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Wednesday, July 01, 2009
i don't know why this one has been so difficult. i know what i want to talk about, but i keep false starting. i have been distracted, but that is no excuse for this post since the idea has already been percolating. so, lets get too it
vocabulary. this is something of a two piece issue, although they are linked and hopefully everything will flow together naturally. my vocabulary is admittedly very strong, but i believe the reason for this is often misunderstood. people assume it is because i have a vast store of words in my head, which is true, but it isn't the reason. you can memorize all the words you want, but adding those words into a functional vocabulary is different that simply knowing what they mean. i think it is because i try to use words as representations of their meanings, instead of trying to pigeonhole them into their definitions. they are more ideas than concrete facts to me. you can use many word combinations to convey the same idea, but each one will subtly shift the context of what you are saying. that is what i am playing around with anyways in my writing, metaphor and context. i am usually working via metaphor to some degree anyways, and it is usually a conveniently playful word choice that sends down that road. it isn't so much the word itself as what the word represents in relation to the content it is bound to. most of the time when i use a particularly vocabularyish word, i am using it in a way that slightly skews its definition to invoke the feeling behind the word, not so much the definition itself. so many of my word choices are little self contained metaphors in themselves that when i do get to use a good word in the context it was actually meant to be used in, i am quite proud of myself, because it is a much more rare occurance.
i guess my feeling is that there are probably a lot of people who have these words floating around in their heads but are too afraid to use them because they are so focused on using them correctly. to me, there is no real correct usage. i use fancy words to pare down my writing. to make it more efficient, sharper if you will. so, when i use these words, especially when i use them in place of another word and slightly out of their normal context, i can express several thought processes at once. you can put across the meaning of the word, but also subtly implant the difference between the word and the word you are replacing in the back of someone's mind, and also the difference between the actual meaning and the intended meaning. so really, a lot of times i am leading the reader down a path to discover the true intention of what i meant without having to spend the boring time of expanding it all of the way out. when i use a particularly esoteric word, i usually try to use it in conjunction with another, similar word that the reader can immediately identify with, so the awkward word choice won't distract from the flow of the prose, but simply trigger the above thought processes in the background. take one of my favorite word choices of the last few months. i used the word ameliorate in the little story i wrote about finding connections running under the surface of society. on its own, it is an overly flowery word with a simple meaning, to better or to enhance. both of those are fine words and thoughts with very evocative meanings, so there is really very little reason to use it. but in my story, i was looking to convey a sense of mysterious, divinely inspired enlightenment. i wasn't looking to overplay the divine aspect, i wanted that to hover below the surface. in fact, in the story the connection to the divine was somewhat disappointing, it didn't really reveal or enlighten in itself. it turned into more of a story about self discovery and self awareness, so i really didn't want there to be a divine aspect as the sudden explanation for what was transpiring. but there was a definite divine connection happening. so i used ameliorate in combination with enlighten, because he was expecting this connection with the unknown to immediately enhance who he was, and for some reason to me ameliorate has something ethereal quality to it as a word, and an ethereal enlightenment seems somewhat divine to me.
of course, all of this is explaining a thought process that happened fairly quickly in my head. i didn't sit there and think all of that through while i was writing. it was more of an intention, and in hindsight, those were the reasons behind the intention.
not to be too jarring here, but lets move on to the second half of this conversation, because it ties directly in to the way i shift words across different uses. if you want to expand your functional vocabulary, this is definitely an easy way. everything has its own set of words you use to describe and talk about the ideas encompassed by it. the more complex the idea, the more complex the vocabulary. take molecular biology: there are specific word combinations used to describe different ideas and processes. everyone studying molecular biology tends to learn similar, if not identical word structures to explain what they mean in order to be able to communicate on a functional level within this discipline. in fact, i would contend that those with a true understanding of the base thoughts and ideas underlying the basic premises of the discipline will manifest themselves in the ability to apply different, if subtly, word choices to these ideas to add a further level context. this language of ideas in any discipline forms a new vocabulary that can be applied to anything else, no matter how unrelated. so, you can take something you know intimately and find parallels between it and whatever topic is at hand. then you can transpose that vocabulary onto the new topic, and there you go, you have a whole new set of words and ideas to expand your thoughts with. it can work for anything, really. you probably notice me do this mostly with climbing, or driving, those things that tend to spark my interest in an almost nerdily obsessive way.
oh, and i have no qualms using thesaurus.com if the word i am mulling just doesn't seem right. sometimes the word is right there at the front of your brain, but you just can't rip it out. most times, you can find it there, or something better and more impressive. if not, you might as well swallow your pride and use your original word because it isn't worth stressing over.
vocabulary. this is something of a two piece issue, although they are linked and hopefully everything will flow together naturally. my vocabulary is admittedly very strong, but i believe the reason for this is often misunderstood. people assume it is because i have a vast store of words in my head, which is true, but it isn't the reason. you can memorize all the words you want, but adding those words into a functional vocabulary is different that simply knowing what they mean. i think it is because i try to use words as representations of their meanings, instead of trying to pigeonhole them into their definitions. they are more ideas than concrete facts to me. you can use many word combinations to convey the same idea, but each one will subtly shift the context of what you are saying. that is what i am playing around with anyways in my writing, metaphor and context. i am usually working via metaphor to some degree anyways, and it is usually a conveniently playful word choice that sends down that road. it isn't so much the word itself as what the word represents in relation to the content it is bound to. most of the time when i use a particularly vocabularyish word, i am using it in a way that slightly skews its definition to invoke the feeling behind the word, not so much the definition itself. so many of my word choices are little self contained metaphors in themselves that when i do get to use a good word in the context it was actually meant to be used in, i am quite proud of myself, because it is a much more rare occurance.
i guess my feeling is that there are probably a lot of people who have these words floating around in their heads but are too afraid to use them because they are so focused on using them correctly. to me, there is no real correct usage. i use fancy words to pare down my writing. to make it more efficient, sharper if you will. so, when i use these words, especially when i use them in place of another word and slightly out of their normal context, i can express several thought processes at once. you can put across the meaning of the word, but also subtly implant the difference between the word and the word you are replacing in the back of someone's mind, and also the difference between the actual meaning and the intended meaning. so really, a lot of times i am leading the reader down a path to discover the true intention of what i meant without having to spend the boring time of expanding it all of the way out. when i use a particularly esoteric word, i usually try to use it in conjunction with another, similar word that the reader can immediately identify with, so the awkward word choice won't distract from the flow of the prose, but simply trigger the above thought processes in the background. take one of my favorite word choices of the last few months. i used the word ameliorate in the little story i wrote about finding connections running under the surface of society. on its own, it is an overly flowery word with a simple meaning, to better or to enhance. both of those are fine words and thoughts with very evocative meanings, so there is really very little reason to use it. but in my story, i was looking to convey a sense of mysterious, divinely inspired enlightenment. i wasn't looking to overplay the divine aspect, i wanted that to hover below the surface. in fact, in the story the connection to the divine was somewhat disappointing, it didn't really reveal or enlighten in itself. it turned into more of a story about self discovery and self awareness, so i really didn't want there to be a divine aspect as the sudden explanation for what was transpiring. but there was a definite divine connection happening. so i used ameliorate in combination with enlighten, because he was expecting this connection with the unknown to immediately enhance who he was, and for some reason to me ameliorate has something ethereal quality to it as a word, and an ethereal enlightenment seems somewhat divine to me.
of course, all of this is explaining a thought process that happened fairly quickly in my head. i didn't sit there and think all of that through while i was writing. it was more of an intention, and in hindsight, those were the reasons behind the intention.
not to be too jarring here, but lets move on to the second half of this conversation, because it ties directly in to the way i shift words across different uses. if you want to expand your functional vocabulary, this is definitely an easy way. everything has its own set of words you use to describe and talk about the ideas encompassed by it. the more complex the idea, the more complex the vocabulary. take molecular biology: there are specific word combinations used to describe different ideas and processes. everyone studying molecular biology tends to learn similar, if not identical word structures to explain what they mean in order to be able to communicate on a functional level within this discipline. in fact, i would contend that those with a true understanding of the base thoughts and ideas underlying the basic premises of the discipline will manifest themselves in the ability to apply different, if subtly, word choices to these ideas to add a further level context. this language of ideas in any discipline forms a new vocabulary that can be applied to anything else, no matter how unrelated. so, you can take something you know intimately and find parallels between it and whatever topic is at hand. then you can transpose that vocabulary onto the new topic, and there you go, you have a whole new set of words and ideas to expand your thoughts with. it can work for anything, really. you probably notice me do this mostly with climbing, or driving, those things that tend to spark my interest in an almost nerdily obsessive way.
oh, and i have no qualms using thesaurus.com if the word i am mulling just doesn't seem right. sometimes the word is right there at the front of your brain, but you just can't rip it out. most times, you can find it there, or something better and more impressive. if not, you might as well swallow your pride and use your original word because it isn't worth stressing over.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Saturday, June 27, 2009
i am sitting here content. usually the impetus to write comes from some sort of inner turmoil, some question that needs exploring. but no, i sit here content, pondering the depths of my comfortable happiness. the only grief is my feeling of neglect for this little space, but when has that ever really been a reason to write.
so, we find ourselves here under unusual circumstances. i'll ask myself this question again, do you love life, unconditionally? i want to. i hope too. it seems like such a simple task. life shouldn't have to provide me anything to be satisfying. just as my simple existence shouldn't be qualified with any expectations, i shouldn't demand anything in return due to the fact that i have sustained my metabolic processes up to this point. if i am going to love life, i have to do just that. making unrealistic demands won't change its outlook, seeing as it is more of an abstract concept and all.
it is just such a strong statement. ideally, yes, i would, and this sheer fact would make me a happier person. maybe it is just such a new addition to my philosophy and hasn't had the chance to be put through the rigors of practical everyday life. i am just skeptical, mostly because i want it to be true. those sorts of things, i have a habit of justifying to myself, truth regardless. so, we will continue under this assumption until proven otherwise, but warily.
ahh well. life, today i love you. tomorrow i will love you. if i say that i don't, it will be more of an ironic exclamation, and i am sure i will feel sheepish afterward when i realize my need for melodrama drove me to say things that run counter to my needs. ok, enough with the platitudes and fluff. love your life, and keep the words flowing.
so, we find ourselves here under unusual circumstances. i'll ask myself this question again, do you love life, unconditionally? i want to. i hope too. it seems like such a simple task. life shouldn't have to provide me anything to be satisfying. just as my simple existence shouldn't be qualified with any expectations, i shouldn't demand anything in return due to the fact that i have sustained my metabolic processes up to this point. if i am going to love life, i have to do just that. making unrealistic demands won't change its outlook, seeing as it is more of an abstract concept and all.
it is just such a strong statement. ideally, yes, i would, and this sheer fact would make me a happier person. maybe it is just such a new addition to my philosophy and hasn't had the chance to be put through the rigors of practical everyday life. i am just skeptical, mostly because i want it to be true. those sorts of things, i have a habit of justifying to myself, truth regardless. so, we will continue under this assumption until proven otherwise, but warily.
ahh well. life, today i love you. tomorrow i will love you. if i say that i don't, it will be more of an ironic exclamation, and i am sure i will feel sheepish afterward when i realize my need for melodrama drove me to say things that run counter to my needs. ok, enough with the platitudes and fluff. love your life, and keep the words flowing.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
do you love life unconditionally? i want to say i do. i may not have up until this moment, but right now i want to say i do. maybe this is the moment where i start. i will look back and say "that was the moment i said enough with the caveats and the kvetching, enough with unnecessary complaint, life is good so dwell on that instead."
that is really what the goal is, right? what all of my searching has been about, the whole purpose of this journey of mental awareness. i want to be happy. i want to be as happy as possible, and enjoy my life as much as possible. i see no purpose in enforcing some sort of false set of boundaries on myself that says 'it is wrong to be be happy all of the time, so you need to dwell on these inconsequential sadnesses.' i am not denying the importance of balance, because expecting pure, constant happiness would be delusional, but we can choose which emotions we want to embrace and keep relevant at the forefront of our lives, and which emotions we want to acknowledge, then own, then reincorporate into the background.
so yes, i do love life unconditionally. thank you ryan, and lightheaded for making me aware of this fact. i am practically glowing right now with the implications of that statement. he is right, that is such a multilayered statement. i could probably start with that phrase again and again, and be left with something different and yet meaningful every time. maybe i will start doing that for a while. just the thought of doing that gives me comfort.
that is really what the goal is, right? what all of my searching has been about, the whole purpose of this journey of mental awareness. i want to be happy. i want to be as happy as possible, and enjoy my life as much as possible. i see no purpose in enforcing some sort of false set of boundaries on myself that says 'it is wrong to be be happy all of the time, so you need to dwell on these inconsequential sadnesses.' i am not denying the importance of balance, because expecting pure, constant happiness would be delusional, but we can choose which emotions we want to embrace and keep relevant at the forefront of our lives, and which emotions we want to acknowledge, then own, then reincorporate into the background.
so yes, i do love life unconditionally. thank you ryan, and lightheaded for making me aware of this fact. i am practically glowing right now with the implications of that statement. he is right, that is such a multilayered statement. i could probably start with that phrase again and again, and be left with something different and yet meaningful every time. maybe i will start doing that for a while. just the thought of doing that gives me comfort.
