Thursday, June 27, 2002
the more i hear from people being all up in arms about this whole pledge of alligiance thing, the more i get offended. i just heard a speech by good old GW about how the pledge is so great because it affirms that we were given our rights by god. blah. i am not offended by religion, i am offended by religious people forcing religion on me. the pledge of alligiance did this. luckily i didn't have to say it much after the age of 14 or 15 or whatever the year was, but after that point, i mumbled out and omitted the under god part. this worked pretty well, but i shouldn't have to do that. it shouldn't have been there in the first place. the whole statement eisenhower had when he put the under god in the pledge was just offensive to any non-christian person.
i am just pissed that people refuse to acknowledge the fact that someone could possibly offended by this. bullshit, BUUUULLSHIT I SAY.
i am just pissed that people refuse to acknowledge the fact that someone could possibly offended by this. bullshit, BUUUULLSHIT I SAY.
the tired OH GOD THE TIRED!!!!
so yeah, at work we were talking about making a movie of our job today. it was absolutely hilarious. they picked freddie prinz jr. to play my role. its great.... i really want to write this script. man, i have all these visions of scenes in my head, i should put them all down because some of them were really great. my friend ryan flipping around with hand adzes killing soft rush in a training gym... oh god, its just genius.
but speaking of which, i'm tired. i'm really glad it is friday tomorrow. i don't have anything planned for this weekend. i am going to drink myself into a stupor because i couldn't on tuesday. that was one of the hardest things i've had to do in a while, pull myself out of the bar at 11:30 so i could go home and go to bed for work. it really put a damper on the night for me. i hope everyone else had fun. i had fun while i was there but shit... things seemed to be picking up when i left, and even when i was there the knowledge that i had to leave early to sleep for work was hanging over me, mocking me, forcing me to have only one drink.... of course this drink was a long island iced tea which has like 5 shots in it, but STILL. i wanted to drink more. i wanted to get rowdy. i wanted to be drunk with my friends, but i couldn't be. getting up was painful enough as it is, i can't imagine how bad it would have been if i had stayed :D
HOT DAMN LET IT BE FRIDAY. i have drunkeness waiting for me, and it is sweet....
so yeah, at work we were talking about making a movie of our job today. it was absolutely hilarious. they picked freddie prinz jr. to play my role. its great.... i really want to write this script. man, i have all these visions of scenes in my head, i should put them all down because some of them were really great. my friend ryan flipping around with hand adzes killing soft rush in a training gym... oh god, its just genius.
but speaking of which, i'm tired. i'm really glad it is friday tomorrow. i don't have anything planned for this weekend. i am going to drink myself into a stupor because i couldn't on tuesday. that was one of the hardest things i've had to do in a while, pull myself out of the bar at 11:30 so i could go home and go to bed for work. it really put a damper on the night for me. i hope everyone else had fun. i had fun while i was there but shit... things seemed to be picking up when i left, and even when i was there the knowledge that i had to leave early to sleep for work was hanging over me, mocking me, forcing me to have only one drink.... of course this drink was a long island iced tea which has like 5 shots in it, but STILL. i wanted to drink more. i wanted to get rowdy. i wanted to be drunk with my friends, but i couldn't be. getting up was painful enough as it is, i can't imagine how bad it would have been if i had stayed :D
HOT DAMN LET IT BE FRIDAY. i have drunkeness waiting for me, and it is sweet....
Wednesday, June 26, 2002
wow
so the pledge of allegiance is unconstitutional :) i think this is a great step forward down the path of free thinking. although i'm not a militant atheist anymore, hearing about this really makes me smile.
i am guessing right wing christians will be ALL up in arms about this. christianity is really wierd to me. it is unbelievable how arrogant it can be. a lot of christians don't stop to think just how offensive their entire way of life is to the majority of the world. i am offended when god is introduced into places it doesn't belong. i dunno..... its a really touchy subject, because preaching about how much i hate the fact that christianity tries to force itself on other people is bordering on personal blasphemy, because it is in truth expressing my opinion on the subject which can be taken as me trying to force my opinion on other people. its a stretch, but hey, its that kind of crappy warped logic that founded the ideals of the christian church anyways :p
ryan and i were talking about being jaded as compared to being bitter. we both are jaded, there is no doubt about that, but we are positive we aren't bitter. you have to care to be bitter. we don't care really, at all. i mean, its just not worth any sort of brain power, actually caring about stuff.
that being said, there are a few things that i can get bitter about. christianty is one of them.
so yeah, whatever. my blog is the only place i actually express my opinions on basically anything these days. they are still there, they just aren't important enough for me to care about, at least care about enough to bring up in any sort of discussion.
