Thursday, October 31, 2002
well, i took out links for some of the blogs were down or that i literally never go to, since it seemed silly to have them there. sorry if anyone is offended or anything :p if you want your link back just email me, i just felt like cleaning a little
once upon a time, there was this website. you guys probably remember it. it was called amihotornot.com. since then, it has been shortened to hotornot.com and has spawned thousands of bastard offspring websites that try, but are never quite as good. i spent hours at this freaking website. i had a whole system for rating pictures so i could go through them faster. anyways, it was a genius website. but, i have found an even greater website. http://hot.fraudband.org/. what this website does is sort the hotornot data for you, and lists it. so, you can go through and look at everyone who was rated at 9.7 or above, etc etc. it is absolutely amazing. here i am, 3 years or so after finding the original website, and my interest is completely renewed.
i am realizing that a lot of people i know have the same ideas that i have. i read on smalls livejournal that someday his posts will be printed because he is famous and heralded as the greatest mind of his era. this is where things get a little tricky, because i always thought i was going to be the greatest mind of my era, and that my blogs were going to be published. and no ryan is off talking about writing a book and having it become an instant classic, which will lead to him being the greatest mind of his era and the subsequent publishing of his blogs.... i'm just confused now.
i have always wanted to write a book. it has always been a dream of mine to go into a bookstore and see a book by me on the shelf. i have always had this wierd love of reading. it is strange, because i go through such dry spells. i don't think i've read a book in months. it has been forever since i read. but still, my dream job would to own and operate my own bookstore. that would be great. close seconds would be owning and operating my own video store or music store, but i dunno. music and movies have been taking up a larger and larger portion of my life lately. books are no longer my one love, they have to share time with these other two wankers who are moving in. so yeah, i'm torn now. i still want to write a book though. its just never going to happen
i am realizing that a lot of people i know have the same ideas that i have. i read on smalls livejournal that someday his posts will be printed because he is famous and heralded as the greatest mind of his era. this is where things get a little tricky, because i always thought i was going to be the greatest mind of my era, and that my blogs were going to be published. and no ryan is off talking about writing a book and having it become an instant classic, which will lead to him being the greatest mind of his era and the subsequent publishing of his blogs.... i'm just confused now.
i have always wanted to write a book. it has always been a dream of mine to go into a bookstore and see a book by me on the shelf. i have always had this wierd love of reading. it is strange, because i go through such dry spells. i don't think i've read a book in months. it has been forever since i read. but still, my dream job would to own and operate my own bookstore. that would be great. close seconds would be owning and operating my own video store or music store, but i dunno. music and movies have been taking up a larger and larger portion of my life lately. books are no longer my one love, they have to share time with these other two wankers who are moving in. so yeah, i'm torn now. i still want to write a book though. its just never going to happen
Wednesday, October 30, 2002
BLARG WAAAAA H WHAHAHAHAH
recovery time.... it is wierd to still be recovering from saturday, but its true. the fact that saturday completely spilled over into a sunday and monday filled with excess everything didn't really help either. i think it was monday, probably the most stoned i've been since that day at wild waves. holy crimeny, the day after was a little goofy. anyways, i understand why people talk about depression after drugs. its not really a depression, just a lack of excitement. i seemed colder, it was harder to think about stuff, like what i wanted to eat. indecisiveness can be mistaken for depression... anyways, it was depression exactly, just a more depressive tendancy. so yeah, not depression, but i see why people could mistake it for that. so yeah, it was a fun party to say the least :P it really does hit you like a ton of bricks.
i feel that i can't blog about everything i want too... i'm paranoid again. someone found my blog again by searching for something work related, and i'm paranoid again. i just feel like someone is watching over my shoulder. i mean shit, i work all the time now, i don't even blog from work! i mean, really, the 10 minutes that took me really held me back....
SCREW ME!!!! i'm a knob. i'm so torn on my opinions now. i mean, shit, they are just all out of whack right now. i really think calling people is stupid. and i think relationships are stupid. actually, i think that other peoples relationships are stupid... great, adding new confusion. so shit, why would i want to call these chick, to hang out and shit, eventually leading to a relationship? bah! i wish you could go through the whole relationship process in about 6 hours. my attention span doesn't allow for much more than that. i mean fuck, i could just go out and meet some girl some night when i was bored, and then not have to worry about it when i woke up for work the next morning.
i trash relationships, yet i am never in one. people seem retarded when they are in relationships, but they don't care. hell, they are retarded. it is just an excuse to be retarded. i mean shit, its fun being retarded. i'm just a moron to begin with, so i might as well have someone else around to be retarded with me.
my head is a jumbled mass of laziness and horniness, i guess is what i'm saying. i mean, i sound like an asshole, but when you break it all down to the base emotions, thats pretty much what it comes down too. these days, i try not to kid myself. i think i had this blog a while ago about trying to brainwash yourself. if you brainwash yourself, does it become the truth since you are the only one involved and their is nothing else to ground the truth in? i mean, everyone is trying to fool everyone else all the time. you can't just lay yourself all out, or people will freak out. so you try to present yourself as someone whoever you are talking too would like (or dislike, as the case may be). life is about appearances. i mean, its still you, but you try to to show the other person someone they would like, and let them get acquainted with all your perversions and idiosyncrasies later. everyday you are fucking with everyone else, and vice versa. the only person you can really be true to is yourself, or else you will be shunned. so, if you try to fool yourself, you end up losing yourself and becoming a combination of all those other wankers that everyone else want you to be.
of course, i contradict myself. because even here, i try to be something i'm not. everything i write is an exaggeration. i mean, this blog reflects me, to a point. i don't know how to describe it without slipping into ANOTHER cheesy metaphor. i spew out enough of them as it is. so yeah, i'm reminded of this book i read. it was some cheesy fantasy book, i forget what it was called. this guy goes to this world, and like every few days the entire climate of this place changes. like, it would start raining, or everything would start dying, etc etc. like, normal world type things, taken to an extreme, and flipped around every few days. it has been a long time since i read the book, but i think what was going on is this evil dude was spewwing out this cloud into the air that created this buffer between the real air and earth, so it seemed like the entire atmosphere would change when really it was just this thin layer of wierdness that screwed everything up. thats kind of like what this blog is. its what i'm thinking filtered through whatever emotion i'm feeling at the moment. depending on what is going in my head, the same thoughts will sound remarkably different....
