Monday, September 29, 2003
trav is everywhere. i see him in his car when i'm on deliveries. i see him walking along 35th on my way to the bank. why was walking along 35th all the way out at 82nd or so? no one knows.
Wednesday, September 24, 2003
so, check out the new link on the side. i wrote an article on how to wank. its actually an email i gave some random dude who emailed me and asked. so yeah, if you found this site by searching for "how to wank", check it out. it might be helpful. i know there are a few of you out there, right now, staring at this embarassed. but i know you are there. my tracker tells me what you pooped into google to find me, so i know there are tons of you who came here with that exact string :D in fact, there have been over 700 of you guys who have come here looking for info on how to wank. now its there, mwaha.
Tuesday, September 23, 2003
so, i need to go to target today to get some new pants for work. there is a hole on the ass of my other pants now. they were old pants, like end of high school pants i think. that makes them 4, 5 years old now, something like that. that is crazy. but anyways, the fact of the matter is i am down to one working pair of pants now, my jeans. my owner says i can't wear jeans at work anymore, which wouldn't be a problem if my pants covered my entire ass. so i need to get new pants. and a quiznos sub. i think there is a quiznos under target. mmmm... toasty...
ok, heres the thing that annoys me about my relationship with quiznos. i've only been there once, but i still hold on to the opinion that they are the greatest sub shop in the world. the thing is, the only sub i have ever gotten from them wasn't very good. i chose the wrong one last time i was there. i need a sub!!! i haven't even had subway in months. i haven't really had anything but pizza in months, but thats besides the point. my one free meal a day has been getting me along, but i don't work today. i need to eat something.
so yeah, trip, you want to go to target? get some quiznos? hell, there is a taco time in the northgate mall, i almost want to go there more than quiznos now. taco time........ oh man, i have to go. i'm dragging someone else along, just you watch. i mean seriously, it is such a momentous occasion when one of us actually goes out to buy something at a store, especially clothes. i went with tripat just because i didn't believe it was actually happening. taco time.... oh man..... i'm drooling all over myself here, look at me!!!!
ben so hungy
ok, heres the thing that annoys me about my relationship with quiznos. i've only been there once, but i still hold on to the opinion that they are the greatest sub shop in the world. the thing is, the only sub i have ever gotten from them wasn't very good. i chose the wrong one last time i was there. i need a sub!!! i haven't even had subway in months. i haven't really had anything but pizza in months, but thats besides the point. my one free meal a day has been getting me along, but i don't work today. i need to eat something.
so yeah, trip, you want to go to target? get some quiznos? hell, there is a taco time in the northgate mall, i almost want to go there more than quiznos now. taco time........ oh man, i have to go. i'm dragging someone else along, just you watch. i mean seriously, it is such a momentous occasion when one of us actually goes out to buy something at a store, especially clothes. i went with tripat just because i didn't believe it was actually happening. taco time.... oh man..... i'm drooling all over myself here, look at me!!!!
ben so hungy
Monday, September 22, 2003
i have just had the most glorious stoned vision. its a vision of the guys new bar. the bar is the coolest thing in the world, so my mind has been dwelling on it endlessly as my mind does. its been dreaming, lol. but this vision came to me, and i had to write it down so i don't lose it, because i think it is actually damn good.
its a vision for what i would do if i were in charge of decorating it. kevin has been having us think about our place a lot, and what we could do to make it look good. that bar is in such an awesome little place there, that i was trying to think of simplistic ways to uber pimpasize it in the good old fashion stoned wank style. this is the part of my mind that turned that whole happy hardcore album into a motion picture about a street racer that had a level of detail not even i knew existed. i can actually see the bar in my mind with my minds layer of style overlayed. in reality, it would probably look really dumb, but it looks cool now.
first, paint the two walls that are exclusive to the bar area black. all black, the one with the window, and the one on the back wall so you aren't disrupting anything else in the room. then paint the bar black, but keep it shiny and smooth, because that is the best part of the bar. but all black is impossible, there is no way it works, it loses you. so, on the corner of the room that the two black walls touch, you take a strip of metal, regular grey gunmetal whatever. you give it a little curve so it fits in the corner snug, and rivet it all the way down to give it a real industrial yet structural quality. but make it realish looking, like is actually holding the walls together. then you accent the very outer edges of the bar with the same, 3 more strips of the exact same metal in the exact same curve, just flipped so it covers the corners, then rivet it down. really thin though, so it doesn't really get in the way and with the corners completely rounded in or sealed off so you can't hurt yourself at all. but yeah, rivet that down so you now have all the most vital edges encased in metal. the one across the front, the vertical strip down at the very outer corner, then another strip along the top towards the kegorator to make the t. it is kind of like writing block letters with half the lines so they are just shadows. you are just accenting the edges to imply the rest of the room which is kind of almost undistinguishable because its all black.
so that takes care of the bar and the walls. we need more color though. the actual bar bar part back behind needs a color, i'm thinking dusty blue, kind of trying to keep out of the way but unable to hide how cool of a color it actually is. it would go so well with both the black and the metal colors i think. the kegorator is already black and silver, it goes right in anyways. you could have cabinets in the back, but the doors on the cabinets can be entertaining in some way, add something you know. have two doors that open out, both the same kind of dusty blue, but on the ends with the hinges, have a strip of dusty blue, then a strip of black wood vertically, then the rest of the door blue again. like, just a line of black. and to hold the door together, so lodged over the strip and riveted on, actuallyl holding the door together is a corner of the same metal, kind of curved like a corner of a square after you cut out a circle.