so the pledge of allegiance is unconstitutional :) i think this is a great step forward down the path of free thinking. although i'm not a militant atheist anymore, hearing about this really makes me smile.
i am guessing right wing christians will be ALL up in arms about this. christianity is really wierd to me. it is unbelievable how arrogant it can be. a lot of christians don't stop to think just how offensive their entire way of life is to the majority of the world. i am offended when god is introduced into places it doesn't belong. i dunno..... its a really touchy subject, because preaching about how much i hate the fact that christianity tries to force itself on other people is bordering on personal blasphemy, because it is in truth expressing my opinion on the subject which can be taken as me trying to force my opinion on other people. its a stretch, but hey, its that kind of crappy warped logic that founded the ideals of the christian church anyways :p
ryan and i were talking about being jaded as compared to being bitter. we both are jaded, there is no doubt about that, but we are positive we aren't bitter. you have to care to be bitter. we don't care really, at all. i mean, its just not worth any sort of brain power, actually caring about stuff.
that being said, there are a few things that i can get bitter about. christianty is one of them.
so yeah, whatever. my blog is the only place i actually express my opinions on basically anything these days. they are still there, they just aren't important enough for me to care about, at least care about enough to bring up in any sort of discussion.
Sunday, June 23, 2002
too blog, or not too blog.... that has been the question all too often lately.
it just seems like i have so much pulling me around lately. expectations from everywhere, expectations that i really don't want to meet, or really care about meeting. expectations to go back to college from my parents, expectations to destroy my body and mind overworking myself, expectations to clean up my house, expectations to provide entertaining and thought provoking conversation, expectations to provide a life as interesting as ryans in bellingham this summer, hell, expectations to throw a successful lan party this weekend.
-college, i might actually do it this fall. more on this sometime in the future
-work, i refuse to overwork myself like my coworkers do, especially with no chance of upward movement.
-cleaning, it isn't that bad, it is how we have been living for months, and it is stupid to try to convince ourselves that it actually matters, because we have been ignoring it and happy. people have different comfort levels, and for these levels to change so drastically is just bullshit. i'm not going to waste the time or effort trying to be something i'm not.
-conversation, i feel like i am just talking to myself lately, and no one really cares what i am saying. i feel like people are just putting up with me because i fill a silence that would otherwise just be uncomfortable. yet, i am talking which is something i didn't do a lot of when i was growing up. i would rather be slightly annoying than completely unnoticed.
-ryan, i know doesn't care about what happens this summer. it will be fun no matter what. he lives a completely different lifestyle, a lifestyle i could never handle. even when i was in my so called drunken partying heydey in college, even when i considered myself a "raver", i never was as cool as i thought i was. ryan is my hero. he lives the life i don't have the balls or will to live. i am happy with my so called boring existance. i will be happy with whatever glimpses of his rockstar life i can get.
-lan party, i am not even going to go into, lol.
still, i have had all these doubts lately. doubts that are just kind of tugging me around. doubts i am struggling to keep from consuming me. it is a wierd feeling for me, not to be consumed by fear and depression. i dunno, i guess i have changed so much for the better, yet i have resisted this change 90% of the time. and here i am, still resisting.
i am not a boring person, yet i'm not all that exciting. i have done things that make for incredible stories, yet when i look back at them they weren't that exciting. its just a wierd thing sometimes... i wish for all these things, yet i don't actually want them. i mean seriously. sometimes i really wish i had a girlfriend, but really i don't want one. its not that i am opposed to the thought, but what would a girlfriend add to my life? do i really need another person to add meaning to my life? it is my life, i shouldn't need someone else to define it. yet i sit here, trying to compare myself to people anyways, trying to associate myself with people who's lives i wish i had. yet, if i actually had their lives i wouldn't be able to handle it. i wish i was getting laid, but really, am i really missing that much? it has never, and never will be as good as it is in my head. i don't have any sort of out of control sex drive that makes me need it. hell, i don't think i really have a sex drive at all. is there something wrong with me because of this? is it wrong that i don't need sex or other physical sensual contact from another person whatsoever? maybe i really do need it, its just i've been repressing this need for so long that it has no way to come out. maybe some day i will actually have this incredible sex that is everything i have built it up to be and i will open a flood gate of predatory sexual tendancies. who knows what is actually going on in that mind of mine.
my mind is so scattered. i can't focus on a topic long enough to actually figure things out anymore. well i can, i just have trouble doing it. i used to be able to focus in on a problem, and work through it until i got a solution that satisfied me. the wierd thing is, now that i am more or less sober, i have lost any sort of concentration i used to have. it really makes me think and wonder about the mind enhancing qualities of the various drugs i have taken in the past.... it really makes me wish i didn't have work or any sort of responsibilites so i could experiment more with this dilemma i am having. was i better off with all the drugs?
