Sunday, August 22, 2004
deep into the depths. trying to avoid the dishonesty i afford myself. avoiding the temptation other people leave me. no, that is also dishonest. i avoid other people because they expose the lies behind it all. the lies that only i can see. the tempation is always there, it is not a product of the people around me. it is a product of my own insecurities. the inability to accept what i am, to limit my ego at all. idiocy. i am dishonest with myself, and the person i project to the world is and always will be simply a projection of my own self image, albeit an unconscious one. uncontrolable. immune to the bullshit context i worship so much. i need to stop that, the preemptive polishing of my self image. it isn't genuine. it isn't necessary. lack of trust.
so who am i?
i am two people by necessity. actually, there are probably more than 2 people, but the rest of those are the shards of a fractured personality. work and reality. i noticed yesterday for the first time how seperate these two are. how they have always been. i feel that there is something wholly dangerous about this if i let it out of control again. i've been noticing things lately, thought patterns that are exactly the same as the mind games i played with myself at every other job i've had and hated. i'm letting my work in too deep. i've been swinging up and down pretty hard lately, i think my coworkers have been noticing. i need to find a way to control myself, especially before school gets back into session at UW and we get busy again. i am trying to do too much on a personal level with customers, coworkers, and the tasks themselves. i'm letting these things matter too me, instead of having the job itself matter too me. i've been pretending for long enough that slipping back into silence will be difficult. i just need to stop pretending. it isn't necessary. it is chaotic.
now that i'm happy, i'm rejecting it. i'm looking for things to complain about. the fact that i didn't have these things to complain about is what made me happy in the first place. i need to settle down, and just do what is necessary. i know what to do. i just need to do it, and shut the fuck up.
i don't know what my expectations are. i don't know who i will end up as. i will definitely keep trying to find out.
so who am i?
i am two people by necessity. actually, there are probably more than 2 people, but the rest of those are the shards of a fractured personality. work and reality. i noticed yesterday for the first time how seperate these two are. how they have always been. i feel that there is something wholly dangerous about this if i let it out of control again. i've been noticing things lately, thought patterns that are exactly the same as the mind games i played with myself at every other job i've had and hated. i'm letting my work in too deep. i've been swinging up and down pretty hard lately, i think my coworkers have been noticing. i need to find a way to control myself, especially before school gets back into session at UW and we get busy again. i am trying to do too much on a personal level with customers, coworkers, and the tasks themselves. i'm letting these things matter too me, instead of having the job itself matter too me. i've been pretending for long enough that slipping back into silence will be difficult. i just need to stop pretending. it isn't necessary. it is chaotic.
now that i'm happy, i'm rejecting it. i'm looking for things to complain about. the fact that i didn't have these things to complain about is what made me happy in the first place. i need to settle down, and just do what is necessary. i know what to do. i just need to do it, and shut the fuck up.
i don't know what my expectations are. i don't know who i will end up as. i will definitely keep trying to find out.
Sunday, August 15, 2004
