Wednesday, August 20, 2003
its true, everything i do is chock full of stupid, but hey. if its important to me, obviously it has a lower level of stupidity to me than other things that i think are completely stupid. how do you judge stupidity? the thing is, as stupid as my crap gets, i generally think that everything else is more stupid, therefore making my stupid crap genius by comparison :D if i surround myself with the stupidly genius, then to me its just genius. in my head i don't consider myself stupid, i just am. bah, it all makes no sense anyways, its stupid to even mention
does anyone else use little text based smiley faces as punctuation? soon enough :) will be accepted at the end of a sentance instead of a period, provided you have two spaces after it. god bless the internet
does anyone else use little text based smiley faces as punctuation? soon enough :) will be accepted at the end of a sentance instead of a period, provided you have two spaces after it. god bless the internet
Tuesday, August 19, 2003
i've decided to be the anti-christ. when you think about it, everyone is all afraid of the anti-christ. i don't really know why, he's going to make our world a lot better by letting us do what we want instead of following along with what everyone else tells us to do. there are going to be grand sweeping changes, and the truth about the devil will really come out. it will be a sad story about a free-speaking, free-thinking and free-writing man of genius stifled and deported from an evil dictorial state that controls all speech, thought and written word. people will be like, hey, this kind of sucks because i never knew. and i'll be there. i'll be like check this out, i'm the a to the c, anti-christ dizzledy dee. and they will all be like word.
anyways, i've decided to be the anti-christ, because i think the world needs one. this isn't really a direct bash on christianity, just on what most people think is right and wrong. i don't really want to be the anti-christ, per se, but right now i think i am best qualified for the job. i was thinking today, wishing some sort of anti-christ would appear, and then i thought 'i should just be him'. so now i am. if anyone really is the anti-christ, call me. if you are the real deal, i'll put all my weight behind you instead.
so yeah, until further notice, i am the official anti-christ. i know that this sounds really belligerent, but it really isn't meant to be. if you take away all of the negative aspects that the devil is given, he actually seems like a pretty cool guy. he's always pretty nice in the bible, offering people fruit and stuff for free. god is all mean and stuff, offering people death by plague and such. i figure if i really want to make a difference, i might as well do it in style. al pacino was a pimp in devil's advocate, i'd chill with him. as a person i'm not very powerful, just an individual shmoe with this stupid 70 year life-span and no superpowers. if i am the anti-christ, things get a lot more interesting.
in conclusion, vote WAnk for anti-christ on your next Blasphemer-Of-The-Year ballot. i'll do my best to ease you gently into the eternal party that the future of life on earth and an eternity in hell has to offer
anyways, i've decided to be the anti-christ, because i think the world needs one. this isn't really a direct bash on christianity, just on what most people think is right and wrong. i don't really want to be the anti-christ, per se, but right now i think i am best qualified for the job. i was thinking today, wishing some sort of anti-christ would appear, and then i thought 'i should just be him'. so now i am. if anyone really is the anti-christ, call me. if you are the real deal, i'll put all my weight behind you instead.
so yeah, until further notice, i am the official anti-christ. i know that this sounds really belligerent, but it really isn't meant to be. if you take away all of the negative aspects that the devil is given, he actually seems like a pretty cool guy. he's always pretty nice in the bible, offering people fruit and stuff for free. god is all mean and stuff, offering people death by plague and such. i figure if i really want to make a difference, i might as well do it in style. al pacino was a pimp in devil's advocate, i'd chill with him. as a person i'm not very powerful, just an individual shmoe with this stupid 70 year life-span and no superpowers. if i am the anti-christ, things get a lot more interesting.
in conclusion, vote WAnk for anti-christ on your next Blasphemer-Of-The-Year ballot. i'll do my best to ease you gently into the eternal party that the future of life on earth and an eternity in hell has to offer
Thursday, August 14, 2003
you know, i really feel silly sometimes, because most of the time when i write these days is because ryan has written something. i guess it is good to have inspiration. i always feel like he's going to look down on me or something, and think of me as a no talent tagalong hack, but he doesn't. at least i'm pretty sure he doesn't. he's out of my control, so i guess i can't ever really know what he's thinking. the alternative though is no writing. and no writing leaves me boring, at least to myself. once i get an idea out onto this thing, i can keep going with it and go further. i can do that in my head too, but it doesn't happen nearly as well for some reason. or it happens too well, and loses its focus. looking and moving my fingers in unison keeps me focused on what i'm thinking about to some degree, which helps a lot.
