://friv/ben

is it possible to own knowledge? i do not exactly believe in intellectual property. it isn’t possible to own an idea, or a thought. once someone else has the same thought, or comes to the same conclusion, they are in possession of the same knowledge. how do you enforce your possession over their possession? knowledge is knowledge. what can be learned by anyone rightly belongs to anyone who manages to learn it.

At work, i have gained certain knowledge. There are certain techniques and practices that i have gained. My job has claimed province over these things, even those ideas that i came to myself to enhance the business. When i leave, i cannot take these ideas with me to another job. They had me sign a document full of legal type words saying as much. Why would i sign such a document? Because i know it is a sham. I know they can’t take this knowledge away from me. They do not own what i have learned. So i took this piece of paper, which i was told to sign if i wanted to keep my job, and signed it without even looking it over. I know what it was trying to say, and i knew then as i know now that it is a farce.

You can’t claim ownership over what other people know. You can’t claim ideas as yours alone. You can claim you know something, but once someone else knows as well, your sole entitlement to that idea is over. You can try to hide ideas so other people cannot use them, but then how can you claim to other people you know them?

Knowledge is an amorphous concept. It can’t be incrementally commoditized the way physical objects can. You can’t hold a thought in your hand and claim sole ownership through possession. It can reproduce infinitely and spread. So why do people cling to their concept of sole ownership? Do they fear the dilution of value of their completely theoretical property? You can pretty much make the counterclaim that ideas gain value as they spread and multiply.

how do you market something anyone can gain for free without you? Why should you claim the right to sell such a thing? Use that idea to produce something I need, then we can barter over the price. Or fail, and cry foul over how unjust the world is because it doesn’t bend to the will of your greed and irrational delusions.

i hope the mariners sign rich harden. of all the offseason free agents, he is the one i am most interested in. he is one of my favorite pitchers. he is so injury prone, but i don’t care. his stuff is just fun for me to think about. i enjoy watching him pitch. even if we only get like 100 innings out of him, i don’t care. it is worth a shot. everyone else, meh. we have to sign someone to fill out our rosters i guess. but if they get this one guy, i will be content.

i feel at home. the ephemeral concept punctuated by a sense of comfort and belonging. the last place was an admitted pit stop, now i can settle in.

i leave this here for you to find, a tale of yearning. for i miss you more than i care to admit anywhere but in the recess of my soul. and so i sit, my mind clawing in search of sleep on another day deprived of the solace of somnolence, deprived of the comfort of you. while i crave contact, here in this restless state devoid of respite, such a fleeting touch would be more than i could bear.

and so i write this story for you to find, to feel my presence undeniably through my words. because just as the feigned melancholy and melodrama fade away as i drift into tranquility, my need for you remains…

waxing philosophical…

there needs to be balance. i guess this is one reason i am so unimpressed with monotheism. there needs to be at least two forces in opposition in order for there to be any action or progress. omnipotent, omnipresent, forces aren’t really forces, they are just big nothings floating in the background. it would be like worshiping the emptiness of space. being a single, all-powerful being is like running unopposed in an election. if you skate in by default, do you have a license to do anything? why would you do anything? why draw attention when you can sit and do nothing and have nothing change due to oppressive inertia, an outcome which benefits you greatly?

that is what it is. monotheists are the yankee fans of the religious world. pick the team that always wins so you can have a smug sense of superiority without having to extend yourself at all.

i am feeling pretty belligerent right now. i am feeling bothered by abject, willful stupidity. i spit in its face. so, i am running for god. not God, but god, with a lowercase g. an outcome that would bump God down to god as well. i am turning this autocracy into a parliamentary system. it is time for a new fucking pantheon. we need some accountability of thought. i have just declared myself as the opposition, so now you have to make a choice too, instead of making your dismissive, blanket generalizations, absolving yourself of any sort of self-analysis. are you really ready to declare against me without considering the consequences?

there has been no excess thought. there hasn’t really been a need to temper the roiling clouds of intellect, lest they start wearing holes in my psyche. i have had other distractions i suppose.

life rolls right along. i look forward to the future not because i am curious, but because i am expectant. so, i am just a little impatient not because i have a burning need to know. i already know what i want, and i already have it. now, i just have to wait as the details coalesce, and that is fine too.