Monday, June 22, 2009
she did it! she went and said it before i could work up the nerve to say it myself, and it made me so happy. now i get to hunt for the right words and the right time to return the emotional impact. and yes, i realize i just broadcasted that in full view, but that makes it more fun. i am a mischievous little monkey, and sometimes i like to play games
Sunday, June 21, 2009
my mind is suddenly at ease. my recent stretch of horrific luck in warfish can be attributed to my recent stretch of fantastic luck in real life. thus, warfish becomes a karmic blow-off valve shielding me from out of control regression to the mean. oh warfish, i can't wait until my debt has been repaid.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
oh god, visitors! sweep the dust bunnies under the bed. everyone act witty and thought provoking!
so, i bet you would like me to start dissecting myself in strange ways. i know that is why i am here. i am sure whatever i rev myself up about will tie back into ryan's little caloric burning cycle information flow correlation. i've had that on my mind, so really anything i have been dwelling on can be directly attributed to that. but yes, let us delve into me and then use that specific microscope lens to see what we can learn about.
something i seem to keep touching on is the communication disconnect between my brain and my mouth. oddly enough, the easiest evidence of this is right here. for me, words just flow onto the page. i can spin them off my fingertips, and watch them coalesce in multilayered metaphor. it taps into a deeper level of subconsciousness than my normal verbal interactions. sometimes this bothers me, it makes me feel somewhat fractured, like there is one personality i can see glimpses of, some overriding being controlling everything that my outward body can't quite reach, but i no longer think it is really a full offshoot of myself. we are both the same people, there is just a different level of completeness to its outward realization? i am not sure if i phrased that right...
alright, so, i think it is more a function of introversion. speaking to mine at least, there is a place inside that as an introvert i go, constantly. i consider it the real, fully functional me. the outside world doesn't get to interact with it fully. the outside world gets to see what i expose of it. in the past i have referred to it as my soul, or the real me, or the consciousness inside me i am constantly trying to connect to. those are all correct, but they aren't quite on target. i think what i am referring to is the full breadth of my mind. the total sum of my knowledge, intelligence, and experiences. when i think about it this way, it makes sense that i can't simply tap into it at will, because it is such a huge and powerful force. to use ryan's comparison, if i tried to use all of that potential at once, it would start a fire. so what we end up with is a slower stream of information transfer. instead of instantly downloading all of the pertinent knowledge, we get something more akin to the data flow between two computers, it is more of a consistent communication than a savage wresting away of knowledge.
so if this is happening internally between my functioning consciousness and the full knowledge base that operates above everything, it seems only natural that the same thing would happen when my functioning consciousness has to externalize itself. sometimes that does happen. now that i am riding these associations, things are dropping into place. because you can open those floodgates. you can overload people with information when you get overly excited, or overly focused on one thing, and when you do it can end up as an intense jet of concentrated thought that descends into gibberish for everyone but yourself.
so, yes, there is something else in here. when you look into my eyes and see more beneath the surface, or when you read between the lines of what i am saying and pick up deeper meaning, that is not just imaginary. there is another person back there. and yes, it is frustrating to not be able to connect directly to that person. because really, that is the person you want to know, the person of real interest. that is the person we all want to know. as frustrating as it is to you, floating on the periphery of my mind, experiencing fleeting contact, it is borderline maddening to me, sitting in here constantly trying to break down the barriers and retake what is rightfully mine. because that is my knowledge; those are my thoughts. it kills me to know that they are there, and that i don't have the complete access to them that i want. so, i come here, and i learn a little more. someday, i will have co opted the rest of who i am, and the full extent of myself will be realized. until then, we get this nice little shell of a person. because it is a fine person, a fully satisfying person, but it is not what it could be. there is more. i would say more to know and be, but i already know and am these things. more to reclaim as my own, i guess?
i don't know, i am trailing off into complete esoteria right now. i should quit while i am ahead.
so, i bet you would like me to start dissecting myself in strange ways. i know that is why i am here. i am sure whatever i rev myself up about will tie back into ryan's little caloric burning cycle information flow correlation. i've had that on my mind, so really anything i have been dwelling on can be directly attributed to that. but yes, let us delve into me and then use that specific microscope lens to see what we can learn about.
something i seem to keep touching on is the communication disconnect between my brain and my mouth. oddly enough, the easiest evidence of this is right here. for me, words just flow onto the page. i can spin them off my fingertips, and watch them coalesce in multilayered metaphor. it taps into a deeper level of subconsciousness than my normal verbal interactions. sometimes this bothers me, it makes me feel somewhat fractured, like there is one personality i can see glimpses of, some overriding being controlling everything that my outward body can't quite reach, but i no longer think it is really a full offshoot of myself. we are both the same people, there is just a different level of completeness to its outward realization? i am not sure if i phrased that right...
alright, so, i think it is more a function of introversion. speaking to mine at least, there is a place inside that as an introvert i go, constantly. i consider it the real, fully functional me. the outside world doesn't get to interact with it fully. the outside world gets to see what i expose of it. in the past i have referred to it as my soul, or the real me, or the consciousness inside me i am constantly trying to connect to. those are all correct, but they aren't quite on target. i think what i am referring to is the full breadth of my mind. the total sum of my knowledge, intelligence, and experiences. when i think about it this way, it makes sense that i can't simply tap into it at will, because it is such a huge and powerful force. to use ryan's comparison, if i tried to use all of that potential at once, it would start a fire. so what we end up with is a slower stream of information transfer. instead of instantly downloading all of the pertinent knowledge, we get something more akin to the data flow between two computers, it is more of a consistent communication than a savage wresting away of knowledge.
so if this is happening internally between my functioning consciousness and the full knowledge base that operates above everything, it seems only natural that the same thing would happen when my functioning consciousness has to externalize itself. sometimes that does happen. now that i am riding these associations, things are dropping into place. because you can open those floodgates. you can overload people with information when you get overly excited, or overly focused on one thing, and when you do it can end up as an intense jet of concentrated thought that descends into gibberish for everyone but yourself.
so, yes, there is something else in here. when you look into my eyes and see more beneath the surface, or when you read between the lines of what i am saying and pick up deeper meaning, that is not just imaginary. there is another person back there. and yes, it is frustrating to not be able to connect directly to that person. because really, that is the person you want to know, the person of real interest. that is the person we all want to know. as frustrating as it is to you, floating on the periphery of my mind, experiencing fleeting contact, it is borderline maddening to me, sitting in here constantly trying to break down the barriers and retake what is rightfully mine. because that is my knowledge; those are my thoughts. it kills me to know that they are there, and that i don't have the complete access to them that i want. so, i come here, and i learn a little more. someday, i will have co opted the rest of who i am, and the full extent of myself will be realized. until then, we get this nice little shell of a person. because it is a fine person, a fully satisfying person, but it is not what it could be. there is more. i would say more to know and be, but i already know and am these things. more to reclaim as my own, i guess?
i don't know, i am trailing off into complete esoteria right now. i should quit while i am ahead.
Sunday, June 07, 2009
here, we have words playing in their natural habitat. watch, as they bound around their enclosure, oblivious to the entranced onlookers hovering above them.
when i get annoyed at myself, in particular my writing, this is where i should return. it happens, you return to your previous flirtations with genius, and there is, a steaming pile of muddled and mediocre pretension. and you say to yourself, 'who is this fool? how did i ever think this had any sort of value?' and it is a blow, it causes legitimate physical pain. however, our cute little personificative paragraph (-oh god, this deserves its own little side note. i originally put alliterative, but i realized that was wrong figure of speech. so now, because i can't figure out how to describe giving non-living objects animal traits, i put personification down. i somewhat enjoy the irony of the thought that the people are the ones in the zoo being observed. i imagine it is animals above, watching them below. anyways, so now that i did that, we are left with an alliteration. oh words! anyways, what would the word be? lets make something up. animification? zooification? faunification? my vote is for animification) above is where everything starts. before we study ourselves, or the world around us, or the existential, or the abstract, we study language and words. we come to see how we communicate, how we combine words to transmit ideas. it is all about wordplay.
so, lets play. i am in a playful mood anyways. i have been sharing too much information. more, i have too much information to share, and i don't think i should be sharing it all, but some of it just comes out because i am not very good at keeping secrets. which begs the point, should i really be keeping any of it secret? do i really follow social norms enough to not talk about the things that are important to me? it is one thing to keep information back from people who don't deserve it, but from my friends, or family? bah, i don't know. i am still so very wary of my interaction with women, especially women i am involved with. it usually doesn't go well for me when i don't have some sort of filter over my actions and words. i think this is because i haven't had a girl who was a good fit for me. that is weird for me to say, but there it is. i've found a girl enough like me, and i have tiptoed along my lines of action and words long enough that i can start stripping some of those filters off. i guess they served their purpose? was their purpose merely to expose the obvious fallacy of their existence? so yeah, they didn't have a purpose, but they made me feel better about myself. they helped me from sabotaging something by letting my tripped out emotions whip me into an overenthusiastic frenzy. that is what they are there for, to keep me from dumping the entirety of my eccentricity onto someone without warning. actually, you have no idea how nice it has been, feeling like the slightly more reserved one at the beginning of things. i am just cautious, i guess, guarded, because since i don't do this often, and wait until there is what i perceive to be a real connection, i usually just put myself out there and charge ahead and it creates a bigger drop for me to crash from. when i am like that, i tend to sweep people up into my swirling emotions, and up we go , so when eventually they shake off the haze they feel like they have made a mistake because they were experiencing my emotions and not their own. it isn't like i have been hiding things, or even suppressing my emotions, i have just tried to keep things on a scale that i can wrap my head around at the start here, to give us both the space to get a handle on things. and now, i feel like the filters have been dropped one by one, or not dropped, they just haven't really been needed or used, and so they are obsolete. and i am happy, and i think i make her happy. and things just seem to get better, and we find more and more that we have in common the more levels we expose to each other. so, i shouldn't say they didn't serve a purpose. their purpose was to keep me comfortable with myself until they weren't needed.
so yes, i am happy, and there is this girl who dropped into my life out of nowhere. that is the part i am still trying to wrap my head around. where did this girl come from? how does she even exist, and how did she end up in the tiny little bubble i live in? i leave a pretty tight little life here, there isn't much room for overlap with the rest of the world. and yet, here we are.
see, see, jesus, here we are. even on my blog, i haven't been posting about it. shit, you probably have noticed that, i have said nothing, like NOTHING on this subject until right now, to the point of not even posting at all. why? because my blog was caught behind those filters, perceived to be part of the potential problems i create for myself. i am trying to figure it out. did i handle this better than usual? i'll never know, because i don't think it would have mattered at all. the only real mistake i could have made is not asking her out, or rejecting her when she asked me out after i didn't. because i am pretty sure she would have. she has basically told me as much, which i very much enjoyed hearing.
you know, this is a pointless discussion anyways. it helped me. whether or not it was good to hold myself back doesn't matter at all, because it helped me, so it was positive, and there is no denying the current results. lets bring this back to me. separating myself from everything, holding certain information back helps me, whether it is just information i don't want to share, or if it is information i am still trying to process, or it is information i don't think you should have, it helps me keep things flowing smoothly. sit down brain! learn from this. all of this. LEARN DAMN YOU. i don't even know exactly what the lesson is right now. something about information flow, that seems to be what this whole conversation has been about. i think that more could be said, but i am kind of spent. i'll have to come back to this, this has a decidedly incomplete feeling
when i get annoyed at myself, in particular my writing, this is where i should return. it happens, you return to your previous flirtations with genius, and there is, a steaming pile of muddled and mediocre pretension. and you say to yourself, 'who is this fool? how did i ever think this had any sort of value?' and it is a blow, it causes legitimate physical pain. however, our cute little personificative paragraph (-oh god, this deserves its own little side note. i originally put alliterative, but i realized that was wrong figure of speech. so now, because i can't figure out how to describe giving non-living objects animal traits, i put personification down. i somewhat enjoy the irony of the thought that the people are the ones in the zoo being observed. i imagine it is animals above, watching them below. anyways, so now that i did that, we are left with an alliteration. oh words! anyways, what would the word be? lets make something up. animification? zooification? faunification? my vote is for animification) above is where everything starts. before we study ourselves, or the world around us, or the existential, or the abstract, we study language and words. we come to see how we communicate, how we combine words to transmit ideas. it is all about wordplay.
so, lets play. i am in a playful mood anyways. i have been sharing too much information. more, i have too much information to share, and i don't think i should be sharing it all, but some of it just comes out because i am not very good at keeping secrets. which begs the point, should i really be keeping any of it secret? do i really follow social norms enough to not talk about the things that are important to me? it is one thing to keep information back from people who don't deserve it, but from my friends, or family? bah, i don't know. i am still so very wary of my interaction with women, especially women i am involved with. it usually doesn't go well for me when i don't have some sort of filter over my actions and words. i think this is because i haven't had a girl who was a good fit for me. that is weird for me to say, but there it is. i've found a girl enough like me, and i have tiptoed along my lines of action and words long enough that i can start stripping some of those filters off. i guess they served their purpose? was their purpose merely to expose the obvious fallacy of their existence? so yeah, they didn't have a purpose, but they made me feel better about myself. they helped me from sabotaging something by letting my tripped out emotions whip me into an overenthusiastic frenzy. that is what they are there for, to keep me from dumping the entirety of my eccentricity onto someone without warning. actually, you have no idea how nice it has been, feeling like the slightly more reserved one at the beginning of things. i am just cautious, i guess, guarded, because since i don't do this often, and wait until there is what i perceive to be a real connection, i usually just put myself out there and charge ahead and it creates a bigger drop for me to crash from. when i am like that, i tend to sweep people up into my swirling emotions, and up we go , so when eventually they shake off the haze they feel like they have made a mistake because they were experiencing my emotions and not their own. it isn't like i have been hiding things, or even suppressing my emotions, i have just tried to keep things on a scale that i can wrap my head around at the start here, to give us both the space to get a handle on things. and now, i feel like the filters have been dropped one by one, or not dropped, they just haven't really been needed or used, and so they are obsolete. and i am happy, and i think i make her happy. and things just seem to get better, and we find more and more that we have in common the more levels we expose to each other. so, i shouldn't say they didn't serve a purpose. their purpose was to keep me comfortable with myself until they weren't needed.
so yes, i am happy, and there is this girl who dropped into my life out of nowhere. that is the part i am still trying to wrap my head around. where did this girl come from? how does she even exist, and how did she end up in the tiny little bubble i live in? i leave a pretty tight little life here, there isn't much room for overlap with the rest of the world. and yet, here we are.