its kind of like the whole sphere idea i had about the spectrum of human thought before frivolity, when i was going to write my online novel about the super race of super enlightened people, and how i somehow pooped my way out of this existance into their existance. like, if you think about everything at once, your sphere gets pushed out, but never really goes anywhere, but if you think about one thing, it all focuses out to one point, and you have this cone thing. its an entirely visual interpretation that reminds me a lot of graphing in math class, with lines marking units of thought, and once you pass a line, you are enlightened in that area and it is a lot easier to maintain, so you can start pushing out in a different direction if you want without completely losing your spike in the one direction. i needed a way to explain to myself how people could be so good at certain things, like how takumi could own the road and such, its just because he can push his part of that spike out farther than most people. it kind of makes sense in my head. at first it was a circle, but a circle is way too limiting, so i made it a sphere. but having it as a sphere makes it harder to visualize, which is kind of cool in a way.
anyways so, focusing. i forget what i was even trying to focus on. there i go again. i don't even try to say i don't care anymore. i want everyone to understand what i'm saying, and to some point agree with me. i'll talk to people about points they agree with me on so they can understand me better, and agree with me more. when people don't agree with me on something, i don't really see a need to explain myself further, unless they ask. when they ask its cool, because that also helps them understand me more. it doesn't happen often. i know i don't really have the patience to listen to someone about something i don't agree with, unless i don't agree with them simply because i haven't thought about it. and then its not that i don't agree with them, its just that there is a blank space in that area, so i am taking in what they thing like a sponge takes up water, hopefully ever expanding my sphere of thought. i don't know why i always expect to be understood, but i want people too understand what i have to say, otherwise i get frustrated. one thing i am getting a lot better at is throwing away or manipulating ideas i have that i find to be false. my thought ends up being fairly scientific. i have theories that i hold on to as true until they are proven false. then, i weed out the false parts and try to insert true parts so i don't waste the whole idea and have to start over. anyone who has ever done any coding before knows that sometimes the easiest and most efficient way to do things is just throw eveything you thought you knew about something away entirely, and start over from scratch incorperating key ideas from the main idea that didn't work. that was something i always have trouble with, but as i went on i got really good at, and therefore my coding efficiency improved drastically. but yeah.
as a whole, i think i am more right than most people, simply because i do think. i get this feeling that most people don't think to the same level as i do. i mean, everyone thinks, sure, but most people view thought as a tool that works them through the day. i see my thought as creative outlet. its a masterpiece that will never be completed, but i will always be tweaking and getting that much closer. i don't know what i think my thought really is, and how it is different from everyone else. i know i am not alone in thinking that my thought process is better than everyone elses. EVERYONE shares my view, only about themselves. i don't know. i guess i do feel above pretty much everyone in a lot of ways just because the way my mind works, and the way i nurture the things in my head. i guess what makes me better in my mind is my constant need to improve myself to myself. i don't care so much about improvement towards other people, although that definitely comes into play. constant internal tinkering is something i can do all the time if i want too, no matter what is going on around me. although, constant internal tinkering would drive me crazy. thats why i need tv. that is why i need really bad tv, something that inspires no thought, something to give myself a break from myself. people see this as lazy. its exactly the way i do everything else these days though. if there is something to do, i'll bust my ass until i do it, then i'll stop and relax until there is something else to do. that is, if there is something that needs doing. if i see something is pointless, i'll put it off until i absolutely have to do it, then i'll do only what needs to be done so i can get back to important things. i'm happy my new work sees the difference between being lazy because i'm done with everything and just being plain lazy. a lot of times my boss will come around, and i'll just kind of be standing there and he'll be like "well, ok". he doesn't like the fact that i'm not doing anything, but at the same time he loves the fact that i've done everything he told me to do on top of everything i was supposed to do anyways. this new way of thinking is a great improvement. the starflower me sucked. he was an ass, he just didn't do anything. now i do stuff, and constantly try to find ways to streamline what i'm doing so i can do it better with less effort and have more time to slack. of course, at the pizza place everything i do needs to be done or else the store will get behind. at starflower if i didn't do something, no one really cared because it really didn't matter in the end because everything was just retarded. but still, thats just me being bitter about my old job. if i did everything fast at starflower, i would have hated it more because they would have come up with more mindless useless zombie tasks to placate themselves.