this is the best part though. to go along with the mirror idea which was awesome btw, and to make sure that window doesn't look so out of place, you have "mirrors" on the wall flanking the cabinets. except they aren't mirrors per se. i mean, all a mirror is is a piece of glass with black paper behind it. the wall is already black, all you need for a mirror is a piece of glass hanging on the wall. but instead, you could have the glass off the wall maybe an inch or two, with huge rivet looking things inset in the four corners holding it up and out of the wall. i think, i'm not sure, but i think you would get this really cool reflection effect that would make it look like you were looking through a window back inside the party. they would be windows into the room you are already in. i can see it just kind of fucking with the eye and giving a half mirror half window impression. it would be a kick ass thing, i think, since there are no windows on that wall. its kind of abrupt.
it would be great. you could keep the tv on the kegorator, its already black. you could accent other things with more cool metal stuff, because metal stuff is usually cool, you just usually don't have a reason to have stuff made of metal. well, now you do. the great thing is, its all so simple. it only uses one color, really. the rest is just black with varying levels of shine. i mean, honestly, it is. tell me you can't see it now. kind of draw it all out in your head, i think it could actually work in that little spot without fucking up the rest of the room, and it would be so cool. it is kind of a bold statement though.
its a vision for what i would do if i were in charge of decorating it. kevin has been having us think about our place a lot, and what we could do to make it look good. that bar is in such an awesome little place there, that i was trying to think of simplistic ways to uber pimpasize it in the good old fashion stoned wank style. this is the part of my mind that turned that whole happy hardcore album into a motion picture about a street racer that had a level of detail not even i knew existed. i can actually see the bar in my mind with my minds layer of style overlayed. in reality, it would probably look really dumb, but it looks cool now.
first, paint the two walls that are exclusive to the bar area black. all black, the one with the window, and the one on the back wall so you aren't disrupting anything else in the room. then paint the bar black, but keep it shiny and smooth, because that is the best part of the bar. but all black is impossible, there is no way it works, it loses you. so, on the corner of the room that the two black walls touch, you take a strip of metal, regular grey gunmetal whatever. you give it a little curve so it fits in the corner snug, and rivet it all the way down to give it a real industrial yet structural quality. but make it realish looking, like is actually holding the walls together. then you accent the very outer edges of the bar with the same, 3 more strips of the exact same metal in the exact same curve, just flipped so it covers the corners, then rivet it down. really thin though, so it doesn't really get in the way and with the corners completely rounded in or sealed off so you can't hurt yourself at all. but yeah, rivet that down so you now have all the most vital edges encased in metal. the one across the front, the vertical strip down at the very outer corner, then another strip along the top towards the kegorator to make the t. it is kind of like writing block letters with half the lines so they are just shadows. you are just accenting the edges to imply the rest of the room which is kind of almost undistinguishable because its all black.
so that takes care of the bar and the walls. we need more color though. the actual bar bar part back behind needs a color, i'm thinking dusty blue, kind of trying to keep out of the way but unable to hide how cool of a color it actually is. it would go so well with both the black and the metal colors i think. the kegorator is already black and silver, it goes right in anyways. you could have cabinets in the back, but the doors on the cabinets can be entertaining in some way, add something you know. have two doors that open out, both the same kind of dusty blue, but on the ends with the hinges, have a strip of dusty blue, then a strip of black wood vertically, then the rest of the door blue again. like, just a line of black. and to hold the door together, so lodged over the strip and riveted on, actuallyl holding the door together is a corner of the same metal, kind of curved like a corner of a square after you cut out a circle.
this is the best part though. to go along with the mirror idea which was awesome btw, and to make sure that window doesn't look so out of place, you have "mirrors" on the wall flanking the cabinets. except they aren't mirrors per se. i mean, all a mirror is is a piece of glass with black paper behind it. the wall is already black, all you need for a mirror is a piece of glass hanging on the wall. but instead, you could have the glass off the wall maybe an inch or two, with huge rivet looking things inset in the four corners holding it up and out of the wall. i think, i'm not sure, but i think you would get this really cool reflection effect that would make it look like you were looking through a window back inside the party. they would be windows into the room you are already in. i can see it just kind of fucking with the eye and giving a half mirror half window impression. it would be a kick ass thing, i think, since there are no windows on that wall. its kind of abrupt.
it would be great. you could keep the tv on the kegorator, its already black. you could accent other things with more cool metal stuff, because metal stuff is usually cool, you just usually don't have a reason to have stuff made of metal. well, now you do. the great thing is, its all so simple. it only uses one color, really. the rest is just black with varying levels of shine. i mean, honestly, it is. tell me you can't see it now. kind of draw it all out in your head, i think it could actually work in that little spot without fucking up the rest of the room, and it would be so cool. it is kind of a bold statement though.
