Sunday, September 29, 2002
FOAM PARTY. hell yeah.
my eyes freaking hurt. if you spend like 2 or 3 hours straight rubbing soap in your eyes, they will tend to do that. i bet i look like a junky, my eyes are all red and irritated. good times though. i just don't have the energy to blog about it now.
my eyes freaking hurt. if you spend like 2 or 3 hours straight rubbing soap in your eyes, they will tend to do that. i bet i look like a junky, my eyes are all red and irritated. good times though. i just don't have the energy to blog about it now.
i'm sitting here letting the music wash over me, trying to figure out whether last night actually happened. it seemed so surreal and yet so vivid at the same time. at times the experience threw reality into a shadow, and the very thought of going back to a normal life was surreal.
ok ok, so yeah. what the hell happened last night. good god. i can't even begin to describe it. fucking eh. i am closing in on 18 hours straight without sobriety. at this point, i just kind of want it to end, but alas that would be contradictory. one thing i do regret is not eating dinner. i think life would be much easier right now if i had, and i wouldn't be sitting here wondering what the hell is going on because i am high of my fucking ass. all i want to do now is go to sleep, but that is not working. i keep getting up, wandering around, going back to bed, trying to figure it out. finally, i just gave up, and here i am. hopefully eventually i can manage to find my way to bed into the sweet confines of sleepocity. but fate has decided, it seems. i am not meant to sleep. i am meant to sit and write and generally think back and realize i have no idea what has happened in the last 18 hours or so. it is all a blur that i am sure will come screeching back tomorrow, but right now i'm just having trouble thinking period. i need something to do. i'm up, and music isn't cutting it. i guess i can watch tv, but that doesn't seem right for some reason. i wish i could just go to fucking sleep
next time, i eat. eating is good. eating attempts to normalize your system no matter what chemicals you have shoved into it.
ok ok, so yeah. what the hell happened last night. good god. i can't even begin to describe it. fucking eh. i am closing in on 18 hours straight without sobriety. at this point, i just kind of want it to end, but alas that would be contradictory. one thing i do regret is not eating dinner. i think life would be much easier right now if i had, and i wouldn't be sitting here wondering what the hell is going on because i am high of my fucking ass. all i want to do now is go to sleep, but that is not working. i keep getting up, wandering around, going back to bed, trying to figure it out. finally, i just gave up, and here i am. hopefully eventually i can manage to find my way to bed into the sweet confines of sleepocity. but fate has decided, it seems. i am not meant to sleep. i am meant to sit and write and generally think back and realize i have no idea what has happened in the last 18 hours or so. it is all a blur that i am sure will come screeching back tomorrow, but right now i'm just having trouble thinking period. i need something to do. i'm up, and music isn't cutting it. i guess i can watch tv, but that doesn't seem right for some reason. i wish i could just go to fucking sleep
next time, i eat. eating is good. eating attempts to normalize your system no matter what chemicals you have shoved into it.
Friday, September 27, 2002
blog blog blog
it is friday. this week has been really wierd. it has seemed strange and drawn out because of school and such. i did my first work in the greenhouse yesterday for my botany class. it seemed so childish and useless. i mean, i planted freaking beans in a little pot to see if i could make them grow. everyone was doing this. i remember doing this in elementary school. good god, what a pointless lab, and i have to extend it throughout the quarter so i can have enough journal entries to turn in a good notebook. blarg, at least it is just plants and stuff, and i'm pretty good with plants now.
i can't believe the summer is freaking over. it is almost october. it seems like it should be august at the latest. time really flies these days. it is kind of wacky like that. it just really sucks that summer is over, because no we are moving into like crappy rainy working outside shit. it may have been hot this summer, but i could deal. working in the rain just kind of sucks. what is really wierd is that ryan is like, back in school and stuff. what the hell!!! he can't be moving back to bellingham yet, summer just started. oh wait, fucked.
things just seem so out of whack these days, and i can't really explain it. its like everything is on this slightly altered plane of existance. i'm living my life based on this whole ideal of myself and the world around me, but it doesn't actually exist. so every once in a while i have to do something, or something happens in real life, and i come crashing back to reality and realize i am actually like this and my life is like this and the world around me is really like this. but in my altered reality, everything seems so realistic and feasible. i've always had trouble discerning between dreams and reality, i think this ties in with this. my subconcious is very overactive. at times i slip into my own world and have kind of awake standing up dream things that are kind of mirroring what is going on in real life, and i have a really hard time telling which is which. it gets really bad sometimes at night, because i will have these dreams that are ultrarealistic and have them several nights in a row, but its like after i wake up for some reason in the middle of the night and start to fall back asleep. it kind of picks up from there, and i start my day and it goes through this whole scenario where things that feasibly could happen start happening, and then finally my alarm goes off and i have these 9 minute spurts that continue my dream as i hit my snooze, then i go through my day and forget about it until the next morning when it all happens again. after a 2 or 3 days, i have trouble remembering which scenario actually happened, the one that was really happening in my life, or this on going thing that my subconscious has been carrying out. even when it isn't at night, like when i fall asleep at work or at school or something, i pretty much always have dreams that tie in with what is going on, and they pretty much always tie in with some sort of daydream i was just having. like, i'll have a conversation with someone, but not, that kind of thing. it really detaches me a lot of times. i mean, my overactive imagination and just daydreaming in general screws me up enough, but when i start nodding off and mentally can't discern the difference between what really happened and what my subconcious just convinced me happened i really start to question what i really know about myself or my life. how much of it was just a dream? i have memories of both reality and my subconcious. i like to think i do an ok job of keeping the two seperate considering, but there have been several discrepancies in the past. how much do i really know about myself?
sometimes these things worry me, but without fail, my subconcious comes up with much more interesting scenarios. sometimes i get mad, but then i realize how much happier i am thinking that the fake things are real. i think this is why drugs are so appealing, because it taps into an already overactive subconcious and brings these fake realities to the forefront.
i don't understand how people can go through life without ever drinking or trying any sort of drug. every drug i have done has given me a new thought process so to speak. they haven't all been as monumental as say, mushrooms, which has changed my whole mental process hugely, and for the better i think. but still, i can see bits and peices of the drugs that i have done coming through in the way i think. i think it is great, i mean, i am much more interesting to myself than i was before when i was straight edged and sober. people claim to be abstaining from drugs and alcohol to keep their mind in pristine condition. i think sober brains are entirely underdeveloped. i think drugs have given me a different way of looking at things that have been beneficial to my overall sanity. anyways, it just baffles me sometimes.
i'm going to leave now. nothing really doing now, so might as well just go home and take a nap. new schedules require adjustment :p
it is friday. this week has been really wierd. it has seemed strange and drawn out because of school and such. i did my first work in the greenhouse yesterday for my botany class. it seemed so childish and useless. i mean, i planted freaking beans in a little pot to see if i could make them grow. everyone was doing this. i remember doing this in elementary school. good god, what a pointless lab, and i have to extend it throughout the quarter so i can have enough journal entries to turn in a good notebook. blarg, at least it is just plants and stuff, and i'm pretty good with plants now.
i can't believe the summer is freaking over. it is almost october. it seems like it should be august at the latest. time really flies these days. it is kind of wacky like that. it just really sucks that summer is over, because no we are moving into like crappy rainy working outside shit. it may have been hot this summer, but i could deal. working in the rain just kind of sucks. what is really wierd is that ryan is like, back in school and stuff. what the hell!!! he can't be moving back to bellingham yet, summer just started. oh wait, fucked.