so i am constantly improving myself, but where does that leave other people. quite frankly, i don't really care too much about what other people are doing unless it effects me. i'm a pretty selfish person. i figure, let other people do what they need to do. i don't need to be bothering other people all the time. they know what they are doing, so obviously i should leave them alone. if i see them doing something wrong, i don't like to just tell them they are doing it wrong. i like to try to let them figure it out on their own, because that moment where the light-bulb goes off is pretty priceless in terms of knowing things. if you figure it out, you won't forget it, because now you know it. if someone tells you something, you'll just forget. thats why school kind of fizzled out with me i guess. people tried to tell me all this shit, and i didn't really care. it stopped being about figuring things out, and turned into other people trying to jam things they had figured out over the course of 10 weeks so they could test me in the end and send me off to someone else. my mind got sick of it and turned off. a huge moment of weakness on my part, but hey, it happens. so yeah, in a lot of ways i am a shepherd. i don't like telling people things. when i was in charge of people at work, i always told people why i wanted them to do things. "spread this bark here because otherwise we both will have to spend 100 hours next month taking care of it. its better for both of us, look look, please understand".
i do wish people could instantly understand so i didn't have to keep up the act. i act differently around every person i know. i don't really know who the real me is. in a way, i don't really care. i don't think there is a real me. for some reason, i just had this thought, and it was comforting. if there is no real me, i'm never comprimising myself. jesus, this is great. anyways, if i'm around you, i am playing some sort of character. i'm taking on the role of the person i think you will like the most. i may be wrong, but thats ok. my life is an act. but yes. i am acting different because i am talking to you. that goes for everyone. i am on my guard when i'm around you. that doesn't mean i'm changing the way i'm thinking, it means i'm changing the way i talk and project myself towards you. i guess the real me is my thoughts. when i'm alone, i am the real me, but when i'm alone i don't have to talk or do anything. besides, its kind of fun. i treat life as a game. i put a lot of thought into the way things are going to work out so i can be prepared for every eventuality. i feel i'm a pretty astute observer of what is going on around me. i usually can have a pretty good grasp on the way things might turn out. i always plan for what i want to happen, but i plan for every other eventuality as well so i can do everything in my power to make sure things happen to my liking in that scenario as well. ask matt, serious. we do this a lot. he knows the way i think, because i tell him. he knows how well i keep myself prepared so i don't end up surprised and having to completely wing it. i mean, i have a great improvisational mind, as long as i have loose guidelines. when i have no guidelines, everything ends up being reactionary, which means everything is out of my control. i like to keep at least myself under control. i guess i can plan out so many things in my mind because i trust in my ability to handle a scenario when it happens, meaning as long as i'm aware that something might happen i can switch my mindset to handle it in a reasonable manner. i like to know who is going to be around, so i don't screw myself over. i am full of shit, i'll admit that, but i like to keep my shit along the edges of truth. i don't like to have people around who are going to call me on my shit. it usually happens when i let my guard slip, or i don't know someone is going to be around. if i knew they were going to be around, i would have changed my shit so they wouldn't be able to call me on it. i would have used different shit. grey areas and reasonable doubt are huge parts of my life because covering my ass is very important to me. if i get caught, i lose control over myself and put that control into someone elses hands. i don't like that.