see, see, jesus, here we are. even on my blog, i haven't been posting about it. shit, you probably have noticed that, i have said nothing, like NOTHING on this subject until right now, to the point of not even posting at all. why? because my blog was caught behind those filters, perceived to be part of the potential problems i create for myself. i am trying to figure it out. did i handle this better than usual? i'll never know, because i don't think it would have mattered at all. the only real mistake i could have made is not asking her out, or rejecting her when she asked me out after i didn't. because i am pretty sure she would have. she has basically told me as much, which i very much enjoyed hearing.
you know, this is a pointless discussion anyways. it helped me. whether or not it was good to hold myself back doesn't matter at all, because it helped me, so it was positive, and there is no denying the current results. lets bring this back to me. separating myself from everything, holding certain information back helps me, whether it is just information i don't want to share, or if it is information i am still trying to process, or it is information i don't think you should have, it helps me keep things flowing smoothly. sit down brain! learn from this. all of this. LEARN DAMN YOU. i don't even know exactly what the lesson is right now. something about information flow, that seems to be what this whole conversation has been about. i think that more could be said, but i am kind of spent. i'll have to come back to this, this has a decidedly incomplete feeling
Friday, June 05, 2009
it is time, you and i to go on a little journey through me. let us not be social. let us be familiar. watch what minutia is important to me. what are the things i hide from polite society, and yet still hold impact. just by general comparison, those things have to have more sway. they are the things important enough to protect and shield from scrutiny, because despite their apparent aberrant nature, they have been deemed irreplaceable.
sitting here, i see 3 empty bottles of drifter pale ale. only one from tonight though, at this juncture. not so oddly, i feel like finishing off the last of my currently drinkable 22's of my own pale ale. these two beers will forever be linked in my mind. i found them at the same time, and so drifter has been my comparison, not because of their similarity, but more in terms of a quantification of quality. how different are they, on a scale of good beers? i don't know, i am biased. i like my beer better, but that is only because i recognize exactly where its weak points came from, so i can forgive them. drifter has no weak points, but peach fuzz has the higher potential in my opinion, in terms of my tastes. at the moment, it is not better. and yet, i still rate it higher, mostly out of vanity. the key point to me, my beer was in the neighborhood in terms of beer quality, close enough that i could make comparisons and not feel unjustified. we will see how peach fuzz II turns out. tomorrow, it goes in the bucket. next friday into bottles. the friday after, my brain banana via my stomach. the recipe changed a little though, due to changes in grain availability. so i am skeptical. i mean, even with the exact same recipe, i can't go in with the expectations of it automatically tasting similar or being as good as my first batch. so changing it, i will just have to taste it. i am still excited though. i am so happy with the first one, and i have made a conscious effort to make the second one better based on the objective analysis of the first attempt. and it is already in the works. i did the hard part, the scientifically sensitive part. now i just have to get it into a container capable of storing it for a suitable period of time. that is all it really is, transferring liquid twice.
wow, ok, so now that i've regrouped from my various distractions and actually gotten my beer, i am finally realizing how awesome this glass ryan gave me is. barring improper carbonation, you can carefully pour off a full homebrewed 22, and leave a perfect amount of pinger crap on the bottom to contain the yeast and keep it out of your glass. thank you.
sitting here, i see 3 empty bottles of drifter pale ale. only one from tonight though, at this juncture. not so oddly, i feel like finishing off the last of my currently drinkable 22's of my own pale ale. these two beers will forever be linked in my mind. i found them at the same time, and so drifter has been my comparison, not because of their similarity, but more in terms of a quantification of quality. how different are they, on a scale of good beers? i don't know, i am biased. i like my beer better, but that is only because i recognize exactly where its weak points came from, so i can forgive them. drifter has no weak points, but peach fuzz has the higher potential in my opinion, in terms of my tastes. at the moment, it is not better. and yet, i still rate it higher, mostly out of vanity. the key point to me, my beer was in the neighborhood in terms of beer quality, close enough that i could make comparisons and not feel unjustified. we will see how peach fuzz II turns out. tomorrow, it goes in the bucket. next friday into bottles. the friday after, my brain banana via my stomach. the recipe changed a little though, due to changes in grain availability. so i am skeptical. i mean, even with the exact same recipe, i can't go in with the expectations of it automatically tasting similar or being as good as my first batch. so changing it, i will just have to taste it. i am still excited though. i am so happy with the first one, and i have made a conscious effort to make the second one better based on the objective analysis of the first attempt. and it is already in the works. i did the hard part, the scientifically sensitive part. now i just have to get it into a container capable of storing it for a suitable period of time. that is all it really is, transferring liquid twice.
wow, ok, so now that i've regrouped from my various distractions and actually gotten my beer, i am finally realizing how awesome this glass ryan gave me is. barring improper carbonation, you can carefully pour off a full homebrewed 22, and leave a perfect amount of pinger crap on the bottom to contain the yeast and keep it out of your glass. thank you.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
where to go, where to go little brain. tell me, why do you deserve a vacation? are you really content to follow along, awash in giddy afterglow? hiding will only make things worse, because i will flush you out, and if i catch you unawares you will look like quite the fool. now i have you cornered, and you will dance for me.
lets talk intuition. this is a conversation thread that keeps popping up, yet i have avoided for some reason. it has come up with mixed connotations, ones that i was unsure how to approach. we humans do have a knack for sniffing out unseen clues. we get premonitions that we often dismiss, i won't go as far as saying that this is to our detriment. i am a believer in intuition, for sure, but i am not exactly a servant to it. there comes a certain point at which focusing on premonition fosters a sort of sympathetic intuitive loop in which everything becomes some sort of sign or signal. this is something i am wary of, because it drowns out real insight in a white noise of false pattern recognition.
this is such a touchy subject with me. it is such a vital part of what makes my mind work for me instead of against me, but it falls into a huge grey area that has the capability of bringing down my whole mental structure. precognition has such a supernatural context, but that is not where i am coming from with it. to me, it is more a side effect, a tool to be drawn upon, and yet to me still totally unreliable. well, unreliable may be the wrong word. unpredictable maybe? in any case, i can't foster my own intuitive leaps. that is probably the toughest aspect to accept, and why people who become slaves to their intuition ultimately end up hindering themselves. forewarning is not foreknowledge without the proper context, so unnecessary action based on a threat that is simply perceived instead of actualized can be harmful, potentially a sort of mental psychosomatism that can lead to delusional paranoia.
even having to put these caveats out there hurts me. like i said, my intuition is a huge part of who i am, and one of the main factors in how i choose to lead my life. i would never be able to adopt such a heedless, nonchalant attitude without a deep trust in my intuition, because i can be a fairly paranoid person. without a certain amount of foreknowledge, i get uncomfortable. and yet here i am, far from crippled. i can approach situations with a certain amount of confidence due to the belief that my premonitions will fill in the gaps, and at least provide enough of a buffer to allow me to recognize and react to previously unseen threats. it is not something i can call out too, to draw on. i do not have the proper understanding of the process for that. that would be the ideal, to have a borderline clairvoyance, to be able to control the intuitive process and apply it at will to any situation, but i am far from that point. for now, i am happy that i can at least recognize my premonitions and incorporate that knowledge.
so yes, i believe in intuition and premonition. yes, i do rely heavily on these things, but it is more at a theoretical level, an abstract trust instead of a concrete usage. the device that controls this aspect of my brain is something of an unknown, and therefore unreliable. and so here we are, tightening our grasp...
lets talk intuition. this is a conversation thread that keeps popping up, yet i have avoided for some reason. it has come up with mixed connotations, ones that i was unsure how to approach. we humans do have a knack for sniffing out unseen clues. we get premonitions that we often dismiss, i won't go as far as saying that this is to our detriment. i am a believer in intuition, for sure, but i am not exactly a servant to it. there comes a certain point at which focusing on premonition fosters a sort of sympathetic intuitive loop in which everything becomes some sort of sign or signal. this is something i am wary of, because it drowns out real insight in a white noise of false pattern recognition.
this is such a touchy subject with me. it is such a vital part of what makes my mind work for me instead of against me, but it falls into a huge grey area that has the capability of bringing down my whole mental structure. precognition has such a supernatural context, but that is not where i am coming from with it. to me, it is more a side effect, a tool to be drawn upon, and yet to me still totally unreliable. well, unreliable may be the wrong word. unpredictable maybe? in any case, i can't foster my own intuitive leaps. that is probably the toughest aspect to accept, and why people who become slaves to their intuition ultimately end up hindering themselves. forewarning is not foreknowledge without the proper context, so unnecessary action based on a threat that is simply perceived instead of actualized can be harmful, potentially a sort of mental psychosomatism that can lead to delusional paranoia.
even having to put these caveats out there hurts me. like i said, my intuition is a huge part of who i am, and one of the main factors in how i choose to lead my life. i would never be able to adopt such a heedless, nonchalant attitude without a deep trust in my intuition, because i can be a fairly paranoid person. without a certain amount of foreknowledge, i get uncomfortable. and yet here i am, far from crippled. i can approach situations with a certain amount of confidence due to the belief that my premonitions will fill in the gaps, and at least provide enough of a buffer to allow me to recognize and react to previously unseen threats. it is not something i can call out too, to draw on. i do not have the proper understanding of the process for that. that would be the ideal, to have a borderline clairvoyance, to be able to control the intuitive process and apply it at will to any situation, but i am far from that point. for now, i am happy that i can at least recognize my premonitions and incorporate that knowledge.
so yes, i believe in intuition and premonition. yes, i do rely heavily on these things, but it is more at a theoretical level, an abstract trust instead of a concrete usage. the device that controls this aspect of my brain is something of an unknown, and therefore unreliable. and so here we are, tightening our grasp...
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
i am a ghost floating through the world. i am a glimpse of movement in your peripheral vision, something you briefly acknowledge before you go on your way. my influence is limited to a brief whisper of breath on the back of your neck, steering you towards good decisions, or at least the decisions you want to make for yourself. i only exist concretely in memories, forgotten until random association steers your mind back to me. and then i flit away again.
if only this were the case.
if only i could exist as an observer, above and behind, watching and exerting scant influence on the things around me. if only i didn't have influence.
this is a departure from the past. i have always pretended i am a ghost, that my actions and thoughts have no bearing on the world i live in. i have tried to duck responsibility and and accountability by decrying the world for not giving me access to such situations. i don't think that was really the case. if my thoughts don't have the influence they should, that is because i haven't asserted them. i do impact the world around me, probably more than most. when i talk, people listen. when i say things need to be done, people do them. when i have an idea, more often than not, other people can see the value in it, and use it for their own betterment. i am fully capable of asserting my will on the world around me. in fact, i think people would probably rather i asserted myself more. and, i have been lately. sometimes, i have to purposefully not make a decision when the outcome doesn't matter, so other people can access those critical thinking neurons and work through problems on their own. there will always be a part of me that wants other people to make choices for me, so i don't have to take that weight, but that part doesn't rule me any more. i feel a bit sheepish when i notice it happening, when i have already made a decision, and am actively working towards its realization along with other people, and still act as if there are choices to be made. 'what do you want to do now?' someone asks, and i simply say 'i don't know, but lets go this direction.' 'ok' and so we walk, and talk, and eventually it comes out 'i have been wanting to do this, which just so happens to be in this direction we are already walking.' 'so we do have something we are doing...' '...yes, i suppose we do.' it is a stupid little game, in case my decision disappoints. oh the disappointment! what will happen if someone doesn't fully validate my every waking movement! how would i ever survive without the full approval of everyone at every time!
as i gain more experience, i suppose i am losing that need for approval and replacing it with a need for expedited action. why waste the time when you already know what should be done, or at least what could be done without detriment? there is always a line to draw, i mean, i rail against control enough that i am sensitive to the fact that i can enforce my will almost without abandon if it really comes to that, though part of that stems from the fact that i don't actively seek control, so when i do impose myself, it is probably for good reason.
it all comes back to my long, drawn out and painful campaign to shed myself of unnecessary passive aggressive tendencies. i know i will never be able to fully rid myself of them, they were what i was raised on, but i can at least do whatever i can to nullify their negative impacts. that in itself points to a decisiveness that shouts 'progress!'
if only this were the case.
if only i could exist as an observer, above and behind, watching and exerting scant influence on the things around me. if only i didn't have influence.
this is a departure from the past. i have always pretended i am a ghost, that my actions and thoughts have no bearing on the world i live in. i have tried to duck responsibility and and accountability by decrying the world for not giving me access to such situations. i don't think that was really the case. if my thoughts don't have the influence they should, that is because i haven't asserted them. i do impact the world around me, probably more than most. when i talk, people listen. when i say things need to be done, people do them. when i have an idea, more often than not, other people can see the value in it, and use it for their own betterment. i am fully capable of asserting my will on the world around me. in fact, i think people would probably rather i asserted myself more. and, i have been lately. sometimes, i have to purposefully not make a decision when the outcome doesn't matter, so other people can access those critical thinking neurons and work through problems on their own. there will always be a part of me that wants other people to make choices for me, so i don't have to take that weight, but that part doesn't rule me any more. i feel a bit sheepish when i notice it happening, when i have already made a decision, and am actively working towards its realization along with other people, and still act as if there are choices to be made. 'what do you want to do now?' someone asks, and i simply say 'i don't know, but lets go this direction.' 'ok' and so we walk, and talk, and eventually it comes out 'i have been wanting to do this, which just so happens to be in this direction we are already walking.' 'so we do have something we are doing...' '...yes, i suppose we do.' it is a stupid little game, in case my decision disappoints. oh the disappointment! what will happen if someone doesn't fully validate my every waking movement! how would i ever survive without the full approval of everyone at every time!
as i gain more experience, i suppose i am losing that need for approval and replacing it with a need for expedited action. why waste the time when you already know what should be done, or at least what could be done without detriment? there is always a line to draw, i mean, i rail against control enough that i am sensitive to the fact that i can enforce my will almost without abandon if it really comes to that, though part of that stems from the fact that i don't actively seek control, so when i do impose myself, it is probably for good reason.
it all comes back to my long, drawn out and painful campaign to shed myself of unnecessary passive aggressive tendencies. i know i will never be able to fully rid myself of them, they were what i was raised on, but i can at least do whatever i can to nullify their negative impacts. that in itself points to a decisiveness that shouts 'progress!'