things just seem so out of whack these days, and i can't really explain it. its like everything is on this slightly altered plane of existance. i'm living my life based on this whole ideal of myself and the world around me, but it doesn't actually exist. so every once in a while i have to do something, or something happens in real life, and i come crashing back to reality and realize i am actually like this and my life is like this and the world around me is really like this. but in my altered reality, everything seems so realistic and feasible. i've always had trouble discerning between dreams and reality, i think this ties in with this. my subconcious is very overactive. at times i slip into my own world and have kind of awake standing up dream things that are kind of mirroring what is going on in real life, and i have a really hard time telling which is which. it gets really bad sometimes at night, because i will have these dreams that are ultrarealistic and have them several nights in a row, but its like after i wake up for some reason in the middle of the night and start to fall back asleep. it kind of picks up from there, and i start my day and it goes through this whole scenario where things that feasibly could happen start happening, and then finally my alarm goes off and i have these 9 minute spurts that continue my dream as i hit my snooze, then i go through my day and forget about it until the next morning when it all happens again. after a 2 or 3 days, i have trouble remembering which scenario actually happened, the one that was really happening in my life, or this on going thing that my subconscious has been carrying out. even when it isn't at night, like when i fall asleep at work or at school or something, i pretty much always have dreams that tie in with what is going on, and they pretty much always tie in with some sort of daydream i was just having. like, i'll have a conversation with someone, but not, that kind of thing. it really detaches me a lot of times. i mean, my overactive imagination and just daydreaming in general screws me up enough, but when i start nodding off and mentally can't discern the difference between what really happened and what my subconcious just convinced me happened i really start to question what i really know about myself or my life. how much of it was just a dream? i have memories of both reality and my subconcious. i like to think i do an ok job of keeping the two seperate considering, but there have been several discrepancies in the past. how much do i really know about myself?
sometimes these things worry me, but without fail, my subconcious comes up with much more interesting scenarios. sometimes i get mad, but then i realize how much happier i am thinking that the fake things are real. i think this is why drugs are so appealing, because it taps into an already overactive subconcious and brings these fake realities to the forefront.
i don't understand how people can go through life without ever drinking or trying any sort of drug. every drug i have done has given me a new thought process so to speak. they haven't all been as monumental as say, mushrooms, which has changed my whole mental process hugely, and for the better i think. but still, i can see bits and peices of the drugs that i have done coming through in the way i think. i think it is great, i mean, i am much more interesting to myself than i was before when i was straight edged and sober. people claim to be abstaining from drugs and alcohol to keep their mind in pristine condition. i think sober brains are entirely underdeveloped. i think drugs have given me a different way of looking at things that have been beneficial to my overall sanity. anyways, it just baffles me sometimes.
i'm going to leave now. nothing really doing now, so might as well just go home and take a nap. new schedules require adjustment :p
ok, so, this is very difficult. like, there are people talking on irc and i'm not sure how to talk to them and blog at the same time. its like, two conversations, and one with myself puts it over the top. i mean, my mind is about to explode. its been doing that lately. i dunno.
there is something about smoking alone that gets you real stoned. its like, usually you have to pass it, so smoking another bowl is just like a few hits. but when you are alone, all the hits are yours, and they are so consecutive, its like bam bam bam bam. STONEEED. holy shnikes
so, i've been having these revelation things. like just now, i was talking to jing about ferry corsten, and i had this idea that handing aol disk with porn on them at the post office would rock. it would be like free porn. not only that, but free post office porn, i mean good god!!!! do you see where i'm going with this? pretty soon everyone would be having porn, and like, the post office dudes would get bored of the stupid post office porn, so we could sell the bank porn to the post office and stuff!!! damn, i want to like, own my own video store. that has to be the greatest thing ever. just chill watching movies all day. i mean hot damn, if you owned it, you could do whatever the hell you want and be like damn i'm doing what i want!!!! i mean that has to be the life. you wouldn't answer to anyone and you wouldn't have to work, you could just like, chill and do stuff. it would be good. i want to quit school and work and do it. that would be awesome, like super pimpin.
i was also driving around in some school related dealy, and i realized that idiocy is a genetic defect that like, everyone has. and i was like shit, how can it be a defect if everyone has it!!!! and it didn't make sense. and then i was like oh yeah!! i'm not a freaking moron. so it wasn't me. like some other idiot did it. i dunno, but it wasn't me.
anyways, i still don't like school much. i mean damn, it just screws up everything having to go to school. especially when you have to work too. its like jesus why do i have to do all this shit!!!! i don't want to do this. but i have to, because it sucks!!! i mean, like terrence and phillip would never put up with this shit. thats why that is the greatest movie ever. its like fuck this!!!! i'm going to do whatever i damn well please donkey dongling DONG DONGLER. and its like yeah, you got owned by some lemur with a dildo attached to it in some tree that saddam hussein is chillin in. and you are just like WHAT THE FUCK because how does anyone think up this shit!!! but it is so great because it taps into that inner perversion that people all bottle up and try to not do because its not pc to like, hump goats for the entertainment of others. i mean, yeah, it would suck but you get paid and stuff, so why not? some gomer will watch it and give you money. someones always got money for something. its like, online you get all these porn ads and you are like why the fuck am i getting all this!!! and you realize that some fucker out there is paying for barnyard incest digest and you are just like what the hell!!! and what the hell is a dog fart slut and why are there sites devoted to them!!! i mean how the hell do you even become a dog fart slut! it just doesn't make any sense. NO SENSE.
speaking of sluts though, there is this great thing. you see, we saw these two hot girls at blockbuster. and they wree all looking at us and stuff. and i was just like DAMMIT STOP. you can't do that too me, too hot!!! and i was like dammit, we should steal them and say we are assigned to them as their freshman corruption officer and be like yeah this is college, lets do some drugs then we can have sex. oh yeah, more sex yeah yeah. cause then it would be good because sluts are generally good. and they were like looking at me, and everytime i looked over stupid sluts eying me and i don't kno why! and then it was like your mom is there!!!! WHAT THE HELL. and its like, 2 chicks getting a blockbuster membership but their mom is there!!! how can we be proper freshman corruption officers with the freaking parents right there.!! i mean shit! its like stupid parents take a hike i need to start giving your daughter her education and stuff. and then they come back and i'm like dude what the hell!!! you don't have a daughter anymore she's mine. go find someone else to bug i've got some boobs here to deal with. and then they keep yelling and stuff, and you slap them like they were brooke shields or something. i mean seriously, it would probably go pretty much like that. damn parents!!! making things so complicated. just back off and let me gank your daughter!
its wierd though, because all sluts have parents somewhere, and thats just wierd to think about. sluts don't even really have thoughts and stuff. they aren't even real people. they don't have houses and shit, just somewhere to take dudes for sex and stuff. i kno it, thats what makes them slluts!! good god, thats just the way it works.
well i think its time for me to go. i'm not really sure where i am right now, peace out on the 99. if my motha answers the phone she'll give you my cousins beeper number. i love that shit.