so yeah, if i sit here and tell myself i'd call one someone i met at a party for some romantacized reason, i'd be lying. i'm just horny. everyone's horny. romance was created to justify our horniness. most people put a taboo on things that they deem overly sexual. being a hopeless romantic sounds a lot better than being a slut. i wouldn't be mad if someone called me a slut. i'd have to be getting action to be a slut, but lets forget that for the moment. i know what i'm thinking. i know what i want. i can live with it, no matter what other people think. in the end we all just want some action. its too bad things get so stupid.
in the end, though, horniness can be dealt with. horniness is not the controlling emotion. i can obviously put up with a lot of it, otherwise i'd probably be in jail. i may be horny, but so what. horny is just another lesser emotion to shove to the back of my mind :P boredom on the other hand... something is lacking. i'm a bored wanker. who knows.
jaded blog out! good god, lol, how did i get this jaded. i think its pretty funny :) it makes for good humor, its always entertaining.
ok, one last thing. i don't consider myself a model of perfect spelling and grammar. my interest with such things ended after 6th grade when we stopped having spelling tests and computers started having spellcheck. i get things wrong all the time, but i think i get the point across. i really don't care. my spelling for certain words flip flops every day. i'm sure i've mispelled the same word in the same sentance before. good spelling and good grammar does not equal intelligence. too many people seem to think it does. good grammar and good spelling comes from having the english language hammered into your head. it becomes habit, like remembering to wake up and going to work in the morning. people can memorize entire movies, and recite every line a half second before it is said while watching it. does that make them smart? not really.... blah. the next freaking internet wanker who use lack of grammar as justification to be an ignorant moron is going to earn a permanant spot on my idiot of the century list. i hate that shit. i think most people have completely twisted the meaning of intelligence somewhere along the line to suit their own purposes. i know i have :D
end this how i started it WAAAAAAH BWAAAAAAAAAAH BRWOWWAAAAAAAAH!!!
recovery time.... it is wierd to still be recovering from saturday, but its true. the fact that saturday completely spilled over into a sunday and monday filled with excess everything didn't really help either. i think it was monday, probably the most stoned i've been since that day at wild waves. holy crimeny, the day after was a little goofy. anyways, i understand why people talk about depression after drugs. its not really a depression, just a lack of excitement. i seemed colder, it was harder to think about stuff, like what i wanted to eat. indecisiveness can be mistaken for depression... anyways, it was depression exactly, just a more depressive tendancy. so yeah, not depression, but i see why people could mistake it for that. so yeah, it was a fun party to say the least :P it really does hit you like a ton of bricks.
i feel that i can't blog about everything i want too... i'm paranoid again. someone found my blog again by searching for something work related, and i'm paranoid again. i just feel like someone is watching over my shoulder. i mean shit, i work all the time now, i don't even blog from work! i mean, really, the 10 minutes that took me really held me back....
SCREW ME!!!! i'm a knob. i'm so torn on my opinions now. i mean, shit, they are just all out of whack right now. i really think calling people is stupid. and i think relationships are stupid. actually, i think that other peoples relationships are stupid... great, adding new confusion. so shit, why would i want to call these chick, to hang out and shit, eventually leading to a relationship? bah! i wish you could go through the whole relationship process in about 6 hours. my attention span doesn't allow for much more than that. i mean fuck, i could just go out and meet some girl some night when i was bored, and then not have to worry about it when i woke up for work the next morning.
i trash relationships, yet i am never in one. people seem retarded when they are in relationships, but they don't care. hell, they are retarded. it is just an excuse to be retarded. i mean shit, its fun being retarded. i'm just a moron to begin with, so i might as well have someone else around to be retarded with me.
my head is a jumbled mass of laziness and horniness, i guess is what i'm saying. i mean, i sound like an asshole, but when you break it all down to the base emotions, thats pretty much what it comes down too. these days, i try not to kid myself. i think i had this blog a while ago about trying to brainwash yourself. if you brainwash yourself, does it become the truth since you are the only one involved and their is nothing else to ground the truth in? i mean, everyone is trying to fool everyone else all the time. you can't just lay yourself all out, or people will freak out. so you try to present yourself as someone whoever you are talking too would like (or dislike, as the case may be). life is about appearances. i mean, its still you, but you try to to show the other person someone they would like, and let them get acquainted with all your perversions and idiosyncrasies later. everyday you are fucking with everyone else, and vice versa. the only person you can really be true to is yourself, or else you will be shunned. so, if you try to fool yourself, you end up losing yourself and becoming a combination of all those other wankers that everyone else want you to be.
of course, i contradict myself. because even here, i try to be something i'm not. everything i write is an exaggeration. i mean, this blog reflects me, to a point. i don't know how to describe it without slipping into ANOTHER cheesy metaphor. i spew out enough of them as it is. so yeah, i'm reminded of this book i read. it was some cheesy fantasy book, i forget what it was called. this guy goes to this world, and like every few days the entire climate of this place changes. like, it would start raining, or everything would start dying, etc etc. like, normal world type things, taken to an extreme, and flipped around every few days. it has been a long time since i read the book, but i think what was going on is this evil dude was spewwing out this cloud into the air that created this buffer between the real air and earth, so it seemed like the entire atmosphere would change when really it was just this thin layer of wierdness that screwed everything up. thats kind of like what this blog is. its what i'm thinking filtered through whatever emotion i'm feeling at the moment. depending on what is going in my head, the same thoughts will sound remarkably different....
