This is my place on the internet. I am not concerned about using it for anything, I just need to know it is there. I have it because I can. This is not a place for the iphone internet, this text is just a surface. The real important bits are on some server housing thousands of identical spaces.
A place for stuff
Bribe us all
Is it time to just flat out recognize the fact that money buys influence? Instead of having companies pay phonies to bribe other phonies, have them just pay that directly to the state and let them have their way. At least then we are whoring ourselves instead of being pimped.
We have the technology to go to pure democracy. The government could theoretically be handed over to the internet. High School kids could troll from their parents voting accounts, and memes would rule the earth.
Just like that, NOTHING. Bam, nothing to the face. How do you like that nothing? Pretty great. It is nice, clicking that link, seeing nothing. It makes you feel good inside, bursting with anticipation. Because some day, maybe a week from now, maybe a year, BAM, a lack of nothing. And you think that is nice, but you are wrong, because just as soon as that reader’s high wears off, you are longing for the sweet embrace of pure nothing once again. Your mind rebels. It rails against the something. WHO GAVE SOMETHING THE RIGHT TO TAKE AWAY MY NOTHING. At least with nothing there was hope. Hope that maybe, someday, there would be something great. But instead you get this. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, HAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!
Not at all
The american dream took a somewhat hilarious dream during our generation. I don’t know whether it is due to some sort of perceived oppression, the decay of society, or downright apathy, but the new goal in life of the up and coming rank and file is to remove themselves from the system entirely. There is just no point. There is nothing to achieve, no reward. There just seems to be labor. Endless meaningless labor. The goal is nothingness. It is only by contributing nothing that you feel like you win, and it only feels like you win because you aren’t losing so conspicuously.
So, that is the goal of my people. We strive for a balance of zero, because it sure beats crippling debt.
Not a Boss
I do the work I do. I am good at my job. Some people are good at certain types of job. Some people are ideally suited to do their one job, and they have found their place. I think people make this mistake when judging me and the jobs I do. I show myself to be good at a job. Better, perhaps, than they are at their job. They see themselves as suited to their particular job, so by following that train of thought, I am made for my job and have found my place due to my competence at whatever particular job I am doing.
I still do not think I have found a job that particularly suits me. I do these things that chance has brought me too. I shift around until I find something I feel comfortable with and float their for a while. Inevitably, I get shifted into something I am not comfortable with and then leave. Nothing I have done really speaks to me as an individual. I still enjoy the things I do, particularly the streamlining and organizing of tasks that happens whenever I am shifted into a new position. I enjoy turning whatever job I have into a system that could theoretically be replicated. I enjoy refining that system to the point that I personally have to pay a minimal amount of attention, and still achieve success.
I get frustrated seeing other people try to implement my system. My jobs are generally below my overall mental aptitude, which means the people brought on to replace me are not as quick to grasp the nuances of my systems. Generally, they take longer teach than they took to create, which is mind-boggling to me. Eventually I just have to give up, and let them do their work, knowing that I have left behind a non-ideal situation. Is this my fault? I don’t even know anymore. I have blamed myself, I have blamed other people, but I still can’t come to a place that makes me feel right about the situation. The only real answer would be to replicate myself, explain quickly to my clone, and then let my clone further the systematic overhaul.
If there is not a system, I start to chaff. If it is a nebulous administrative or managerial position, I am not happy. If people did their jobs correctly, such positions would not be necessary. Some people love this sort of work, because it allows them to bullshit their way through life and feel accomplished by doing so. They are the politicians of the world. If you put a systematic person into a role like this, several things can happen, but here is what happens to me. Sometimes, I try to systemize the unsystemizeable, and turn it into an endless task of rearranging imaginary parts. This leads to stress and an unshakeable feeling of failure, because there is no concrete goal, no conlcusion. Other times I do nothing. Absolutely nothing. I figure out what tasks are vital to others, and do those things. The rest of my time is spent killing time in a hyper paranoid state, constantly waiting for someone else to appear so I can establish a momentary illusion of productivity.
So, give me something to do. Give me something to fix and restructure. Hell, give me simple, repeatable, manual tasks and I will flourish. Give me something concrete, and I will be happy. Just don’t punish my efficiency. Hire me to do a certain job, and let me do it. I will take on whatever you tell me to do, sure. I will continue to accumulate tasks and work them into a model I can sustain. It is hard to do, but if you eventually burn me out, you are going to have to deal with the mess it makes. Realize that if you do push me beyond the point I can handle, I will have no qualms leaving you with the heaping pile of work you have foisted upon me. Then you will be left to inadequately replace me with two or three people.