there is something about smoking alone that gets you real stoned. its like, usually you have to pass it, so smoking another bowl is just like a few hits. but when you are alone, all the hits are yours, and they are so consecutive, its like bam bam bam bam. STONEEED. holy shnikes
so, i've been having these revelation things. like just now, i was talking to jing about ferry corsten, and i had this idea that handing aol disk with porn on them at the post office would rock. it would be like free porn. not only that, but free post office porn, i mean good god!!!! do you see where i'm going with this? pretty soon everyone would be having porn, and like, the post office dudes would get bored of the stupid post office porn, so we could sell the bank porn to the post office and stuff!!! damn, i want to like, own my own video store. that has to be the greatest thing ever. just chill watching movies all day. i mean hot damn, if you owned it, you could do whatever the hell you want and be like damn i'm doing what i want!!!! i mean that has to be the life. you wouldn't answer to anyone and you wouldn't have to work, you could just like, chill and do stuff. it would be good. i want to quit school and work and do it. that would be awesome, like super pimpin.
i was also driving around in some school related dealy, and i realized that idiocy is a genetic defect that like, everyone has. and i was like shit, how can it be a defect if everyone has it!!!! and it didn't make sense. and then i was like oh yeah!! i'm not a freaking moron. so it wasn't me. like some other idiot did it. i dunno, but it wasn't me.
anyways, i still don't like school much. i mean damn, it just screws up everything having to go to school. especially when you have to work too. its like jesus why do i have to do all this shit!!!! i don't want to do this. but i have to, because it sucks!!! i mean, like terrence and phillip would never put up with this shit. thats why that is the greatest movie ever. its like fuck this!!!! i'm going to do whatever i damn well please donkey dongling DONG DONGLER. and its like yeah, you got owned by some lemur with a dildo attached to it in some tree that saddam hussein is chillin in. and you are just like WHAT THE FUCK because how does anyone think up this shit!!! but it is so great because it taps into that inner perversion that people all bottle up and try to not do because its not pc to like, hump goats for the entertainment of others. i mean, yeah, it would suck but you get paid and stuff, so why not? some gomer will watch it and give you money. someones always got money for something. its like, online you get all these porn ads and you are like why the fuck am i getting all this!!! and you realize that some fucker out there is paying for barnyard incest digest and you are just like what the hell!!! and what the hell is a dog fart slut and why are there sites devoted to them!!! i mean how the hell do you even become a dog fart slut! it just doesn't make any sense. NO SENSE.
speaking of sluts though, there is this great thing. you see, we saw these two hot girls at blockbuster. and they wree all looking at us and stuff. and i was just like DAMMIT STOP. you can't do that too me, too hot!!! and i was like dammit, we should steal them and say we are assigned to them as their freshman corruption officer and be like yeah this is college, lets do some drugs then we can have sex. oh yeah, more sex yeah yeah. cause then it would be good because sluts are generally good. and they were like looking at me, and everytime i looked over stupid sluts eying me and i don't kno why! and then it was like your mom is there!!!! WHAT THE HELL. and its like, 2 chicks getting a blockbuster membership but their mom is there!!! how can we be proper freshman corruption officers with the freaking parents right there.!! i mean shit! its like stupid parents take a hike i need to start giving your daughter her education and stuff. and then they come back and i'm like dude what the hell!!! you don't have a daughter anymore she's mine. go find someone else to bug i've got some boobs here to deal with. and then they keep yelling and stuff, and you slap them like they were brooke shields or something. i mean seriously, it would probably go pretty much like that. damn parents!!! making things so complicated. just back off and let me gank your daughter!
its wierd though, because all sluts have parents somewhere, and thats just wierd to think about. sluts don't even really have thoughts and stuff. they aren't even real people. they don't have houses and shit, just somewhere to take dudes for sex and stuff. i kno it, thats what makes them slluts!! good god, thats just the way it works.
well i think its time for me to go. i'm not really sure where i am right now, peace out on the 99. if my motha answers the phone she'll give you my cousins beeper number. i love that shit.
Wednesday, September 25, 2002
Tuesday, September 24, 2002
school, meh.
school had an odd feeling yesterday. i was treating it as something entirely unimportant. it was kind of like going to work on days that i really have nothing to do, something i just kind of do out of habit and necessity. hopefully i can keep this up, it worked pretty well. it was just strange to see the contrast between my attitude today, my attitude in the past, and everyone elses attitude around me. it was fall quarter, so for a bunch of people, this was their first day. you could spot these people pretty easily, wandering around, shaking in nervous anticipation, looking around with frantic looks on their faces with parents close behind trying to give suggestions and calm their children down. i remember how much that sucked. usually on first days in the past, i have been nervous like this. but yesterday i wasn't. it was just kind of like, oh well, i'm at school. there really wasn't much i could do about it, so i adopted my indifferent attitude and did what i had too.
it made me realize how much ahead i am of pretty much everyone else there. it is giving me kind of a sense of confidence that i never really applied to school. for the most part, i'm more experienced both in life and in school and intelligent in the book sense and in common sense. i am better than pretty much everyone there in one way or another. i look older, feel older, act older, and am older than most of the people there. i don't care about all the social bullshit that is going on, and there is no way i can get sucked into it. before when i've gone, i looked like a young college student, so all the jerkoffs treated me accordingly. now the jerkoffs avoid me because they know i own them anyways. it is strange
in other news, a few minutes ago i super glued my hand to my shoe. it kind of brings everything into perspective....
school had an odd feeling yesterday. i was treating it as something entirely unimportant. it was kind of like going to work on days that i really have nothing to do, something i just kind of do out of habit and necessity. hopefully i can keep this up, it worked pretty well. it was just strange to see the contrast between my attitude today, my attitude in the past, and everyone elses attitude around me. it was fall quarter, so for a bunch of people, this was their first day. you could spot these people pretty easily, wandering around, shaking in nervous anticipation, looking around with frantic looks on their faces with parents close behind trying to give suggestions and calm their children down. i remember how much that sucked. usually on first days in the past, i have been nervous like this. but yesterday i wasn't. it was just kind of like, oh well, i'm at school. there really wasn't much i could do about it, so i adopted my indifferent attitude and did what i had too.
it made me realize how much ahead i am of pretty much everyone else there. it is giving me kind of a sense of confidence that i never really applied to school. for the most part, i'm more experienced both in life and in school and intelligent in the book sense and in common sense. i am better than pretty much everyone there in one way or another. i look older, feel older, act older, and am older than most of the people there. i don't care about all the social bullshit that is going on, and there is no way i can get sucked into it. before when i've gone, i looked like a young college student, so all the jerkoffs treated me accordingly. now the jerkoffs avoid me because they know i own them anyways. it is strange
in other news, a few minutes ago i super glued my hand to my shoe. it kind of brings everything into perspective....
