Sunday, February 29, 2004
you want the truth? i was really looking forward to moving to pittsburg by the end there. acutally, i wasn't looking forward to moving to pittsburg, i was looking forward to going somewhere else on my own. its nice that i don't have to get up and move and stuff, but i think it really would have been healthy. now i'm still here. i don't really feel stuck here, just a little disappointed. actually a lot disappointed, because i was really excited.
ahh well. its not like i'm hurting for anything, besides a little peace and quiet, some alone time. but i make time for it, even if it costs me a little sleep. if there is one thing college and work have taught me, its that i don't really need sleep all the time. fuck, i worked a 10 hour shift new years day after no sleep coming down off acid. i can do anything :)
still, sometimes i feel like i need something to do. i don't really want to do anything, but i should. aikido starts in april... will i even do that? meh, maybe. actually, yes. yes i am going to do that. i've been looking forward to this for a long time. it will definitely help. it might get the ball-o-change rolling. for me at least. who knows where i will be in 6 months. i'm definitely looking forward to finding out though. its all been uphill.
leap year days are weird
ahh well. its not like i'm hurting for anything, besides a little peace and quiet, some alone time. but i make time for it, even if it costs me a little sleep. if there is one thing college and work have taught me, its that i don't really need sleep all the time. fuck, i worked a 10 hour shift new years day after no sleep coming down off acid. i can do anything :)
still, sometimes i feel like i need something to do. i don't really want to do anything, but i should. aikido starts in april... will i even do that? meh, maybe. actually, yes. yes i am going to do that. i've been looking forward to this for a long time. it will definitely help. it might get the ball-o-change rolling. for me at least. who knows where i will be in 6 months. i'm definitely looking forward to finding out though. its all been uphill.
leap year days are weird
Thursday, February 19, 2004
life is steady. everything is handled, everything moves smoothly. the details of life don't require much work, it is nice. i don't have anything to worry about anymore. so i don't, i just live, listen to music, whatever. there is time for everything if i want there to be. i work a lot, but in the end it just makes things easier. work keeps me busy. work keeps me paid and keeps everything running smoothly. i've been working a lot lately, but that was mostly due to scheduling conflicts, and should be back to normal soon. if it isn't? who cares, fuck it. i wouldn't be doing that much anyways. eventually i'll need to cut back hours for things anyways, and that way i'll cut back to normal. whatever, its just work. it doesn't really get in the way, because there isn't anything pressing to get in its way.
in the end, i devote 10 sentances a month to work, instead of 10 pages. it was all just superfluous crap anyways. it didn't matter, it was just idiocy pretending to be substance.
i still think the world is stupid, i've just successfully detached myself from it. i never thought it was possible, but now that i have and i am actually avoiding everything that made me mad i'm just kind of grinning to myself. i get to do what i want to do, think how i want to think and put all my theories of self to the test. i get to live my ideal, and thereby prove its existance. the door creaks open a little further, and i move on to something else. constant self improvement is such a better use for all that brainpower i used to waste worrying about things. its the paradox of lazyness. the more effort you put in, the more truely lazy you can become.
and still, i read back and realize i sound like an chump. it just gives me something to do, because it makes me realize i am not where i should be yet. where that is, i'm not sure, but i'll keep searching. the search is where all the fun is, so i don't care how long it takes anymore. no worries, mate
in the end, i devote 10 sentances a month to work, instead of 10 pages. it was all just superfluous crap anyways. it didn't matter, it was just idiocy pretending to be substance.
i still think the world is stupid, i've just successfully detached myself from it. i never thought it was possible, but now that i have and i am actually avoiding everything that made me mad i'm just kind of grinning to myself. i get to do what i want to do, think how i want to think and put all my theories of self to the test. i get to live my ideal, and thereby prove its existance. the door creaks open a little further, and i move on to something else. constant self improvement is such a better use for all that brainpower i used to waste worrying about things. its the paradox of lazyness. the more effort you put in, the more truely lazy you can become.
and still, i read back and realize i sound like an chump. it just gives me something to do, because it makes me realize i am not where i should be yet. where that is, i'm not sure, but i'll keep searching. the search is where all the fun is, so i don't care how long it takes anymore. no worries, mate
Thursday, February 12, 2004
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
hey hey miss amazon/chris/elethea...