Friday, September 19, 2003
i've been reading this book atlas shrugged by ayn rand, and i can't decide whether i agree or disagree. i think i agree with what she is saying, except for the way she seems to trash people when they think practically instead of thinking in terms of right and wrong. her world is too black and white for me to function in. the basis of everything i think is based on the fact that the world is not black and white, and that right and wrong end up being the outer boundarys of the acceptable grey area. if you get out of the range of the acceptable grey, black and white turn into destructive fanatacism no matter which way you go. of course, she is talking about the uber rich where day to day survival doesn't factor in to the equation. for us working folk, we don't have the luxury of having iron clad beliefs like her characters do. we are the casualties they are writing off. but i agree with a lot of it, i mean the basic theory behind it. i think she is right on, and i think it is scary some of the parallels you can draw between the united states in her book and ours today, no matter how over-exaggerated hers is.
anyways, thats what i wanted to say. thats the point i tried to make to ryan a while ago when we were talking about this, and the point i tried to make to matt last night. they were both stuck on this whole agree or disagree thing, and i'm not about to swallow someones entire philosophy whole because i've read part of a book. sure, she says a lot of things that makes sense, and gives words to a lot of things i believe that never had words before, but to agree with her would be throwing out a lot of what i believed before, and i'm not going to do that because i just don't agree with all of it. it doesn't mean i don't agree with her. her book oversimplifies a lot of it. it sucks, because she makes me feel like a looter for believing certain things i believe when i have been doing everything in my power to not be a looter for a good portion of my life, i like to believe.
the whole looter thing is the scary part to me. how people think it is ok to just take things from other people. the whole "there is nothing i could do about it, you can't blame me" mentality. i look back and realize i have lost a lot of money and have been forced to work a lot harder at my jobs and stuff because of people with this mentality, and how it never made sense to me. i thought i was out of line, but now i know i'm not. other people think the same way, and when they spell it out, i have logic and reason on my side. they just are outright looters, and it is wrong. there should be no place for that kind of mentality, but there is. hell, i do it. i can preach about how i believe it and all, but we are all guilty. but i like to think that overall, i am not a looter. i look back and i can't really think of too many times where i've just adopted this mentality and screwed someone out of something. it just doesn't make sense. no matter how i look at it, it is wrong, and there is no justification for it. there are no excuses. so yeah, all you looters, stop looting from me. stop looting from everyone. the less looters we have, the better the world will be. even one less looter helps.
but yeah, i'm completely guilty of looting. look at my last job. shoot me in the head. oh well. call it a d'Anconian attempt to leech the world of that much more stupid money ;) yeah yeah, thats what i was doing....
its wierd though, i've been feeling less and less at ease around people lately, people i know. i feel detatched. i feel i don't have a connection with anyone i know, even the people i've known forever. even ryan, i'm just like "i don't know what to say, i have nothing to say." its like my mind has given up trying to communicate what its thinking. i'm turning into a complete introvert, i feel more at ease alone now than i do around people. and by people, i mean people i know. customers don't even exist. i could be dealing with a mailbox for all i care. it just makes it easier that way. if you try to think of customers as people, you'll just end up pissing yourself off because there are a lot of annoying people out there, and everyone orders pizza. its just a job, its not worth any emotional distress. i come to your door, i give you the pizza, you give me the cash. i'm polite because they told me to be, and because it doesn't make any sense for me not to be. i'm at work, i'm supposed to be polite. working is great, because i always have an excuse to not be a person and talk and stuff. i can always go do work. and i do, as much as possible. i keep myself busy as much as possible while i'm at work because there is really no reason not too. its all stuff i don't mind, and it is satisfying to keep myself busy. its all easy, but it is all necessary, which is kind of a new thing. i can see the effects of everything i'm doing, because it makes the business run smoother. everyone else does their job, and i'm happy to keep my little part of the world functional and out of the way.
i was trying to talk about how i am uneasy around people i know, and it inevitably turns into me talking about work. i always end up talking about work. what else would i talk about, though? what else do i do? i'm always at work, and if i'm not i'm at home because i have to work the next day. i mean, its not like i have anything against people, or that they have done someting to me, i just don't have anything to say. i see everyone, and i'm just like "yep, there you are." and i'm sitting here like "yup, here i am" and it doesn't really mean anything. i'm just indifferent. when i do talk, i feel like an ass because its just talking to fill the space and no one really cares, and who am i to just sit there talking. what makes my part of the conversation so important that i should be talking. its not like anyone is actually listening.
i don't have anything i connect with. there is nothing i care about right now. my life is dull. i wish i had interests. i can never find something that truely interests me enough to warrant more than some sort of acknowlegement in passing. i'm half wondering why i'm depressed because my train of thoughts all point in that direction, but i don't have anything to be depressed about, and i don't feel depressed. its like i'm completely neutral. and its weird, and i don't understand it. the worst part of it is i don't end up getting any thoughts out, so they just stagnate in my head and disappear. i used to use this blog to get things out, but now a days i sit here and i'm like "is there anything in my head that is even worth putting down for my own use?" and there isn't. i can't even communicate my thoughts to myself. its frustrating. i should start forcing myself. i'm going to start forcing myself. i'm going to set aside an hour or so where i'll listen to music and just dictate stuff to my blog.
once a day? no way, never
once a week? why even bother at all, a week is way too long.