Monday, September 23, 2002
oh god oh god, i've got the train rolling!!!!
so, the whole idea of companionship is just foreign to me. physical pleasure seems like a much more obtainable goal. i don't want to have to put up with another person's wants and need, i have enough trouble catering too my own. my emotions are more than enough for me to deal with already, so why in the world would i want to add someone elses!!!! it just does not make any sense whatsoever. why would i even consider it!!!! oh yes, the possibility of satiating my raw, physical animal need. there are things i can't take care of myself. so which shouting voice do i supress, the need for sex, or the need for mental stability. satisfy the body or the mind. it is a damned if i do damned if i don't kind of situation. either path eventually ends in insanity. the least of about 10 evils.
thus, the need for some sort of stimulus. not a tease. stripbars would be great if your 20 dollars got you a night of raw unbridled passion. it gets you about 3 minutes that leave you panting for more. i can't handle them. i always thing it would be such a great idea, but it is really not worth it, it just heightens the pain. obviously some sort of human interaction would be the best solution. yet, you still have to deal with another human. for those 3 minutes at the stripbar, that person is not human. they are something else entirely. if you had to spend a whole night with this person, they would slowly become more and more of a person, and that my friend would be a crime against everything mentally worthwhile. that is the great thing. for those 3 minutes, it was perfection. perfection that is not physically possible, but for 3 minutes it exists in your mind. thus the need for some sort of ultra life like sex robots. something without the human element to ruin the illusion. i always thought the prospect of stealing a person and having them become this perfect reality for one reason or another was the way to go, but every time i think about it, it becomes more and more infeasible in my head. i have moved on to the sexual robot slaves. they would be perfect. you could not tell that they weren't human, yet you directed their very thoughts. thus you could hold the illusion firm in your mind, and have them reciprocate it for as long as your mind can handle, since as a robot their mind was your mind. there would be no guilt over doing something taboo with another human, for you are the only human involved. these robots would allow us to live every one of our fantasies in reality.
this seems like an ideal situation for me. someday this will be a reality. i have this sinking feeling that i will not be around to appreciate it. this saddens me, for i don't think anyone will ever come to be able to appreciate it as much as i could. i think i have a deeper understanding of the sheer greatness that they will be living in.
i feel bad for soiling this blog with other thoughts, but if i don't i will forget. tomorrow i will explain the golden age of movies we are entering, as thought up and reasoned out by one very high human being. like the above, it was an idea birthed and breastfed to life in the mind of a genius. glorious
so, the whole idea of companionship is just foreign to me. physical pleasure seems like a much more obtainable goal. i don't want to have to put up with another person's wants and need, i have enough trouble catering too my own. my emotions are more than enough for me to deal with already, so why in the world would i want to add someone elses!!!! it just does not make any sense whatsoever. why would i even consider it!!!! oh yes, the possibility of satiating my raw, physical animal need. there are things i can't take care of myself. so which shouting voice do i supress, the need for sex, or the need for mental stability. satisfy the body or the mind. it is a damned if i do damned if i don't kind of situation. either path eventually ends in insanity. the least of about 10 evils.
thus, the need for some sort of stimulus. not a tease. stripbars would be great if your 20 dollars got you a night of raw unbridled passion. it gets you about 3 minutes that leave you panting for more. i can't handle them. i always thing it would be such a great idea, but it is really not worth it, it just heightens the pain. obviously some sort of human interaction would be the best solution. yet, you still have to deal with another human. for those 3 minutes at the stripbar, that person is not human. they are something else entirely. if you had to spend a whole night with this person, they would slowly become more and more of a person, and that my friend would be a crime against everything mentally worthwhile. that is the great thing. for those 3 minutes, it was perfection. perfection that is not physically possible, but for 3 minutes it exists in your mind. thus the need for some sort of ultra life like sex robots. something without the human element to ruin the illusion. i always thought the prospect of stealing a person and having them become this perfect reality for one reason or another was the way to go, but every time i think about it, it becomes more and more infeasible in my head. i have moved on to the sexual robot slaves. they would be perfect. you could not tell that they weren't human, yet you directed their very thoughts. thus you could hold the illusion firm in your mind, and have them reciprocate it for as long as your mind can handle, since as a robot their mind was your mind. there would be no guilt over doing something taboo with another human, for you are the only human involved. these robots would allow us to live every one of our fantasies in reality.
this seems like an ideal situation for me. someday this will be a reality. i have this sinking feeling that i will not be around to appreciate it. this saddens me, for i don't think anyone will ever come to be able to appreciate it as much as i could. i think i have a deeper understanding of the sheer greatness that they will be living in.
i feel bad for soiling this blog with other thoughts, but if i don't i will forget. tomorrow i will explain the golden age of movies we are entering, as thought up and reasoned out by one very high human being. like the above, it was an idea birthed and breastfed to life in the mind of a genius. glorious
Tuesday, September 17, 2002
today was one of the stupidest days in history. this week is proving to be one of the stupidest weeks in history, i knew this at about 10 am yesterday.
i don't want to do anything for the next month or so, that would be seriously awesome. i wish i wish i wish.
life has this wierd repetative quality. its like, we are robots programmed to do a set sequence of things over and over again. every once in a while we have to do something else and it throws us all out of whack. but i look towards the future, and my possibilities are what.... find a job, find a career, find a wife, have a family. you can't function in society with out money. this amount of money goes up all the time. it is a fucking rediculous amount. to have money, you need a job, and to have stability and to keep this amount of money you need a career. which means you need to do the same thing every day for some odd freaking huge number of years. why does this seem attractive to people? why do people strive for a career? to me a career seems like a step backwards. you are forced to do something you probably hate for the rest of your life. granted some people like their jobs, but i'm willing to be the majority of people either hate them, or don't care, and indifference usually leads to annoyance which leads to hatred on large enough timeline.
wife and family, meh, necessary. the whole need to pass on your genes thing. the whole need companionship thing. eventually it will get to the point where all my friends have wives and families of their own, because thats just what happens. the role of a girlfriend so to speak can be filled by friends to some degree, someone to hang out and talk with. but when everyone grows up, i'll have nothing. maybe meeting someone for a drink every once in a while. i'll be forced to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, because i will be too grown up to have friends and hang out, and therefore won't have any sort of social outlet besides my wife and children. this is kind of a humbling concept, forced into solitude. it is bound to happen, as cool as i think i am.
why do i think about my future. after the age of about 19, the future tends to be fairly depressing to think about ;)
i don't want to do anything for the next month or so, that would be seriously awesome. i wish i wish i wish.
life has this wierd repetative quality. its like, we are robots programmed to do a set sequence of things over and over again. every once in a while we have to do something else and it throws us all out of whack. but i look towards the future, and my possibilities are what.... find a job, find a career, find a wife, have a family. you can't function in society with out money. this amount of money goes up all the time. it is a fucking rediculous amount. to have money, you need a job, and to have stability and to keep this amount of money you need a career. which means you need to do the same thing every day for some odd freaking huge number of years. why does this seem attractive to people? why do people strive for a career? to me a career seems like a step backwards. you are forced to do something you probably hate for the rest of your life. granted some people like their jobs, but i'm willing to be the majority of people either hate them, or don't care, and indifference usually leads to annoyance which leads to hatred on large enough timeline.
wife and family, meh, necessary. the whole need to pass on your genes thing. the whole need companionship thing. eventually it will get to the point where all my friends have wives and families of their own, because thats just what happens. the role of a girlfriend so to speak can be filled by friends to some degree, someone to hang out and talk with. but when everyone grows up, i'll have nothing. maybe meeting someone for a drink every once in a while. i'll be forced to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, because i will be too grown up to have friends and hang out, and therefore won't have any sort of social outlet besides my wife and children. this is kind of a humbling concept, forced into solitude. it is bound to happen, as cool as i think i am.
why do i think about my future. after the age of about 19, the future tends to be fairly depressing to think about ;)
Monday, September 16, 2002
Shwaaaaaa
so yes, wankdigglty, workblog for the first work since blog. its been months since i've blogged at work. tis a strange feeling, sitting down in my office again, pondering the universe and my place in it.