Sunday, May 17, 2009
i can't do this daze justice, so i'll put this little blurb here to keep you frothing for information.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
ah! blah! think of me as frank grimes after eating dinner at the simpson household. ben, or grimey as he liked to be called has just spontaneously dissembled. i feel that as of late, i have been piggybacking off of ryans posts, but that is fine. ideas are usually the offspring of other ideas, and where else better to receive inspiration. but anyways, we are now launching ourselves into ryan's brainsphere. more, he just created a singularity that has caught me in its gravitational field.
this bag of fluids. boiled down to basic chemistry. emotions are experienced when certain chemicals interact in specific ways. if my emotions sync with someone you can imply that you are firing the same chemicals in the same manner. your chemistry is aligned. if you share personality traits, how would this be expressed? an alignment of your default concentrations, the stasis of mixture? the stasis of various mixtures in various parts of your brain in harmony? this is where i am getting confused, because i don't want to be just a sac, a randomly shifting mass of fluids. i think i am missing something, and that is why i feel so thrown to the wind. the scope just seems way off. it is true, but there is more. this is a system of chemicals. there are structures of molecules that form solid masses. there are methods of chemical creation and distribution that suggest the mere chemicals aren't the entirety of the operation. but when you break everything down, that is all anything is, chemicals paired with other chemicals. so why the mind. why the nervous system. why the very distinct and universal emotions. what am i missing.
picking through ryan's junk, i keep coming back to one thing from the beginning. environment! what environment are these chemicals working in. i am going to use this bag of fluids in my favor and simplify things for myself greatly. we are talking about the chemicals that make up the self, not the bag itself. the entire system holding the chemicals is now a separate topic, because merging the chemicals of self with the chemicals that makes up the bag is making me merge them with the chemicals that make up that lamp, and that is just descending into nihilism, and fuck nihilism. it is the ultimate defeat. and the fact that i can say fuck nihilism means that i am not defeated. so we get to at least separate the body from the mind, and look at them as two entities, for the moment. just so i can at least get a handle on things and find a way to have a self again.
so lets break this down again into a way i can get a handle on it. i sometimes see my body as a giant computer. a system of parts assembled to perform tasks on a level well well beyond any of the single parts. so far beyond, that the system almost forms its own alternate awareness that ends up controlling the system itself. the self? the mind? i would see this as the data itself? that seems like the only logical way to put it. which brings us back to the brain splashing. what happens when you lose a hard drive? you get a new one and rebuild your data system. except, i always rebuild my computers in the image of the old system. and actually, the new system usually has crazy patched together fixes to incorporate those parts of the old system left over. like right now i have my data split fragmented between two main places because something died, and the new configuration couldn't be held in the exact same way due to the evolution of the system. i could have rebuilt it the same way, or scrapped the old parts of the system and replicated those in the basic forms of the new system, but both of those would have take more time and energy than just linking things up the way they are now. and in the long run, when i end up finding an upgrade that can maintain both parts of the system in tandem, the whole of the new system will be better than either the old system or the rebuilt new system because it will incorporate them both. so, what if something did get splashed? how would those parts left behind react to the situation? they are expecting to interact with the missing system, and we know that SOMETHING will be implemented in its place, because the body will always seek to heal itself. lets look at some sort of hemorrhage that wipes out some vital sector of the brain. wipes the data clean. either that hemorrhage heals, or it kills you, so lets say it does heal, but you are left without a portion of what makes up your personality. everything else will still initial be operating based on the way the system was. it will have certain expectations when it calls that data sector, and that, to me, points that these data calls will slowly rebuild some sort of shadow system in its placed based on the need of the data to continue flowing unabated. because if the flow of data stops, then there are serious problems, beyond a simple splash of blood. but this shadow system doesn't necessarily have to be the same. without its own preexisting form, will it rebuild itself in a more optimal configuration? what if it start rebuilding itself in a way is more efficient, and increases the overall potential of the system.
it is a tightrope walk, because we are basically working without a backup, but even that is not long for this world. eventually, they will be able to recreate a digital image of the brain, and new ways to communicate with the data held therein. but right now, we have to fend for ourselves.
so... the brain splashing isn't as huge an issue as it was two hours ago. i've earned a brief respite... pant pant pant
this bag of fluids. boiled down to basic chemistry. emotions are experienced when certain chemicals interact in specific ways. if my emotions sync with someone you can imply that you are firing the same chemicals in the same manner. your chemistry is aligned. if you share personality traits, how would this be expressed? an alignment of your default concentrations, the stasis of mixture? the stasis of various mixtures in various parts of your brain in harmony? this is where i am getting confused, because i don't want to be just a sac, a randomly shifting mass of fluids. i think i am missing something, and that is why i feel so thrown to the wind. the scope just seems way off. it is true, but there is more. this is a system of chemicals. there are structures of molecules that form solid masses. there are methods of chemical creation and distribution that suggest the mere chemicals aren't the entirety of the operation. but when you break everything down, that is all anything is, chemicals paired with other chemicals. so why the mind. why the nervous system. why the very distinct and universal emotions. what am i missing.
picking through ryan's junk, i keep coming back to one thing from the beginning. environment! what environment are these chemicals working in. i am going to use this bag of fluids in my favor and simplify things for myself greatly. we are talking about the chemicals that make up the self, not the bag itself. the entire system holding the chemicals is now a separate topic, because merging the chemicals of self with the chemicals that makes up the bag is making me merge them with the chemicals that make up that lamp, and that is just descending into nihilism, and fuck nihilism. it is the ultimate defeat. and the fact that i can say fuck nihilism means that i am not defeated. so we get to at least separate the body from the mind, and look at them as two entities, for the moment. just so i can at least get a handle on things and find a way to have a self again.
so lets break this down again into a way i can get a handle on it. i sometimes see my body as a giant computer. a system of parts assembled to perform tasks on a level well well beyond any of the single parts. so far beyond, that the system almost forms its own alternate awareness that ends up controlling the system itself. the self? the mind? i would see this as the data itself? that seems like the only logical way to put it. which brings us back to the brain splashing. what happens when you lose a hard drive? you get a new one and rebuild your data system. except, i always rebuild my computers in the image of the old system. and actually, the new system usually has crazy patched together fixes to incorporate those parts of the old system left over. like right now i have my data split fragmented between two main places because something died, and the new configuration couldn't be held in the exact same way due to the evolution of the system. i could have rebuilt it the same way, or scrapped the old parts of the system and replicated those in the basic forms of the new system, but both of those would have take more time and energy than just linking things up the way they are now. and in the long run, when i end up finding an upgrade that can maintain both parts of the system in tandem, the whole of the new system will be better than either the old system or the rebuilt new system because it will incorporate them both. so, what if something did get splashed? how would those parts left behind react to the situation? they are expecting to interact with the missing system, and we know that SOMETHING will be implemented in its place, because the body will always seek to heal itself. lets look at some sort of hemorrhage that wipes out some vital sector of the brain. wipes the data clean. either that hemorrhage heals, or it kills you, so lets say it does heal, but you are left without a portion of what makes up your personality. everything else will still initial be operating based on the way the system was. it will have certain expectations when it calls that data sector, and that, to me, points that these data calls will slowly rebuild some sort of shadow system in its placed based on the need of the data to continue flowing unabated. because if the flow of data stops, then there are serious problems, beyond a simple splash of blood. but this shadow system doesn't necessarily have to be the same. without its own preexisting form, will it rebuild itself in a more optimal configuration? what if it start rebuilding itself in a way is more efficient, and increases the overall potential of the system.
it is a tightrope walk, because we are basically working without a backup, but even that is not long for this world. eventually, they will be able to recreate a digital image of the brain, and new ways to communicate with the data held therein. but right now, we have to fend for ourselves.
so... the brain splashing isn't as huge an issue as it was two hours ago. i've earned a brief respite... pant pant pant
the bag of fluids idea has my mind spinning. i hope i can revisit, because my thoughts are just jumping around right now, and there is no way coherency can be obtained. i am having this visions of a liquid cooled computer, except those liquids also runs through the circuitry, and this system has become my new body. i think i need to give it wheels, because being immobile would be very inconvenient... my sense of self has literally just been shattered, and i don't think this is a bad thing.
goddammit ryan, now i am all paranoid about splashing blood on my brain and turning into a different person. what if i splashed my typing neurons??? or my grammar neurons?????? WHO WOULD I BE!! WHO WOULD I FUCKING BE BUT A FREAKING SAC (A FREAKING SAC WITH NO K!!!!)
goddammit ryan, now i am all paranoid about splashing blood on my brain and turning into a different person. what if i splashed my typing neurons??? or my grammar neurons?????? WHO WOULD I BE!! WHO WOULD I FUCKING BE BUT A FREAKING SAC (A FREAKING SAC WITH NO K!!!!)
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
i am here, blissfully trapped in the present. past and future have faded away. time is inconsequential. i don't even know what i want to happen, and i don't mind waiting to see. i find myself at a loss for words, and that intrigues me all the more. i do know i have found something that interests me, something worth my effort. the more exploration i do, the more curious i am...
and so, time stands still. my life swirls past, and i am here, standing in the center, waiting with a smile on my face.
and so, time stands still. my life swirls past, and i am here, standing in the center, waiting with a smile on my face.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
street trash, riff raff, i don't buy that. if only they'd look closer...
justifying my existence to myself. he's right, sometimes i feel that my whole existence is justifying my existence, that if i stopped stomping my feet like an impatient child, i would just fade away.
i should stop this, just end this line of thought. i read that all backwards anyways. that is the opposite of the point he was trying to make. an existence in need of justification is a facade. an existence, by its very presence justifies itself. still in some things, we are in disagreement at the moment. this, right here, around me, does belong to me. in my own way, it is the only thing that really does belong to me. everything else is fleeting. possessions can be walked away from, relationships drift in and out, but the mental landscape i have sculpted is mine and mine alone. i have carved this space out for myself so i don't have to wander aimlessly in look of a home. i don't have to rely on someone else to define all of this for me. i put my mental stamp on the entirety of existence, and because it is mine, i am not beholden to anything.
lets geek this up. it is like in battlestar, on the cylon baseship, the idea of projection. we all see the same base reality, but we don't all live entirely in that stage of perception. we exist in the same space, but we see things in our own way. we have our own mental area where our thoughts reside, where our mental processes occur. strip that away, and we are just bags of flesh blundering around on sheer instinct and emotion. sometimes, everyone is probably reduced to that. some people probably purposefully reduce themselves to that to avoid confusion, effort, fear, whatever makes them shy away from individuality. the rest of us, or the rest of me i should say, need that solace, that place within reality to make the journey comfortable. the cockpit in the spaceship of human experience. that place, that prism i watch the world through is most likely the closest i will ever come to defining the abstract idea of 'me', of what makes up the basis of my personal existence. it is the place we build in our own image of what is correct. we have to be able to make value judgments and say this is what i want, where i want to be, how i want to feel and act, and how i wish things were all the time.
that is what is at my core, where i retreat too. this is where i am comfortable. in the darkness, it is still a realized place. in the light, it is the filter that overlays the world. i guess i am saying i refuse to justify it anymore. if you question that which makes up mind, you are questioning me in my entirety, because what else is there but a bag of flesh flailing around based on genetic predisposition?
justifying my existence to myself. he's right, sometimes i feel that my whole existence is justifying my existence, that if i stopped stomping my feet like an impatient child, i would just fade away.
i should stop this, just end this line of thought. i read that all backwards anyways. that is the opposite of the point he was trying to make. an existence in need of justification is a facade. an existence, by its very presence justifies itself. still in some things, we are in disagreement at the moment. this, right here, around me, does belong to me. in my own way, it is the only thing that really does belong to me. everything else is fleeting. possessions can be walked away from, relationships drift in and out, but the mental landscape i have sculpted is mine and mine alone. i have carved this space out for myself so i don't have to wander aimlessly in look of a home. i don't have to rely on someone else to define all of this for me. i put my mental stamp on the entirety of existence, and because it is mine, i am not beholden to anything.
lets geek this up. it is like in battlestar, on the cylon baseship, the idea of projection. we all see the same base reality, but we don't all live entirely in that stage of perception. we exist in the same space, but we see things in our own way. we have our own mental area where our thoughts reside, where our mental processes occur. strip that away, and we are just bags of flesh blundering around on sheer instinct and emotion. sometimes, everyone is probably reduced to that. some people probably purposefully reduce themselves to that to avoid confusion, effort, fear, whatever makes them shy away from individuality. the rest of us, or the rest of me i should say, need that solace, that place within reality to make the journey comfortable. the cockpit in the spaceship of human experience. that place, that prism i watch the world through is most likely the closest i will ever come to defining the abstract idea of 'me', of what makes up the basis of my personal existence. it is the place we build in our own image of what is correct. we have to be able to make value judgments and say this is what i want, where i want to be, how i want to feel and act, and how i wish things were all the time.
that is what is at my core, where i retreat too. this is where i am comfortable. in the darkness, it is still a realized place. in the light, it is the filter that overlays the world. i guess i am saying i refuse to justify it anymore. if you question that which makes up mind, you are questioning me in my entirety, because what else is there but a bag of flesh flailing around based on genetic predisposition?