if you are depressed, mayhaps thomas covenant isn't the greatest idea. i mean, the self-loathing is almost overbearing. home dude is terminally ill and hates himself. they are great books, don't get me wrong, just don't read too much into it or you might start trying to draw similarities between yourself and this dying 50 year-old man with absolutely nothing left in the world besides this platinum ring that has magical powers in some far off universe. at the very beginning, didn't he show up in the other world as a result of trying to overdose on some sort of medication? just don't get too sucked in to the down side of the book, and look at it as a tale of redemption and a testament to the elastic nature of the human spirit...
i don't want to sound all crisis counsellor on you, but seriously, lol. if you want some good fantasy that isn't so bubbley, read Raymond E. Feist's serpantwar or something. at least the people in that one aren't trying to kill themselves all the time. depression is addictive, so just be wary. i'm sure you know all this, and on a side note, that first chronicles of thomas covenant were really good :) i'm probably not even remembering it right.
if you are depressed, mayhaps thomas covenant isn't the greatest idea. i mean, the self-loathing is almost overbearing. home dude is terminally ill and hates himself. they are great books, don't get me wrong, just don't read too much into it or you might start trying to draw similarities between yourself and this dying 50 year-old man with absolutely nothing left in the world besides this platinum ring that has magical powers in some far off universe. at the very beginning, didn't he show up in the other world as a result of trying to overdose on some sort of medication? just don't get too sucked in to the down side of the book, and look at it as a tale of redemption and a testament to the elastic nature of the human spirit...
i don't want to sound all crisis counsellor on you, but seriously, lol. if you want some good fantasy that isn't so bubbley, read Raymond E. Feist's serpantwar or something. at least the people in that one aren't trying to kill themselves all the time. depression is addictive, so just be wary. i'm sure you know all this, and on a side note, that first chronicles of thomas covenant were really good :) i'm probably not even remembering it right.
Sunday, February 01, 2004
i need to start reading ayn rand again. my mental capacity seems to be slowly declining. i haven't really thought about anything in a few months. i'm in a rut. i need to do something to get out of it. i have a few possibilities, but they are all a little radical. maybe that is what i need.
i just need something. i don't do anything. i don't have anything i enjoy doing enough to actually put forth the effort. there is really nothing worth saving in my life right now. job, friends, hobbies, they all seem so lackluster. i love living in seattle, but what is there for me here? could i just up and move, relocate myself somewhere completely different? the more i think about it, there is absolutely no reason for me to stay in seattle besides seattle itself. could i actually live anywhere else? would i function in another environment? shit, am i even functioning now?
lets face it. i make minimum wage (plus tips that keep me afloat). i spend most of my time hiding from my friends. i don't have any hobbies besides this poker game that i avoid whenever i can. i'm even avoiding my blog.
i'm 22, almost 23. its time for me to do something or risk spending the rest of my life slanging pizzas for chump change and smoking just so i can function in this dumb little existance i've created for myself. meh, what does it matter anyways. i doubt i'll ever find anything that makes me really happy. might as well jump the gun and move on before i start getting pissed at the way things are now, start the process all over again. maybe i'll just rename myself wanktaro oe and start freeloading across the US, taking ass jobs for little money and jot things down in a little notebook.
LIFE IS STUDY!
i just need something. i don't do anything. i don't have anything i enjoy doing enough to actually put forth the effort. there is really nothing worth saving in my life right now. job, friends, hobbies, they all seem so lackluster. i love living in seattle, but what is there for me here? could i just up and move, relocate myself somewhere completely different? the more i think about it, there is absolutely no reason for me to stay in seattle besides seattle itself. could i actually live anywhere else? would i function in another environment? shit, am i even functioning now?
lets face it. i make minimum wage (plus tips that keep me afloat). i spend most of my time hiding from my friends. i don't have any hobbies besides this poker game that i avoid whenever i can. i'm even avoiding my blog.
i'm 22, almost 23. its time for me to do something or risk spending the rest of my life slanging pizzas for chump change and smoking just so i can function in this dumb little existance i've created for myself. meh, what does it matter anyways. i doubt i'll ever find anything that makes me really happy. might as well jump the gun and move on before i start getting pissed at the way things are now, start the process all over again. maybe i'll just rename myself wanktaro oe and start freeloading across the US, taking ass jobs for little money and jot things down in a little notebook.
LIFE IS STUDY!