it is kind of funny, because i think in the last week or so i have told marlena this three or four times. people keep asking me, how are you, how are you doing? and not just out of common courtesy, but seemingly actually asking because they want to know. each time, i am a little taken aback, a little dumbfounded. i think to myself, don’t you know? can’t you see? and they can, but i put a good front, be it my base of neutral calm or my general good nature, so i guess looking at it now it makes sense that they have to make sure. i play act well enough that people need to hear the details from me, as it were. but i am great, with no qualifiers or exemptions. i am happy, i am confident, and i am active, for me at least. as irony would have it, i am the one skipping out on climbing and social events because i have things to do, and it feels great. although monday at ryan’s i just slept through, but that probably came as no shock to anyone.

it is still the same old me, but the circumstances surrounding my life are changing. positive changes are the name of the game. i am sitting here trying to decide whether it is my doing, whether i have been driving this change, but i think that is the wrong question to ask. i am not really driving anything. i am just moving forward towards the outcomes that serve me the best, just like i always have. my opportunities are just on a whole different level, and i am having no problems recognizing them early enough to adjust my actions. that is why things are so effortless, and why i am having no problems accepting all the positives without any qualms whatsoever. my life is moving along with a decided strut. there is such a laid back ease surrounding everything that is happening. it is just going how it is supposed to, so there is really nothing to analyze. it just is. why would i question it? sure, i get moments of confusion, like a sort of reverse deja vu. we are dealing with things i had long since deemed impossible. i look at it, and am overcome with a sense of bafflement that the moment i am in is real. but that passes, and i am even more intensely happy, so even that propels me further forward.

like i keep saying, i live a charmed life. i always have. the thing is, this has always been happening. maybe the way i feel now isn’t really that different from the way i have always felt, and the reasons behind the way i am have just finally been revealed. maybe our paths were just split into parallel existences that have finally been nudged back together, and thus, everything is illuminated…

somewhat derelict in my duties, i suppose. there has been stress. there has been exhaustion. there has been unnatural heat. there have been extended periods of pure happiness, and that is the dominant thread of my life these days. i am leading a charmed life in the moment, and i see that trajectory extending into the future

i’ve wanted to talk about love, lust, and and attraction, but how could i do them justice? no time like the present to find out i suppose. i have a rough time reconciling the two types of attraction that seem to crop up, the whole opposites attract vs. like attracts like. mainly, i have never understood how opposites could attract in a meaningful, constructive way. i can understand the curiosity one would have with a polar opposite, but is simple curiosity enough to build a productive relationship? it seems irrational to me, built out of a need for conflict. then again, some people seek out and thrive on conflict. they have a burning need for chaos and upheaval. so for them, i guess having a constant source of turmoil is exactly what they are looking for. but that is not me. i strive to avoid conflict when possible. i am not really adverse to dealing with it when it crops up, i would just rather not have to. i am more comfortable when things are more… comfortable. i would rather have things make sense and flow naturally than be punctuated by constant struggle.

i wanted someone like me, and therein lied the problem. i am an odd person. i would even say i am a rare person, unique if you will, so i thought. the odds of meeting someone like myself were near impossible. there were people out there who shared some similarities and mutual interest, and i believe my magnetic nature amplified those feelings into the illusion of something more. but now i have experienced real attraction, with someone who shares the same proclivity for heightened feeling. it was instant, it was undeniable, and i couldn’t have broken us apart if i had tried. every day i marvel at what happened. the impossible, or at least the highly unlikely occurred, and i feel charmed by fate because of it.

lust is a funnier thing. lust in this instance is an almost hilarious thing to me. not to make light of it, but the depths of my lust have reached new levels. i have always considered myself a lustful person, driven by a overdeveloped sexual nature. thus, i have had to build a discipline and self control to be able to function in polite society. and so it was, all discipline without even being aware of it. i did not want uncontrollable lust to get in the way of love. but there was no hiding behind that wall. the barrier came down quickly, and in a fairly dramatic fashion, and there has been no looking back. it lends itself to a theory i have always had, that lustful thoughts are mostly fleeting, but true lust is built out of love, and in conjunction that great sex is fueled by love more than any sort of skill or simple physical desire. that is why sex had been able to survive as a hugely important thing to me, but largely unexplored. i wasn’t in a position to explore it in a way that did it justice. what i had not anticipated, is that this lust would also accentuate and heighten love itself. i always figured love on its own was some sort of pristine, untouchable thing rising above everything. i have found that love likes it a little dirty. love will seek out and wrap itself in any connection it can find. now i find myself in a cycle of lust fueling love fueling lust fueling love, and it is glorious.