So, just let me do my job. Give me something you need to be done, and I will do it and do it well. You are going to have to leave me to my own devices. I may not always be working, because I work best at maximum efficiency, but at the same time, I can not work at maximum efficiency 100% of the time. There is a balance somewhere in there, so you are best off judging me based on the results I give you related to the task you gave me to achieve. Everything else should be less relevant.
When I first saw advice dog, it made me very, very angry. Every time I saw him, it hurt me physically. Then, after a while, I accepted it. Eventually, there was one that made me chuckle, and I was embarrassed. Then, suddenly, I saw a wolf yelling at me about rape, and I realized that the subtle horribleness that was this meme had trolled me into submission. Now I seek out Social Awkward Penguin on a regular basis. I feel like I have grown as a person because of this. No longer do have to suppress shudders of anger. I can sit here naked in front of my computer and guffaw to myself in peace.
We’ll probably lose
Its true, we will probably lose. It doesn’t matter now, I have come to grips with that fact. It is kind of great having no expectations. We will probably lose, but it isn’t a given. Like Walter Jones said after the game, they don’t put your record on the hats, they just put division champions. We made it in, so now we could get lucky and win 4 games in a row. It doesn’t matter how we get there, I will still riot in the streets if they bring home a trophy. I will flip a car over, and smash some windows. I will stand on top of a bus shelter and take my clothes off. If it happens, no one will remember the first 16 games. The last 4 are all that will matter.
I just hope they do what they should and give our terrible backup quarterback a second chance. Start our old bastard of a quarterback, because he is obviously going to put up 4 touchdowns. Yeah…
The game was at least watchable. It was exciting to see our offense function how it was conceptualized, instead of being bludgeoned together by brute force. All of the roll outs make a certain amount of sense when you see our guy scramble 7 yards for a first that keeps the drive alive. It isn’t some token roll out that culminates in an awkward, terrified dance and a fluttering ball to a salivating safety. It is time to regroup, and extra options. I doubt it will happen though, and it will be hard to watch.
Bent over in the snow
Today we ran around in circles hunched over dragging a bucket through the snow. We then took this snow and piled it up in a giant mound around two pots of near boiling water. The snow promptly melted, so we repeated our task off and on for FOUR HOURS. Luckily as the pots cooled down, our mounds of snow did not melt quite so fast, but also the effects of the snow were lessened, and the pots cooled of much more slowly. Then finally we went home. The end.
Hello New Year
Here we go, new year. Fill yourself with beer. That is my hope, that there will be noticeable progress on the beer front, both at home and on a larger scale. Things seem to finally be coming together and moving. Some of our larger fears are finally being allayed. It will be good to have that taking up a larger portion of my attention. It is something that is important too me, so if it can siphon off some of those thoughts that have been directed towards work due to a lack of a better target, my life will be improved. Because really, screw work. Work needs less of my attention, lest I become bitter and angry about it.
So, beer it is. The year of beer.
I know, I know.
It isn’t that I have moved on, I have just been caught in an ebb. Possibly the mother of all my ebbs. Every few months I sit down, chalk full of intention. I spit out a few words that I don’t care about, and then they get deleted. I could just complain my petty little complaints, but that isn’t worth it. They are so often my fixation, that they inevitably come to the fore, and so they get deleted. I post about the Mariners or the Seahawks, notice the desperate, pleading tone my words take, and so they get deleted.
It has been a year like any other year, with its own ups and downs, but I think the main point I am trying to make is that my focus has not been on my usual obsessive self improvement. I am moving in another direction. I have improved my mental state to a point that makes me feel suitably above the norm where my feelings belong, and as long as my mental state fine my need to wander endlessly is diminished. Maybe I just needed a vacation, a chance to regroup and gain bearing. It seems I have been preoccupied, taking time to think my thoughts in private, but now I can’t remember a single thing I thought in the past year, and that makes me kind of sad. Maybe this will be a clean slate, and I will find another need to fill. Maybe it will be another year. Who knows. I don’t know, I never know. We’ll see where these few words take me. I still read Ryan’s thoughts every time they are there, so the least I can do is give him something to read in my written voice. Ryan, rejoice! For one day, you have words to read.