in the end, i don't care, because i know i'm not going to do it. i know i have every reason to do it, but i just won't, and i don't know why. i need pay off my freaking credit card bill, thats what i need to do :P right now, all my money is going to the fucking looters. i don't even have enough to buy food for myself. i can't remember the last time i had 2 real meals in a day, let alone 3. yet, here i am paying off this credit card bill. oh yeah, and as far as that whole stripper thing goes, the club submitted a report that shows their legal proof that i was there in the club, and that i agreed to pay this money. it will stand up in court against anything i try, because i don't have any proof. i'm being beaten by paperwork. they have it, and i don't. business law, right and wrong, they don't really matter here. you guys can preach all you want about how i shouldn't have to pay it, but they have a case against me that i won't be able to beat. i've been told this by 2 fraud protectors at my credit card company, both of whom have explained to me the legal loopholes they are using and will continue to use. i mean, lets face it. its a strip club, they aren't going to be a bastion of morality. they have no problem looting people because they know they can get away with it. consumer protection laws don't apply to you anymore if you are dumb enough to use your credit card at a strip club.
but i'll keep working. i'll keep working until i've paid off all of my money that the looters have decided to steal. but it will never end. eventually something else will happen and someone else will screw me in an even more spectacular way and claim "i couldn't help it, its not my fault" so they can save themselves, only to destroy me. i hate things that are out of my hands, because other people are stupid, and don't understand that they are stupid. for example, we have this huge charge on our gas bill right now. we've had it forever, because matt decided we didn't have to pay the gas for a few months at our old house (as far as i can tell, feel free to refute that fact sir). so, of course, they tracked us down and are trying to get their money, which we aren't giving them. i can tell you exactly what is going to happen right now. eventually one of three things is going to happen.
a) the gas company will finally try to collect. matt will not have enough money to pay any of it, so several thousand dollars will end up getting charged to my credit card, leaving me to pay off someone elses dumb mistake, like usual. matt will not pay me back, because he never seems too unless i force him too, and i refuse to resort to looter tactics to get what is rightfully mine. this, of course, is a paradox, because it leads to more looting. but i refuse to be a looter, i won't do it. so, in the end, i'll pay for what is ultimately out of my control just like i normally do.
b) matt and i go our seperate ways. matt continues his selective bill paying. i open a new gas account for myself. the gas company realizes they are never going to get their money back from matt, so they peg me with the charges on my new account. i end up paying the whole thing myself, because i know it would be futile to try and get any of it from matt.
c) i talk to matt and ask to look at the bills to see if there is any way to get this whole thing squared away. i ask if they have been charging interest to our account, which of course they have. we now owe twice as much as we used too because matt conveniently ignored that extra charge on our bill and wrote it off as "not my problem, so i'm just not going to pay it". i end up paying off the thing in full so things don't get any worse for me in the end (for the other endings, see points a and b)
i hate to use matt as an example, because i know it will just cause strife for me in the end, but it is the truth. i don't care anymore if it causes him to be mad at me. last time he fucked up royally and didn't pay the bills right, it all went on my credit card because if we didn't pay it then, they were going to start charging us more money, money i would have had to pay anyways. and he never paid me back for it, he never was going to pay me back for it. he may have said he was, but i didn't believe him then. i paid it off because not doing so was going to fuck me out of more money. i don't see any reason for it to be different this time.
i just don't know what i'm going to do. it seems like the more i do to live my life well, the more the rest of the world punishes me. all of my friends seem have caused me to lose gratuitous amounts of money, with the exception of ryan who lives on the other side of the world for all practical purposes. i'm fucking sick of it. it pisses me the fuck off. i don't care anymore that the other house managed to fuck up and not get any damage deposit back, which is bullshit because they could have, they were just dumb. i don't care anymore that matt doesn't thing, a fact that has screwed me out of money in the past, and will continue to do so until i cut all ties with him. i just don't care anymore. i've acted like it was all good, and that it didn't really bother me, but it all does. i've pretended too long. fuck you guys for that. FUCK YOU. fuck anyone i know who has looted money from me, borrowed money, goods, or services and never paid me back, intentionally or unintentionally. fuck everyone, is basically what it comes too. i'm fucking sick of it, but it doesn't even matter anyways.
in the end, i just can't bring myself to care. i don't connect with anyone else. i expect everyone to screw me over because i do my best not to screw people over. everyone else in the world seems to be all fucked up in the head. it always leads me to think "how is everyone else wrong, and i am right?" wouldn't thinking differently than everyone else make me wrong? i'm sick of always thinking i'm wrong. i'm right. all of you and your backwards ass thinking are wrong. i'm shouldn't have to have no beliefs because everyone elses beliefs are different from mine. i shouldn't have to defend my beliefs against outright stupidity. i refuse too. all you morons out there need to get a clue and wake up to the real world. stop being irrational and illogical, it is destructive. you may think it makes you feel better, but you are killing the world with every stupid decision you make and try to ignore. you are killing the world everytime you try to solve your problems by stealing from someone else.
where is my fucking desert island, i wish i could find somewhere i could be alone and no one could bother me some times.