school starts really soon, like next wednesday. that is kind of sweet. i'm really looking forward to this whole part time work thing. i mean, you know how short my attention span is. i can't even keep hold of a thought long enough to finish a conversation without staring at the wall and getting distracted by something. and now i've been working full time for what, 8 months straight or something? before that it was like 35 hours a week? man o man, that is hardcore. how did i pull it off? its so funny how i have flip flopped back and forth from the whole "i hate work so much it makes me want to crap myself" thing to the whole "i tolerate work because the alternatives make me want to crap myself" thing. i go through such violent swings when it comes to work. there is very little in between time. it is always kind of a zen like moment, where i am just like, why do i hate work? then i'm all cool with it. then things just kind of build and build until one thing puts me over and i get really pissed and wonder how i could ever speak any kind words towards my job. it is really kind of funny when you think about it.
but jeez, work is funny right now. ryan is gone, this leaves us with 5 people. one of my coworkers is on a 3 week vacation, which leaves us at 4. one of my coworkers gave her 2 weeks a week ago which will leave us briefly at 3. i go part time, we are at 2.5. coworker gets back, 3.5. other coworker goes part time, 3.25. we have three and a quarter employees. when i was hired, i think me and ryan were the 16th and 17th employees on staff. i thought at one point we got to 20, but me and ryan can only remember about 18. so, we've gone from 17 or 18 to 3.25 since i have been here. holy shnikes.... at least now that i'm part time, they've kind of cut back on my duties. this is a very nice thing, because i was stressing a little about them. this was a silly thing to worry about, but i was. ahh well.
this weekend was kind of funny. it was extreeeeeemely freaking short, but funny nonetheless. friday, we went over to the dudes house, hoping to hang out and drink large quantities of beer. so we get there and proceed to do so. i have fun on the trampampoline, managing to almost land a flip, but hitting my legs hard enough to bounce backwards and land on my head. my neck still kind of hurts, but it probably looked pretty funny. eventually we head out to this party we were going to go too. its 11 blocks away, like right near our old house. pretty much everyone drives. i think this is funny. we made that walk a ton of times. it is really easy. you can do it in any state, sober, drunk, stoned, or otherwise. its actually kind of a refreshing walk. so, most of our friends drive over. we walk and stop by the SP mart for some cigarettes. we get to the party, me and matt are sitting on the porch waiting for ryan to finish his cigarette. we've been there around 45 seconds before arija comes out and yells at us for smoking. we were just like, that was fucking retarded. we kind of look at eachother, the other people on the porch are just kind of like WHAT THE FUCK! we are just like WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. then we kind of looked at eachother and said fuck this and walked back to air and travs house, grabbed our beer, and went home. it was pretty funny. its kind of too bad, because apparently it was a typical band party. like apparently people were actually talking to people and such. normally, i hate UW band parties. if you are not in band, you will be ignored and looked down on. the band thinks they are these all knowning gods of fun and partying. they are no party slouches, i'll give them that, but most people at UW think they are absolute fuck heads because they throw cheesy parties that they try to make exclusive. its like, why bother throwing a party if you aren't going to socialize. i see parties as a way of rolling out with a group of friends to hang out with other people. if you are just hanging out with the group of friends you always hang out with, its not a party, even if you have a keg. but yeah, apparently it wasn't like that. i'll never know, will i :D
saturday was better. saturday was approaching classic level buffoonery. for how much we have calmed down in the past year or so, saturday was awesome. the great thing is, we weren't even very drunk, we were just kind of having fun. at one point we sent air and trav out to get sluts. they come back with some girl who trav works with. she was cute, but she wouldn't shut up about the stupid shit she does. none of us cared, she was trying to impress us but i don't think any of us were. we all put up with it as long as we could because she was fairly attractive, but shit she was annoying. eventually most of us tuned her out and went on our merry ways. we head out to safeway, in classic buffooned journey style. the walk there wasn't so eventful. it was fun, but nothing really happened that was even worth mentioning. hell, even in safeway nothing happened. but, as we came out, we saw manuel giving whoshername a ride on his motorcycle. we cheered and laughed at her. then this car, some little wannabe sporty thing like a ford probe squeeled out of the driveway in front of us and started yelling out the windows. they had a dozen longstemmed red roses on the roof of their car which promptly fell off. so, we were yelling at them and chasing them because they dropped their flowers. they took it as an opportunity to be badass, and sped off. so we were just like, ok, and jacked the roses. during this whole saga, we had also managed to snag a shopping cart. air got in the shopping cart and stayed in it until we got home. i think he made one pit stop at a bush, but yeah. there is a great picture of him and matt posing in front of the cart with a rose. it was an eventful journey. we got home, and i proceeded directly to the girl, and presented her with the 11 long stem roses (air had already eaten the other one). i spouted some cheesy line like "i got these 11 roses for you in memory of the 11 glorious minutes we have known each other." she got all "awwwwwwww" and "that is so sweet!!!!" on me. it was all i could do to keep from laughing. i don't think manuel and trav were toooo terribly pleased with me, but it had to be done. later, without knowing i had already given them too her, matt told her that we got her some roses at safeway. i hadn't even told him i was going to give them too her. apparently she was like "awwwwwWWWW" and hugged him or something, at which point we both start laughing. eventually the party kind of winds down in front of a movie and we stroll home, but good god, it was hilarious.
so, you say, where does all this new found belligerence towards women come from? i'm not really sure, but i think it is pretty funny. if nothing more, it is appropriate. if you look and really watch the interaction between women and anyone else, it is absolutely rediculous. women have a strangle hold on mens nuts, and they know it. the use this stranglehold for evil, not for good. it has turned them into petty, needy creatures who aren't afraid to use idle threats and fake emotions to get their victim of the moment to do their evil bidding. this may be fairly melodramatic, but it doesn't hit too far from the truth. it is extremely entertaining to watch from the sidelines. i think deep down, every woman wishes she was trapped in some sort of soap opera, sleeping with two twin brothers and a female siamese cat who has had a sex change and loads of plasic surgery so it now looks like a third brother against her knowledge. the really funny part is how we guys are sucked into it. once we see a girl, any bad trait slips away, and we dive blindly in with basically one thing on our mind: get some sex. men have very one track minds. pretty much everything in our lives revolves around sex or food. if we could be eating while having sex, we would never leave the bedroom. women make this whole big deal about relationships, and fate, and being in love, and analyzing everything, while men are just in it and putting up with it to some level because you need a girl to have sex with. if you don't have a girl, sex gets complicated. guys don't really understand the whole relationship game, and for good reason, so we stumble around trying to please our significant other so they won't leave us, and we won't be left without sex. i mean really, you can boil down the mans interest in the relationship down to that one thing, sex. men fall in love just about every day. eventually some woman falls in love back and is willing to quit bitching about a lot of things long enough for the guy to commit, so they get married.
jeez, i'm sounding belligerent, this is great :D the funny thing is, i don't even have relationships or girlfriends. i haven't REALLY been hurt to the point of emotional scarring. i am just sick and tired of seeing my friends get jerked around by women. women are great! women are probably some of the coolest people in the world, until they are in a relationship. like, in high school. i watched this one girl one by one singlehandedly destroy the hearts of pretty much all my friends. she started in 9th grade, and kept rolling through on this path of destruction. it is a painful thing to watch, especially when you know what is going to happen in the end. sure it was a good ride while it lasted, but was it really worth the suffering in the end? it probably was, its just painful from the friends perspective to watch people go through it. when she ended up in these relationships, just kind strung these guys along until she got bored and then just dropped them.