Monday, May 11, 2009
denial of context, here we come...
i am not really sure where i am, or where i am going. i am sitting here in limbo, just waiting, ensconced in the present. this immediate present, this particular moment holds nothing, thus my confusion. so, where do i drift? do i dredge into the past, and try to cull lessons from the vastness of my personal experiences? as vast as a pond! a man made pond that dries up every summer, and refills when the groundwater level rises again. it is a nice pond, i guess. somewhat overrun with bullfrogs. mistakes from the past that just keep breeding themselves, and now i can't get rid of them. i guess in need predatory life experiences, something stronger, yet less environmentally destructive. what eats bullfrogs? foxes? mongeese? this metaphor is certainly getting convoluted, but that is fine. it is supposed to lack context.
or, do i flit into the future. a future where apparently all we need is to be stronger than the mistakes of the past. that sounds fine. that will lead to a rosy future, for sure. magical roses that never wither and have no thorns. the future is bright indeed.
and so here we are, brimming with strength and a boundless future. sitting in my underwear, waiting to spring into action. always waiting. this moment in time is fine, i guess. dwelling on it keeps me from dwelling on other things, such as past mistakes and future unknowns.
i am not really sure where i am, or where i am going. i am sitting here in limbo, just waiting, ensconced in the present. this immediate present, this particular moment holds nothing, thus my confusion. so, where do i drift? do i dredge into the past, and try to cull lessons from the vastness of my personal experiences? as vast as a pond! a man made pond that dries up every summer, and refills when the groundwater level rises again. it is a nice pond, i guess. somewhat overrun with bullfrogs. mistakes from the past that just keep breeding themselves, and now i can't get rid of them. i guess in need predatory life experiences, something stronger, yet less environmentally destructive. what eats bullfrogs? foxes? mongeese? this metaphor is certainly getting convoluted, but that is fine. it is supposed to lack context.
or, do i flit into the future. a future where apparently all we need is to be stronger than the mistakes of the past. that sounds fine. that will lead to a rosy future, for sure. magical roses that never wither and have no thorns. the future is bright indeed.
and so here we are, brimming with strength and a boundless future. sitting in my underwear, waiting to spring into action. always waiting. this moment in time is fine, i guess. dwelling on it keeps me from dwelling on other things, such as past mistakes and future unknowns.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
i wake up to the warm glow of direct sunlight. i blink lazily at the expanse of open sky above me, clearing the sleep from my eyes. i can almost forget about the mass of concrete of steel beneath me. sometimes i pretend it is more air stretching between me and the ground. but these thoughts i merely acknowledge with a passing glance; i severed that tether between myself and earthly worries.
the hint of a breeze brushes across my skin, and adrenaline starts flowing through my veins. the gloss of sleep is instantly replaced with single-minded clarity. i rise from my bed, and walk to the edge. i look down at the street beneath me, watching life funnel its way through its man-made corridor. i unfold my wings, and jump.
headlong i fall, quickly gaining speed. i curl my wings until they just start to catch the air, using them to guide my free fall, not yet impede it. slowly i let them catch more and more air, and my path slowly starts to curve away from vertical. the ground is fast approaching, and i get that brief moment of fear that i have pushed things too far, that maybe this time my timing wasn't right, and i won't be able to catch myself before the ground snatches me back. then, at that perfect moment, i adjust my wings and bare down. the air becomes palpable, a physical object as i bend it to my will. i let it slide across me, ever supportive as my path starts to level out. with a rush of air, i reach the lower apex of my flight. dust swirls off the pavement as i fly past, and rocket back into the sky. the buildings rush past, and then i am free. the steel and concrete canyon slowly fades away, as i use the reflected heat radiating from it to lift me even higher. i could leave this little world, i am not bound by anything now, but i still draw great joy from these simple moments, my brief brushes with humanity.
the hint of a breeze brushes across my skin, and adrenaline starts flowing through my veins. the gloss of sleep is instantly replaced with single-minded clarity. i rise from my bed, and walk to the edge. i look down at the street beneath me, watching life funnel its way through its man-made corridor. i unfold my wings, and jump.
headlong i fall, quickly gaining speed. i curl my wings until they just start to catch the air, using them to guide my free fall, not yet impede it. slowly i let them catch more and more air, and my path slowly starts to curve away from vertical. the ground is fast approaching, and i get that brief moment of fear that i have pushed things too far, that maybe this time my timing wasn't right, and i won't be able to catch myself before the ground snatches me back. then, at that perfect moment, i adjust my wings and bare down. the air becomes palpable, a physical object as i bend it to my will. i let it slide across me, ever supportive as my path starts to level out. with a rush of air, i reach the lower apex of my flight. dust swirls off the pavement as i fly past, and rocket back into the sky. the buildings rush past, and then i am free. the steel and concrete canyon slowly fades away, as i use the reflected heat radiating from it to lift me even higher. i could leave this little world, i am not bound by anything now, but i still draw great joy from these simple moments, my brief brushes with humanity.
Thursday, May 07, 2009
oh, i forgot to mention. a few days ago, in my random archive perusal, i found that post about the dream i was talking about, the secret agenty one, with the dudes in the street, and oh man did it trigger a flood of memories. apparently i woke up when i was about to set off a soul bomb, which if i remember correctly was this machine that sent human souls as a weapon out of this vacuum cleaner looking thing in howling white streaks, kind of like a reverse-ghostbusters sort of thing. i also remembered the oppressive dread when i saw this guy on the street, and i knew i had to drop my rocket launcher and run because he was on a different level than me. all i will ever have is a hazy figure coming towards me, black suit and sunglasses, dark hair, upright back, before i ran. until i have that dream again, and maybe next time i will stand tall and face him. it might end with me getting shot in the head again though. those dreams usually end with me waking up fairly abruptly, but not always. sometimes, i slip into almost a dream within a dream, a sort of floating purgatory while i try to come to grips with what happened, and why i am not really dead. surviving being shot with a flamethrower and continuing the dream alive is one thing, but a bullet to the head has a sort of finality to it that is hard to escape.
my mind is clear. i sit here, staring ahead, with nothing in my vision but cloudless sky. the curvature of the atmosphere slowly begins to take shape as my line of sight shoots through the swirl of gasses into the darkness beyond. i fold the press of reflected light back towards myself, expanding my awareness of what lies beyond. which, in a very immediate sense, is absolutely nothing. this is the first feeling i am struck with. now that i have shifted my thinking beyond my container, there is nothing at all in any direction, and the scope it would take to finally reach something i would at this moment consider concrete is beyond my current comprehension. so i sit, and i wait. i study the nothingness, until i begin to sense patterns, little ripples of awareness that point towards some movement i can't currently perceive. soon, i can feel these subtle shifts in the new climate around me as i used to feel the breeze blow across my skin. i allow my thoughts to encompass its motion, and i there is movement once again. sight becomes an obsolete means of interpretation. i become a point on a grid, an ever expanding sphere in an ever infinite planar system. those concrete considerations are now merely encompassed and acknowledged as i flow into the world, just more bits of flotsam caught in the waves, just like me.
Wednesday, May 06, 2009
you know what, being me is a walk in the park. there is no great difficulty involved, i've removed all of that through a sort of cognizant apathy towards anything that seeks to induce effort without my approval. good luck, i say, getting me to do something i don't want to do. i guarantee you will decide it isn't so necessary before i start to care. that is the whole explanation, right there. everyone imposes their own little reality on the world based on their perceptions. i assert the right to impose mine as well. if something isn't relevant enough to crack my reality, you have to ask yourself whether it is really worth questioning the validity of what i can offer you.
so, what is this reality? i think for those my age, and those under me, the physical life we live is only a small portion of the life our minds live. we have grown up so immersed in media, our simulated life experience outstrips our actual experience. we have this mutated, yet immensely broad and varied knowledge base. we are prepared to live life as an awkward teenage superhero in hiding. we are prepared to wrestle with our morality as corrupt policemen. we are prepared to live life confined on a spaceship as bounty hunters. we decide what traits to clip from the hard lessons our favorite characters have learned. we are already a bunch of weary, yet utterly capable souls by the time we reach physical maturity. i saw a great quote today, something along the lines of "now, it is time for all the parents to die." we just sit back and stare, wondering what would happen if we pulled the strings. i just hope enough of us keep our sense of humor about things, instead of compromising our good judgment under the guise of opportunity.
so, what is this reality? i think for those my age, and those under me, the physical life we live is only a small portion of the life our minds live. we have grown up so immersed in media, our simulated life experience outstrips our actual experience. we have this mutated, yet immensely broad and varied knowledge base. we are prepared to live life as an awkward teenage superhero in hiding. we are prepared to wrestle with our morality as corrupt policemen. we are prepared to live life confined on a spaceship as bounty hunters. we decide what traits to clip from the hard lessons our favorite characters have learned. we are already a bunch of weary, yet utterly capable souls by the time we reach physical maturity. i saw a great quote today, something along the lines of "now, it is time for all the parents to die." we just sit back and stare, wondering what would happen if we pulled the strings. i just hope enough of us keep our sense of humor about things, instead of compromising our good judgment under the guise of opportunity.
Monday, May 04, 2009
i feel like i have been dropped off a cliff. it is all just me though, fueling the drop, and what else do i really need to about face an outlook at this point beyond the simple recognition of necessity? so there we go :) that emoticon was the visual representation of my attitude change.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
you know ryan, i have been thinking. i have been thinking about your dismay at the content of your posts, and the similarities they have with the posts of the past. i too have been digging through my old posts. at times i feel the same way. i see the same topics come up, and the time and page space i devoted to them that seemingly dwarfs what i put out now.
but it is ok. we aren't simply rehashing the past, without progress. every time we revisit one of these ideas or thought structures, we get a chance to clarify. every time, we become more concise and hit closer to the real point. sure, these post right now may have no bearing at the moment, but every time we slog through mud, we get closer to the crux of the idea at the core of the problem that drives us to contemplate the subject matter to begin with. even if it may seem similar, every time we write about these things, we have more ammunition, more axioms and theories we have accepted as truths, at least to the best of our knowledge. so, it is never a waste. every time we revisit a topic we get more of a glimpse of the answers we need to silence the the initial confusion that drove us to question and search blindly in the first place
even if it is simply railing against our current condition. isn't finding a way to come to grips with your surroundings vital to your mental health?
but it is ok. we aren't simply rehashing the past, without progress. every time we revisit one of these ideas or thought structures, we get a chance to clarify. every time, we become more concise and hit closer to the real point. sure, these post right now may have no bearing at the moment, but every time we slog through mud, we get closer to the crux of the idea at the core of the problem that drives us to contemplate the subject matter to begin with. even if it may seem similar, every time we write about these things, we have more ammunition, more axioms and theories we have accepted as truths, at least to the best of our knowledge. so, it is never a waste. every time we revisit a topic we get more of a glimpse of the answers we need to silence the the initial confusion that drove us to question and search blindly in the first place
even if it is simply railing against our current condition. isn't finding a way to come to grips with your surroundings vital to your mental health?
a broken man in a broken world..
but as a man, a single organism, i can hold the pieces together. everything else lacks the desire for cohesion.
the problem i see, with the order of things as we sit here is the underestimation of intelligence. i see people like myself, who have true natural aptitude completely unwilling to apply it because they have a simple ability to comprehend. we have tolerated a certain amount of manipulation throughout our lives, and seen it lead to ruin almost without fail. there comes a point where one can no longer condone the complete bastardization of ones efforts. ironically, it becomes a question of morality. allowing those you affiliate yourself with to inflict harm without questioning makes you guilty by association. you either remove said affiliation, or you are aiding their goals.
i see those with functional intelligence, with true aptitude instead of the ability to create the illusion of competence slowly making themselves unavailable.
it is a shame.
i curse my luck sometimes
i am apoplectic. it hurts me that i came of age in the time i did. i feel that i have witnessed a blight on civilization. i have literally retreated to the point that i have one reason, one person to derive motivation from. based on the fact that i care about this one person, i have become a pillar to ease the weight crashing towards her. and i am willing to bear it. i take pride in strength. i am yearning for something to implement me. i am practically begging the world to utilize me. i refuse to be used as a tool to achieve goals i see as counter to the advancement of civilization, which leaves me with no options. so i apply my talents in a worthless enterprise that really has no bearing on anything, simply because i can feel happy if i provide her with a way to live a little easier, because i believe in her as a person, that she is one of those people like me who would rather see things done well, and properly. someone who believes in the concept of quality.
sure, if i died today, i would feel that my life has been a waste of time. but that is not what i see in the future. in my position, that is what i draw strength from. if civilization truly continues to diverge from the path i choose to follow, then civilization itself is a waste of time. that is where i draw my comfort, my peace with the world. i know there are people much smarter than me out there. they find themselves in places of learning around the world, unfettered by the troubles of the rest of us. the are placed in a room with the tools they need to create. they are the true pillars. they are propping up the facade, and building the tools to escape it. this, this right here where i stand now is not the future of civilization. this is a stain. i am resigned to watch, with varying levels of patience. i read about it every day. i see advancements are made, foundations for the future of humanity to be built upon. a chance to achieve redemption. a chance to survive this cold period, and find a situation to actually live a life i see as productive.
i am not sure if that place will exist on this planet, or even in this century. i believe there will come a time where i can find a sense of accomplishment in the way i live my life. more than the way i live my life, because i can already find fulfillment in the dubious circumstances i am surrounded by. i will be able to draw gratification from my surroundings. to feel like there is something better than myself i am working as a part of. to feel like the effort i offer is working towards the betterment of my entire condition.
i curse the fact that my best chances to see this feeling realized, under current circumstances, rely on off-earth colonization and the removal of aging from the human genome. i am a battered soul. i have burrowed into the earth, and i am waiting for upheaval and change, or a chance to escape once and for all.
but, a lot can happen in 50 years. a lot can happen in 10 years. i continue to weigh my opportunities as they present themselves. and until then? i will stand tall. i will bear what i need to maintain survival, and support those who are a part of the solution. patience
but as a man, a single organism, i can hold the pieces together. everything else lacks the desire for cohesion.
