Tuesday, December 28, 2004
so what does that mean? who cares, what can i learn from a night drunken reminiscing?
compared the future, the past is dim and muted. our past should be a constant reminder towards forward progress, not a yardstick to measure your current potential. it should be the reason not to fear the unknown. the future is the light that makes the past visible and relevant. if you ignore the future, there is only darkness. as long as we keep learning from the past and progressing forward, we know there is hope in the future
compared the future, the past is dim and muted. our past should be a constant reminder towards forward progress, not a yardstick to measure your current potential. it should be the reason not to fear the unknown. the future is the light that makes the past visible and relevant. if you ignore the future, there is only darkness. as long as we keep learning from the past and progressing forward, we know there is hope in the future
Monday, December 27, 2004
post-christmas pre-new years. this is the wierdest week of the year.
what have i learned today?
in the past 5 years, nothing has really happened. i met up with all of my high school friends last night, and we realized that the last 5 years have been pretty pointless. we all went off on our own and grew and mature and whatever we were doing, but we realized last night that our mindsets really haven't changed much. it was like the last 5 years never even happened. the only real difference was the alcohol.
i really enjoyed myself though. i usually don't like people, but they were all people i like and haven't seen in a while. i have been worrying about reconvening like this, because i basically have made no effort to talk to these people in years. when we all started talking, we all kind of realized that none of us had made any effort to keep in touch with anyone. there wasn't really a reason, we are all living on different ends of the country, so it would have just been lip-service. we all got back together, and it was like nothing had happened. maybe i was just drunk and everyone was humoring me. maybe i'm reading things completely wrong. i really doubt that. we sat around bullshitting like we used too.
what have i learned today?
in the past 5 years, nothing has really happened. i met up with all of my high school friends last night, and we realized that the last 5 years have been pretty pointless. we all went off on our own and grew and mature and whatever we were doing, but we realized last night that our mindsets really haven't changed much. it was like the last 5 years never even happened. the only real difference was the alcohol.
i really enjoyed myself though. i usually don't like people, but they were all people i like and haven't seen in a while. i have been worrying about reconvening like this, because i basically have made no effort to talk to these people in years. when we all started talking, we all kind of realized that none of us had made any effort to keep in touch with anyone. there wasn't really a reason, we are all living on different ends of the country, so it would have just been lip-service. we all got back together, and it was like nothing had happened. maybe i was just drunk and everyone was humoring me. maybe i'm reading things completely wrong. i really doubt that. we sat around bullshitting like we used too.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
it is all a product of my mental weaknesses. i am not strong enough to hold myself together. i know how to fix it though. that has been an important point in holding myself together, is that i know how to fix it. after i finish this book to make sure i don't screw everything up. i feel like i am a strong person. my mind is dwarfing my soul, i just don't know how to control it. i'm like a bad driver with a race car, all i can do now is point it in the right direction and hope i don't crash.
there is no quick fix. months and years are no longer unfathomable stretches of time. i can set goals for mental discipline that span years if i want. really, what else do i have to do? i could sit here with my mind jumping around every 10 seconds like i do now and call it functional, but its really not. i can convince everyone else that everything is hunkydory, but i know its not true. but i can't change who i am, and if i could i wouldn't want too. because as fractured as my mind my seen at some points, i know its potential. it is overactive, underutilized and generally ignored by me. i need to refocus myself. i've proven to myself that living alone is not enough to keep my mind satisfied. every day life is not the infinite challenge i need to stay energized and alert. in fact, every day life happens even if i'm not paying attention. i am no longer convinced that i will screw everything up if i let my guard down. i've been skating along, calling myself successful. i've been searching without a path. my motives were generally correct, i just didn't have any direction.
that is the crazy thing. i already had the door open. i was sitting in the little room in my head, staring out the open door thinking "if only i could get to the other side of this wall..." i need to teach my mind to crawl through the door before i can frolic in the green fields on the other side. my life has led me here. the mistakes i made weren't made by the person i am right now. they were made by the person i was before i reached this point. what is important is what i do with myself now. i can look at my future with confidence because i know what i need to do, and how to do it. all of my scattered, fractured thoughts are a part of the same me. i just have been too afraid to let go with certain illusions to explore the full implications of who i am. once i can align all of my personalties together and balance them, my apprehensions and insecurities will disappear.