but love is not all lust. this was all built without lust, which is why the sexual aspect has just been a happy side effect. this was built out of a sort of mental lust. she is my equal. no, she is a better version of me. she inspires me to think, and that is the way to win my eternal affection. i could spend hours here exploring the multifaceted nature of love itself, but i would rather do that with her. our love is just that, ours, and you won’t be able to pull anything fully interchangeable out of that. it manifests itself in different ways for everyone.

still, as private as it is, i felt compelled to share. you know you wanted to know, so i gave you your understated, honest glimpse into our world. because, really, i can’t do it justice.

lets swim. lets fly. lets search for a metaphor to describe our subtle drift through subconscious vocabulary. lets skip across the surface of language, briefly coming into contact with actual meaning while beaming with ecstatic glee as we soar through the airy, nonsense filled space between.

my life lacks a true soundtrack these days. after that new law concert, things have taken a definite bend back towards trip-hop, but i haven’t found that one album or set of albums that truly capture the aura of what i am feeling these days. after creating my final four list, i have been trying to keep things eclectic, to encompass the full breadth of my taste after reacquainting myself with its upper registers. today, somehow, that is not satisfying my needs. right now, i am perhaps listening to a part of the answer. dave seaman – back to mine. i don’t know how this album ever makes it out of my rotation. i don’t know how this album makes it out of the next 4 albums i am going to listen too. it should always be there. it is described as a soundtrack without a movie, and i like to think of my life as the reason for its existence. i always have. so, lets use this as a beginning. we are talking about this now, so lets do some work and find some albums to dwell on. with a brief perusal of the internet, i have found that ‘back to mine’ is actually a series… more albums to download, here i come. now, after further digging, i am finding where it came from. there is an album out there i am downloading called all back to mine, based on an idea by this guy where he would go to some dj’s house and dig through their record collection and have them show off their favorite, most eclectic, most proud of tracks. it is based off the idea of going out to a club and still being too wired to sleep, so you go back and throw an impromptu party at someone’s house who you just met, and then digging through their collection and letting them show off. simple genius.

lets do this. lets go back to mine. lets make a chill out mix tape based off my favorite under-appreciated tracks. i don’t even know how to begin….

lets start at the beginning. we are still at the collection phase, but lets start with one of my favorite track 1’s of all time, victor davies – brother off jazzanova’s playlist. lets continue through the obvious, and pull those chillout tracks off my final 4 list that we need on here. zero 7 – destiny. the new law – say goodbye. mc 900 ft jesus – the city sleeps. royksopp – circuit breaker. chicane – low sun. dj shadow – giving up the ghost. nujabes – beat laments the world. telepopmusik – into everything.

now comes the hard part. culling individual tracks out of my vast artist libraries. so lets start with artists. there is a genre of mine that was never forgotten, or even under appreciated, but has come back to the fore ever since i met marlena. call it trip hop if you will, but it is only a part of trip hop. call it creepy techno, because that is what she does. massive attack. morcheeba. portishead. lamb. goldfrapp. i’d throw alpha on there, but they are more of a new arrival, and i am no where near pulling out a single track out of them. therein lies the problem. how do i pull a single track out of albums that flow together in my mind as one? when the fact that they do so is the reason i like them so much? do we add poe in there, despite the fact that she isn’t so much my favorite? there are two tracks we could, one with old school meaning, and one that isn’t even by her, just has her on vocals. do we add johnny? do i even like that song? do we add center of the sun? that one is very tempting. fuck it, lets do it. conjure one – center of the sun. even if it gets dropped later, it is in the mix, and i like that. i feel out of my depth here. i feel like i know these artists, but i don’t know them well enough to make a decision. i wish marlena were here to make heads or tails of this for me. i will need to come back to this section, after some more research. but here is the list of artists to research. it is my hope that these little spots will be filled with songs by the time you read this.