work, bah. i keep telling myself, there are so many things i would do if i didn't have to work the next morning. but in reality, what would happen. i wouldn't actually do a whole lot. i'd probably play even more videogames than i do right now, drink almost everynight, and complain about how boring my life is. the only thing that i would really add is alcoholism...
but still, i feel like i am wasting time at work. i mean, basically it takes up 9-10 hours every day. ideally, i would get 9-10 hours of sleep. if you put those together, that leaves me with like 2-3 hours to actually do stuff. thats fucked. so what happens? i don't sleep. i stay up late. so i am tired all the time. which means i don't actually do anything. instead of sleeping, i sit around in a daze watching tv, playing DAOC, or chatting online. even if i had the motivation to do something, it would be stifled by exhastion. its a viscious cycle that just keeps repeating itself. i mean look at me now. i haven't strung any real sleep together for about a week and a half, and here i am blogging instead of going to sleep. i have to wake up in about 6 hours or something absolutely rediculous to go to work tomorrow. its retarded.
i have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. its a lot of things really. i have trouble falling asleep before 1 naturally, and it is nearly impossible for me to sleep before midnight. i am naturally a deeply nocturnal person. i can remember back in time when i was like 8 or whatever, staying up until 4 in the morning night after night reading judy blume books and stuff. i just can't function on a regular 9-5 work cycle, LET ALONE a 7-3 work cycle. i would probably be much better off staying awake until work, then sleeping from 4pm to 2am or so. but this would shut me off from all semblances of a social life. it would just be rediculous. i wouldn't be tired, but i would be a complete hermit....
i also have a lot of trouble sleeping in my room. its always hot, yet i can't sleep with the window open. my window faces 75th, which is always always busy. even in the middle of the night there are cars going past, and it is rediculously loud. so i sit here tossing and turning, with the noise from traffic turned down to a dull roar. also, my door is really thin and there is basically no sound insulation. i shudder at the thought of the countless exhasted mornings i have in store for me.
soon enough i will be out of this run down little house with its hot attic and annoying neighbors. there will be no direct frontage to a major traffic thoroughfare (hopefully). there will definitely not be any 4 am jolts out of bed due to roomates screaming at the top of their lungs at some inconsequential thing during a soccer match...
maybe i'm just tired and cranky right now. i need some sleep, some good sleep. i really wish i had been able to sleep all weekend. i'm going to pass out at work tomorrow.
it just seems like i have so much pulling me around lately. expectations from everywhere, expectations that i really don't want to meet, or really care about meeting. expectations to go back to college from my parents, expectations to destroy my body and mind overworking myself, expectations to clean up my house, expectations to provide entertaining and thought provoking conversation, expectations to provide a life as interesting as ryans in bellingham this summer, hell, expectations to throw a successful lan party this weekend.
-college, i might actually do it this fall. more on this sometime in the future
-work, i refuse to overwork myself like my coworkers do, especially with no chance of upward movement.
-cleaning, it isn't that bad, it is how we have been living for months, and it is stupid to try to convince ourselves that it actually matters, because we have been ignoring it and happy. people have different comfort levels, and for these levels to change so drastically is just bullshit. i'm not going to waste the time or effort trying to be something i'm not.
-conversation, i feel like i am just talking to myself lately, and no one really cares what i am saying. i feel like people are just putting up with me because i fill a silence that would otherwise just be uncomfortable. yet, i am talking which is something i didn't do a lot of when i was growing up. i would rather be slightly annoying than completely unnoticed.
-ryan, i know doesn't care about what happens this summer. it will be fun no matter what. he lives a completely different lifestyle, a lifestyle i could never handle. even when i was in my so called drunken partying heydey in college, even when i considered myself a "raver", i never was as cool as i thought i was. ryan is my hero. he lives the life i don't have the balls or will to live. i am happy with my so called boring existance. i will be happy with whatever glimpses of his rockstar life i can get.