i've really been trying to let people get away with more of their mental shit. it doesn't matter to me if they do stuff, and most of the time the stuff i have is all heresay and conjecture anyways, so i really have no reason to call them out on something. i call people out on things when they get sloppy. its the reason me and matt argue, so we don't let ourselves slip up. if one of us sees the other person doing something too stupid, we point it out, usually in front of as many people as possible. for one, its hilarious, but more importantly it serves as a lesson to ourselves. mental training kung fu style, if you will. it keeps our wits quick. matt and i both have very quick wits. sometimes our wits are too quick. everyone knows that feeling, where you say something, and then you realize it is such a mental leap that no one gets it. matt and i usually get eachother. its all based on the theoretical wavelength concept we came up with in high school. me and my group of friends were very close, so a lot of times we didn't even have to say something, and we all knew what no one was saying. someone would finally say it, and everyone would just be like "yup" and start laughing. this is why ryan and i can carry on conversations about nothing for literally hours. i don't think matt and i can quite match the things ryan and i did, but thats ok, because its entirely unnecessary because can completely baffle people. that is one thing i love about matt, is our minds work at almost exactly the same pace, so we can move a conversation from one point to another instantaniously. it is pretty baffling. all other sources of input just stop, and people are forced to sit and listen as the conversation they had a complete grasp on 30 seconds before has morphed into this whole other beast that they have no hold over. then we stop. we reach some sort of stopping point, trying to do it before it becomes uncomfortable for everyone. then usually there is laughter, which is great.
humor is important. humor keeps people happy with me. if people are happy with me, i don't have to worry about them. my little characters i have for everyone are all about keeping people happy with me. if people aren't happy with me, they become dangerous wild-cards, unpredictable beasts completely out of my control. they are completely out of my realm of reason, because i don't know what they are thinking at all. if i keep things light, things are happy. and really, seriously, all i want to do is be happy. my happyiness is the whole point of the game anyways. its the whole point of everyone's game, at least it should be. if everyone is winning no one is unhappy. just because i'm in a grey area of truth doesn't mean i'm lying to you. ok, yeah it does, but it doesn't mean you should get mad about it. i set up acceptable boundaries for pretty much everything i do, how far i will allow certain things to go before i have to stop and rethink things. my boundaries keep getting smaller and smaller as i figure more and more out. some day i won't have any boundaries, theoretically.
that will be the day my crusade starts, and the real thought can begin. it won't be an end, it will be a beginning.
its kind of like the whole sphere idea i had about the spectrum of human thought before frivolity, when i was going to write my online novel about the super race of super enlightened people, and how i somehow pooped my way out of this existance into their existance. like, if you think about everything at once, your sphere gets pushed out, but never really goes anywhere, but if you think about one thing, it all focuses out to one point, and you have this cone thing. its an entirely visual interpretation that reminds me a lot of graphing in math class, with lines marking units of thought, and once you pass a line, you are enlightened in that area and it is a lot easier to maintain, so you can start pushing out in a different direction if you want without completely losing your spike in the one direction. i needed a way to explain to myself how people could be so good at certain things, like how takumi could own the road and such, its just because he can push his part of that spike out farther than most people. it kind of makes sense in my head. at first it was a circle, but a circle is way too limiting, so i made it a sphere. but having it as a sphere makes it harder to visualize, which is kind of cool in a way.
anyways so, focusing. i forget what i was even trying to focus on. there i go again. i don't even try to say i don't care anymore. i want everyone to understand what i'm saying, and to some point agree with me. i'll talk to people about points they agree with me on so they can understand me better, and agree with me more. when people don't agree with me on something, i don't really see a need to explain myself further, unless they ask. when they ask its cool, because that also helps them understand me more. it doesn't happen often. i know i don't really have the patience to listen to someone about something i don't agree with, unless i don't agree with them simply because i haven't thought about it. and then its not that i don't agree with them, its just that there is a blank space in that area, so i am taking in what they thing like a sponge takes up water, hopefully ever expanding my sphere of thought. i don't know why i always expect to be understood, but i want people too understand what i have to say, otherwise i get frustrated. one thing i am getting a lot better at is throwing away or manipulating ideas i have that i find to be false. my thought ends up being fairly scientific. i have theories that i hold on to as true until they are proven false. then, i weed out the false parts and try to insert true parts so i don't waste the whole idea and have to start over. anyone who has ever done any coding before knows that sometimes the easiest and most efficient way to do things is just throw eveything you thought you knew about something away entirely, and start over from scratch incorperating key ideas from the main idea that didn't work. that was something i always have trouble with, but as i went on i got really good at, and therefore my coding efficiency improved drastically. but yeah.