massive attack – teardrop
morcheeba – fear and love
portishead – glory box
lamb – gorecki
goldfrapp – utopia
alpha –

so, we get into ones that will be easier to pick out favorites, hopefully, due either their slightly more song oriented nature, or my more intimate relationship with them. thievery corporation. air. i need to add this twice, due to their two albums that i like. talisman should be on there. run should be on there. i say should, but i am questioning it. it won. it freaking WON. but does it beat universal traveler? i don’t know that it does. either way, i feel like a traitor. zero 7, though its prior representation might preclude the inclusion of another track. tosca, who i doubt i will find anything worthwhile to add to the mix. kruder & dorfmeister, who i will probably find too much by and have to leave off entirely just for the sake of my brain. the avalanches, who’s album might be too up beat, but i have to mention.

thievery corporation – Heaven’s Gonna to Burn Your Eyes
air – Talisman
air – Universal Traveler
zero 7 – Look Up
tosca –
k&d –
The Avalanches – Electricity

then we get to nu-jazz, who seems to need representation beyond simple remix ablums. jazzanova. nuspirit helsinki. koop. cinematic orchestra. how can i include burn out when it is freaking 10 minutes long? how do i put anything besides burn out? dZihan & Kamien…

jazzanova – Takes You Back
nuspirit helsinki – Seis Por Ocho
koop – Relaxin at Club Fusion
cinematic orchestra -
dZihan & Kamien – Smile

then where do we pull from? there has to be something by beck, with sea change floating around out there. on the same note, we can probably find some flaming lips. maybe we’ll just combine the two and use paper tiger or something. would an electronic oriented mix of mine be complete without a bt track? can i find a lower key bt track i want to put on there? is there a single song i can pull off of this binary universe? maybe daft punk – something about us deserves a shot. maybe discovery is actually an under appreciated album in its own right. that song certainly has the ability to pull at my emotions. can we throw some dirty vegas in there without further cheapening the whole thing?

Beck – Paper Tiger
Bt –
Daft Punk – Something About Us
Dirty Vegas – Days Go By (Bonus Track)

alright, give me a few hours, i need to pull some stuff out here, and then compile a list to work off at least…

1. Victor Davies – Brother
2. Zero 7 – Destiny
3. The New Law – Say Goodbye
4. Mc 900 ft Jesus – The City Sleeps
5. Royksopp – Circuit Breaker
6. Chicane – Low Sun
7. DJ Shadow – Giving Up the Ghost
8. Nujabes – Beat Laments the World
9. Telepopmusik – Into Everything
10. Thievery Corporation – Heaven’s Gonna to Burn Your Eyes
11. Air – Talisman
12. Air – Universal Traveler
13. Zero 7 – Look Up
14. Jazzanova – Takes You Back
15. Nuspirit Helsinki – Seis Por Ocho
16. Koop – Relaxin at Club Fusion
17. Beck – Paper Tiger
18. Daft Punk – Something About Us
19. Dirty Vegas – Days Go By (Bonus Track)
20. Conjure One – Center of the Sun
21. Massive Attack – Teardrop
22. Morcheeba – Fear and Love
23. Portishead – Glory Box
24. Lamb – Gorecki
25. Goldfrapp – Utopia
26. The Avalanches – Electricity
27. Royksopp – In Space
28. Sasha – Magnetic North
29. dZihan & Kamien – Smile
30. DJ Shadow – Midnight in a Perfect World
31. Chemical Brothers – Got Glint?
32. Goldfrapp – Strict Machine
33. The Flaming Lips – One More Robot/Sympathy 3000-21

ok, i’ve got songs. i need to organize them. i think this may be a 2 disc set, and i may need some help from here.

oh wow. when i was thinking the flaming lips, i was originally thinking do you realize, but i immediately knew that it was entirely inappropriate. i had completely forgotten about this song. yet here it is, completely perfect. Oh, yoshimi…

what does my heart say today? my heart says nothing. it is a muscle, a machine performing a simple, ever-repetitive task. your heart says nothing, it is an illusion created by emotion. the true question is, what are my emotions telling me? they are trying to distract me with superfluous residue, the refuse of stress. my emotions are not to be trusted at the moment, at least those emotions that are dominating the spectrum. so, what is my mind have to say in response? self-pity is counter-productive. it feeds on itself until it flares out of control and starts to effect other emotions and decision making processes. the mind says stop. it says you are allowed moments of weakness. you are allowed to take a break, to retreat and take some time for yourself when you feel overwhelmed, but then that has to stop. i have been given my allowance, so it is time to start today over again as my self, once again surrounded by the familiar blanket of normality.