-lan party, i am not even going to go into, lol.
still, i have had all these doubts lately. doubts that are just kind of tugging me around. doubts i am struggling to keep from consuming me. it is a wierd feeling for me, not to be consumed by fear and depression. i dunno, i guess i have changed so much for the better, yet i have resisted this change 90% of the time. and here i am, still resisting.
i am not a boring person, yet i'm not all that exciting. i have done things that make for incredible stories, yet when i look back at them they weren't that exciting. its just a wierd thing sometimes... i wish for all these things, yet i don't actually want them. i mean seriously. sometimes i really wish i had a girlfriend, but really i don't want one. its not that i am opposed to the thought, but what would a girlfriend add to my life? do i really need another person to add meaning to my life? it is my life, i shouldn't need someone else to define it. yet i sit here, trying to compare myself to people anyways, trying to associate myself with people who's lives i wish i had. yet, if i actually had their lives i wouldn't be able to handle it. i wish i was getting laid, but really, am i really missing that much? it has never, and never will be as good as it is in my head. i don't have any sort of out of control sex drive that makes me need it. hell, i don't think i really have a sex drive at all. is there something wrong with me because of this? is it wrong that i don't need sex or other physical sensual contact from another person whatsoever? maybe i really do need it, its just i've been repressing this need for so long that it has no way to come out. maybe some day i will actually have this incredible sex that is everything i have built it up to be and i will open a flood gate of predatory sexual tendancies. who knows what is actually going on in that mind of mine.
my mind is so scattered. i can't focus on a topic long enough to actually figure things out anymore. well i can, i just have trouble doing it. i used to be able to focus in on a problem, and work through it until i got a solution that satisfied me. the wierd thing is, now that i am more or less sober, i have lost any sort of concentration i used to have. it really makes me think and wonder about the mind enhancing qualities of the various drugs i have taken in the past.... it really makes me wish i didn't have work or any sort of responsibilites so i could experiment more with this dilemma i am having. was i better off with all the drugs?
work, bah. i keep telling myself, there are so many things i would do if i didn't have to work the next morning. but in reality, what would happen. i wouldn't actually do a whole lot. i'd probably play even more videogames than i do right now, drink almost everynight, and complain about how boring my life is. the only thing that i would really add is alcoholism...
but still, i feel like i am wasting time at work. i mean, basically it takes up 9-10 hours every day. ideally, i would get 9-10 hours of sleep. if you put those together, that leaves me with like 2-3 hours to actually do stuff. thats fucked. so what happens? i don't sleep. i stay up late. so i am tired all the time. which means i don't actually do anything. instead of sleeping, i sit around in a daze watching tv, playing DAOC, or chatting online. even if i had the motivation to do something, it would be stifled by exhastion. its a viscious cycle that just keeps repeating itself. i mean look at me now. i haven't strung any real sleep together for about a week and a half, and here i am blogging instead of going to sleep. i have to wake up in about 6 hours or something absolutely rediculous to go to work tomorrow. its retarded.
i have been having a lot of trouble sleeping lately. its a lot of things really. i have trouble falling asleep before 1 naturally, and it is nearly impossible for me to sleep before midnight. i am naturally a deeply nocturnal person. i can remember back in time when i was like 8 or whatever, staying up until 4 in the morning night after night reading judy blume books and stuff. i just can't function on a regular 9-5 work cycle, LET ALONE a 7-3 work cycle. i would probably be much better off staying awake until work, then sleeping from 4pm to 2am or so. but this would shut me off from all semblances of a social life. it would just be rediculous. i wouldn't be tired, but i would be a complete hermit....
i also have a lot of trouble sleeping in my room. its always hot, yet i can't sleep with the window open. my window faces 75th, which is always always busy. even in the middle of the night there are cars going past, and it is rediculously loud. so i sit here tossing and turning, with the noise from traffic turned down to a dull roar. also, my door is really thin and there is basically no sound insulation. i shudder at the thought of the countless exhasted mornings i have in store for me.
soon enough i will be out of this run down little house with its hot attic and annoying neighbors. there will be no direct frontage to a major traffic thoroughfare (hopefully). there will definitely not be any 4 am jolts out of bed due to roomates screaming at the top of their lungs at some inconsequential thing during a soccer match...
maybe i'm just tired and cranky right now. i need some sleep, some good sleep. i really wish i had been able to sleep all weekend. i'm going to pass out at work tomorrow.
Saturday, June 15, 2002
well, now that i have porn advertising for me, i figure it is time for me to post again.
i talk way too much. i have this wierd idea in my head that people actually care about what i have to say. why do i keep talking? because i'm bored? i guess so. it passes the time. its kind of funny though, because sometimes i just start talking about something, and i just keep going.
bwaaaaaaaaah. things are so stupid. i mean, stuff, stuff is all good. but things. BLOW. work is definitely a thing. i mentioned this to someone last night, if i could find a way to be unemployed, i would. like, i don't know how people work, and actually do it, let alone enjoy it. i have a lot of trouble actually working. because work just blows. work is a thing. i hate it. hate work. i just don't want to go. it is a complete waste of my time.