as a whole, i think i am more right than most people, simply because i do think. i get this feeling that most people don't think to the same level as i do. i mean, everyone thinks, sure, but most people view thought as a tool that works them through the day. i see my thought as creative outlet. its a masterpiece that will never be completed, but i will always be tweaking and getting that much closer. i don't know what i think my thought really is, and how it is different from everyone else. i know i am not alone in thinking that my thought process is better than everyone elses. EVERYONE shares my view, only about themselves. i don't know. i guess i do feel above pretty much everyone in a lot of ways just because the way my mind works, and the way i nurture the things in my head. i guess what makes me better in my mind is my constant need to improve myself to myself. i don't care so much about improvement towards other people, although that definitely comes into play. constant internal tinkering is something i can do all the time if i want too, no matter what is going on around me. although, constant internal tinkering would drive me crazy. thats why i need tv. that is why i need really bad tv, something that inspires no thought, something to give myself a break from myself. people see this as lazy. its exactly the way i do everything else these days though. if there is something to do, i'll bust my ass until i do it, then i'll stop and relax until there is something else to do. that is, if there is something that needs doing. if i see something is pointless, i'll put it off until i absolutely have to do it, then i'll do only what needs to be done so i can get back to important things. i'm happy my new work sees the difference between being lazy because i'm done with everything and just being plain lazy. a lot of times my boss will come around, and i'll just kind of be standing there and he'll be like "well, ok". he doesn't like the fact that i'm not doing anything, but at the same time he loves the fact that i've done everything he told me to do on top of everything i was supposed to do anyways. this new way of thinking is a great improvement. the starflower me sucked. he was an ass, he just didn't do anything. now i do stuff, and constantly try to find ways to streamline what i'm doing so i can do it better with less effort and have more time to slack. of course, at the pizza place everything i do needs to be done or else the store will get behind. at starflower if i didn't do something, no one really cared because it really didn't matter in the end because everything was just retarded. but still, thats just me being bitter about my old job. if i did everything fast at starflower, i would have hated it more because they would have come up with more mindless useless zombie tasks to placate themselves.
so i am constantly improving myself, but where does that leave other people. quite frankly, i don't really care too much about what other people are doing unless it effects me. i'm a pretty selfish person. i figure, let other people do what they need to do. i don't need to be bothering other people all the time. they know what they are doing, so obviously i should leave them alone. if i see them doing something wrong, i don't like to just tell them they are doing it wrong. i like to try to let them figure it out on their own, because that moment where the light-bulb goes off is pretty priceless in terms of knowing things. if you figure it out, you won't forget it, because now you know it. if someone tells you something, you'll just forget. thats why school kind of fizzled out with me i guess. people tried to tell me all this shit, and i didn't really care. it stopped being about figuring things out, and turned into other people trying to jam things they had figured out over the course of 10 weeks so they could test me in the end and send me off to someone else. my mind got sick of it and turned off. a huge moment of weakness on my part, but hey, it happens. so yeah, in a lot of ways i am a shepherd. i don't like telling people things. when i was in charge of people at work, i always told people why i wanted them to do things. "spread this bark here because otherwise we both will have to spend 100 hours next month taking care of it. its better for both of us, look look, please understand".