so yeah, if i sit here and tell myself i'd call one someone i met at a party for some romantacized reason, i'd be lying. i'm just horny. everyone's horny. romance was created to justify our horniness. most people put a taboo on things that they deem overly sexual. being a hopeless romantic sounds a lot better than being a slut. i wouldn't be mad if someone called me a slut. i'd have to be getting action to be a slut, but lets forget that for the moment. i know what i'm thinking. i know what i want. i can live with it, no matter what other people think. in the end we all just want some action. its too bad things get so stupid.
in the end, though, horniness can be dealt with. horniness is not the controlling emotion. i can obviously put up with a lot of it, otherwise i'd probably be in jail. i may be horny, but so what. horny is just another lesser emotion to shove to the back of my mind :P boredom on the other hand... something is lacking. i'm a bored wanker. who knows.
jaded blog out! good god, lol, how did i get this jaded. i think its pretty funny :) it makes for good humor, its always entertaining.
ok, one last thing. i don't consider myself a model of perfect spelling and grammar. my interest with such things ended after 6th grade when we stopped having spelling tests and computers started having spellcheck. i get things wrong all the time, but i think i get the point across. i really don't care. my spelling for certain words flip flops every day. i'm sure i've mispelled the same word in the same sentance before. good spelling and good grammar does not equal intelligence. too many people seem to think it does. good grammar and good spelling comes from having the english language hammered into your head. it becomes habit, like remembering to wake up and going to work in the morning. people can memorize entire movies, and recite every line a half second before it is said while watching it. does that make them smart? not really.... blah. the next freaking internet wanker who use lack of grammar as justification to be an ignorant moron is going to earn a permanant spot on my idiot of the century list. i hate that shit. i think most people have completely twisted the meaning of intelligence somewhere along the line to suit their own purposes. i know i have :D
end this how i started it WAAAAAAH BWAAAAAAAAAAH BRWOWWAAAAAAAAH!!!
Monday, October 28, 2002
i am such a fucking tool. hot blonde chick comes to my door to deliver my pizza, and i turn into a stuttering idiot. oh well, she thought it was cute, i know it. she had a silly grin on her face when she left. still... what is it about hot blondes that bring guys to their knees? if i can't talk to the pizza girl, how am i ever supposed to call someone up. jesus what is wrong with me :D
i'm trying to remember what i've eaten in the past 4 or 5 days, and all i can remember are the chicken nuggets i got yesterday at the westlake center food court. i'm so hungry...
wierdest commercial ever....
polite friendly banter about reading and such between two girls
slut one: have you read anything good recently?
slut two: yeah, actually, here *holds up book of mormon*
*audience blinks in shock*
*full on mormon shpiel*
it was just wierd, it was so unexpected. all of the sudden they were talking about mormanism and such. i am kind of scared.
polite friendly banter about reading and such between two girls
slut one: have you read anything good recently?
slut two: yeah, actually, here *holds up book of mormon*
*audience blinks in shock*
*full on mormon shpiel*
it was just wierd, it was so unexpected. all of the sudden they were talking about mormanism and such. i am kind of scared.
i need axe body deoderant spray.
guys would put out hits on me. with my long hair, and the axe effect, other guys just wouldn't have a chance.
that is all for now. after effects of the party on saturday lasting a little longer than i expected. OOOOOOOF....
guys would put out hits on me. with my long hair, and the axe effect, other guys just wouldn't have a chance.
that is all for now. after effects of the party on saturday lasting a little longer than i expected. OOOOOOOF....
Thursday, October 24, 2002
holy fucking shit........
ryan has pooped himself on to another plane of existance... that was quite possibly the craziest shit i have ever read. get me some of what that man is having.
ryan has pooped himself on to another plane of existance... that was quite possibly the craziest shit i have ever read. get me some of what that man is having.
Saturday, October 19, 2002
blarg! i'm annoyed at myself. i've up and lost that damn picture that manuel took of me in my karate outfit last halloween. the one with mel and calen and such, like the only recent picture i have of myself where i look kind of like me. i mean, the real me, not the me who is dressed up in a toga in front of a keg. and that picture isn't even recent anymore!!!!!!! fucked i guess, if anyone has it, send it my way.
so here's the deal. last night air started going off on a wanklike tangent on the front porch, and it was glorious. he just started going into things that didn't really relate to eachother. it kind of blindsided me, so i just kind of sat there. i hope i don't discourage him, because it was freaking money, and he probably doesn't even know it. on another side note, we watched swingers a few nights ago for the first time in a long time. it was the first time air had seen it, i hope it changes his life. side note- return swingers, its already overdue....
i don't have the heart to blog about work... every time i think about it these days, i get one of those stressed out knots in my stomach because i literally don't have the time to do all the things that are expected of me. i mean, its like for the past looong while, probably ever since i broke out of that funk about a year ago when i realized i didn't get that other job, i've been busy at work. i've actually been a productive member of the staff, i'd like to think. i think i've turned things around gloriously. i mean shit, look at me now. i'm 21 and i'm a project lead. i'm 7 or 8 years younger than than anyone else on the staff, and i have the same level of responsibility as everyone else. i like to think that i don't do as much as everyone else because i simply don't have the same skills that everyone else has, but hey what do you expect. i'm a freaking 21 year old college dropout with no experience and no education. you have to cut me a bit of slack, i think i'm doing a fantastic job of running this thing considering i'm basically making things up as i go along. i don't know how to do this shit. blah. the wierd thing is, now that i am actually putting forth effort and such, my job is somehow less rewarding. i was hoping that the responsibility and such would be rewarding, that i would feel a sense of accomplishment at least. somehow now that i am actually doing work instead of going through the motions, my job seems more pointless and futile to me. i hate my job, and i wish i had another one. i have absolutely no interest in the field i am in, or the work i am doing. i find myself relishing tasks like setting up new spreadsheets as templates for reports that aren't going to have any bearing on anything because this is more exciting to me than anything else i do. i think about things. like, i wonder how much more my coworkers are making for doing the same job. i used to think i was overpaid, but now i get the feeling that i'm getting screwed by my job. the extremely sad thing is, there is really nothing i can do. there is no way i could find another job that paid NEARLY as much as my current job does, or gives me the flexibility to go to school and such. it is just dumb. work saps away all of my will to live. even on easy days, i come home depressed and just wanting to sleep because my job has leeched any enthusiasm i had built up since work the day before. school is a joke because of this. after work, the last thing i want to do is sit through traffic again to go to freaking school. at least at school no one cares if i actually show up.