its like, when you are a guy, and you are in a relationship, you can't win on a personal level. you end up winning in the end on a purely sexual level, which is a great victory for any man. but in terms of anything else, nothing you can do will be good enough. if you turn yourself into a slave, the girl complains about walking all over you. if you don't do something exactly how the girl wants it, on the otherhand, she will get pissed at you and start yelling about how you don't appreciate her or respect her. its a no win situation, and if you try to argue your case, you dig yourself deeper. basically, daytime in a relationship is spent tiptoeing around, trying to avoid conflict so you can slip peacefully in bed at night.
the really funny thing is, it ends up being all worthwhile in the end, because sex pretty much rules, and somehow we form this bond with people we are having sex with, which turns into companionship. and most importantly, once you have sex, you reallly realllllly don't want to lose it, because the prospect of no sex is very painful.
i really respect guys who have the willpower to turn down sex. not just turn down sex to begin with, but like have a 1 night stand and not call back. or be in a relationship, and straight up say "i don't think this is going to work out" because they don't want to put up with the shit and leave. not asshole guys who take advantage of drunk women, but guys who like and enjoy women, but aren't afraid to put one in her place. every once in a while, you will see one of these guys on blind date or fifth wheel, or elimidate, or one of those great dating shows. you end up just cheering for him, because he is a beacon of hope for men everywhere. it shows that we can have the upperhand, even if it is just for a moment.
there was this one blind date that makes me grin in pride every time i think of it. there was this fake little starlet who couldn't stop talking about how cute she was and all the things she does. the guy obviously didn't care, because she was full of shit. she was a "professional skateboarder" but then she tried to do some tricks, and she was terrible. like, she could barely stand on the thing. basically, she was the booth babe hotty they take around to competitions with the skate comapany's logo plastered on her breasts and ass. so eventually they are driving around, and he's asking about her being a skateboarder, because obviously sucks, and eventually she was talking about her sponsorship and how great she was, and the guy was like wow, you are famous. and she was like yeah, pretty much. and so he stops the car at an intersection, and was yelling famous person, right here, look we have a famous person, and was pointing at her. it was so glorious, it was hilarious.... Ben from california, we salute you.
so yes, wankdigglty, workblog for the first work since blog. its been months since i've blogged at work. tis a strange feeling, sitting down in my office again, pondering the universe and my place in it.
school starts really soon, like next wednesday. that is kind of sweet. i'm really looking forward to this whole part time work thing. i mean, you know how short my attention span is. i can't even keep hold of a thought long enough to finish a conversation without staring at the wall and getting distracted by something. and now i've been working full time for what, 8 months straight or something? before that it was like 35 hours a week? man o man, that is hardcore. how did i pull it off? its so funny how i have flip flopped back and forth from the whole "i hate work so much it makes me want to crap myself" thing to the whole "i tolerate work because the alternatives make me want to crap myself" thing. i go through such violent swings when it comes to work. there is very little in between time. it is always kind of a zen like moment, where i am just like, why do i hate work? then i'm all cool with it. then things just kind of build and build until one thing puts me over and i get really pissed and wonder how i could ever speak any kind words towards my job. it is really kind of funny when you think about it.
but jeez, work is funny right now. ryan is gone, this leaves us with 5 people. one of my coworkers is on a 3 week vacation, which leaves us at 4. one of my coworkers gave her 2 weeks a week ago which will leave us briefly at 3. i go part time, we are at 2.5. coworker gets back, 3.5. other coworker goes part time, 3.25. we have three and a quarter employees. when i was hired, i think me and ryan were the 16th and 17th employees on staff. i thought at one point we got to 20, but me and ryan can only remember about 18. so, we've gone from 17 or 18 to 3.25 since i have been here. holy shnikes.... at least now that i'm part time, they've kind of cut back on my duties. this is a very nice thing, because i was stressing a little about them. this was a silly thing to worry about, but i was. ahh well.
this weekend was kind of funny. it was extreeeeeemely freaking short, but funny nonetheless. friday, we went over to the dudes house, hoping to hang out and drink large quantities of beer. so we get there and proceed to do so. i have fun on the trampampoline, managing to almost land a flip, but hitting my legs hard enough to bounce backwards and land on my head. my neck still kind of hurts, but it probably looked pretty funny. eventually we head out to this party we were going to go too. its 11 blocks away, like right near our old house. pretty much everyone drives. i think this is funny. we made that walk a ton of times. it is really easy. you can do it in any state, sober, drunk, stoned, or otherwise. its actually kind of a refreshing walk. so, most of our friends drive over. we walk and stop by the SP mart for some cigarettes. we get to the party, me and matt are sitting on the porch waiting for ryan to finish his cigarette. we've been there around 45 seconds before arija comes out and yells at us for smoking. we were just like, that was fucking retarded. we kind of look at eachother, the other people on the porch are just kind of like WHAT THE FUCK! we are just like WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. then we kind of looked at eachother and said fuck this and walked back to air and travs house, grabbed our beer, and went home. it was pretty funny. its kind of too bad, because apparently it was a typical band party. like apparently people were actually talking to people and such. normally, i hate UW band parties. if you are not in band, you will be ignored and looked down on. the band thinks they are these all knowning gods of fun and partying. they are no party slouches, i'll give them that, but most people at UW think they are absolute fuck heads because they throw cheesy parties that they try to make exclusive. its like, why bother throwing a party if you aren't going to socialize. i see parties as a way of rolling out with a group of friends to hang out with other people. if you are just hanging out with the group of friends you always hang out with, its not a party, even if you have a keg. but yeah, apparently it wasn't like that. i'll never know, will i :D
saturday was better. saturday was approaching classic level buffoonery. for how much we have calmed down in the past year or so, saturday was awesome. the great thing is, we weren't even very drunk, we were just kind of having fun. at one point we sent air and trav out to get sluts. they come back with some girl who trav works with. she was cute, but she wouldn't shut up about the stupid shit she does. none of us cared, she was trying to impress us but i don't think any of us were. we all put up with it as long as we could because she was fairly attractive, but shit she was annoying. eventually most of us tuned her out and went on our merry ways. we head out to safeway, in classic buffooned journey style. the walk there wasn't so eventful. it was fun, but nothing really happened that was even worth mentioning. hell, even in safeway nothing happened. but, as we came out, we saw manuel giving whoshername a ride on his motorcycle. we cheered and laughed at her. then this car, some little wannabe sporty thing like a ford probe squeeled out of the driveway in front of us and started yelling out the windows. they had a dozen longstemmed red roses on the roof of their car which promptly fell off. so, we were yelling at them and chasing them because they dropped their flowers. they took it as an opportunity to be badass, and sped off. so we were just like, ok, and jacked the roses. during this whole saga, we had also managed to snag a shopping cart. air got in the shopping cart and stayed in it until we got home. i think he made one pit stop at a bush, but yeah. there is a great picture of him and matt posing in front of the cart with a rose. it was an eventful journey. we got home, and i proceeded directly to the girl, and presented her with the 11 long stem roses (air had already eaten the other one). i spouted some cheesy line like "i got these 11 roses for you in memory of the 11 glorious minutes we have known each other." she got all "awwwwwwww" and "that is so sweet!!!!" on me. it was all i could do to keep from laughing. i don't think manuel and trav were toooo terribly pleased with me, but it had to be done. later, without knowing i had already given them too her, matt told her that we got her some roses at safeway. i hadn't even told him i was going to give them too her. apparently she was like "awwwwwWWWW" and hugged him or something, at which point we both start laughing. eventually the party kind of winds down in front of a movie and we stroll home, but good god, it was hilarious.