that is what i need to do. focus my mind. pull everyone back together so we are all on the same page. i arbitrarily pick emotions and let a different person inside me take over, because i don't allow my true self to come out and react for itself. my different personalities just represent every possible reaction to every possible scenario. i am so afraid of making the wrong decision, that i pull one out at random, and let him deal with the situation. i can't control the swirling in my head, so i let it control me. but once i can focus everyone together, the different pieces will no longer be necessary, because we can all work in unison towards one common self. me.
there is no quick fix. months and years are no longer unfathomable stretches of time. i can set goals for mental discipline that span years if i want. really, what else do i have to do? i could sit here with my mind jumping around every 10 seconds like i do now and call it functional, but its really not. i can convince everyone else that everything is hunkydory, but i know its not true. but i can't change who i am, and if i could i wouldn't want too. because as fractured as my mind my seen at some points, i know its potential. it is overactive, underutilized and generally ignored by me. i need to refocus myself. i've proven to myself that living alone is not enough to keep my mind satisfied. every day life is not the infinite challenge i need to stay energized and alert. in fact, every day life happens even if i'm not paying attention. i am no longer convinced that i will screw everything up if i let my guard down. i've been skating along, calling myself successful. i've been searching without a path. my motives were generally correct, i just didn't have any direction.
that is the crazy thing. i already had the door open. i was sitting in the little room in my head, staring out the open door thinking "if only i could get to the other side of this wall..." i need to teach my mind to crawl through the door before i can frolic in the green fields on the other side. my life has led me here. the mistakes i made weren't made by the person i am right now. they were made by the person i was before i reached this point. what is important is what i do with myself now. i can look at my future with confidence because i know what i need to do, and how to do it. all of my scattered, fractured thoughts are a part of the same me. i just have been too afraid to let go with certain illusions to explore the full implications of who i am. once i can align all of my personalties together and balance them, my apprehensions and insecurities will disappear.
that is what i need to do. focus my mind. pull everyone back together so we are all on the same page. i arbitrarily pick emotions and let a different person inside me take over, because i don't allow my true self to come out and react for itself. my different personalities just represent every possible reaction to every possible scenario. i am so afraid of making the wrong decision, that i pull one out at random, and let him deal with the situation. i can't control the swirling in my head, so i let it control me. but once i can focus everyone together, the different pieces will no longer be necessary, because we can all work in unison towards one common self. me.
what have i learned?
i'm crazy. i'm just crazy. borderline schizophrenic. i never know how i'm going to act. i always try to act the same, blank, agreeable, and polite. like a con artist, trying to make a good impression meant to be completely forgotten. i just don't know what is going to happen, sometimes it feels like no response will be better than the unknown response. so i spend my time watching, collecting information so i can try to predict what might happen so i can plan an appropriate response that everyone can agree on. because lets face it, it doesn't work. sometimes i am funny, or interesting, or intelligent, or creepy, but very rarely at the same time, and very rarely is my response appropriate.
trying to figure everything out before it happens isn't worth it. it just doesn't matter. i don't really care anymore. i can't keep my mind focused for the length of a conversation anyways. i retreat and space out. i have control over the fringes of mind, but only what is necessary for appearances. i have to keep track of two trains of thought simultaniously, because acting like a boob in public is nothing compared to what i would miss if i lost my inner reality. it is my real life. it is my spark, my intelligence, my being. my role model. it is what is important to me. without it, i would just be another aimless body, no thoughts, no dreams. unchecked forward momentum towards no goal. a waste.
i'd rather be a waste of a person than a waste of a soul
i'm crazy. i'm just crazy. borderline schizophrenic. i never know how i'm going to act. i always try to act the same, blank, agreeable, and polite. like a con artist, trying to make a good impression meant to be completely forgotten. i just don't know what is going to happen, sometimes it feels like no response will be better than the unknown response. so i spend my time watching, collecting information so i can try to predict what might happen so i can plan an appropriate response that everyone can agree on. because lets face it, it doesn't work. sometimes i am funny, or interesting, or intelligent, or creepy, but very rarely at the same time, and very rarely is my response appropriate.
trying to figure everything out before it happens isn't worth it. it just doesn't matter. i don't really care anymore. i can't keep my mind focused for the length of a conversation anyways. i retreat and space out. i have control over the fringes of mind, but only what is necessary for appearances. i have to keep track of two trains of thought simultaniously, because acting like a boob in public is nothing compared to what i would miss if i lost my inner reality. it is my real life. it is my spark, my intelligence, my being. my role model. it is what is important to me. without it, i would just be another aimless body, no thoughts, no dreams. unchecked forward momentum towards no goal. a waste.
i'd rather be a waste of a person than a waste of a soul
Friday, December 17, 2004
i'm so happy!
also, i no longer trust the stupid mariners blogs that are out there. they have set back sports blogging years with their stupid posts.
why did we sign sexson? because we needed to sign him to convince beltre we were serious. now that we did, WE GOT BELTRE!