because of this, school is better than work. i'm sorry ryan, but i like school more than work. its just true. i never thought i would be able to say that i like school more than something, anything. school was the bane of my existance. it was the so hated of of everything that had been so hated in the past. it was the worst possible thing. if i could have traded a testicle for a free ride out of school and into a well paying career i probably would have done it, and thats saying a lot, i enjoy my nuts.
but fuck that. fuck it all. the moral of the story, i'm on the verge of going down hard. something is going to happen. i'm going to snap and quit my job and drop out of school, go broke, and have to leech of my parents again, and this scares me more than anything. this is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen to me, and i would do anything to avoid it. i put such a huge emphasis on independence, financial or otherwise. i don't like to have to rely on other people. i don't know where this came from. oh, i have theories. i have theories about pretty much everything. sometimes i think i should be a psychologist because i'm always fucking analysing myself, the crazy problems i foresee myself as having, and where they could have stemmed from. maybe this is why i am so good at hiding things from other people, because i realize what is wrong with me before other people have a chance to catch on. but i wouldn't trade them for anything. the one i take pride in, even more so than my independence, is my individuality. i truely think i am on a different wavelength than everyone else. i know, i know, everyone is a unique and beautiful snowflake, and everyone's thought process is different, and blah blah blah. i think that my world is a little askew from anyone elses. like, if you made my mind and my thoughts into a movie, it would be one of those brilliant cinematic achievements that the majority of the world hates because it is beyond their comprehension. there would be a select few who would see it as visionary, etc, but seriously. i don't think the world is ready for me. this realization may be making me cocky, but you would be cocky too if you realized that the majority of the world couldn't even begin to understand the complexity of your mind. it is something i will always be able to take solace in, the fact that my mind is unique, that no one else understands the thoughts that are running around in there. oh people come close. there are certain people i tend to gravitate towards because they share some of my brilliance. but the majority of people, fuckem. not worth my time to share my conversation with them. and this is when i'm sober.... you can imagine how bad it gets when i smoke a little :p
this is where the whole antichrist thing comes from. it is purely ficticious, but it made so much sense when i was thinking about it. i'm not a big fan of religion. i think religion has done more harm than good, but i am willing to accept that the majority of people need it. i no longer even look at it as a character flaw, which is a farely huge step from my militant atheist high school years. i can pretty much say right now that i'm agnostic, not because i am acknowledging the possibilty of a higher entity, but because it is just easier that way, and in reality i really doing care anymore. it is just easier to say i'm an agnostic than have people harp on me and drill me with questions i really don't care about because i'm an atheist. i don't care. i don't think there is a god. i think all religions are a sham. but i don't have the energy to elevate my thought patter to the atheist level anymore. another thing that isn't worth my time.
religions are a funny thing. it is funny to turn things around. i really enjoy blasphemy. i think it is a great past time, not to actually rile people up, but because it could if i shared my ficticious beliefs with the right people. i am a big fan of the "bible = nazi-like propaganda" theory. i'm not even sure if anyone else shares my theory, but i'm sure people do. i think the bible is misleading and filled with half truths on every page. because of this, if there happened to be a god, i think he'd be a dick. i think he'd be the unbending dictator that everyone hates but is too afraid to say it. i'm sure i've talked about this before. this brings us to the whole satan and hell thing. someone finally stood up to god's belligerent shit, so he gets cast out and turned into the antithesis of everything good by some ultrapowerful wanker with a grudge. i watched part of 'made' last night, and vince vaughns character reminded me of what i see god as, only with a lot more power. completely irrational, zero common sense, and completely unbending. if someone questioned anything he said, no matter how stupid it was, he'd go off with this huge trail of stupid shit. everyone else realized it wasn't worth it to even acknowledge his stupidity. so this is god. enter satan. reasonable guy, very well liked. nice, good opinions, above all respected. finally after billions, trillions of years of gods fucking retard ways, he snaps and just goes WHAT THE FUCK, YOU ARE A FREAKING MORON, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM. and so god goes off in the typical god way. taking things above and beyond what is necessary, unwilling to let things go, driving everything into the ground. a few people stand up for satan, but most people are too scared of god to do anything else. so god wins, he gets pissed, he created humans, and created earth, all to spite satan, so he could brainwash these people into hating satan. this is the worst thing that could happen to satan, that people hate him. because satan loves humans. he hates the bullshit that goes on in heaven, and thought "finally!!! people that aren't tainted with all the rediculocity in that fucking place. people who will actually think for themselves"
which brings us to why i think this. basically none of the ideas in the bible can be proven. some dates may match up, but that just enhances the split between reality and fiction. i think christianity would have done well from the beginning to say "this isn't all real, a lot of it is made up to keep you fucks in line." but now, as we progress in life, we realize that a ton of shit in the bible is utter bullshit, even though the dates match up so it was based on reality. like, these people probably existed, but their ideas don't make any sense. and if nothing they say can be proven, but a bunch of what they say is completely ass backward, how can i believe in anything they say! i mean shit, i am inclined to disbelieve everything in the bible. in all actuality, if you think about it, it is backwards and illogical, based on the rules of rational thought, to believe in the bible, as opposed to disbelieving the entire thing. it just doesn't make sense to keep clinging on this aged relic thought up by the devine retard to defeat everything that is retarded, and further blasphemized by his retard followers for their personal gain. don't even get me started on the freaking catholic priests and their further manipulation of a book based on falsehoods that somehow has been forced on us because we didn't no any better. i mean honestly, how are we supposed to stand up to the will of god? there is no way, especially if he is drunk on his own power and hell bent on this petty little grudge.