so, you say, where does all this new found belligerence towards women come from? i'm not really sure, but i think it is pretty funny. if nothing more, it is appropriate. if you look and really watch the interaction between women and anyone else, it is absolutely rediculous. women have a strangle hold on mens nuts, and they know it. the use this stranglehold for evil, not for good. it has turned them into petty, needy creatures who aren't afraid to use idle threats and fake emotions to get their victim of the moment to do their evil bidding. this may be fairly melodramatic, but it doesn't hit too far from the truth. it is extremely entertaining to watch from the sidelines. i think deep down, every woman wishes she was trapped in some sort of soap opera, sleeping with two twin brothers and a female siamese cat who has had a sex change and loads of plasic surgery so it now looks like a third brother against her knowledge. the really funny part is how we guys are sucked into it. once we see a girl, any bad trait slips away, and we dive blindly in with basically one thing on our mind: get some sex. men have very one track minds. pretty much everything in our lives revolves around sex or food. if we could be eating while having sex, we would never leave the bedroom. women make this whole big deal about relationships, and fate, and being in love, and analyzing everything, while men are just in it and putting up with it to some level because you need a girl to have sex with. if you don't have a girl, sex gets complicated. guys don't really understand the whole relationship game, and for good reason, so we stumble around trying to please our significant other so they won't leave us, and we won't be left without sex. i mean really, you can boil down the mans interest in the relationship down to that one thing, sex. men fall in love just about every day. eventually some woman falls in love back and is willing to quit bitching about a lot of things long enough for the guy to commit, so they get married.
jeez, i'm sounding belligerent, this is great :D the funny thing is, i don't even have relationships or girlfriends. i haven't REALLY been hurt to the point of emotional scarring. i am just sick and tired of seeing my friends get jerked around by women. women are great! women are probably some of the coolest people in the world, until they are in a relationship. like, in high school. i watched this one girl one by one singlehandedly destroy the hearts of pretty much all my friends. she started in 9th grade, and kept rolling through on this path of destruction. it is a painful thing to watch, especially when you know what is going to happen in the end. sure it was a good ride while it lasted, but was it really worth the suffering in the end? it probably was, its just painful from the friends perspective to watch people go through it. when she ended up in these relationships, just kind strung these guys along until she got bored and then just dropped them.
its like, when you are a guy, and you are in a relationship, you can't win on a personal level. you end up winning in the end on a purely sexual level, which is a great victory for any man. but in terms of anything else, nothing you can do will be good enough. if you turn yourself into a slave, the girl complains about walking all over you. if you don't do something exactly how the girl wants it, on the otherhand, she will get pissed at you and start yelling about how you don't appreciate her or respect her. its a no win situation, and if you try to argue your case, you dig yourself deeper. basically, daytime in a relationship is spent tiptoeing around, trying to avoid conflict so you can slip peacefully in bed at night.
the really funny thing is, it ends up being all worthwhile in the end, because sex pretty much rules, and somehow we form this bond with people we are having sex with, which turns into companionship. and most importantly, once you have sex, you reallly realllllly don't want to lose it, because the prospect of no sex is very painful.
i really respect guys who have the willpower to turn down sex. not just turn down sex to begin with, but like have a 1 night stand and not call back. or be in a relationship, and straight up say "i don't think this is going to work out" because they don't want to put up with the shit and leave. not asshole guys who take advantage of drunk women, but guys who like and enjoy women, but aren't afraid to put one in her place. every once in a while, you will see one of these guys on blind date or fifth wheel, or elimidate, or one of those great dating shows. you end up just cheering for him, because he is a beacon of hope for men everywhere. it shows that we can have the upperhand, even if it is just for a moment.
there was this one blind date that makes me grin in pride every time i think of it. there was this fake little starlet who couldn't stop talking about how cute she was and all the things she does. the guy obviously didn't care, because she was full of shit. she was a "professional skateboarder" but then she tried to do some tricks, and she was terrible. like, she could barely stand on the thing. basically, she was the booth babe hotty they take around to competitions with the skate comapany's logo plastered on her breasts and ass. so eventually they are driving around, and he's asking about her being a skateboarder, because obviously sucks, and eventually she was talking about her sponsorship and how great she was, and the guy was like wow, you are famous. and she was like yeah, pretty much. and so he stops the car at an intersection, and was yelling famous person, right here, look we have a famous person, and was pointing at her. it was so glorious, it was hilarious.... Ben from california, we salute you.
Friday, September 13, 2002
Wednesday, September 11, 2002
bloop bloop....
i kind of have an excuse this time. i moved and had no internet. that shut me out of everything (even daoc) for like 6 days or something. not to mention the trouble of moving and stuff.
so yeah, here's the deal....
work is kind of getting to me. i've been going out of my way to ask people about how their jobs our and stuff. like the cable guy came over, and i was like, sooooo how is it being a cable guy? he told me about it, it sounded pretty intruiging. but still, i think i would hate any job i was at. i got back to thinking about REI a little bit ago, and how much i absolutely hated it, or more importantly should have hated it. that place sucked. i mean, it was a terrible place to work. i was a gomer, it was my first real job that i had (besides my month stint at hollywood video which i don't really count). i was anal about stuff, like, i thought things had to be done. but really it wasn't important. it was a lot of added stress, and me skipping lunch breaks, etc etc. on top of that, for all my hard work, my managers still got mad at me for stuff. the were never downstairs keeping an eye on us, so they had no idea. they would always more or less accuse me of stealing things. the ironic thing is, now that i think back, i was probably the only one who never stealed anything in my department. but yeah, i shouldn't have put up with it. i should have quit long before. but there was kind of an aura of coolness that came with being an REI employee. it was just sweet to say "oh yeah, i work at REI." really it didn't mean much. its kind of like me saying "oh yeah, i'm a restoration ecologist" now. it doesn't mean anything, its just something i do to try and validate the hundreds of hours i put in each month. its all about appearances, after all.
that is what it truely comes down too. it is all about appearances. make people think you are something you are not. get away with as much as you can with out people noticing. i mean really, i have pretty much a dream job right now. flexible, low key, good pay, good coworkers. crazy boss, but who's boss isn't. they are letting me dictate my own schedule when i start school again. what other job would let me do that? they are cutting back my responsibilities even. this was a big shock to me, because all they have ever done was drop more in my lap. i was fully expecting to have to do what i do now, plus more, but with a 24 hour work week instead of a 40 hour work week. but now, they actually cut back the stuff i was responsible for. that was pretty sweet. i think once school starts i'm going to be a happy man. a few nights a week of class, a botany class nonetheless, something which i now have extensive field experience with. i'm going to go into that class like 10 steps ahead of everyone. and its something that ties into work, so i won't have to completely shift gears from work to school. this could be a good thing or a bad thing, but in the long run i think it will be good.