DUN DUN DUN, song of the day, song of the beltre! beltre BEEEELLLLLLTREEE!!!!! sing it up, sing it down, casino here, casino there, beltre in my hair
the mariners win. even if they don't win, they win. they have me as a fan again. i'm so happy with the way things went this offseason. even if we don't get instant results, we will get better results than we got from anyone we've had since a-rod, or griffy, or 2001 bret boone. and if they payoff, it won't even be a fluke!! the mariners actively sought out good players, instead of seeking out mediocre players in hopes that they will magically exceed all expectations. shift in philosophy. you can't dink around and try to protect your profits instead of trying to win. because when you start losing, no one comes to watch, and you lose all the money you were trying to save in the first place. winners make money. so, spend your money on good players so you have the best chance to win. the mariners were close when they started signing good peripheral players to fair contracts. now they have some heros to parade around behind. richie sexson is going to plant a home run onto the parking garage across royal brougham ave, just you watch. it is going to be fun :)
i'm so happppppyyyyy. i never thought i would see this day come, where the mariners went out and spent big bucks on a budding superstar instead of losing one.
also, i no longer trust the stupid mariners blogs that are out there. they have set back sports blogging years with their stupid posts.
why did we sign sexson? because we needed to sign him to convince beltre we were serious. now that we did, WE GOT BELTRE!
DUN DUN DUN, song of the day, song of the beltre! beltre BEEEELLLLLLTREEE!!!!! sing it up, sing it down, casino here, casino there, beltre in my hair
the mariners win. even if they don't win, they win. they have me as a fan again. i'm so happy with the way things went this offseason. even if we don't get instant results, we will get better results than we got from anyone we've had since a-rod, or griffy, or 2001 bret boone. and if they payoff, it won't even be a fluke!! the mariners actively sought out good players, instead of seeking out mediocre players in hopes that they will magically exceed all expectations. shift in philosophy. you can't dink around and try to protect your profits instead of trying to win. because when you start losing, no one comes to watch, and you lose all the money you were trying to save in the first place. winners make money. so, spend your money on good players so you have the best chance to win. the mariners were close when they started signing good peripheral players to fair contracts. now they have some heros to parade around behind. richie sexson is going to plant a home run onto the parking garage across royal brougham ave, just you watch. it is going to be fun :)
i'm so happppppyyyyy. i never thought i would see this day come, where the mariners went out and spent big bucks on a budding superstar instead of losing one.
Friday, December 10, 2004
so indeed, i put in my two weeks at the table yesterday. jobs change. fun can turn into stressful pretty quick when no one cares enough to pay attention. you all know why, so i find no real reason for a bloated job-quitting post. everything will be fine, just like it always is. instead, i am going to spend this post talking about the mariners.
adrian beltre!! atomic train!
i think if we let adrian beltre slip through our fingers, i will just die. there is no excuse to not sign him this off-season. we are bidding against the dodgers and the tigers. the dodgers just wasted a bunch of their beltre money on jeff kent. they are the mariners, but they are changing. new gm, new manager, new promises. 99 losses should have been enough to convince them that they need to shift their thinking slightly. 8 years for a 25 year old is different than 8 years for a 29 year old. he is almost too good to be true. he fits too well. thats why i'm afraid we won't get him, he makes too much sense. they are still the mariners.
he is 25, and would improve our offense and our defense at a position we have no one to play. all of the other big market teams except for the dodgers have no need for a 3rd baseman. red sox have mueller and youkalis. cardinals have rolen. cubs have aramis ramirez. the mets have wright. i'm worried, though, because the astros and the angels could be players for beltre once carlos beltran gets signed. by then we'll still be sitting there waiting for the timing to be right to make our big splash, then jump into an empty pool. 8 years, $100M. use the sasaki money to give him a $12M signing bonus. at the end of the contract, he'll be only 33. we'll have potentially one of the best third basemen in the league locked up through his prime years for only $11M a year. thats less than ichiro makes. it all fits too well. if we make one move this offseason to improve our team, this should be it. it even still fits within the mariners mysterious shrinking budget numbers. i still think we could afford him and jd drew.