so i am inclined to sympathize with satan, if i am forced to believe in anything. i think he really loves humans, and it kills him that he can't a part of our world. i think hell is really the paradise i am dreaming off, and heaven is a place filled with hypocricy. i compare them to the greek city states of athens and sparta. i'll start with heaven, and its early historical counterpart, sparta. sparta was a militant, organized world. there was no room for individual thought, below the council of 20, or however many of those wankers there were running the whole thing. children were forced to enroll in the military, stripped from their parents at an early age and sent to military compounds with their peers (see sunday school). they are brainwashed to believe that city and country, the glory of sparta, etc, are more important than their own lives. sparta always seemed like such a terrible place for me to live, that i would go insane. but i realize that a lot of people need that kind of discipline. they need people to tell them what to do, what job to get, what to wear, what to do, who to vote for, right and wrong, up down. they don't have the mental capacity for individuality. the majority of people are sheep, and therefore this whole spartan philosophy fits perfectly into this. i mean, look at the similarities!! they are a little frightening. society splits us into little groups, and trys to pound this sense of unity into our head. we are turned into little military unites, devoted to our friends, from a very young age. sparta was the clique society our european chistian asses live in taken to the extreme.
which brings us to hell...... time will tell. hell is athens, a city of enlightenment, the society we all would like to think we live in. it isn't actually true, i find more similarities between our society and the spartan ideals than what we see as athenic ideals. in the end, enlightenment and reason won out, for a time at least. we are entering a new age of enlightenment. an age where the shackles of religion are thrown off, where the ideals of hell are taken up by a select few. change is a gradual process, but it need to start somewhere. ideals like individuality, respect, independence, ideas that our society would like to stifle. i will be on the forefront of this revolution. thus, i am the antichrist.
that is where that statement came from, anyways..... i'm all blogged out for right now, i was going to talk about death by masterbation, but that will be another blog.
ps- if you are offended by this, please realize that i don't actually believe in this. it is just fun to think about because it such a far cry from what is generally considered acceptable thinking, yet there is such a vein of truth in it :)
wankdrawndagger whut....
so here's the deal. last night air started going off on a wanklike tangent on the front porch, and it was glorious. he just started going into things that didn't really relate to eachother. it kind of blindsided me, so i just kind of sat there. i hope i don't discourage him, because it was freaking money, and he probably doesn't even know it. on another side note, we watched swingers a few nights ago for the first time in a long time. it was the first time air had seen it, i hope it changes his life. side note- return swingers, its already overdue....
i don't have the heart to blog about work... every time i think about it these days, i get one of those stressed out knots in my stomach because i literally don't have the time to do all the things that are expected of me. i mean, its like for the past looong while, probably ever since i broke out of that funk about a year ago when i realized i didn't get that other job, i've been busy at work. i've actually been a productive member of the staff, i'd like to think. i think i've turned things around gloriously. i mean shit, look at me now. i'm 21 and i'm a project lead. i'm 7 or 8 years younger than than anyone else on the staff, and i have the same level of responsibility as everyone else. i like to think that i don't do as much as everyone else because i simply don't have the same skills that everyone else has, but hey what do you expect. i'm a freaking 21 year old college dropout with no experience and no education. you have to cut me a bit of slack, i think i'm doing a fantastic job of running this thing considering i'm basically making things up as i go along. i don't know how to do this shit. blah. the wierd thing is, now that i am actually putting forth effort and such, my job is somehow less rewarding. i was hoping that the responsibility and such would be rewarding, that i would feel a sense of accomplishment at least. somehow now that i am actually doing work instead of going through the motions, my job seems more pointless and futile to me. i hate my job, and i wish i had another one. i have absolutely no interest in the field i am in, or the work i am doing. i find myself relishing tasks like setting up new spreadsheets as templates for reports that aren't going to have any bearing on anything because this is more exciting to me than anything else i do. i think about things. like, i wonder how much more my coworkers are making for doing the same job. i used to think i was overpaid, but now i get the feeling that i'm getting screwed by my job. the extremely sad thing is, there is really nothing i can do. there is no way i could find another job that paid NEARLY as much as my current job does, or gives me the flexibility to go to school and such. it is just dumb. work saps away all of my will to live. even on easy days, i come home depressed and just wanting to sleep because my job has leeched any enthusiasm i had built up since work the day before. school is a joke because of this. after work, the last thing i want to do is sit through traffic again to go to freaking school. at least at school no one cares if i actually show up.
because of this, school is better than work. i'm sorry ryan, but i like school more than work. its just true. i never thought i would be able to say that i like school more than something, anything. school was the bane of my existance. it was the so hated of of everything that had been so hated in the past. it was the worst possible thing. if i could have traded a testicle for a free ride out of school and into a well paying career i probably would have done it, and thats saying a lot, i enjoy my nuts.
but fuck that. fuck it all. the moral of the story, i'm on the verge of going down hard. something is going to happen. i'm going to snap and quit my job and drop out of school, go broke, and have to leech of my parents again, and this scares me more than anything. this is quite possibly the worst thing that could happen to me, and i would do anything to avoid it. i put such a huge emphasis on independence, financial or otherwise. i don't like to have to rely on other people. i don't know where this came from. oh, i have theories. i have theories about pretty much everything. sometimes i think i should be a psychologist because i'm always fucking analysing myself, the crazy problems i foresee myself as having, and where they could have stemmed from. maybe this is why i am so good at hiding things from other people, because i realize what is wrong with me before other people have a chance to catch on. but i wouldn't trade them for anything. the one i take pride in, even more so than my independence, is my individuality. i truely think i am on a different wavelength than everyone else. i know, i know, everyone is a unique and beautiful snowflake, and everyone's thought process is different, and blah blah blah. i think that my world is a little askew from anyone elses. like, if you made my mind and my thoughts into a movie, it would be one of those brilliant cinematic achievements that the majority of the world hates because it is beyond their comprehension. there would be a select few who would see it as visionary, etc, but seriously. i don't think the world is ready for me. this realization may be making me cocky, but you would be cocky too if you realized that the majority of the world couldn't even begin to understand the complexity of your mind. it is something i will always be able to take solace in, the fact that my mind is unique, that no one else understands the thoughts that are running around in there. oh people come close. there are certain people i tend to gravitate towards because they share some of my brilliance. but the majority of people, fuckem. not worth my time to share my conversation with them. and this is when i'm sober.... you can imagine how bad it gets when i smoke a little :p
this is where the whole antichrist thing comes from. it is purely ficticious, but it made so much sense when i was thinking about it. i'm not a big fan of religion. i think religion has done more harm than good, but i am willing to accept that the majority of people need it. i no longer even look at it as a character flaw, which is a farely huge step from my militant atheist high school years. i can pretty much say right now that i'm agnostic, not because i am acknowledging the possibilty of a higher entity, but because it is just easier that way, and in reality i really doing care anymore. it is just easier to say i'm an agnostic than have people harp on me and drill me with questions i really don't care about because i'm an atheist. i don't care. i don't think there is a god. i think all religions are a sham. but i don't have the energy to elevate my thought patter to the atheist level anymore. another thing that isn't worth my time.