it has always been such a struggle for me to keep plugging away at school. i always lose all interest. this is why i am still barely a sophmore and taking part time night classes at community college. even when i try to be good, after a few weeks its just like, why bother getting out of my chair to go to school. this is a rut i'm hoping to break out of. i'm going to treat it a lot like work. i mean, i'm not going to take it seriously, but i'm still going to show up, no matter how stupid it seems. and thats all school is really about. show up, and do the work that is absolutely necessary. if you keep plugging away, at least you'll graduate. it may take a while, but it will happen. hopefully you will find something that you can apply yourself towards at some point along the way.
man, i was reading through my last post, and i sounded pretty belligerent. i mean, i sounded pretty defensive during that whole questionable sexuality thing and that really isn't what i meant to do. blah. no wonder i don't post, i spend too much time reading over past posts :P
OH OH OH!!!!!!
i got this thing today. it is perhaps the greatest thing ever. if it was a song, it would be greater than that soul decision song, faded i think. and thats saying a lot, because that song is currently the greatest song ever. one of my coworkers clued me in to this new household appliance called the snackster. its a lot like a waffle iron, but with huge pocket thingies. its made for grilling sandwiches. i picked up one of these things today for 10 bucks at target, and holy shit let me tell you. i don't know how i lived without it for 21 some odd years. i mean, you can cook two sandwiches at once, and it seals the edges so all the stuff stays in, AND cuts it into convinient triangles. so you get these wedges of toasted melty cheesy goodness. today at lunch was one of the greater moments in my life. if you have 10 bucks laying around, i seriously suggest looking into one of these. you aren't limited to just sandwiches. you can like fry eggs and make burritos and such. i'm going to have to try it out.
another thing i need to share with everyone.... there is this movie coming out in america around april 2003. it is called Shaolin Soccer. it is about these kung fu masters who try bring back kung fu by applying their skills to soccer. i mean, check out the trailer here. tell me this isn't going to be the greatest movie ever. this movie might even pass the snackster in greatness. i mean seriously. it will probably bust just like all the other movies i hype completely beyond all expectations, but i think this one is destined for great things.
oh yeah, and the boob thing is gone. i finally get internet back, and its gone. oh well....
i managed to go through a whole post without mentioning 9/11... oh wait, i just blew it. i'm guessing most people will have some sort of post about it, but i don't really find one necessary. i don't really have anything to say, so it seems stupid to make up something just for the sake of trendiness.
check you all later, and thanks to ariel for complimenting me on stuff :p i don't know how you stumbled on my page, but oh well.
and as always, shout out to jing, because he replied about stuff. he always does :) and i only remember that plastic rum night through stories and forum posts. thank god for the internet, eh?
i kind of have an excuse this time. i moved and had no internet. that shut me out of everything (even daoc) for like 6 days or something. not to mention the trouble of moving and stuff.
so yeah, here's the deal....
work is kind of getting to me. i've been going out of my way to ask people about how their jobs our and stuff. like the cable guy came over, and i was like, sooooo how is it being a cable guy? he told me about it, it sounded pretty intruiging. but still, i think i would hate any job i was at. i got back to thinking about REI a little bit ago, and how much i absolutely hated it, or more importantly should have hated it. that place sucked. i mean, it was a terrible place to work. i was a gomer, it was my first real job that i had (besides my month stint at hollywood video which i don't really count). i was anal about stuff, like, i thought things had to be done. but really it wasn't important. it was a lot of added stress, and me skipping lunch breaks, etc etc. on top of that, for all my hard work, my managers still got mad at me for stuff. the were never downstairs keeping an eye on us, so they had no idea. they would always more or less accuse me of stealing things. the ironic thing is, now that i think back, i was probably the only one who never stealed anything in my department. but yeah, i shouldn't have put up with it. i should have quit long before. but there was kind of an aura of coolness that came with being an REI employee. it was just sweet to say "oh yeah, i work at REI." really it didn't mean much. its kind of like me saying "oh yeah, i'm a restoration ecologist" now. it doesn't mean anything, its just something i do to try and validate the hundreds of hours i put in each month. its all about appearances, after all.
that is what it truely comes down too. it is all about appearances. make people think you are something you are not. get away with as much as you can with out people noticing. i mean really, i have pretty much a dream job right now. flexible, low key, good pay, good coworkers. crazy boss, but who's boss isn't. they are letting me dictate my own schedule when i start school again. what other job would let me do that? they are cutting back my responsibilities even. this was a big shock to me, because all they have ever done was drop more in my lap. i was fully expecting to have to do what i do now, plus more, but with a 24 hour work week instead of a 40 hour work week. but now, they actually cut back the stuff i was responsible for. that was pretty sweet. i think once school starts i'm going to be a happy man. a few nights a week of class, a botany class nonetheless, something which i now have extensive field experience with. i'm going to go into that class like 10 steps ahead of everyone. and its something that ties into work, so i won't have to completely shift gears from work to school. this could be a good thing or a bad thing, but in the long run i think it will be good.
it has always been such a struggle for me to keep plugging away at school. i always lose all interest. this is why i am still barely a sophmore and taking part time night classes at community college. even when i try to be good, after a few weeks its just like, why bother getting out of my chair to go to school. this is a rut i'm hoping to break out of. i'm going to treat it a lot like work. i mean, i'm not going to take it seriously, but i'm still going to show up, no matter how stupid it seems. and thats all school is really about. show up, and do the work that is absolutely necessary. if you keep plugging away, at least you'll graduate. it may take a while, but it will happen. hopefully you will find something that you can apply yourself towards at some point along the way.
man, i was reading through my last post, and i sounded pretty belligerent. i mean, i sounded pretty defensive during that whole questionable sexuality thing and that really isn't what i meant to do. blah. no wonder i don't post, i spend too much time reading over past posts :P
OH OH OH!!!!!!
i got this thing today. it is perhaps the greatest thing ever. if it was a song, it would be greater than that soul decision song, faded i think. and thats saying a lot, because that song is currently the greatest song ever. one of my coworkers clued me in to this new household appliance called the snackster. its a lot like a waffle iron, but with huge pocket thingies. its made for grilling sandwiches. i picked up one of these things today for 10 bucks at target, and holy shit let me tell you. i don't know how i lived without it for 21 some odd years. i mean, you can cook two sandwiches at once, and it seals the edges so all the stuff stays in, AND cuts it into convinient triangles. so you get these wedges of toasted melty cheesy goodness. today at lunch was one of the greater moments in my life. if you have 10 bucks laying around, i seriously suggest looking into one of these. you aren't limited to just sandwiches. you can like fry eggs and make burritos and such. i'm going to have to try it out.
another thing i need to share with everyone.... there is this movie coming out in america around april 2003. it is called Shaolin Soccer. it is about these kung fu masters who try bring back kung fu by applying their skills to soccer. i mean, check out the trailer here. tell me this isn't going to be the greatest movie ever. this movie might even pass the snackster in greatness. i mean seriously. it will probably bust just like all the other movies i hype completely beyond all expectations, but i think this one is destined for great things.
oh yeah, and the boob thing is gone. i finally get internet back, and its gone. oh well....
i managed to go through a whole post without mentioning 9/11... oh wait, i just blew it. i'm guessing most people will have some sort of post about it, but i don't really find one necessary. i don't really have anything to say, so it seems stupid to make up something just for the sake of trendiness.
check you all later, and thanks to ariel for complimenting me on stuff :p i don't know how you stumbled on my page, but oh well.
and as always, shout out to jing, because he replied about stuff. he always does :) and i only remember that plastic rum night through stories and forum posts. thank god for the internet, eh?