the problem i see, with the order of things as we sit here is the underestimation of intelligence. i see people like myself, who have true natural aptitude completely unwilling to apply it because they have a simple ability to comprehend. we have tolerated a certain amount of manipulation throughout our lives, and seen it lead to ruin almost without fail. there comes a point where one can no longer condone the complete bastardization of ones efforts. ironically, it becomes a question of morality. allowing those you affiliate yourself with to inflict harm without questioning makes you guilty by association. you either remove said affiliation, or you are aiding their goals.
i see those with functional intelligence, with true aptitude instead of the ability to create the illusion of competence slowly making themselves unavailable.
it is a shame.
i curse my luck sometimes
i am apoplectic. it hurts me that i came of age in the time i did. i feel that i have witnessed a blight on civilization. i have literally retreated to the point that i have one reason, one person to derive motivation from. based on the fact that i care about this one person, i have become a pillar to ease the weight crashing towards her. and i am willing to bear it. i take pride in strength. i am yearning for something to implement me. i am practically begging the world to utilize me. i refuse to be used as a tool to achieve goals i see as counter to the advancement of civilization, which leaves me with no options. so i apply my talents in a worthless enterprise that really has no bearing on anything, simply because i can feel happy if i provide her with a way to live a little easier, because i believe in her as a person, that she is one of those people like me who would rather see things done well, and properly. someone who believes in the concept of quality.
sure, if i died today, i would feel that my life has been a waste of time. but that is not what i see in the future. in my position, that is what i draw strength from. if civilization truly continues to diverge from the path i choose to follow, then civilization itself is a waste of time. that is where i draw my comfort, my peace with the world. i know there are people much smarter than me out there. they find themselves in places of learning around the world, unfettered by the troubles of the rest of us. the are placed in a room with the tools they need to create. they are the true pillars. they are propping up the facade, and building the tools to escape it. this, this right here where i stand now is not the future of civilization. this is a stain. i am resigned to watch, with varying levels of patience. i read about it every day. i see advancements are made, foundations for the future of humanity to be built upon. a chance to achieve redemption. a chance to survive this cold period, and find a situation to actually live a life i see as productive.
i am not sure if that place will exist on this planet, or even in this century. i believe there will come a time where i can find a sense of accomplishment in the way i live my life. more than the way i live my life, because i can already find fulfillment in the dubious circumstances i am surrounded by. i will be able to draw gratification from my surroundings. to feel like there is something better than myself i am working as a part of. to feel like the effort i offer is working towards the betterment of my entire condition.
i curse the fact that my best chances to see this feeling realized, under current circumstances, rely on off-earth colonization and the removal of aging from the human genome. i am a battered soul. i have burrowed into the earth, and i am waiting for upheaval and change, or a chance to escape once and for all.
but, a lot can happen in 50 years. a lot can happen in 10 years. i continue to weigh my opportunities as they present themselves. and until then? i will stand tall. i will bear what i need to maintain survival, and support those who are a part of the solution. patience
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
my brief flirtation with the infinite has now reminded me that i have steak thawed and waiting to be cooked and consumed. thank you, foresight!
no no, other shoe, slow your drop. i don't want to feel the slow dull creep of regression. i want to dance. i want to bask in the glow of pretension as thoughts spin back into themselves and form a cloud of self focus. i want to witness my mind achieve awareness, a new artificial intelligence bound within my own. so, let us dive out of this drive for knowledge and back into an old familiar pool of flowing metaphor. no ideas, no analysis, just words inspiring words. a syllabic melody to compliment the rhythm in my mind...
as i walked down the sidewalk between parking lot and front door at work yesterday morning, a beam of light broke through the darkness in front of me. a reflection off countless mirrored surfaces of satellites and other space debris, culminating in this brief and unlikely contact between this light and me. taken aback, i paused and waited for the beam to illuminate its plan for me. it twinkled, as if amused, and then flickered out of existence. i was suddenly left blinded and alone, save the residual light shadow in my eyes. i was locked into place. my body would not move, and my mind was fixated on the dot before me. the only proof of its short existence was burned into my retinas, but even that was beginning to fade. so even as this now imaginary light slipped back into the darkness, the pavement below me rolled back as my mind filled the void. time reversed itself and the world around me reverted to the past. soon i was staring at a hole beneath a giant evergreen tree. the lights of the present slowly returned, and the sidewalk and other modern accouterments returned with it. but memory of that vision remained. so, hori hori in hand, i sought to reveal the past once again. my hand slammed down, and a crack split the slab. i continued unabated. coworkers and bystanders stopped to ask what was happening, but i merely shrugged and continued my work. i made it through the concrete down to earth, but this was not the same earth, so i pressed downwards. past wires and sewer pipes, i dug deeper. through the sediment and build up of urban contamination, i continued. i went past the buried remains of old and forgotten human ingenuity long since covered. i dug until i reached earth, real earth. the dirt made of leaves and needles, decayed and compressed into a fertile womb to cultivate new life. and still i dug, though carefully now. i took off my shirt, and i placed this old earth inside for safe keeping. as i dug further still, my hori hit something solid buried beneath. i wiped the dark loam away, and found a sheet of petrified wood forming a lid. i lifted this up, and found my hole, filled with a cloying, inky blackness that modern light could not penetrate. so, i reached my hand inside, and found only a thin line of exposed metal running through the empty space, continuing into the earth on either side. as my hand closed around it, i was hit with a rush of energy that filled my body, and then continued into the sky, curving towards some cosmic confluence beyond my comprehension. a link was formed, some connection completed, and then silence, just a hum of energy infecting me to a quantum level. flush with anticipation, i waited for this contact to ameliorate and enlighten. but in return, i felt nothing beyond the acknowledgment implied by the connection's persistence. then, a quick throb, and the light retreated. i released my grip, and replaced the wooden lid, then the dirt i had set aside. i left my shirt as a protective barrier and covered it with a few large pieces of urban debris, then climbed out of my hole. once again illuminated by the day's light, i examined myself. my arms were completely clean, and a faint glow emanated from my skin. the world separated itself in my eyes. those things that reciprocated my feelings of interrelation began to glow with me. those that sought to avoid my heightened presence began to fade into shadowed insignificance. i looked around at my new world, and smiled at what i had found.
as i walked down the sidewalk between parking lot and front door at work yesterday morning, a beam of light broke through the darkness in front of me. a reflection off countless mirrored surfaces of satellites and other space debris, culminating in this brief and unlikely contact between this light and me. taken aback, i paused and waited for the beam to illuminate its plan for me. it twinkled, as if amused, and then flickered out of existence. i was suddenly left blinded and alone, save the residual light shadow in my eyes. i was locked into place. my body would not move, and my mind was fixated on the dot before me. the only proof of its short existence was burned into my retinas, but even that was beginning to fade. so even as this now imaginary light slipped back into the darkness, the pavement below me rolled back as my mind filled the void. time reversed itself and the world around me reverted to the past. soon i was staring at a hole beneath a giant evergreen tree. the lights of the present slowly returned, and the sidewalk and other modern accouterments returned with it. but memory of that vision remained. so, hori hori in hand, i sought to reveal the past once again. my hand slammed down, and a crack split the slab. i continued unabated. coworkers and bystanders stopped to ask what was happening, but i merely shrugged and continued my work. i made it through the concrete down to earth, but this was not the same earth, so i pressed downwards. past wires and sewer pipes, i dug deeper. through the sediment and build up of urban contamination, i continued. i went past the buried remains of old and forgotten human ingenuity long since covered. i dug until i reached earth, real earth. the dirt made of leaves and needles, decayed and compressed into a fertile womb to cultivate new life. and still i dug, though carefully now. i took off my shirt, and i placed this old earth inside for safe keeping. as i dug further still, my hori hit something solid buried beneath. i wiped the dark loam away, and found a sheet of petrified wood forming a lid. i lifted this up, and found my hole, filled with a cloying, inky blackness that modern light could not penetrate. so, i reached my hand inside, and found only a thin line of exposed metal running through the empty space, continuing into the earth on either side. as my hand closed around it, i was hit with a rush of energy that filled my body, and then continued into the sky, curving towards some cosmic confluence beyond my comprehension. a link was formed, some connection completed, and then silence, just a hum of energy infecting me to a quantum level. flush with anticipation, i waited for this contact to ameliorate and enlighten. but in return, i felt nothing beyond the acknowledgment implied by the connection's persistence. then, a quick throb, and the light retreated. i released my grip, and replaced the wooden lid, then the dirt i had set aside. i left my shirt as a protective barrier and covered it with a few large pieces of urban debris, then climbed out of my hole. once again illuminated by the day's light, i examined myself. my arms were completely clean, and a faint glow emanated from my skin. the world separated itself in my eyes. those things that reciprocated my feelings of interrelation began to glow with me. those that sought to avoid my heightened presence began to fade into shadowed insignificance. i looked around at my new world, and smiled at what i had found.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
this is for the girls that used to diss me...
other people must be so confused. sometimes i feel like i am receiving a lecture from professor me in a giant auditorium, surrounded by other mes. and there you are, probably wondering if you are in the right class, because there is a bizarre atmosphere permeating the entire scene in such a wholesale manner that it makes you question your own sanity. there is always information missing anyways, associations that i can make being me.
however, they have decided to beam me through the fabric of the universe using electrical currents and beams of light, so i will gorge myself on power. someday, they will broadcast the internet into space for anyone to connect too. our first contact with aliens will probably be on internet message boards. those first aliens will become the greatest trolls in history. i bet you they will pirate media online too. i will probably show up on another planet someday in the flesh as a known quantity...
other people must be so confused. sometimes i feel like i am receiving a lecture from professor me in a giant auditorium, surrounded by other mes. and there you are, probably wondering if you are in the right class, because there is a bizarre atmosphere permeating the entire scene in such a wholesale manner that it makes you question your own sanity. there is always information missing anyways, associations that i can make being me.
however, they have decided to beam me through the fabric of the universe using electrical currents and beams of light, so i will gorge myself on power. someday, they will broadcast the internet into space for anyone to connect too. our first contact with aliens will probably be on internet message boards. those first aliens will become the greatest trolls in history. i bet you they will pirate media online too. i will probably show up on another planet someday in the flesh as a known quantity...
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
woo hoo, woo hoo! crazy half turkey noises!
weekend comes a day early for me!
i am almost fully unencumbered until sunday. any other meetings i have will be about beer first, and if they want to talk about work, i will be drinking beer on the clock. their call, really.
that leaves us with unencumbered time to think. i am on the verge of becoming the sole male presence in the kitchen. i have known about it, but i am not sure if the full magnitude of this has been given its proper attention. i am honestly not sure how it is going to work. just like i thrive on the attention of women, women thrive on the attention of men. i am seriously thinking of suggesting that everyone have at least some overlap on a shift with me at some point during the week. i mean, i have jokingly suggested it, but maybe there would be some benefit. i just worry that some day i will come into work and find a huge pool of blood because one of these girls has actually torn someone apart. it is going to be like herding cats back there.
but what is it going to do to me? there is a good chance i will end up overcompensating and get myself into trouble. i will be in an evolutionary advantageous situation, and i imagine that will start triggering all sorts of instinctual social behaviors. it would be awkward if everytime the dairy guy showed up, i unconsciously took of my shirt and strutted around while turning my chest bright red by rushing blood too it to try and establish dominance. luckily i'm not a lizard or a bird or something, so i should be relatively safe, but the point still stands. that is only once a week though, and he brings me valuable foodstuffs to distribute to my flock. crisis averted... the dairy guy can stay at least. probably, it means a little more work, but that's ok. i'll earn more belly rubs than usual if i end up doing more. look look! i took out the trash! scratch me on that spot under my chin as a reward, i've been ever so good!
luckily i get along with everyone. this is all a intellectual discussion anyways because i am pretty much sequestered with my own tasks to attend to. i was thinking about this today, about how little contact i actually have with my coworkers. the people i work the closest with, i literally almost never see. if things are running completely smoothly, i do never see them. the baristas i have fleeting contact, and i spend a good majority of my day with my back turned to everyone else due to the positioning of my tiny little area. and when i'm busy, there is no room for chitchat. i have too much to do. i don't actually have the social pull to do more than nudge the mood here and there. kill a few minutes of work for them so they can get out of there with less mental strain.
it cracks me up, but if i were one of them i would be annoyed at the situation. i am annoyed at myself, because i gave myself unencumbered time to thing, and i ended up talking about work anyways.
weekend comes a day early for me!
i am almost fully unencumbered until sunday. any other meetings i have will be about beer first, and if they want to talk about work, i will be drinking beer on the clock. their call, really.
that leaves us with unencumbered time to think. i am on the verge of becoming the sole male presence in the kitchen. i have known about it, but i am not sure if the full magnitude of this has been given its proper attention. i am honestly not sure how it is going to work. just like i thrive on the attention of women, women thrive on the attention of men. i am seriously thinking of suggesting that everyone have at least some overlap on a shift with me at some point during the week. i mean, i have jokingly suggested it, but maybe there would be some benefit. i just worry that some day i will come into work and find a huge pool of blood because one of these girls has actually torn someone apart. it is going to be like herding cats back there.
but what is it going to do to me? there is a good chance i will end up overcompensating and get myself into trouble. i will be in an evolutionary advantageous situation, and i imagine that will start triggering all sorts of instinctual social behaviors. it would be awkward if everytime the dairy guy showed up, i unconsciously took of my shirt and strutted around while turning my chest bright red by rushing blood too it to try and establish dominance. luckily i'm not a lizard or a bird or something, so i should be relatively safe, but the point still stands. that is only once a week though, and he brings me valuable foodstuffs to distribute to my flock. crisis averted... the dairy guy can stay at least. probably, it means a little more work, but that's ok. i'll earn more belly rubs than usual if i end up doing more. look look! i took out the trash! scratch me on that spot under my chin as a reward, i've been ever so good!
luckily i get along with everyone. this is all a intellectual discussion anyways because i am pretty much sequestered with my own tasks to attend to. i was thinking about this today, about how little contact i actually have with my coworkers. the people i work the closest with, i literally almost never see. if things are running completely smoothly, i do never see them. the baristas i have fleeting contact, and i spend a good majority of my day with my back turned to everyone else due to the positioning of my tiny little area. and when i'm busy, there is no room for chitchat. i have too much to do. i don't actually have the social pull to do more than nudge the mood here and there. kill a few minutes of work for them so they can get out of there with less mental strain.
it cracks me up, but if i were one of them i would be annoyed at the situation. i am annoyed at myself, because i gave myself unencumbered time to thing, and i ended up talking about work anyways.