religions are a funny thing. it is funny to turn things around. i really enjoy blasphemy. i think it is a great past time, not to actually rile people up, but because it could if i shared my ficticious beliefs with the right people. i am a big fan of the "bible = nazi-like propaganda" theory. i'm not even sure if anyone else shares my theory, but i'm sure people do. i think the bible is misleading and filled with half truths on every page. because of this, if there happened to be a god, i think he'd be a dick. i think he'd be the unbending dictator that everyone hates but is too afraid to say it. i'm sure i've talked about this before. this brings us to the whole satan and hell thing. someone finally stood up to god's belligerent shit, so he gets cast out and turned into the antithesis of everything good by some ultrapowerful wanker with a grudge. i watched part of 'made' last night, and vince vaughns character reminded me of what i see god as, only with a lot more power. completely irrational, zero common sense, and completely unbending. if someone questioned anything he said, no matter how stupid it was, he'd go off with this huge trail of stupid shit. everyone else realized it wasn't worth it to even acknowledge his stupidity. so this is god. enter satan. reasonable guy, very well liked. nice, good opinions, above all respected. finally after billions, trillions of years of gods fucking retard ways, he snaps and just goes WHAT THE FUCK, YOU ARE A FREAKING MORON, WHAT THE HELL IS YOUR FREAKING PROBLEM. and so god goes off in the typical god way. taking things above and beyond what is necessary, unwilling to let things go, driving everything into the ground. a few people stand up for satan, but most people are too scared of god to do anything else. so god wins, he gets pissed, he created humans, and created earth, all to spite satan, so he could brainwash these people into hating satan. this is the worst thing that could happen to satan, that people hate him. because satan loves humans. he hates the bullshit that goes on in heaven, and thought "finally!!! people that aren't tainted with all the rediculocity in that fucking place. people who will actually think for themselves"
which brings us to why i think this. basically none of the ideas in the bible can be proven. some dates may match up, but that just enhances the split between reality and fiction. i think christianity would have done well from the beginning to say "this isn't all real, a lot of it is made up to keep you fucks in line." but now, as we progress in life, we realize that a ton of shit in the bible is utter bullshit, even though the dates match up so it was based on reality. like, these people probably existed, but their ideas don't make any sense. and if nothing they say can be proven, but a bunch of what they say is completely ass backward, how can i believe in anything they say! i mean shit, i am inclined to disbelieve everything in the bible. in all actuality, if you think about it, it is backwards and illogical, based on the rules of rational thought, to believe in the bible, as opposed to disbelieving the entire thing. it just doesn't make sense to keep clinging on this aged relic thought up by the devine retard to defeat everything that is retarded, and further blasphemized by his retard followers for their personal gain. don't even get me started on the freaking catholic priests and their further manipulation of a book based on falsehoods that somehow has been forced on us because we didn't no any better. i mean honestly, how are we supposed to stand up to the will of god? there is no way, especially if he is drunk on his own power and hell bent on this petty little grudge.
so i am inclined to sympathize with satan, if i am forced to believe in anything. i think he really loves humans, and it kills him that he can't a part of our world. i think hell is really the paradise i am dreaming off, and heaven is a place filled with hypocricy. i compare them to the greek city states of athens and sparta. i'll start with heaven, and its early historical counterpart, sparta. sparta was a militant, organized world. there was no room for individual thought, below the council of 20, or however many of those wankers there were running the whole thing. children were forced to enroll in the military, stripped from their parents at an early age and sent to military compounds with their peers (see sunday school). they are brainwashed to believe that city and country, the glory of sparta, etc, are more important than their own lives. sparta always seemed like such a terrible place for me to live, that i would go insane. but i realize that a lot of people need that kind of discipline. they need people to tell them what to do, what job to get, what to wear, what to do, who to vote for, right and wrong, up down. they don't have the mental capacity for individuality. the majority of people are sheep, and therefore this whole spartan philosophy fits perfectly into this. i mean, look at the similarities!! they are a little frightening. society splits us into little groups, and trys to pound this sense of unity into our head. we are turned into little military unites, devoted to our friends, from a very young age. sparta was the clique society our european chistian asses live in taken to the extreme.
which brings us to hell...... time will tell. hell is athens, a city of enlightenment, the society we all would like to think we live in. it isn't actually true, i find more similarities between our society and the spartan ideals than what we see as athenic ideals. in the end, enlightenment and reason won out, for a time at least. we are entering a new age of enlightenment. an age where the shackles of religion are thrown off, where the ideals of hell are taken up by a select few. change is a gradual process, but it need to start somewhere. ideals like individuality, respect, independence, ideas that our society would like to stifle. i will be on the forefront of this revolution. thus, i am the antichrist.
that is where that statement came from, anyways..... i'm all blogged out for right now, i was going to talk about death by masterbation, but that will be another blog.
ps- if you are offended by this, please realize that i don't actually believe in this. it is just fun to think about because it such a far cry from what is generally considered acceptable thinking, yet there is such a vein of truth in it :)
wankdrawndagger whut....