i do wish people could instantly understand so i didn't have to keep up the act. i act differently around every person i know. i don't really know who the real me is. in a way, i don't really care. i don't think there is a real me. for some reason, i just had this thought, and it was comforting. if there is no real me, i'm never comprimising myself. jesus, this is great. anyways, if i'm around you, i am playing some sort of character. i'm taking on the role of the person i think you will like the most. i may be wrong, but thats ok. my life is an act. but yes. i am acting different because i am talking to you. that goes for everyone. i am on my guard when i'm around you. that doesn't mean i'm changing the way i'm thinking, it means i'm changing the way i talk and project myself towards you. i guess the real me is my thoughts. when i'm alone, i am the real me, but when i'm alone i don't have to talk or do anything. besides, its kind of fun. i treat life as a game. i put a lot of thought into the way things are going to work out so i can be prepared for every eventuality. i feel i'm a pretty astute observer of what is going on around me. i usually can have a pretty good grasp on the way things might turn out. i always plan for what i want to happen, but i plan for every other eventuality as well so i can do everything in my power to make sure things happen to my liking in that scenario as well. ask matt, serious. we do this a lot. he knows the way i think, because i tell him. he knows how well i keep myself prepared so i don't end up surprised and having to completely wing it. i mean, i have a great improvisational mind, as long as i have loose guidelines. when i have no guidelines, everything ends up being reactionary, which means everything is out of my control. i like to keep at least myself under control. i guess i can plan out so many things in my mind because i trust in my ability to handle a scenario when it happens, meaning as long as i'm aware that something might happen i can switch my mindset to handle it in a reasonable manner. i like to know who is going to be around, so i don't screw myself over. i am full of shit, i'll admit that, but i like to keep my shit along the edges of truth. i don't like to have people around who are going to call me on my shit. it usually happens when i let my guard slip, or i don't know someone is going to be around. if i knew they were going to be around, i would have changed my shit so they wouldn't be able to call me on it. i would have used different shit. grey areas and reasonable doubt are huge parts of my life because covering my ass is very important to me. if i get caught, i lose control over myself and put that control into someone elses hands. i don't like that.
i've really been trying to let people get away with more of their mental shit. it doesn't matter to me if they do stuff, and most of the time the stuff i have is all heresay and conjecture anyways, so i really have no reason to call them out on something. i call people out on things when they get sloppy. its the reason me and matt argue, so we don't let ourselves slip up. if one of us sees the other person doing something too stupid, we point it out, usually in front of as many people as possible. for one, its hilarious, but more importantly it serves as a lesson to ourselves. mental training kung fu style, if you will. it keeps our wits quick. matt and i both have very quick wits. sometimes our wits are too quick. everyone knows that feeling, where you say something, and then you realize it is such a mental leap that no one gets it. matt and i usually get eachother. its all based on the theoretical wavelength concept we came up with in high school. me and my group of friends were very close, so a lot of times we didn't even have to say something, and we all knew what no one was saying. someone would finally say it, and everyone would just be like "yup" and start laughing. this is why ryan and i can carry on conversations about nothing for literally hours. i don't think matt and i can quite match the things ryan and i did, but thats ok, because its entirely unnecessary because can completely baffle people. that is one thing i love about matt, is our minds work at almost exactly the same pace, so we can move a conversation from one point to another instantaniously. it is pretty baffling. all other sources of input just stop, and people are forced to sit and listen as the conversation they had a complete grasp on 30 seconds before has morphed into this whole other beast that they have no hold over. then we stop. we reach some sort of stopping point, trying to do it before it becomes uncomfortable for everyone. then usually there is laughter, which is great.
humor is important. humor keeps people happy with me. if people are happy with me, i don't have to worry about them. my little characters i have for everyone are all about keeping people happy with me. if people aren't happy with me, they become dangerous wild-cards, unpredictable beasts completely out of my control. they are completely out of my realm of reason, because i don't know what they are thinking at all. if i keep things light, things are happy. and really, seriously, all i want to do is be happy. my happyiness is the whole point of the game anyways. its the whole point of everyone's game, at least it should be. if everyone is winning no one is unhappy. just because i'm in a grey area of truth doesn't mean i'm lying to you. ok, yeah it does, but it doesn't mean you should get mad about it. i set up acceptable boundaries for pretty much everything i do, how far i will allow certain things to go before i have to stop and rethink things. my boundaries keep getting smaller and smaller as i figure more and more out. some day i won't have any boundaries, theoretically.
that will be the day my crusade starts, and the real thought can begin. it won't be an end, it will be a beginning.