i can't do that though, you know why? without other people, i am a bitter, empty shell of a human being. i care deeply for all my friends. i am willing to get screwed by them, repeatedly, because they are my friends. all i can do is provide an example, soldier on and hope that they wake up and stop screwing me over. a lot of people are probably going to be really mad when the read this, and i'd like to tell you all that i'm completely beyond the point of caring about that either. my thought is mine alone now. i'm sick of trying to cover up my feelings for the sake of your peace of mind. walk all over me if you want. i'll even let you. but i'm not going to smile anymore while you are doing it. i'm not going to change. nothing has to be different unless you make it different. i'm not forgiving anyone here, but i'm telling you that i don't care. its not worth it to me to care, i can't bring myself to do it. i don't care about all the money, i can work for more. i care about the people i know, its just painful to watch what they do to themselves.
the thing is, they are losses i'm willing to take. thats the weird thing. if i could do it all over, sure i wouldn't make all the same choices, but i would have done pretty much the same things. i would have just protected myself a little better against the eventual outcome i knew was going to happen, but couldn't admit to myself. if it helps people see for themselves, then it is worth it. i didn't have to resort to looting myself, which is worth it to me.
if you've read this far, and gotten to this paragraph, and are still feeling uppity because you are clinging to your own self-rightous bullshit reasoning, think to yourself. have i said anything you didn't already know anyways? has there ever been a doubt in your mind that this is actually the way i think. does it surprise you in the slightest that i think that people are predominantly stupid. can you disagree with me?
fuck it all. i hate being bitter, but sometimes you need to let it all out. i'm not immaculate in the slightest. i'm still human. i've changed more in the last year than i have in my entire life. i am pissed at myself for staying long enough at a job i hated that i let it turn me into everything i hated. but now i know. i wasted 2 and half years. i did damage to my character that i'll never be able to reverse. i can only try to live every day from now on like it never happened, like i want my life too be.
i don't want the sum outcome of this blog to be bitter. i want it to be empowering. its not a bitter blog. sure it has bitter aspects, but in the end they aren't worth dwelling on, because i'm past them. they are necessary to explain my current mind set. the purpose behind this blog is for me to say its all been worth it to me, because i still have hope that someday i won't have to be bitter because people won't be stupid. then we can all be happy. this is probably the most meaningful thing i have said in my life.
anyways, thats what i wanted to say. thats the point i tried to make to ryan a while ago when we were talking about this, and the point i tried to make to matt last night. they were both stuck on this whole agree or disagree thing, and i'm not about to swallow someones entire philosophy whole because i've read part of a book. sure, she says a lot of things that makes sense, and gives words to a lot of things i believe that never had words before, but to agree with her would be throwing out a lot of what i believed before, and i'm not going to do that because i just don't agree with all of it. it doesn't mean i don't agree with her. her book oversimplifies a lot of it. it sucks, because she makes me feel like a looter for believing certain things i believe when i have been doing everything in my power to not be a looter for a good portion of my life, i like to believe.
the whole looter thing is the scary part to me. how people think it is ok to just take things from other people. the whole "there is nothing i could do about it, you can't blame me" mentality. i look back and realize i have lost a lot of money and have been forced to work a lot harder at my jobs and stuff because of people with this mentality, and how it never made sense to me. i thought i was out of line, but now i know i'm not. other people think the same way, and when they spell it out, i have logic and reason on my side. they just are outright looters, and it is wrong. there should be no place for that kind of mentality, but there is. hell, i do it. i can preach about how i believe it and all, but we are all guilty. but i like to think that overall, i am not a looter. i look back and i can't really think of too many times where i've just adopted this mentality and screwed someone out of something. it just doesn't make sense. no matter how i look at it, it is wrong, and there is no justification for it. there are no excuses. so yeah, all you looters, stop looting from me. stop looting from everyone. the less looters we have, the better the world will be. even one less looter helps.
but yeah, i'm completely guilty of looting. look at my last job. shoot me in the head. oh well. call it a d'Anconian attempt to leech the world of that much more stupid money ;) yeah yeah, thats what i was doing....
its wierd though, i've been feeling less and less at ease around people lately, people i know. i feel detatched. i feel i don't have a connection with anyone i know, even the people i've known forever. even ryan, i'm just like "i don't know what to say, i have nothing to say." its like my mind has given up trying to communicate what its thinking. i'm turning into a complete introvert, i feel more at ease alone now than i do around people. and by people, i mean people i know. customers don't even exist. i could be dealing with a mailbox for all i care. it just makes it easier that way. if you try to think of customers as people, you'll just end up pissing yourself off because there are a lot of annoying people out there, and everyone orders pizza. its just a job, its not worth any emotional distress. i come to your door, i give you the pizza, you give me the cash. i'm polite because they told me to be, and because it doesn't make any sense for me not to be. i'm at work, i'm supposed to be polite. working is great, because i always have an excuse to not be a person and talk and stuff. i can always go do work. and i do, as much as possible. i keep myself busy as much as possible while i'm at work because there is really no reason not too. its all stuff i don't mind, and it is satisfying to keep myself busy. its all easy, but it is all necessary, which is kind of a new thing. i can see the effects of everything i'm doing, because it makes the business run smoother. everyone else does their job, and i'm happy to keep my little part of the world functional and out of the way.