Wednesday, October 16, 2002
the story of the world, part 1.
alright, i need to write a book or something. the crazy ideas that pop into my head in the shower, i swear.
anyways, today i was like, naked in my room because i'd just taken a shower, and i felt all wierd. then i was like dude, if i can't be naked in my room, where can i be naked? then i realized it all came back to the shower. naked in the shower. it all seems to fit together so perfectly.
alright, i need to write a book or something. the crazy ideas that pop into my head in the shower, i swear.
anyways, today i was like, naked in my room because i'd just taken a shower, and i felt all wierd. then i was like dude, if i can't be naked in my room, where can i be naked? then i realized it all came back to the shower. naked in the shower. it all seems to fit together so perfectly.
Sunday, October 13, 2002
I am the Antichrist.
i'm not fucking around here, i've all but proven it. more to come, hopefully soon
i'm not fucking around here, i've all but proven it. more to come, hopefully soon
Friday, October 11, 2002
everyone, EVERYONE go to ryan's blog now. he is on the verge of a major breakthrough, and i think i want to be in on it when it spews forth in a glorious spray of several juices, organic and manmade. i mean shit, he touched on some good things there...
something i'll always give ryan props for is talking about masturbation. i mean seriously, why is this such a taboo subject. people don't talk about it because of what, they are ashamed of it? i'm proud of my wanking, because it means i'm not outside raping some random girl. think about it, if masturbation wasn't an option, women would be put into sexual slavery. the majority of men are bigger and stronger than the majority of women. not to knock women or anything, but its just kind of the truth. oh god, our society would degenerate into a cess pool of rape and murder. you would be walking down the street, and see some dude just like grab a chick and start doing her right there. it would be terrible!! men are naturally sex-driven. if it weren't for sex, a lot of guys just wouldn't put up with girls shit period. but we like sex, and girls just don't give it up. under normal circumstances, death would insue. but oh wait, we can get ourselves off. it isn't as good, but it keeps us satisfied for another 20 minutes or so. if we had no release, holy shit.... women would start giving it up A LOT more, one way or another.
you can say that masturbation has saved the world. i like to think that i'm doing my part to ensure world peace every time me and my hand have a meeting of the minds.
something i'll always give ryan props for is talking about masturbation. i mean seriously, why is this such a taboo subject. people don't talk about it because of what, they are ashamed of it? i'm proud of my wanking, because it means i'm not outside raping some random girl. think about it, if masturbation wasn't an option, women would be put into sexual slavery. the majority of men are bigger and stronger than the majority of women. not to knock women or anything, but its just kind of the truth. oh god, our society would degenerate into a cess pool of rape and murder. you would be walking down the street, and see some dude just like grab a chick and start doing her right there. it would be terrible!! men are naturally sex-driven. if it weren't for sex, a lot of guys just wouldn't put up with girls shit period. but we like sex, and girls just don't give it up. under normal circumstances, death would insue. but oh wait, we can get ourselves off. it isn't as good, but it keeps us satisfied for another 20 minutes or so. if we had no release, holy shit.... women would start giving it up A LOT more, one way or another.
you can say that masturbation has saved the world. i like to think that i'm doing my part to ensure world peace every time me and my hand have a meeting of the minds.
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
i have hereby been pooped directly down to the second greatest mind in modern history.
directly from ryans blog
"note to ben: drink in the morning, i'm sure it'll make things go alot faster"
i'm just grinning stupidly right now. it has been a while since i've been drunk.......
directly from ryans blog
"note to ben: drink in the morning, i'm sure it'll make things go alot faster"
i'm just grinning stupidly right now. it has been a while since i've been drunk.......
blog blog blog.
onto pertinent subjects, such as school. school.... school is so hated. i've missed like 2 quizzes already and there have only been 6 possible classes. i hate school. i going to keep going though, hopefully pass this class at least. that shouldn't be too exceedingly difficult. hopefully i can pull it off. i don't even really care about grades at all anymore. i just hate school. it is so fucking stupid. i mean, why in the hell should i be forced to go do a freaking 2.5 hour lab that introduces you to the microscope. i was like fuck this, no way i'm driving all the way over to freaking bellevue and back to sit there and look at freaking cloth through a damn microscope. i did that already in 4th grade. anyways, i skipped another class because i smoked to the point of retardation, like literally. i couldn't move. this is because i hate work more than i hate school. i come home, i need something, so i don't just die. i am beginning to believe in like spontanious extinguishing of ones life force. if i didn't have some sort of release, i think my mind would just give me a big fuck you and quit telling my heart to work and losen my digestive track so i would just collapse in a heap of smelly dead wank. i don't think anyone really wants that. i mean, someone would have to clean it up and that is just bad news all around.
but, life is good, because every time i get stoned, i get closer and closer to that ultimate state of enlightenment. the trick is finding people to listen to me who i feel comfortable around. this is very tough, because a lot of times i get stoned and i get myself into situations where i don't want to start talking because i have no clue what is going to come out, or whether it will be universally accepted. a lot of times i end up having to explain myself, and most people aren't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt long enough for me to do this. so i find myself biting my tongue, and stifling what could possibly be one of the most unique and amazing creative processes mankind has ever seen.