Friday, April 17, 2009
oh shit, i forgot. last night was great, because at least i knew exactly why everything was ominous. i was working with stringer bell on something, it was sweet. that guy is awesome. that is what happens when you fall asleep watching the wire, i guess
i am here because i had a good idea once, that needs to be simplified and then expanded upon. i am here because once i realize this idea ends with more long term ramifications, i will be able to derive short term mental objectives in the never ending spy games i play against my head. i am here because i am stoned, and being stoned allows me to take thought processes from one problem to another set of concepts entirely, and use the reasoning to work towards solutions unrelated to the original. alright three reasons, i can go on.
finding a way to be. what is the real idea? am i looking for the way i default too? am i looking for the way i wish i was? i say neither, or more a combination of the two. if i am just looking for the way i act naturally, how is there any progress in that idea? if i am looking for the way i wish i was, i am just looking to build another illusion to hide behind. i think this needs to tone down a little, it can't be about building a complete picture and then dropping it like a warhead. consider us in an information gathering stage.
first up, finding which of my default actions i think are positive additions. this can't be about stripping negative habits away. default actions are default actions, i can't just force myself to not do something. eventually, i will slip, and what choice do i have then, besides punishing myself for slipping? no, it can be so much easier. there is no need to get worked up about anything. i need to notice when i do something right. that thing i just did? that was hilarious and awesome. that was dumb, but it worked. that was solid and well reasoned. just like building muscle memory in climbing, i need to build synapse memory for the everyday. that is how i will find the raw material to build something worth my attention.
i want those synapse memories. these last two months or so, having so many things in climbing fall into place organically due to hard work has opened my eyes a little. i remember how i felt when i started, wishing i could do certain moves, knowing my body physically couldn't at this point. there was just so much to work on, i had to be one thing at a time. everything had to be built from scratch, and slowly i could do certain moves, that turned into more moves, and on and on until we are where we are now, which was my goal from the start, to finish all of the wall. now i have done them all, both ways. so now we get to start from here. i see this as the beginning. i was joking around with my coworkers, it only took a year and two months, but i can finally call myself in shape. now it is time to learn how to climb, to learn my climbing.
it may go slowly, but if i can build up those reactions, to notice what works, and focus on hopefully being able to replicate that until it happens by instinct, well that seems like that fits right along the goals of the original idea. that seems like a good solid foundation to build on.
the great thing? climbing wasn't the correlation i was originally working from. climbing was just the vocabulary i used to build the idea. i have another post i wanted to do on vocabulary, but that can wait. that is an idea that needs more structure. anyways, climbing was just a side benefit, a third application for this swirl of ideas. and, it has been very prevalent in my thoughts. i am surprised it doesn't come up in every conversation i have, considering how much of my life and thoughts i dedicate to climbing. i am obsessed, in a good way. it is a fucking rad hobby.
finding a way to be. what is the real idea? am i looking for the way i default too? am i looking for the way i wish i was? i say neither, or more a combination of the two. if i am just looking for the way i act naturally, how is there any progress in that idea? if i am looking for the way i wish i was, i am just looking to build another illusion to hide behind. i think this needs to tone down a little, it can't be about building a complete picture and then dropping it like a warhead. consider us in an information gathering stage.
first up, finding which of my default actions i think are positive additions. this can't be about stripping negative habits away. default actions are default actions, i can't just force myself to not do something. eventually, i will slip, and what choice do i have then, besides punishing myself for slipping? no, it can be so much easier. there is no need to get worked up about anything. i need to notice when i do something right. that thing i just did? that was hilarious and awesome. that was dumb, but it worked. that was solid and well reasoned. just like building muscle memory in climbing, i need to build synapse memory for the everyday. that is how i will find the raw material to build something worth my attention.
i want those synapse memories. these last two months or so, having so many things in climbing fall into place organically due to hard work has opened my eyes a little. i remember how i felt when i started, wishing i could do certain moves, knowing my body physically couldn't at this point. there was just so much to work on, i had to be one thing at a time. everything had to be built from scratch, and slowly i could do certain moves, that turned into more moves, and on and on until we are where we are now, which was my goal from the start, to finish all of the wall. now i have done them all, both ways. so now we get to start from here. i see this as the beginning. i was joking around with my coworkers, it only took a year and two months, but i can finally call myself in shape. now it is time to learn how to climb, to learn my climbing.
it may go slowly, but if i can build up those reactions, to notice what works, and focus on hopefully being able to replicate that until it happens by instinct, well that seems like that fits right along the goals of the original idea. that seems like a good solid foundation to build on.
the great thing? climbing wasn't the correlation i was originally working from. climbing was just the vocabulary i used to build the idea. i have another post i wanted to do on vocabulary, but that can wait. that is an idea that needs more structure. anyways, climbing was just a side benefit, a third application for this swirl of ideas. and, it has been very prevalent in my thoughts. i am surprised it doesn't come up in every conversation i have, considering how much of my life and thoughts i dedicate to climbing. i am obsessed, in a good way. it is a fucking rad hobby.
Thursday, April 16, 2009
i am doing this because i enjoy writing. i am doing this because it helps my mental stability. i am doing this because i have had no less than 4 blog topics fall by the wayside due to inactivity this week. one today was hilarious, but i can't remember what it was, and the other three? their time has passed, so i get to wait until they organically resurface.
i am doing this because i have had a great week, at least in part. i am having mixed feelings about the ominocity surrounding ryan at the moment. if he is feeling ominous, it is at least worth my attention, so i'll be extra careful on the up and over tonight just to be safe. i'll try to come back to this later though, like a whole paragraph from now. this is already turning into a chronologically jumbled blog. i have spent more time trying to keep track of what i am and am not going to write than anything else. in fact, i don't believe i have said anything else up to this point...
the weird thing? the ominous thing in my life? i have been having these crazy dreams. like, every time i go to sleep, even if i am just napping for an hour, i'll drop into these ultra realistic dreams. i mean EVERY TIME. i haven't had a real, full on, remember me for weeks sort of dream in a good long while, and now this happens? hmmmmm..... fuck me, i have more to talk about before i talk about that hmmmmm. this is a fucked up dialogue. but yeah, these dreams are all related. they all link up. they are all in the same universe, in the same time period, with the same people (all the people i know, that is to say). they are all tied to the same events, i know it. there is this oppressive intensity pervading them that i can't as of yet explain. like, i am on edge the entire dream, and so far they have only chronicled the mundane. nothing of note has happened. i mean, i can tell you stupid things that happened over the course of them. ryan and i were diving for diamonds in a shallow area of a calm beach with a bunch of people, presumably at some sort of bachelor party. joe and i were looking over this spiral bound notebook my mom made and heather gave us from ryan and heather's wedding, but i don't think the wedding has happened in the dream. the front page is this weird write up featuring quotes and passages from the dream representations of our blogs. these passages keep popping up, so i pay special attention to them every time i see them, but when i read them they are stupid shit, the same shit, like over and over. silly crap about starflower, and brewing beer, you know, the mundane. i am completely on edge in these dreams though, and so far i have no idea why. i wake up, and my heart is pounding, and my mind is racing, and i can't figure out WHY. usually i kind of have a feeling of what is going on when i have dreams like this. i don't always know the full story, but i know something is happening, and the important people in the dream also know. i am on the run from the law a lot. i have people chasing me a lot. i had this awesome dream where i was some sort of spy or merc or something at war with a secret organization and one operative in particular that descended into all out war. that was freaking incredible, going hallway to hallway in the weird dream stylized version of my last apartment building on greenwood, taking suited agents out, and finally walking down the middle of the street with a rocket launcher over my shoulder and an automatic rifle slung across my back. usually i know something is going on, and why i am tripping out, but this time i'm not sure at all. like, i spend my time trying to solve this mystery, but there is none. everything is just so commonplace. i wouldn't have taken note at all, but since monday, i've had 6 or 7 of these dreams, and all of them have been like this.
lets go back to that hmmmmm interruption we had there. i have always been fascinated by the idea of lucid dreaming. i have managed to do it before, to trigger it while i am in a dream. i have even had short periods of my life where i consciously thought enough about lucid dreaming over the span of a few days that once i was dreaming, i automatically remembered my techniques to trigger the lucid dream and carried them out. of course, i always promptly forget about it in a few days, and so all progress is lost. i won't say all progress, since i have definitely gotten better, but it is not like i keep it up enough to be able to control it on a whim. but it has struck me right now, that these dreams would be the perfect vessel for a lucid dream. these are the kind of dreams that feel so intensely real that they are hard to break out of. the are happening with regular frequency, without the need for a full scale deep sleep. if they keep happening, i may have the perfect opportunity to explore this a little further. there is already even a built in trigger now, with those blog excerpts that i can link to conscious thought.
i'll definitely have to look into that. well, i believe i have wrapped up all of the separate threads i spewed out at the beginning of this blog, so i'll leave you thinking about lucid dreams, and what YOU can do to have them. the two things that work the best for me? when you have that faint suspicion that you are dreaming in a dream, spin around and look behind you, or look at your hands. i think it has something to do with your dreams not being fully prepared to render these details sufficiently on demand like that, so the inherit wrongness of the way your hands look, or the disconnect between what is in front of you and what is behind you will validate your suspicions and give you proof that yes, in fact, you are dreaming. so if this realization that you are dreaming doesn't snap you out of your dream, you will now have control over your subconscious. and yes it is true, you can basically do anything you want at that point, once you have conscious control over your subconscious. you can make things appear. you can transport yourself anywhere. you can even fly. the turning around thing works the best for me, but the hand thing works pretty well too.
i am doing this because i have had a great week, at least in part. i am having mixed feelings about the ominocity surrounding ryan at the moment. if he is feeling ominous, it is at least worth my attention, so i'll be extra careful on the up and over tonight just to be safe. i'll try to come back to this later though, like a whole paragraph from now. this is already turning into a chronologically jumbled blog. i have spent more time trying to keep track of what i am and am not going to write than anything else. in fact, i don't believe i have said anything else up to this point...
the weird thing? the ominous thing in my life? i have been having these crazy dreams. like, every time i go to sleep, even if i am just napping for an hour, i'll drop into these ultra realistic dreams. i mean EVERY TIME. i haven't had a real, full on, remember me for weeks sort of dream in a good long while, and now this happens? hmmmmm..... fuck me, i have more to talk about before i talk about that hmmmmm. this is a fucked up dialogue. but yeah, these dreams are all related. they all link up. they are all in the same universe, in the same time period, with the same people (all the people i know, that is to say). they are all tied to the same events, i know it. there is this oppressive intensity pervading them that i can't as of yet explain. like, i am on edge the entire dream, and so far they have only chronicled the mundane. nothing of note has happened. i mean, i can tell you stupid things that happened over the course of them. ryan and i were diving for diamonds in a shallow area of a calm beach with a bunch of people, presumably at some sort of bachelor party. joe and i were looking over this spiral bound notebook my mom made and heather gave us from ryan and heather's wedding, but i don't think the wedding has happened in the dream. the front page is this weird write up featuring quotes and passages from the dream representations of our blogs. these passages keep popping up, so i pay special attention to them every time i see them, but when i read them they are stupid shit, the same shit, like over and over. silly crap about starflower, and brewing beer, you know, the mundane. i am completely on edge in these dreams though, and so far i have no idea why. i wake up, and my heart is pounding, and my mind is racing, and i can't figure out WHY. usually i kind of have a feeling of what is going on when i have dreams like this. i don't always know the full story, but i know something is happening, and the important people in the dream also know. i am on the run from the law a lot. i have people chasing me a lot. i had this awesome dream where i was some sort of spy or merc or something at war with a secret organization and one operative in particular that descended into all out war. that was freaking incredible, going hallway to hallway in the weird dream stylized version of my last apartment building on greenwood, taking suited agents out, and finally walking down the middle of the street with a rocket launcher over my shoulder and an automatic rifle slung across my back. usually i know something is going on, and why i am tripping out, but this time i'm not sure at all. like, i spend my time trying to solve this mystery, but there is none. everything is just so commonplace. i wouldn't have taken note at all, but since monday, i've had 6 or 7 of these dreams, and all of them have been like this.
lets go back to that hmmmmm interruption we had there. i have always been fascinated by the idea of lucid dreaming. i have managed to do it before, to trigger it while i am in a dream. i have even had short periods of my life where i consciously thought enough about lucid dreaming over the span of a few days that once i was dreaming, i automatically remembered my techniques to trigger the lucid dream and carried them out. of course, i always promptly forget about it in a few days, and so all progress is lost. i won't say all progress, since i have definitely gotten better, but it is not like i keep it up enough to be able to control it on a whim. but it has struck me right now, that these dreams would be the perfect vessel for a lucid dream. these are the kind of dreams that feel so intensely real that they are hard to break out of. the are happening with regular frequency, without the need for a full scale deep sleep. if they keep happening, i may have the perfect opportunity to explore this a little further. there is already even a built in trigger now, with those blog excerpts that i can link to conscious thought.