i was trying to talk about how i am uneasy around people i know, and it inevitably turns into me talking about work. i always end up talking about work. what else would i talk about, though? what else do i do? i'm always at work, and if i'm not i'm at home because i have to work the next day. i mean, its not like i have anything against people, or that they have done someting to me, i just don't have anything to say. i see everyone, and i'm just like "yep, there you are." and i'm sitting here like "yup, here i am" and it doesn't really mean anything. i'm just indifferent. when i do talk, i feel like an ass because its just talking to fill the space and no one really cares, and who am i to just sit there talking. what makes my part of the conversation so important that i should be talking. its not like anyone is actually listening.
i don't have anything i connect with. there is nothing i care about right now. my life is dull. i wish i had interests. i can never find something that truely interests me enough to warrant more than some sort of acknowlegement in passing. i'm half wondering why i'm depressed because my train of thoughts all point in that direction, but i don't have anything to be depressed about, and i don't feel depressed. its like i'm completely neutral. and its weird, and i don't understand it. the worst part of it is i don't end up getting any thoughts out, so they just stagnate in my head and disappear. i used to use this blog to get things out, but now a days i sit here and i'm like "is there anything in my head that is even worth putting down for my own use?" and there isn't. i can't even communicate my thoughts to myself. its frustrating. i should start forcing myself. i'm going to start forcing myself. i'm going to set aside an hour or so where i'll listen to music and just dictate stuff to my blog.
once a day? no way, never
once a week? why even bother at all, a week is way too long.
in the end, i don't care, because i know i'm not going to do it. i know i have every reason to do it, but i just won't, and i don't know why. i need pay off my freaking credit card bill, thats what i need to do :P right now, all my money is going to the fucking looters. i don't even have enough to buy food for myself. i can't remember the last time i had 2 real meals in a day, let alone 3. yet, here i am paying off this credit card bill. oh yeah, and as far as that whole stripper thing goes, the club submitted a report that shows their legal proof that i was there in the club, and that i agreed to pay this money. it will stand up in court against anything i try, because i don't have any proof. i'm being beaten by paperwork. they have it, and i don't. business law, right and wrong, they don't really matter here. you guys can preach all you want about how i shouldn't have to pay it, but they have a case against me that i won't be able to beat. i've been told this by 2 fraud protectors at my credit card company, both of whom have explained to me the legal loopholes they are using and will continue to use. i mean, lets face it. its a strip club, they aren't going to be a bastion of morality. they have no problem looting people because they know they can get away with it. consumer protection laws don't apply to you anymore if you are dumb enough to use your credit card at a strip club.
but i'll keep working. i'll keep working until i've paid off all of my money that the looters have decided to steal. but it will never end. eventually something else will happen and someone else will screw me in an even more spectacular way and claim "i couldn't help it, its not my fault" so they can save themselves, only to destroy me. i hate things that are out of my hands, because other people are stupid, and don't understand that they are stupid. for example, we have this huge charge on our gas bill right now. we've had it forever, because matt decided we didn't have to pay the gas for a few months at our old house (as far as i can tell, feel free to refute that fact sir). so, of course, they tracked us down and are trying to get their money, which we aren't giving them. i can tell you exactly what is going to happen right now. eventually one of three things is going to happen.
a) the gas company will finally try to collect. matt will not have enough money to pay any of it, so several thousand dollars will end up getting charged to my credit card, leaving me to pay off someone elses dumb mistake, like usual. matt will not pay me back, because he never seems too unless i force him too, and i refuse to resort to looter tactics to get what is rightfully mine. this, of course, is a paradox, because it leads to more looting. but i refuse to be a looter, i won't do it. so, in the end, i'll pay for what is ultimately out of my control just like i normally do.
b) matt and i go our seperate ways. matt continues his selective bill paying. i open a new gas account for myself. the gas company realizes they are never going to get their money back from matt, so they peg me with the charges on my new account. i end up paying the whole thing myself, because i know it would be futile to try and get any of it from matt.
c) i talk to matt and ask to look at the bills to see if there is any way to get this whole thing squared away. i ask if they have been charging interest to our account, which of course they have. we now owe twice as much as we used too because matt conveniently ignored that extra charge on our bill and wrote it off as "not my problem, so i'm just not going to pay it". i end up paying off the thing in full so things don't get any worse for me in the end (for the other endings, see points a and b)
i hate to use matt as an example, because i know it will just cause strife for me in the end, but it is the truth. i don't care anymore if it causes him to be mad at me. last time he fucked up royally and didn't pay the bills right, it all went on my credit card because if we didn't pay it then, they were going to start charging us more money, money i would have had to pay anyways. and he never paid me back for it, he never was going to pay me back for it. he may have said he was, but i didn't believe him then. i paid it off because not doing so was going to fuck me out of more money. i don't see any reason for it to be different this time.