ok ok, i may be going a little overboard, but it illustrates an important point. i have trouble getting comfortable around people, even people i know. i have this need to fit in attached to me like some sort of permanent crutch nailed to my arm or something. drugs show me that i can get around this. i am slowly loosening the bonds that attach me to this crutch. i mean fuck me, when i got into college, i didn't say anything for about 4 months without going through that whole mental process inside about whether i should say it. you know what i'm talking about, when you sit there talking to yourself, "just say it man, come on, it will be funny. its perfect. if you say it now, it will be time perfect. i dunno though, what if it isn't funny. what if people look at me wierd. shit, the moment is passed. is it too late to say it?" you know, that whole drill. so i would sit there silent. i could get around this when i was drunk. it was great, it was beautiful. soon enough i realized i didn't need to do that. i could just say shit and bypass that whole thought process. sure i say some wierd stuff, but that adds to my charm. i can do that now, but i have reached another wall. i have trouble conveying my inner thoughts, not just reactionary thoughts to what other people are doing or saying, but like the internal stuff, the stuff that only really comes out on this webpage and now to a very select few people who i am comfortable around when i am really fucked up. but its possible, and i've started branching out on who i can just lay my thoughts on, and sooner or later after i get stoned enough, i will be able to just kind of spill things out no matter who is around or who might overhear. i can trace every social breakthrough i have made in the past three years back to one drug or another. you could definitely say that drugs have had fabulous influence on my development as a person. not to be trite or anything, but drugs really are the only thing that keep me sane.
now if only i could find a drug that helps me get to school on time :P
onto pertinent subjects, such as school. school.... school is so hated. i've missed like 2 quizzes already and there have only been 6 possible classes. i hate school. i going to keep going though, hopefully pass this class at least. that shouldn't be too exceedingly difficult. hopefully i can pull it off. i don't even really care about grades at all anymore. i just hate school. it is so fucking stupid. i mean, why in the hell should i be forced to go do a freaking 2.5 hour lab that introduces you to the microscope. i was like fuck this, no way i'm driving all the way over to freaking bellevue and back to sit there and look at freaking cloth through a damn microscope. i did that already in 4th grade. anyways, i skipped another class because i smoked to the point of retardation, like literally. i couldn't move. this is because i hate work more than i hate school. i come home, i need something, so i don't just die. i am beginning to believe in like spontanious extinguishing of ones life force. if i didn't have some sort of release, i think my mind would just give me a big fuck you and quit telling my heart to work and losen my digestive track so i would just collapse in a heap of smelly dead wank. i don't think anyone really wants that. i mean, someone would have to clean it up and that is just bad news all around.
but, life is good, because every time i get stoned, i get closer and closer to that ultimate state of enlightenment. the trick is finding people to listen to me who i feel comfortable around. this is very tough, because a lot of times i get stoned and i get myself into situations where i don't want to start talking because i have no clue what is going to come out, or whether it will be universally accepted. a lot of times i end up having to explain myself, and most people aren't willing to give me the benefit of the doubt long enough for me to do this. so i find myself biting my tongue, and stifling what could possibly be one of the most unique and amazing creative processes mankind has ever seen.
ok ok, i may be going a little overboard, but it illustrates an important point. i have trouble getting comfortable around people, even people i know. i have this need to fit in attached to me like some sort of permanent crutch nailed to my arm or something. drugs show me that i can get around this. i am slowly loosening the bonds that attach me to this crutch. i mean fuck me, when i got into college, i didn't say anything for about 4 months without going through that whole mental process inside about whether i should say it. you know what i'm talking about, when you sit there talking to yourself, "just say it man, come on, it will be funny. its perfect. if you say it now, it will be time perfect. i dunno though, what if it isn't funny. what if people look at me wierd. shit, the moment is passed. is it too late to say it?" you know, that whole drill. so i would sit there silent. i could get around this when i was drunk. it was great, it was beautiful. soon enough i realized i didn't need to do that. i could just say shit and bypass that whole thought process. sure i say some wierd stuff, but that adds to my charm. i can do that now, but i have reached another wall. i have trouble conveying my inner thoughts, not just reactionary thoughts to what other people are doing or saying, but like the internal stuff, the stuff that only really comes out on this webpage and now to a very select few people who i am comfortable around when i am really fucked up. but its possible, and i've started branching out on who i can just lay my thoughts on, and sooner or later after i get stoned enough, i will be able to just kind of spill things out no matter who is around or who might overhear. i can trace every social breakthrough i have made in the past three years back to one drug or another. you could definitely say that drugs have had fabulous influence on my development as a person. not to be trite or anything, but drugs really are the only thing that keep me sane.
now if only i could find a drug that helps me get to school on time :P
Saturday, October 05, 2002
writing can not do me justice right now. i'm serious, i am spewing forth the meaning of life. my thought process tonight should be written down and heralded by the scribes of yore. i am that damn good!!! you have no idea.
had a funny thought earlier today, we did. so, standing there at mcdonalds, to set the scene if you will.... there is this group of crazy yelling bitches in the corner, i'm guessing they were some sort of wierd sorority thing or something. but yea, some of them were kinda hot or some such, wasn't really the point. with all this talk about stealing people and such, wouldn't be the ultimate irony if we got stolen ourselves? like if some crazed cracked out hos just ran up and ganked me to fulfil their sexual needs. i mean sweet mother of crap that would be hilarious.
i can't transfer my thoughts down to this screen fast enough. this isn't going so well. my back hurts. i have to go elsewhere now, probably the safest thing to do right now. i mean crimeny!! what the hell is going on!!!!
peace out
-WAnk
had a funny thought earlier today, we did. so, standing there at mcdonalds, to set the scene if you will.... there is this group of crazy yelling bitches in the corner, i'm guessing they were some sort of wierd sorority thing or something. but yea, some of them were kinda hot or some such, wasn't really the point. with all this talk about stealing people and such, wouldn't be the ultimate irony if we got stolen ourselves? like if some crazed cracked out hos just ran up and ganked me to fulfil their sexual needs. i mean sweet mother of crap that would be hilarious.
i can't transfer my thoughts down to this screen fast enough. this isn't going so well. my back hurts. i have to go elsewhere now, probably the safest thing to do right now. i mean crimeny!! what the hell is going on!!!!
peace out
-WAnk
Thursday, October 03, 2002
omg hahahahaha, someone needs to show this to matt, air and kato.
http://www.threewisheslingerie.com/images/attheraces2-lb.jpg
we saw someone wearing this at the foam party :)
http://www.threewisheslingerie.com/images/attheraces2-lb.jpg
we saw someone wearing this at the foam party :)