we might not even need another pitcher this offseason. which might be good. we need to keep giving these young guys a chance. nageotte's slider is maybe the nastiest pitch i have ever seen. he can morph it into his wierd curve at will. he has enough control over its mechanics to make it break differently every time. he's only freaking 23. i think he'll be a good pitcher for us. we have a lot of guys like him who will be good for us in the next few years, or good for someone else in the next few years. they need the chance to go through some bumps before they figure it all out. and then we've got king felix. i really hope we get to see him in the rotation in 2006 :) freaking 19, dominated at every level, hopefully we should see him in AAA tacoma this year. 97 miles an hour. we've got more money coming off the books next season to get pitching, if we even need it. pitchers are too expensive this year. its been a wierd off season, sketchy players have been going for 7, 8 million dollars. at least spiezio only makes $3M a year. imagine if we locked corey k_____ in for $7 a year? we'd be screwed. dead. i agree with all of the other mariners bloggers that his name should not be mentioned. its bad luck.
its looking like a choice between two good players, or three bad players. we'll spend the same amount of money either way. everyone else seems to think that the bad players fit into their plans better. good news for our plans, hopefully. the league is making our decisions really easy right now, in my mind. everything is aligning perfectly for us to make some big, impact signings this season. just like last season, and we all saw what a huge mistake not doing anything was last season.
mariners, MARINERS! go sonics. sports for president.
adrian beltre!! atomic train!
i think if we let adrian beltre slip through our fingers, i will just die. there is no excuse to not sign him this off-season. we are bidding against the dodgers and the tigers. the dodgers just wasted a bunch of their beltre money on jeff kent. they are the mariners, but they are changing. new gm, new manager, new promises. 99 losses should have been enough to convince them that they need to shift their thinking slightly. 8 years for a 25 year old is different than 8 years for a 29 year old. he is almost too good to be true. he fits too well. thats why i'm afraid we won't get him, he makes too much sense. they are still the mariners.
he is 25, and would improve our offense and our defense at a position we have no one to play. all of the other big market teams except for the dodgers have no need for a 3rd baseman. red sox have mueller and youkalis. cardinals have rolen. cubs have aramis ramirez. the mets have wright. i'm worried, though, because the astros and the angels could be players for beltre once carlos beltran gets signed. by then we'll still be sitting there waiting for the timing to be right to make our big splash, then jump into an empty pool. 8 years, $100M. use the sasaki money to give him a $12M signing bonus. at the end of the contract, he'll be only 33. we'll have potentially one of the best third basemen in the league locked up through his prime years for only $11M a year. thats less than ichiro makes. it all fits too well. if we make one move this offseason to improve our team, this should be it. it even still fits within the mariners mysterious shrinking budget numbers. i still think we could afford him and jd drew.
we might not even need another pitcher this offseason. which might be good. we need to keep giving these young guys a chance. nageotte's slider is maybe the nastiest pitch i have ever seen. he can morph it into his wierd curve at will. he has enough control over its mechanics to make it break differently every time. he's only freaking 23. i think he'll be a good pitcher for us. we have a lot of guys like him who will be good for us in the next few years, or good for someone else in the next few years. they need the chance to go through some bumps before they figure it all out. and then we've got king felix. i really hope we get to see him in the rotation in 2006 :) freaking 19, dominated at every level, hopefully we should see him in AAA tacoma this year. 97 miles an hour. we've got more money coming off the books next season to get pitching, if we even need it. pitchers are too expensive this year. its been a wierd off season, sketchy players have been going for 7, 8 million dollars. at least spiezio only makes $3M a year. imagine if we locked corey k_____ in for $7 a year? we'd be screwed. dead. i agree with all of the other mariners bloggers that his name should not be mentioned. its bad luck.
its looking like a choice between two good players, or three bad players. we'll spend the same amount of money either way. everyone else seems to think that the bad players fit into their plans better. good news for our plans, hopefully. the league is making our decisions really easy right now, in my mind. everything is aligning perfectly for us to make some big, impact signings this season. just like last season, and we all saw what a huge mistake not doing anything was last season.
mariners, MARINERS! go sonics. sports for president.
Thursday, December 09, 2004