good morning.

tomorrow is going to be an excellent day. i realize, fairly acutely, that the quality of our soccer team is not that great compared to the better competition that the world has to offer. most of all, it lacks fluidity. you watch great teams, and they flow down the field. the ball does not stop moving. the players do not stop running. what changes is who is propelling the ball as the action progresses down the field. our team is not at that level yet. passes are made, and the ball has to be controlled before the action can reset. sure, they may string a few together, but inevitably the action will pause, and it will allow other players to make it to the ball, schoolyard scrum style.

tomorrow, i get to see an elite team. one of the best the world has to offer, and it will be glorious. and it is ok, even though my team may be outclassed, the other team still has to play our team. to a certain extent, the speed of the game will have to slow down slightly. there will still be a certain fluidity, but it will be somewhat less dynamic due to the lower level of competition. that will open up more opportunities for their players to display individual feats of skill. i have no doubts that my team will lose, and exhaust themselves with effort trying to keep up with a pace beyond what they can handle. that kind of effort is infectious though. i am sure these games are fun for the other elite teams that come to play. they get to show off, as long as they feel this spirit of the game.

therein lies my job. my goal at this game. at this game, and the fc barcelona game we are going to see later, my job is to show these elite international teams that we are real fans. my job is to get drunk, rowdy, and make tons of noise. to follow the action intently, and respond to my teams efforts. to join in singing “the referee’s a wanker” when we get jobbed, despite the fact that it is just a friendly. my job is to enjoy the game for the love of the sport, and enthusiastically transmit those feelings to the players on the pitch. these european players may have played mls friendlies before, but they have never played the sounders at qwest with 67,000 strong. i will be there, in the thick of the craziest crazies seattle has to offer, representing gorilla fc. i want to make those elites walk off the field with a new respect for mls soccer, not for the level of play which is still obviously lacking, but for the level of excitement generated by its fans. i want those players to leave saying, “it would fun to play for that team, that is something to think about in the future.”

my team has already elevated the level of play in american soccer. that is not to say they are the best team. but they are a good team, in terms of the league. one of the better teams in the league, despite having existed for only a half season. our presence expands the skill threshold. we have dedicated owners and a rabid fanbase. the best part is, it will only get better from here.

i’m sounders til i die. cheers to soccer, for giving me another local sports team to obsess about unhealthily, to the detriment of family and friends.

i wonder if shady public officials have to get their emissions tested when they register their cars? do they even have to register their cars?

you know, i would probably make a great shady public official. i love the boss in parks & recreation, the anti-government government official. i wonder if my cult-leader charisma could get me elected for anything… if i voted regularly, i’d vote for me. election only though. none of that appointment nonsense. then you are beholden to something. how would i have my random, chaotic, mischievous fun if someone thought i owed them something? i probably wouldn’t even seem that shady. all i would have to do is reduce my salary by 3% or something and i’d have carte blanche to do whatever i wanted.

lets form a campaign. i’d need my own political party. i’m thinking the grey party. slogan ideas that immediately pop to mind are “because nothing is black and white” punctuated by an ironic black and white photograph of me, looking shady and possibly diabolical, and “its nice here in the shade” with a picture of me sleeping under some tree. maybe there will be some volunteer work going on around me or something. the important part is i am sleeping in the shade. ooh ooh, maybe my shadow is stretching off doing something shady while i am sleeping. i may have hit on something here. people aren’t looking for something thought provoking, they are looking for something catchy to latch on to, so they can feel smart, informed, and smugly superior without actually having to think. it is a lazy man’s approach to opinion, so if i can subliminally pander to that inherent laziness, i can be an unstoppable force. apparently, remember simple phrases is what passes for intelligence, and oh man can i make up barely-sensical phrases. to the moon! until the wheels fall off, babe, until the wheels fall off! i didn’t even make those up, and they are already working.

vote ben, its the right thing for the right stuff. and we all know my opinions on stuff. stuff is good. things are generally bad. but if you can find the right thing, and then have it directly and positively influence stuff? well now, well now indeed.