i'll definitely have to look into that. well, i believe i have wrapped up all of the separate threads i spewed out at the beginning of this blog, so i'll leave you thinking about lucid dreams, and what YOU can do to have them. the two things that work the best for me? when you have that faint suspicion that you are dreaming in a dream, spin around and look behind you, or look at your hands. i think it has something to do with your dreams not being fully prepared to render these details sufficiently on demand like that, so the inherit wrongness of the way your hands look, or the disconnect between what is in front of you and what is behind you will validate your suspicions and give you proof that yes, in fact, you are dreaming. so if this realization that you are dreaming doesn't snap you out of your dream, you will now have control over your subconscious. and yes it is true, you can basically do anything you want at that point, once you have conscious control over your subconscious. you can make things appear. you can transport yourself anywhere. you can even fly. the turning around thing works the best for me, but the hand thing works pretty well too.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
gathering my thoughts. so, that happened indeed. anyways
lets dive right in. the fictionalization of my world. there is a layer, a filter laid down over the top of the world i live in. it is like there is a movie being shot around real life, and i am writing and directing it. a subconscious visual monologue. naturally, i take great comfort in works of fiction. tv shows, movies, books, my mind revels in the chance to just absorb for a while. it gets to play, without repercussion. it can dance and extrapolate, it can assign value and formulate prophetic expectations, because there is no consequence to failure, and answers are usually on the way. when there are no answers? well, then the product of my imagination is correct by default. hmmm... i believe we can follow this train of thought and say i draw more meaning and place a higher importance on a world of fiction. i think i can say that, and not even have any problems saying it, beyond admitting it out loud. i wrote that, and hoped for a hesitation, but it seems pretty solid, so i guess we go with it.
what does this say? about me, or real life. the reality i live in. reality seems to be something of a disappointment, now that we are forced to deal with it, but i think that is more a function of unrealistic expectations. i guess my illusions of a world of splendor and awe ended when i realized i would never be the next einstein in 7th grade or so, and i've been trudging along ever since. but we work with what we have, right? after that moment, we can basically boil life down to a long string of comparisons between the value of the effort exerted and the value of the product of said effort. the more disillusioned i get, the less effort i deem worthy. something odd happened at some point though. i started to miss effort. eventually, i just need something to work on, to work through, problems to solve. those things i deem worthy of effort, either with good reason or arbitrarily receive a higher quality effort as a welcome side effect of my cultural apathy. that is something i did not expect.
anyways, back to fiction. i work with what i've got, right? reality can't hold my attention, or at least doesn't require enough of my attention to provide the stimulus my brain needs to function. so i change things around a little. spruce things up, fill in the blanks, whatever inane term you want to call it. it just adds the extra sauce i need. yes, it does get annoying sometimes. it gets annoying knowing things will not satisfy me in as meaningful a way as they could. but i get bored enough as it is, and start messing with things. if i didn't have that distraction, i would become a true scion of chaos. my mind would turn on my, and start tearing things down, just for the sake of entertainment.
i don't know, it all seems so poorly conceptualized right now. instead of bittersweet, it feels downright dour, and that is not the way i meant it. this isn't exactly rocket science, it is the human condition. the box i am in can't hold me. under different circumstance, we all could have been emperors or philosophers or whatever the hell kind of over-hyped name managed to make a permanent mark on history. nah, most of us won't be able to find our path to success, let alone glory. but we don't surrender. we lay in wait, honing ourselves for that one moment in time that we will be needed. because over our ever extending lifespans, there will be a time for each of us to step into the spotlight and take control of the situation in front of us. will you be ready? or will you keep your head down and put your earbuds back as you increase your pace to carry you away from perceived effort and potential hardship.
we live with what we have to. there is just too much we can't change on an individual basis, and in the end we all have to learn to function as individuals. sometimes that turns into a slog through urban drudgery, smoothed over with pleasant or engaging fictions. that slog is better than abdicating who you are as an individual. it is just one of the hardships we suffer to keep control over our lives. to be able to say "i deserve the right to live as i choose, because i value my judgment over all others."
lets dive right in. the fictionalization of my world. there is a layer, a filter laid down over the top of the world i live in. it is like there is a movie being shot around real life, and i am writing and directing it. a subconscious visual monologue. naturally, i take great comfort in works of fiction. tv shows, movies, books, my mind revels in the chance to just absorb for a while. it gets to play, without repercussion. it can dance and extrapolate, it can assign value and formulate prophetic expectations, because there is no consequence to failure, and answers are usually on the way. when there are no answers? well, then the product of my imagination is correct by default. hmmm... i believe we can follow this train of thought and say i draw more meaning and place a higher importance on a world of fiction. i think i can say that, and not even have any problems saying it, beyond admitting it out loud. i wrote that, and hoped for a hesitation, but it seems pretty solid, so i guess we go with it.
what does this say? about me, or real life. the reality i live in. reality seems to be something of a disappointment, now that we are forced to deal with it, but i think that is more a function of unrealistic expectations. i guess my illusions of a world of splendor and awe ended when i realized i would never be the next einstein in 7th grade or so, and i've been trudging along ever since. but we work with what we have, right? after that moment, we can basically boil life down to a long string of comparisons between the value of the effort exerted and the value of the product of said effort. the more disillusioned i get, the less effort i deem worthy. something odd happened at some point though. i started to miss effort. eventually, i just need something to work on, to work through, problems to solve. those things i deem worthy of effort, either with good reason or arbitrarily receive a higher quality effort as a welcome side effect of my cultural apathy. that is something i did not expect.
anyways, back to fiction. i work with what i've got, right? reality can't hold my attention, or at least doesn't require enough of my attention to provide the stimulus my brain needs to function. so i change things around a little. spruce things up, fill in the blanks, whatever inane term you want to call it. it just adds the extra sauce i need. yes, it does get annoying sometimes. it gets annoying knowing things will not satisfy me in as meaningful a way as they could. but i get bored enough as it is, and start messing with things. if i didn't have that distraction, i would become a true scion of chaos. my mind would turn on my, and start tearing things down, just for the sake of entertainment.
i don't know, it all seems so poorly conceptualized right now. instead of bittersweet, it feels downright dour, and that is not the way i meant it. this isn't exactly rocket science, it is the human condition. the box i am in can't hold me. under different circumstance, we all could have been emperors or philosophers or whatever the hell kind of over-hyped name managed to make a permanent mark on history. nah, most of us won't be able to find our path to success, let alone glory. but we don't surrender. we lay in wait, honing ourselves for that one moment in time that we will be needed. because over our ever extending lifespans, there will be a time for each of us to step into the spotlight and take control of the situation in front of us. will you be ready? or will you keep your head down and put your earbuds back as you increase your pace to carry you away from perceived effort and potential hardship.
we live with what we have to. there is just too much we can't change on an individual basis, and in the end we all have to learn to function as individuals. sometimes that turns into a slog through urban drudgery, smoothed over with pleasant or engaging fictions. that slog is better than abdicating who you are as an individual. it is just one of the hardships we suffer to keep control over our lives. to be able to say "i deserve the right to live as i choose, because i value my judgment over all others."
Thursday, April 09, 2009
weekend time, suck it.
the mariners are back, and i am not sure how i feel about that. i approach this season with a sense of chagrin, knowing i am going to pay attention which will inevitably lead to heartbreak once again. they did it already. the offseason started out fine, then at the end of camp their handling of some of our prospects hit like a fork to the nuts. but what am i supposed to do, stop paying attention to baseball? yeah, i'll never kick my sports habit. having your life destroyed by a losing baseball team is all part of the human experience, so bring it on. i'll root for you, chris jakubauskas, even as your era out of the bullpen balloons to 5.40 during our midseason dive to the bottom of the standings. because you had the potential, once, to buck the trend and become cool in a way ryan franklin could never dream of.
oh yeah, i feel the blood flowing through my veins now. i know exactly how i am feeling about baseball, and it gives me tingly in the pants feelings. baseball isn't about the season at hand, it is about all seasons that could happen years from now. everyone is so hard at work building that indomitable baseball dynasty. unparalleled success is just around the corner! buy some more peanuts.
the mariners are back, and i am not sure how i feel about that. i approach this season with a sense of chagrin, knowing i am going to pay attention which will inevitably lead to heartbreak once again. they did it already. the offseason started out fine, then at the end of camp their handling of some of our prospects hit like a fork to the nuts. but what am i supposed to do, stop paying attention to baseball? yeah, i'll never kick my sports habit. having your life destroyed by a losing baseball team is all part of the human experience, so bring it on. i'll root for you, chris jakubauskas, even as your era out of the bullpen balloons to 5.40 during our midseason dive to the bottom of the standings. because you had the potential, once, to buck the trend and become cool in a way ryan franklin could never dream of.
oh yeah, i feel the blood flowing through my veins now. i know exactly how i am feeling about baseball, and it gives me tingly in the pants feelings. baseball isn't about the season at hand, it is about all seasons that could happen years from now. everyone is so hard at work building that indomitable baseball dynasty. unparalleled success is just around the corner! buy some more peanuts.
Saturday, April 04, 2009
you simpering little shit! HORNY AND COMPANIONSHIP STARVED. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO? what are you going to do.
so this is how it was? this is how i live and act? it would seem so... a world of internalized conversations. the life i live in my head is so much more exciting. the things i've done! it is a lot easier to look cool when you control both sides of the issue.
moving on. i desperately want to take issue with something right now. i want to latch on to something, and use it to launch myself into a diatribe on self, so i can feel productive and suitable self aware. but really, what is worth my time. i drink to much and turn into an ass? meh. i've been a belligerent bastard? meh.
nothing doing. i am just filled with angst, and looking for a way to vent. interesting that i am not allowing myself. it is fake angst. self serving angst. it doesn't deserve the attention i am giving it by calling it out as dumb.
moving on. i desperately want to take issue with something right now. i want to latch on to something, and use it to launch myself into a diatribe on self, so i can feel productive and suitable self aware. but really, what is worth my time. i drink to much and turn into an ass? meh. i've been a belligerent bastard? meh.
nothing doing. i am just filled with angst, and looking for a way to vent. interesting that i am not allowing myself. it is fake angst. self serving angst. it doesn't deserve the attention i am giving it by calling it out as dumb.
Thursday, April 02, 2009
alright, i told myself i need to try and remember this today when i was thinking about it, so lets see what i have.
i once got a lot of shit for saying i was an optimist, but a realistic optimist. this was coming from a hardcore bitch of a pessimist, so it was really a no win situation. i tried to explain it then, with some success (she shut up at least and begrudgingly conceded a point, which was rare). it has been kicking around from time to time, but today i think i hit on the most concise description.
pure optimism has always kind of bugged me. a dogged adherence to optimism is almost a delusional form of pessimism. by just expecting everything to be good, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. this is something that most pessimists will use to reinforce their arguments.
that is where i come in. i don't expect everything to be good. i expect realistic things to happen. so, going through realistic options, you can discern a few natural trajectories. realistic optimism is all about aligning yourself with the positive trajectories and actively putting effort towards them, to ensure a positive outcome when compared to the mean. therefore statistically speaking, you can say that positive things happen more often. once you can do this, you can expect the outcome to be positive, at least work with that as the more likely outcome, and be right more often than not. it is like pouring into a beaker in chemistry, with a line at the halfway point. you won't be exact anyways, so you pour to the top of the line. the glass is now half full, instead of half empty. alright, that last line was cheesy, but you get the idea.
anyways, this is my philosophy. the optimism part isn't really the guiding factor, it is the end goal. the real focus is more that of pattern recognition and personal alignment, which when paired initially with unbiased analysis can give you a natural advantage to exploit. optimism is really just a mindset anyways, but delusion is something i frown upon. there are serious mental advantages to optimism, but like i said in its pure form, you lose a baseline rationality that can be crippling. that is why i spent the majority of my adolescence as a cynic and a pessimist, i was ultimately adhering to a rational mindset. but, if you can find a rational explanation that works in harmony with the mental benefits of optimistic thinking, while still keeping the flexibility to recognize the sometimes cold truth in situations, you are on to something. in my belief, true hard line optimists are afraid. it is the whole ostrich with its head in the sand thing. there is a balance to be struck first, and then you can trend in whatever direction you want, i suppose. if you want to be an emo little punk, or want to be considered a stone-cold tool of science, i can see how pessimism would your thing, but i want things to turn out in my advantage. call me crazy...
i once got a lot of shit for saying i was an optimist, but a realistic optimist. this was coming from a hardcore bitch of a pessimist, so it was really a no win situation. i tried to explain it then, with some success (she shut up at least and begrudgingly conceded a point, which was rare). it has been kicking around from time to time, but today i think i hit on the most concise description.
pure optimism has always kind of bugged me. a dogged adherence to optimism is almost a delusional form of pessimism. by just expecting everything to be good, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. this is something that most pessimists will use to reinforce their arguments.
that is where i come in. i don't expect everything to be good. i expect realistic things to happen. so, going through realistic options, you can discern a few natural trajectories. realistic optimism is all about aligning yourself with the positive trajectories and actively putting effort towards them, to ensure a positive outcome when compared to the mean. therefore statistically speaking, you can say that positive things happen more often. once you can do this, you can expect the outcome to be positive, at least work with that as the more likely outcome, and be right more often than not. it is like pouring into a beaker in chemistry, with a line at the halfway point. you won't be exact anyways, so you pour to the top of the line. the glass is now half full, instead of half empty. alright, that last line was cheesy, but you get the idea.
anyways, this is my philosophy. the optimism part isn't really the guiding factor, it is the end goal. the real focus is more that of pattern recognition and personal alignment, which when paired initially with unbiased analysis can give you a natural advantage to exploit. optimism is really just a mindset anyways, but delusion is something i frown upon. there are serious mental advantages to optimism, but like i said in its pure form, you lose a baseline rationality that can be crippling. that is why i spent the majority of my adolescence as a cynic and a pessimist, i was ultimately adhering to a rational mindset. but, if you can find a rational explanation that works in harmony with the mental benefits of optimistic thinking, while still keeping the flexibility to recognize the sometimes cold truth in situations, you are on to something. in my belief, true hard line optimists are afraid. it is the whole ostrich with its head in the sand thing. there is a balance to be struck first, and then you can trend in whatever direction you want, i suppose. if you want to be an emo little punk, or want to be considered a stone-cold tool of science, i can see how pessimism would your thing, but i want things to turn out in my advantage. call me crazy...
