjoy the fruits of my labor. then things stagnate and die, and i'm left where i started again trying to figure out what went wrong.
so how do i apply this towards concentration? i need to go back to things i know will help. i need to spend time every day focusing on something. on a variety of things that will keep my mind sharp, and help me regain the control over myself i deserve.
to do list:
pull down my old calculus text. that damn calculus class is the reason my gpa dropped and i flunked out of college. it isn't that i couldn't learn, i just refused too. i make up all these excuses, but i never put forth the effort to actually learn, and multivariable calculus isn't something i could skate by like singlevariable was. i need to start on chapter one. i need to do every problem in the book. repetition. i don't have a timeline here, its not like i have to do 60 problems by tomorrow. i can work at my own pace, and make sure i understand when i move on. taming the math beast.
write. i need to spend time writing every day on multiple writing projects. not a lot of time, just a few minutes where i get text on a page. i need to get back into the rhythm of writing, and get used to putting words down even if they don't satisfy me at the time. nothing will be perfect the first time through. hopefully this will evolve into something to keep me occupied. right now it does keep me occupied, but only on the theoretical aspects of these stories i'm creating. they only exist in my head unless i let them out.
video games. i need to spend some time every day as a release playing some game. i need to concentrate on getting better while i'm playing. i can't just go through the motions and just play, i need to actually progress my abilities. i think that is why i am so bored with video games, i never really have to try. i just play without any real goals, so win or lose, the outcome is the same. i use my current abilities to goof my way through things, beating the computer that was designed to keep idiots interested. i'm better than that, i need to hone my skills again and dominate these games.
drawing. i have this idea i still want to pull off for the wall in my room. i need a giant sheet of graph paper to do it. i need to get this giant sheet of paper, and start. drawing is honestly not the highest priority, but this is definitely the easiest goal to accomplish.
exercise/meditation. i need to start up some sort of routine to keep myself in shape mentally and physically. right now i do nothing in the way of exercise, and i feel like i'm in shape. i'm probably not, but i don't feel flawed enough to worry, which i guess is a good thing. my body is a mystery to me, but it deserves more attention if i'm going to start doing stupid things like studying calculus again on my own.
am i going to do these things? not immediately. maybe i should call this my resolution list for the next year. that gives me plenty of time to approach them without overwhelming myself. the last thing i want to do is to send myself back into hiding. although, back is really a misleading term. i'm already in hiding. i guess i should say further into hiding. but if i can start doing a few of these things immediately, its a start.
it is mostly important to have this down to refer back too, so i can say "HAW! see, you are an idiot, and here are ways to improve yourself." no more excuses. small steps in the right direction....
Thursday, January 06, 2005
it is a new year. i'm having trouble coming to grips with this. 2005. freaking FIVE!!! when did this happen.
what do i hope for this year?
the sonics make it to the playoffs
the seahawks make it to the superbowl
jose lopez evolves into a gold glove 2nd basemen and a number 2 hitter in tacoma.
jeremy reed finds his power and evolves into a number 3 hitter.
pokey reese and richie sexson stay healthy.
opening day 2006 lineup, when i dream about players being the players i dream they can beeeeeeee
1 ichiro rf
2 lopez 2b
3 reed cf
4 beltre 3b
5 sexson 1b
6 ibanez lf
7 jacobson dh
8 olivo c
9 reese ss
that leaves all our money for some pitching, and a lefty outfield bat to replace ibanez, since great hitting shortstops are almost as hard to find as great hitting second basemen...
i'm so stoked about this season. i really like what happened in the offseason. 2005 is going to be a GREAT year in seattle sports :D
what do i hope for this year?
the sonics make it to the playoffs
the seahawks make it to the superbowl
jose lopez evolves into a gold glove 2nd basemen and a number 2 hitter in tacoma.
jeremy reed finds his power and evolves into a number 3 hitter.
pokey reese and richie sexson stay healthy.
opening day 2006 lineup, when i dream about players being the players i dream they can beeeeeeee
1 ichiro rf
2 lopez 2b
3 reed cf
4 beltre 3b
5 sexson 1b
6 ibanez lf
7 jacobson dh
8 olivo c
9 reese ss
that leaves all our money for some pitching, and a lefty outfield bat to replace ibanez, since great hitting shortstops are almost as hard to find as great hitting second basemen...
i'm so stoked about this season. i really like what happened in the offseason. 2005 is going to be a GREAT year in seattle sports :D