i know i blogged about this before, but i think it got eaten. like, for some reason to me time is really important. i feel annoyed when things that i don't want to take up this time. even things like eating and such. i shouldn't have to do those things. i have much more important things to do, like watch tv. watching tv i like, so its ok to spend my time on. but work, NO. thats 8 hours every day of stuff i don't want to do. DKLASJFLKSD.
ok... lately my thoughts have been even more scrambled than they usually are. i mean, there were times in the past where i had stuff to write, i just was too lazy. but these days, i'll sit down to write something, and it just won't work. like, i know i do have stuff to write about, i just can't bring them together into a coherent string of thoughts. ok, here's the really wierd thing. like, the past little bit of time is the soberest i've been since like, forever. i mean, usually you would think its drugs and alcohol and stuff that screws up your concentration and thought process, but i seriously am beginning to believe that sobriety is unhealthy. i really need to fix this....
how wierd is that. the less i drink, whatever, the more scatterbrained i get. i mean, when you are drunk or stoned or what not, its good to be scatterbrained, because its fun. but when you are sober and bored, being scatterbrained is just stupid and annoying. i wish i could just be unemployed, and a bum. then i could be drunk and what not like all the time without worry of not making it to work or whatever. because really, work just fucks everything up.
its not that i hate my job. i just hate the institution of work. the world should revolve around me. i mean, why wouldn't it. i'm me, everything else is just secondary. the rest of the world just needs to realize this ;)
BWAAAAAAAAH i'm thirsty. screw this i'm watching some more tv
i talk way too much. i have this wierd idea in my head that people actually care about what i have to say. why do i keep talking? because i'm bored? i guess so. it passes the time. its kind of funny though, because sometimes i just start talking about something, and i just keep going.
bwaaaaaaaaah. things are so stupid. i mean, stuff, stuff is all good. but things. BLOW. work is definitely a thing. i mentioned this to someone last night, if i could find a way to be unemployed, i would. like, i don't know how people work, and actually do it, let alone enjoy it. i have a lot of trouble actually working. because work just blows. work is a thing. i hate it. hate work. i just don't want to go. it is a complete waste of my time.
i know i blogged about this before, but i think it got eaten. like, for some reason to me time is really important. i feel annoyed when things that i don't want to take up this time. even things like eating and such. i shouldn't have to do those things. i have much more important things to do, like watch tv. watching tv i like, so its ok to spend my time on. but work, NO. thats 8 hours every day of stuff i don't want to do. DKLASJFLKSD.
ok... lately my thoughts have been even more scrambled than they usually are. i mean, there were times in the past where i had stuff to write, i just was too lazy. but these days, i'll sit down to write something, and it just won't work. like, i know i do have stuff to write about, i just can't bring them together into a coherent string of thoughts. ok, here's the really wierd thing. like, the past little bit of time is the soberest i've been since like, forever. i mean, usually you would think its drugs and alcohol and stuff that screws up your concentration and thought process, but i seriously am beginning to believe that sobriety is unhealthy. i really need to fix this....
how wierd is that. the less i drink, whatever, the more scatterbrained i get. i mean, when you are drunk or stoned or what not, its good to be scatterbrained, because its fun. but when you are sober and bored, being scatterbrained is just stupid and annoying. i wish i could just be unemployed, and a bum. then i could be drunk and what not like all the time without worry of not making it to work or whatever. because really, work just fucks everything up.
its not that i hate my job. i just hate the institution of work. the world should revolve around me. i mean, why wouldn't it. i'm me, everything else is just secondary. the rest of the world just needs to realize this ;)
BWAAAAAAAAH i'm thirsty. screw this i'm watching some more tv
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Monday, June 03, 2002
blop bloppp BLOOOP
grrruuuuu, exhaustion taking over.
i couldn't sleep last night. i don't know why, but i seriously couldn't sleep. i kept waking up, it was nuts. i am really feeling it today. my head is fuzzy, and i can't concentrate. i didn't get as much done as i wanted to at work today, but thats the way things work out. when i get home, its so naptime.... hopefully i don't blow it and screw up my sleeping cycle for the rest of the day. ahhhh well, i really need to rest though, or i'm going to be blown for the rest of the week
grrruuuuu, exhaustion taking over.
i couldn't sleep last night. i don't know why, but i seriously couldn't sleep. i kept waking up, it was nuts. i am really feeling it today. my head is fuzzy, and i can't concentrate. i didn't get as much done as i wanted to at work today, but thats the way things work out. when i get home, its so naptime.... hopefully i don't blow it and screw up my sleeping cycle for the rest of the day. ahhhh well, i really need to rest though, or i'm going to be blown for the rest of the week