i just don't know what i'm going to do. it seems like the more i do to live my life well, the more the rest of the world punishes me. all of my friends seem have caused me to lose gratuitous amounts of money, with the exception of ryan who lives on the other side of the world for all practical purposes. i'm fucking sick of it. it pisses me the fuck off. i don't care anymore that the other house managed to fuck up and not get any damage deposit back, which is bullshit because they could have, they were just dumb. i don't care anymore that matt doesn't thing, a fact that has screwed me out of money in the past, and will continue to do so until i cut all ties with him. i just don't care anymore. i've acted like it was all good, and that it didn't really bother me, but it all does. i've pretended too long. fuck you guys for that. FUCK YOU. fuck anyone i know who has looted money from me, borrowed money, goods, or services and never paid me back, intentionally or unintentionally. fuck everyone, is basically what it comes too. i'm fucking sick of it, but it doesn't even matter anyways.
in the end, i just can't bring myself to care. i don't connect with anyone else. i expect everyone to screw me over because i do my best not to screw people over. everyone else in the world seems to be all fucked up in the head. it always leads me to think "how is everyone else wrong, and i am right?" wouldn't thinking differently than everyone else make me wrong? i'm sick of always thinking i'm wrong. i'm right. all of you and your backwards ass thinking are wrong. i'm shouldn't have to have no beliefs because everyone elses beliefs are different from mine. i shouldn't have to defend my beliefs against outright stupidity. i refuse too. all you morons out there need to get a clue and wake up to the real world. stop being irrational and illogical, it is destructive. you may think it makes you feel better, but you are killing the world with every stupid decision you make and try to ignore. you are killing the world everytime you try to solve your problems by stealing from someone else.
where is my fucking desert island, i wish i could find somewhere i could be alone and no one could bother me some times.
i can't do that though, you know why? without other people, i am a bitter, empty shell of a human being. i care deeply for all my friends. i am willing to get screwed by them, repeatedly, because they are my friends. all i can do is provide an example, soldier on and hope that they wake up and stop screwing me over. a lot of people are probably going to be really mad when the read this, and i'd like to tell you all that i'm completely beyond the point of caring about that either. my thought is mine alone now. i'm sick of trying to cover up my feelings for the sake of your peace of mind. walk all over me if you want. i'll even let you. but i'm not going to smile anymore while you are doing it. i'm not going to change. nothing has to be different unless you make it different. i'm not forgiving anyone here, but i'm telling you that i don't care. its not worth it to me to care, i can't bring myself to do it. i don't care about all the money, i can work for more. i care about the people i know, its just painful to watch what they do to themselves.
the thing is, they are losses i'm willing to take. thats the weird thing. if i could do it all over, sure i wouldn't make all the same choices, but i would have done pretty much the same things. i would have just protected myself a little better against the eventual outcome i knew was going to happen, but couldn't admit to myself. if it helps people see for themselves, then it is worth it. i didn't have to resort to looting myself, which is worth it to me.
if you've read this far, and gotten to this paragraph, and are still feeling uppity because you are clinging to your own self-rightous bullshit reasoning, think to yourself. have i said anything you didn't already know anyways? has there ever been a doubt in your mind that this is actually the way i think. does it surprise you in the slightest that i think that people are predominantly stupid. can you disagree with me?
fuck it all. i hate being bitter, but sometimes you need to let it all out. i'm not immaculate in the slightest. i'm still human. i've changed more in the last year than i have in my entire life. i am pissed at myself for staying long enough at a job i hated that i let it turn me into everything i hated. but now i know. i wasted 2 and half years. i did damage to my character that i'll never be able to reverse. i can only try to live every day from now on like it never happened, like i want my life too be.
i don't want the sum outcome of this blog to be bitter. i want it to be empowering. its not a bitter blog. sure it has bitter aspects, but in the end they aren't worth dwelling on, because i'm past them. they are necessary to explain my current mind set. the purpose behind this blog is for me to say its all been worth it to me, because i still have hope that someday i won't have to be bitter because people won't be stupid. then we can all be happy. this is probably the most meaningful thing i have said in my life.
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
note to self, never talk to drunk kato and air about anything. they convinced themselves that no one has to pay taxes anymore, then proceeded to give me advice on my credit card fiasco. their theories are based on a fairly large presumption, that the laws of the united states are there to protect the individual instead of the corporation. i don't believe it, but i don't really care. i don't really put much stock in laws anyways. but seriously guys, this strip club has my number. this is how they make their money. the club we went to vegas is one of the most notoriously shady clubs in the world, you think for a second i am going to be able to get this money back? they have all the paperwork and documentation that says i was there and agreed to pay for the service, while me? i was too drunk to remember what was going on. how do you think my side will hold up in court, ANY COURT. even if i wasn't drunk, they still have me. you guys overestimate the power of the individual.
here's what happend, and here's what i'm going to do. i was very stupid, using my credit card at a strip club. now i know NEVER to do that again. i am going to pay it if my credit card company can't do their fraud protection thing, because i was stupid and i did get myself into a bad situation. you guys seem to think there is a chance that i won't have to pay it in the end. Air, you were THERE. you know what happened, and you know i am fucked. you know because your credit card got declined and that is why we used my fucking card. so fuck it. if you want to help pay, great. like you said, it kind of makes sense. if you want to pay just what you said you would pay to the stripper, still fine with me. if you decide not to pay for the same reasons you decided you shouldn't have to pay taxes last night, that is your perogative. but its bullshit. everything you guys said last night was bullshit, and i hope you know it, because it was really uncomfortable for me.
i'll pay the whole fucking thing and learn my lesson, because i don't believe i have many rights in the eyes of the law. but i don't see myself under the control of their laws, and this is just one more reason for me to think the way i do. laws don't help me, they hinder me. but they are necessary, because without them there would be chaos. i follow the laws for the same reason i pay taxes: so the people in power will leave me the fuck alone. i just don't care. all your liberal jabbering and anti-bush rhetoric doesn't change the fact that i don't trust or connect in any way to the people in power, and i can't be assed to bother myself with whatever the hell they are doing.
i'm living my life. i enjoy what i do. i enjoy smoking weed. i enjoy not having to worry about the government. i enjoy the fact that i feel my view on the state of america is an outsiders opinion. i enjoy the fact that i would let out a whoop of pleasure if Washington ceded from the union. i don't care about liberals or conservatives, they are all fucking bastards in my book. i consider myself liberal, but i try not to say it because of what i would be connecting myself too. i'm a liberal person, but i'm not a liberal, if that makes any sense. if we could feasibly move our entire social group to canada, i'd do it in a heart-beat.
so yeah, you keep jabbering about laws. you keep fighting the good fight. its just going to leave you bitter and disallusioned when you realize that i was right in the end. i may be disallusioned, but i'm so far beyond bitter. i just don't care, and the fact that i can say this makes me happy. lesson learned, case closed. i'll fight this to an acceptable level, but i'm not going to delude myself into thinking i'm going to be able to get out of it. if i could, strip clubs would be out of business, and there would be no credit card fraud. point is, yes i'm getting screwed. yes it is wrong. there is nothing i can do about it, it is just legal thievery. like if you guys declare your landlords house condemned so you can buy it for $30000. that is bullshit, and you know it. at the end of the day, even if i am out the money, i know where i stand morally, and i know i am above the people who stole from me. its not going to kill me. i'm a smart person. i know exactly where i stand financially. i was able to go 4 months without working on $1500, and my creditcard bill wasn't even that bad, until i hurt my ankle. now, it will just be another 3 months to pay it off, instead of 1. its not the end of the world. fuck you guys, if you try to bring this up again with all your preachy bullshit, i'm going to punch you in the face.
so yeah, air, want to hit up the porch tonight? ;D
here's what happend, and here's what i'm going to do. i was very stupid, using my credit card at a strip club. now i know NEVER to do that again. i am going to pay it if my credit card company can't do their fraud protection thing, because i was stupid and i did get myself into a bad situation. you guys seem to think there is a chance that i won't have to pay it in the end. Air, you were THERE. you know what happened, and you know i am fucked. you know because your credit card got declined and that is why we used my fucking card. so fuck it. if you want to help pay, great. like you said, it kind of makes sense. if you want to pay just what you said you would pay to the stripper, still fine with me. if you decide not to pay for the same reasons you decided you shouldn't have to pay taxes last night, that is your perogative. but its bullshit. everything you guys said last night was bullshit, and i hope you know it, because it was really uncomfortable for me.
i'll pay the whole fucking thing and learn my lesson, because i don't believe i have many rights in the eyes of the law. but i don't see myself under the control of their laws, and this is just one more reason for me to think the way i do. laws don't help me, they hinder me. but they are necessary, because without them there would be chaos. i follow the laws for the same reason i pay taxes: so the people in power will leave me the fuck alone. i just don't care. all your liberal jabbering and anti-bush rhetoric doesn't change the fact that i don't trust or connect in any way to the people in power, and i can't be assed to bother myself with whatever the hell they are doing.
i'm living my life. i enjoy what i do. i enjoy smoking weed. i enjoy not having to worry about the government. i enjoy the fact that i feel my view on the state of america is an outsiders opinion. i enjoy the fact that i would let out a whoop of pleasure if Washington ceded from the union. i don't care about liberals or conservatives, they are all fucking bastards in my book. i consider myself liberal, but i try not to say it because of what i would be connecting myself too. i'm a liberal person, but i'm not a liberal, if that makes any sense. if we could feasibly move our entire social group to canada, i'd do it in a heart-beat.
so yeah, you keep jabbering about laws. you keep fighting the good fight. its just going to leave you bitter and disallusioned when you realize that i was right in the end. i may be disallusioned, but i'm so far beyond bitter. i just don't care, and the fact that i can say this makes me happy. lesson learned, case closed. i'll fight this to an acceptable level, but i'm not going to delude myself into thinking i'm going to be able to get out of it. if i could, strip clubs would be out of business, and there would be no credit card fraud. point is, yes i'm getting screwed. yes it is wrong. there is nothing i can do about it, it is just legal thievery. like if you guys declare your landlords house condemned so you can buy it for $30000. that is bullshit, and you know it. at the end of the day, even if i am out the money, i know where i stand morally, and i know i am above the people who stole from me. its not going to kill me. i'm a smart person. i know exactly where i stand financially. i was able to go 4 months without working on $1500, and my creditcard bill wasn't even that bad, until i hurt my ankle. now, it will just be another 3 months to pay it off, instead of 1. its not the end of the world. fuck you guys, if you try to bring this up again with all your preachy bullshit, i'm going to punch you in the face.
so yeah, air, want to hit up the porch tonight? ;D
Tuesday, September 02, 2003
